Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Deconstructing Self-Harm
sKePTiKal:
You're most welcome!
Truth is, my experience has been like yours. I'll go try this... then revert... then try that... revert to comfort zone... ooops! Life just hit me over the head.... back into fetal cocoon state for a while.... OK, just a little better - now naval gazing anyone?? And then, I had what I call a "close encounter" with the insanity that rules in my FOO again... and it kinda took all my work, shook it vigorously and tossed it all up in the air. Once all the pieces drifted and settled down again...
once I processed ALL my feelings, thoughts, wants, etc about it... it didn't look nearly as threatening to me as it did initially - or in the past... that's when I noticed my feet were on something more solid; had more traction than gravel or sand...
I like to think that my artistic training and ability give me some kind of edge in being able to shift my perception. Change my perspective. Look at something from a different angle. And sometimes, I really can. (Luck exists.) But like most people, I bring a lot of definitions, past history, old traumas, sensitive buttons, likes/dislikes, opinions and judgements and feelings of fight/flight to just about everything I perceive. All these things are different colored lenses, like 3-D glasses that aren't adjusted quite right... so a clear picture doesn't appear to communicate directly with the aging neuro-system... I bring my own bias and predjudice to experiences - from the past experiences I've had - and unless PUSHED, I'll simply categorize something into those past definitions without looking with "fresh eyes". This is a mistake - almost right up there with making assumptions or theorizing from questionable premises. But it's a FORGIVEABLE mistake. It's just me being a human, a little too confident in my brain-smarts... a little too deaf to my emotions... and no one is going to shoot at me, lock me up, starve me, or humiliate me for it.
And I can surely stop doing those things to myself, too! ;)
OnlyMe:
Sharing something I just read :
"She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going ... but she was on her way."
- Jodi Hills
:D
Guest:
PR
--- Quote ---I'll simply categorize something into those past definitions without looking with "fresh eyes". This is a mistake - almost right up there with making assumptions or theorizing from questionable premises. But it's a FORGIVEABLE mistake. It's just me being a human
--- End quote ---
It's what the brain does. Forgiveable? That's a bit too tough! It's not even a mistake a such. To override what your brain wants to do, is designed to do - that goes to the postive side of the spectrum line. You're only up against your own biology, evolution, neurology; hey it should be a simple thing eh? :D
river:
Got a lot I want to say too now.....
--- Quote --- it so completely summed up the "original wound" that is the source of my own self-harm habits, I was stunned.
--- End quote ---
... ditto for me, tho my self harm was another way, not a knife etc. I found out it was called an 'introject' by the prof population. I then realised (as a recovering addict), that for many the acting out was about dumping thier own stuff on others, and into others, (usually the Bs and Ns form of defence), and their defence, 'projections' becomes the other persons 'introjections'. For those of us with introjects, acting out can be a way of trying to externalise, or to reach the inside toxicity that doesnt belong inside. (after transplants, people get allergic reactions to it being someone elses tissues, - so this is surely paralel? a psychic allergy).
--- Quote --- go mad or die - yep; that is exactly the choice I was presented with
--- End quote ---
with Ns and Xs thier issues are at a level of survival, the developmental arrest is that primal, so its about annihilation, the designated child is, is dealing with issues at that level.
When my mum had a stroke, she rambled, but it was a shock to hear what she said, her false self, her cover up had all been blown away, and her true attitude came out to the open, without repeating her exact words, what she said to me was exactly that agenda that she had in her attitude for me. ( I rushed off and wrote it down, because it was so unbeleivable). Nobody eles in the fam would have understood if I'd said anything, to them it would be just her rambling, but I knew, the ghost was out of the cupboard.
--- Quote --- it was my "job" and responsibility to solve those issues (not my own) for my mom... and for a time, my brother as well. That was the meaning and significance of my existence... and anything outside of that, for me, myself & I... was often secondary, considered shamefully selfish - a betrayal even. I learned quickly to hide any/all needs I might have and to appear to be as self-sufficient emotionally as possible. That's not really humanly possible unless one is seriously mentally ill - and I cracked often, BECAUSE I had such overwhelming needs.
--- End quote ---
.........in the other post, you asked about a dx for people who are the children/ affected by Ns, well what you have just said would be described as the 'slave/master' dynamic, you have no rights, - not allowed to have needs, and only role is - in this case to clean up psychically for others. The slave master relationship is the one half of the split options of the schizoid, and the other half...............
--- Quote --- .........can erase you from the earth..............then isolated from the people outside the FOO ................She doesn't even recognize me these days, in person...
--- End quote ---
......... is the 'self in exile'.
And......
--- Quote --- I allowed myself to be her "sock puppet" to protect my brother & I from these physically harmful rages and swallowed my own anger... and can not describe the primal anguish which I know is worse than death... to have one's own self so consumed, invalidated, DANGEROUS.
--- End quote ---
........ yes, I was co-opted too, and sock puppet is such a way to describe it, .... its ouch!... I have a photo of me at about 3, Im posing and glancing at the camera, and I know that was the 'being how/ what she wanted me to be', what else could I do, as a child you look to parents for a lead as to what is good way to be in life, so what else would a child do! But for me it got far worse, the trajectory I was set on lead me into behaviours that now mean I live with so many regrets. I live with them, and I face the pain frequently, but I so appreciate, and it helps to be able to share in this way, its surely the most healing thing...?
Much appreciatoin for what you've written...
.... and I havent even read the other posts....
river:
--- Quote --- I see the EVIL in life as some kind of way of not looking at the problem of human STUPIDITY. Of course that 'problem' is my problem; because problems are what we construct out of nothing
--- End quote ---
......... yes, isnt this also connected with the saying: "all it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing"?
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