Sorry just moaning

[Twoapenny]

Just want to moan, sorry all, not doing it for a response just want to get it off my chest!

I so want a normal family - not perfect, not impecabbly flawless, just ordinary.  My neice just had her first baby.  Is it a time of joy, celebration, togetherness, family values?  No, it's two days of melodrama, hysterics, silent treatment, with-holding information.  Eventually I switched my phone off, now I'm hiding in the house until my head clears and I can cope again.  I've been on my own (ie not in a male/female relationship) for ten years now.  I have been NC for 4.  I have cut out a lot of the dead wood from my life and mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I am healthier.  But I'm so lonely, and feel so alone.  I do try and be sociable but it's different, you know, when you don't have that nest, that safety of your mum's kitchen or dad's workshed or your big sister's bedroom.  When there's no drama I can balance it all, I can make it work and I cope, day to day.  But when something happens - something that for most people would mean cards and flowers, not drama and hysteria, I find it so much harder to keep telling myself it's all okay and it will get better.  I guess that's normal - normality in an abnormal situation.  Jeeze.  Thanks for reading.  Hope everyone is doing okay xxxxx

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hear you and I can RELATE!!!!!!

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

I hear ya, sista!!

I just had a visit from an old, old friend. When we were just mouthy, silly, girls -- her family was the "normal" one and I wasn't overly welcome there from her Nmom... I guess she thought I'd contaminate her daughter since I was an unparented almost-waif. Well, as we traded "family drama" stories... I have to admit, hers is even worse than mine. Her sibs' lives are simply falling to pieces; my bro just hasn't really grown up, separated from mom, or dealt with his inner conflicts and emotions. I can see how and where his life might implode; it hasn't happened yet. She described her family as something she could sell to Jerry Springer's TV - tell all show... and it's already happened...

we mused and wondered for a bit... about whether this was genetic; did we get some different sequence of DNA; we don't think we're smarter or anything like that... but we're definitely not living with that kind of chaos and drama in our lives 24/7 and had to work at it, you know? Several times, we helped each other through the places that might've done us in, like that too.

You and I and my friend... aren't tainted by these family members... it doesn't stick to us, unless we obsess on it. And we haven't been singled out by the universe for being embarassed by their antics, either. Every family, I'm coming to understand, has a story like ours in it... somewhere. And each one of us, also has one or two "empty" places... that only contain the sound of a longing-for sigh of wind blowing through them... and I think I'm coming to see, that these are the things that make us human.

[lighter]

I'm sorry, ((Tupp,)) but that lonliness means you have room for worthy relationships when they arrive.

[Twoapenny]

Hi all,

Well I think you guys are creating positive things in my life, I went to meet my cousin today, haven't seen her since I was six (thirty years ago), she's a relative on my dad's side of the family and guess what?  She's lovely!  Chatted for hours, felt totally relaxed and comfortable, I've discovered relatives in America and Australia that I never knew I had, she's shown me pictures of all my family from years ago, they all looked a lot happier then?  She and I are really alike and, suprise suprise, her mum was a lot like mine!  She showed me a picture of my mum taken when she first got with my dad, before my sister and I were born.  She looked so relaxed and happy and you know what, I never saw her look like that.  My cousin says my mum was lovely, really good fun to be around and really happy, and that she hardly drank.  I wonder what changed along the way?  Phoenix, what you said really rings true, she's gone through the family history with me and you've got alcoholism, extreme needs to control and what sounds to me like NPD type stuff in every strand of the family - yet she and I have both gone down the same path (ie different to that one) despite the fact we've had no contact for so long.  Lighter, I read your comment about making space for good people and I thought "God, I hope that comes along soon" and now I feel like there is a good person here to get to know better.  There was no bitterness about her, no envy, no judgement, criticism - she's very open, very lovling, seems a very forgiving person and adores her kids.  I feel a contentment in my heart that wasn't there this morning.

Thank you all of you, I'll keep you posted on this one   Bonesie, thank you for the hug, as always (((((((((Bones))))))))))

[lighter]

Whoo hoo!  A connection with a nice person who also understands your history.

It sounds like this relationship provides not only fellowship, but tremendous validation.

I'm glad to read you've found this person.

Keep saying NO to the negative people.

Keep engaging the positive people.

It'll be OK: )

[Twoapenny]

Lighter I think what I really liked was that, even though we swopped stories on our mums and we've both obviously been through it it didn't turn into an endless slagging off session, it was more just both of us saying it was sad/difficult to understand/we hoped we'd done better with our kids etc - I think like we both didn't have too much anger about it?  She told me that when she was a kid her nan, mum and aunt used to get together every Sunday and sit and complain about their lot - they each had been left by their husbands and would sit talking about how evil men were and complaining and criticising.  Her dad walked out when she was five and for almost fifty years after that her mum never got past it, never forgave him, never let her talk about him, she was still so angry five decades later and still making other people miserable because of it.  We both agreed we didn't want to be like that!  And I think your mantra is perfect - no to the negative, yes to the positive!

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

(((Tupp)))
: )

[sea storm]

I don't think you were moaning. What you said was reasonable and about your feelings. They are valuable.
I wondered what happened that sparked that sense of despair in you.
No use coating pain in sugar.

The birth of a child is a joyous occasions that seems to bring all the bats out of the belfy and the skeletons dancing out of their closets.


Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Dittos to (((((Seastorm)))) and a big hug to you ((((Tupp))))

I am so glad you had the comfort/validation of that nice cousin.

hugs
Hops

[Nonameanymore]

Hi TaP,

I think we're all 'work in progress'.
You are doing the right things, working on yourself etc and eventually it will get better.
I think it's very healthy of you that you actually recognised the drama and got out of it instead of getting sucked into it. This is actually a good sign! It seems like a healthy response to me
I can totally relate to you being alone and out of a romantic relationship (meaningful at least) for many years.
You should give yourself some credit for all you're doing
Maybe it's Pollyanayish but I am sure when you will feel ready to be in a relationship again, you will be.
Don't judge your present and your future according to your past. It is unfair to you.

xxx