De-sistering and de-cluttering with K.

[Izzy_*now*]

The message I wrote before was “too much, too soon” about the claim settlement and the then sister problem arose, and I had no patience.

I’ve seen a rough draft of what my lawyer will present and will just say that as he proposes, there will be roughly $180,000.00 for future care. It is to cover one wheelchair, all new medication, one new cushion a year,  Karla’s physical therapy and her help around the apartment...for the rest of my life. I’ve already given her a $5/hr raise for therapy. (in June) There is an online site that lawyers uses to determine the life left in their clients. I have 15.07 years.

I have close to $10,000.00 refundable for out of pocket Special Expenses and then there will be the General Damages expense, loss, pain and suffering. I will hold off on that for now as that is not really the issue, although that sister had been and is asking too many questions.

I could very easily be wrong, but I expect there is ongoing correspondence with her and my daughter. Sister says that daughter says kind things about me in mail, that she has integrity. For me to say negative things to sister, about daughter, is not right when sister is fond of daughter….and I said she was labelling us. I say what I do to make someone aware of what I “don’t know”. Sister is a University grad English teacher wrote back, “It was not meant to be a label, more like an adjective for that situation.”

I answered with,  “Integrity is a Noun, isn’t it?” Then I mentioned the whole fam damily, that no one even looked for my Will naming a guardian for my daughter in such an instancce, or death---just do what they want and to hell with what I wanted….in a legal document.

Then asked her to send me copies of their emails and prove to me (this was going too far but right then I could have strangled them both.)

I really dislike getting this upset and out of control.

I had previously mentioned how Karla had accessibilitized my kitchen cupboards re food and cookware, and even made my storage space accessible. That she knows wheelchairs. I entered the storage space for the first time in the 9 years I’ve been here. The inference was that sister never even thought about trying it.

No, I haven’t lost my mind yet, but I’ve cut myself off.

[Hopalong]

((((Izz))) you're back!

I completely understand why ANY triangulation that demonstrates some other relative having the connection with your D that life denied you...

....makes you nuts.

I wish you peace, so much white light that suddenly you can really release the hurt.
(Did sound like positives were buried in there...but so understandable it triggered that old heartbreak).

They'll never get it. So you're stuck with loving and letting go, simultaneously.

love to you,

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Congrats, Izzy! That sounds like good news about the settlement! That part is finally over, huh? Maybe not completely?? But close?

Are you feeling better? Did you get all the medication and nerve stuff settled down? Sure sounds like Karla is pretty creative about helping you be as self-sufficient as you can be! What an angel! Sometimes, it's the smallest, simplest things that can bring the most joy... (that's one of my favorite paradoxes).

[lighter]

Hi Izz!

So glad to see you posting, and I don't blame you for being upset with your sister and daughter either.

You must be relieved to have part of the settlement almost completed. 

Whew, then on the second part of the law suit.

Nice to have Karla in your life... you two seem to really enjoy each others company: )

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

Thank you all,

The 'ANY triangulation', Hops, made me see that clearly this should not be occurring, so I have cut that sister off, for the present and when I do, if I do, email her I know how I will handle it. Somehow I began to believe that she was lying....just picture that my D writes to her aunt and always has a good word about me? What's to be talking about all the time?

Nevertheless, I wanted no discussion about claim amounts with this siser....to spread......and no doubt managed to find a way to not write to her.

Yes, All, I feel better about this because of my lawyers 'unfinished' report, as I had not known the 'workings' of Future Care, and that it is one of 3 sections.  I was expecting to have to go HIGH on the "General Damages" claim to account for my future. It's just 2 months and 17 days until I finally see that Specialist regarding the tics, tremors and shaking.....the one my Dr. and the Neurologist implied I was faking. That could change some figures.

I had Karla look at my spine, between my shoulder blades and push and poke etc until finally (I knew it was under there) she discovered an unnatural lump. She was being gentle so it took awhile, but that lump area is where the pain stabs and I became a 'puppet on some strings' shaking all over. Now she will come with me and point out the area, which I gather is difficult to find. (The neurologist never did even touch me, but my Dr. hit the mark, then walked away and sat down.)

