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N moms and their obsession with weight

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Hopalong:
As useful as analysis and pondering is, I have a strong desire to say that, imn-ho, I think the very most powerful way to not be infected by Nmothers' obsession with weight is to FIGHT BACK very intentionally with VERY PERSISTENT AND POWERFUL THOUGHT-STOPPING.

You're not just fighting Nmothers, you're fighting for your own dignity and self-hood in an ENTIRE CULTURE that is obsessed with female body type, size, shape, number of pounds it weighs, how young it looks or doesn't....

The sooner, faster, more urgently and more profoundly women of any age FIGHT BACK THESE MESSAGES, whether they come from relatives, friends, acquaintances, nearly every single media source that surrounds us (NOTICE the messages! Say "NO!" Say, "I will not take this in!" Say to yourself, "I noticed that pronoun choice! I disliked that anchorperson's remark! I noticed the laughs that implied XX value...") --- or, most perniciously, from within our own heads...

...the better.

Selah.

Harrumph.

(So, as we analyse Nmoms' obsession, a gentle hope that we do not by analysing it, actually find ourselves recreating it...under the name of analysis.)

Hops

sKePTiKal:
Thanks, river!

NLS - I was the "too skinny" kid, too. That's how I got the only nickname I ever had: Twiggy. I could - and did - eat anything. My metabolism, being based on 24/7 anxiety, must've countered and burned every single calorie. Even 2 pregnancies had no effect. It's like I was a malnourished baby... could pile in the food... and never gain an ounce because what I needed was the "magic ingredient" of being truly cared for -- not resented because I needed to be fed.

But I was establishing bad nutritional eating habits, while I was "getting away with it". It caught up with me later, as my metabolism and lifestyle slowed down. And then, I felt as if I was turning into my mother... genetics, all that, unavoidably trapped like a fly in Amber. But, here's the deal:

that's not true. My DNA is not identical to my mother's... after all, my dad was involved too and he never had a weight problem. Then, there are all the recessive genes, mutations, combinations.... and as far as MY habits - well, I have to own them and not shift the responsibility for them to anyone else. Separate the problem, that is -- and therefore possible routes to a personally satisfactory solution -- from any/all connection with my mom COMPLETELY. And then, and probably only then, will I be able to make a clear, committed choice and carry through with it.

Your mom's comments and actions are invalidation, pure & simple. She's doesn't get a free pass to do this to you, just because she's your mom. (oh! and she doesn't know you better than you know yourself. Nmoms always attribute this kind "magic power" and permission to criticize to themselves... DUH.)

river:
Hops, not sure exactly what your reacting to here, but I felt some force-field energy there, took some time to think. 

For me, deep insight, specially shared in a relationship, (like that exchange) brings life to the roots of the places where I died, its a vital part of recovery for me.  Its looking to the self and internal experience.  Staring at the N as if from the audience, thats another thing.   
r

Hopalong:
Thanks, River...you're quite right, it touched a nerve.

Of course we should analyse everything about Ns -- it is about healing and survival.

Wow. Let me think.

Okay, got it:

It makes me absolutely CRAZY (sometimes  :roll:) when I truly open myself to what is happening in this inhuman culture.

Because anti-racism and anti-mysogyny consciousness-raising times were the hallmark of my building a human self...and because the coming-to-consciousness about how bad it really is was truly excruciating...I almost could not stand up in the face of that painful awakening...

All these decades later, when I see that, imo anyway, this culture has become MORE retrograde in regards to females, I have an inner HOWL.

Civil rights? Improved. (Though the ERA didn't pass.) Equal salaries and opportunity? Not hardly. Sexual exploitation? (Welcome our new vocabulary word: "
Trafficking.") Porn? Screensaver for 10-year-olds.

So....I think when I hear women start down the path of ruminations about what they weigh....it triggers that old shock and grief.

All that said, of course it's a real topic to analyse. It just makes me grieve.

I wish women were equally represented in world government and could change the world for peace, stop despots, and help children not starve to death.

Thinking about an Nmother aggravating and intensifying that cultural obsession with controlling the female body reminds me of why I think the world doesn't work. Self-loathing disables us from fixing the world.

(I'm sure the fact that I work for a sexist boss, 70s-style, also made me react.)

Thank you for noticing my strong reaction and giving me a chance to ponder it more.

love,
Hops

nolongeraslave:
I've been at mom's for 4 days now.  It's been better than past visits, but her N-ness always creeps in at the end when you least expect it.

Just now, my mom said "Your sister-in law says that you don't talk at all.  She's more mature than you. You need to have some feelings for your family. Your boyfriend will get bored of you if you're so quiet."   This may sound innocent to an outsider, but this is clearly an  N's undermining disguised as care and cocern.

She also said my brother was upset that why I didn't go to a yoga class with him and that he's trying to motivate me.  I texted my brother and he said he was never upset. 

Ever since I landed in my mom's house, I've been very sick. Throwing up out of nowhere, stomach pains, etc.  If I'm sick, I can't go everywhere.  My Body Dysmorphic Disorder has also been very high.  I didn't talk much during lunch with my family members, because I couldn't control obsessing over my weight. I know it's wrong, but the thoughts are there and I just wanted to pull my skin off.

I told my mom the stuff she said isn't appropriate and she yelled at me saying "how are you going to talk to your kids? I can't say anything to you! Maybe your boyfriend can't say anything to you either."

I'm glad I'm leaving today.
The only good thing is that my mom hasn't mentioned anything about my weight.

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