Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
bulimia question
river:
--- Quote --- although the instructor told us not to go around helping people before we strengthen ourselves, like the recovering codependent that I am, I went around 'helping' people (in quotes because sometimes I do it when it's unsolicited) and today after a long time I woke up burned out...
--- End quote ---
......I think helping in a healthy way doesnt burn you out, it makes you well. But finding the healthy way is the challenge. Helping others is the very thing that makes life meaningful. Its the question of what is help that is the issue. Doing something for someone that they need to be doing for themselves is not help, thats true. Likewise...
--- Quote --- a person cannot do something or stop something for someone else other than themselves
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..... this actuall works the other way round also, its paradoxical, the change has to begin within us, but the reasons for wanting to do so may be many, including for someone else. I always felt this myself, but only realised for sure about it by reading Dr Frankl, really worth checking out.
Nonameanymore:
Thanks for sharing River.
I respectfully disagree with your second point and this has been a major thing for me. Wanting to change someone else is the recipe for failure in any relationship really. A person cannot stop/quit an addictive behaviour for someone else, nor can a person change because someone else wants them to. Even a therapist cannot 'change' you. I think a therapist can help you change by finding the point inside you that thinks a change is needed. I know this for myself and I saw it in other people too. I read Frankl an age ago but do not remember the point you are referring to.
I talked to our instructor yesterday and she sort of confirmed this point saying that a person can be the impetus for change in another person but that's that... I remember this with trying to eliminate addictive behaviours in myself...
I also found a pattern, that I use my time on other people's issues, when I am not brave enough to face my own...
As for the first point, I always remember one of the first things I read/learned in Coda books/groups and it's funny I was pondering on it last night, this metaphor for when cabin pressure on a plane drops and they advice mothers with babies to apply the oxygen mask on themselves first so they stay conscious and able to then apply to the baby's face...
In my case, I am trying to discern between contribution and service to another person, being one of the basic human needs, and 'help', as in either unsolicited trying to pinpoint to the other person what's wrong with them or using resources I don't have, as in the case of the baby and mother on the plane with no air.
I am also starting to learn that EVERYBODY has the capacity to change themselves and help themselves, we are all equal in this and that maybe by 'helping', I am depriving the other person of working on their thing and do them more harm by forcing them to stay stuck.
river:
I do understand what CODA is saying, and also you are saying. And yes, for me it has come back to 'let it begin with me'. However, its just not that simple. I think the key is where you pinpoint that its about the question of what is healthy helping and what is not.
--- Quote --- In my case, I am trying to discern between contribution and service to another person, being one of the basic human needs, and 'help', as in either unsolicited trying to pinpoint to the other person what's wrong with them or using resources
--- End quote ---
........ the baby in the airoplane is a good illustration.
On the other hand, too many people in the fellowships get this back to front, and say things like to a newcomer 'I cant ehlp you, Im not well enrough yet', or something, which denies the basic building block of recovery that 'one alcohlic talking to another' is the basis of the whole 12 step recovery movement. Theres a sort of coldness and rigidity about that, and I hate when that happens.
But me too, Im a veteran of helping others coming out of my own dream, that they themselved didnt share. Looking back tho, if I had been wiser in exactly HOW I went about it, all would have benefitted, including me. hhhh hindsight and sorrowful concern! Still learning.
teartracks:
--- Quote ---.....I think helping in a healthy way doesnt burn you out, it makes you well. But finding the healthy way is the challenge. Helping others is the very thing that makes life meaningful. Its the question of what is help that is the issue. Doing something for someone that they need to be doing for themselves is not help, thats true. Likewise...
--- End quote ---
You're so right on with this.
tt
Nonameanymore:
RIvs I am with you on the not available on the support group front. When I joined coda, most of the sponsors were already have had their newcomers. I remember that after a year or so a lady offered to sponsor, added her number on the list and when I rang her she never picked up... I completely blocked this one!
IMO with an exception or two, nobody seemed to be doing really well enough to help. In all honesty, unlike fellowships like AA which require lifelong membership to stay sober for support, coda is not. When I stopped going weekly and revisited occasionally, I heard people share the same stories even after 3, 4 or 5 years. In that sense, they really were not able/available to help me, since they were dealing with their own issues still...
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