In arriving at a total for future care, a table showing my life expectancy is used, showing 15.07 years, then... the multiplier appropriate for determining the present value of annual expense extending 15 years into the future, at a 3.5% discount rate, is 11.5174.... to quote from my lawyer and the website I visited, that lawyer's use.

Believe me when I say one's health is far better than wealth, yet know we all need money to get by.

So Karla and I will be very good, the best, of friends when I am 87 and kick the bucket   and Future Care is for a Lifetime of Therapy. I have already paid her $7,271.25, out of pocket, and that will be returned to me under 'Special Damages', plus all medications and 1 wheelchair, etc. (I had to buy a new w/c and didn't know what size with the swollen thigh, but went on the assumption it was going to go back to normal. My Lawyer said, Ok, and if not then just buy another one...so I have a 16" and need a 17", and he'll see that I get it!

Karla came for my exercises yesterday and then we went for ice cream, by the lake, a short 6 blocks from here. Her husband heard about a program on TV and told her, as he expects I would like it, and she forgot it, so I will check through the channels tonight---or maybe it's tomorrow night! They're 42 and a bit like my kids, with no kids.

Love
Izzy

[lighter]

((Izzy,)) it warms my heart to picture you enjoying ice cream by the lake with Karla.

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks lighter,
Karla is so good to know what I need and don't need. We were at Citi Park at the lake and many people wander off to the grass, or sit on benches close to the lake, or fiddle around at the jewelry stands---and I know people who would want to go to the grass under a tree for shade--- well no way now-- cause Karla knows. She finds a bench in the shade and I can get to it and not go through a 3' drop to the grass level in the park, turn a somersault and lose my ice cream and dignity.

Thanks Hops,
I sent an email to Sister today about triangulation (or is that called strangulation?)  I have a feeling she doesn't know about it and when it's pointed out she will see that's been happening since 1969. I tried to very gently give my view on this ans said that her view in return would be welcomed.

Noted for all to read.
D said this:
"What you were saying makes so much more sense when you substitute acknowledgement for validation. I will not claim understanding of your situation, but I think that I am best placed to have a concept of what your life has been like."

This one is worth its own thread:
"What is it about human nature that we tend more to remember the difficult over the easy? the bad over the good? What is this attention we give to the negative, forgetting the positive? I ask because I feel bad. I feel bad because the memories of the difficult times have erased the good times, the anger I experienced has occluded the love I must have received, the dysfunction overriding the function.
 
Good one! supports about my Will designating Guardianship:
"....you cleared up for me a few years ago, was thinking that no one wanted me because I was being passed around, and then you had to pay someone to take care of me. I thought I wasn't wanted by anyone. But I seemed to understand that you still wanted me.

Last:
"But I do understand. Maybe not as deeply as you would like (how could anyone?), but I do understand. You are a strong, very strong woman, and you have lived through a lot. Way more hardship and suffering than anyone should have to endure in life. I feel terrible about that, and in my part in creating your loneliness. I too have things that I carry with me and that is one of them. I have not forgiven myself for my bad judgement in chosing g__s' side over you. It was wrong, and I apologize again. I can't undo it. I do feel however that coming out of it helped us to get to a place that was better for us than where we were, because I was more empowered in our relationship, and I could say things to you that I couldn't before, and that has allowed us to have these dialogues"

All is not lost---ME

Love
Izzy

[Hopalong]

Oh what a joy to read.

Your D does have a heart, and a conscience, and does love you, Izz...

For so long you feared she didn't.

She DOES!

Happy for you, love,

Hops

[lighter]

Izz:

Such terrible damage.... so much pain and hurt through the years.

It's gotta be difficult for your s and d to come out of deep denial, blame and minimization to face reality.

((((Izzy))))  I'm glad communication with your child has moved into a more honest space.
Lighter
 

[sKePTiKal]

Iz - about remembering the horrible over the good times...

our brains, I think, are designed to form more concrete memories of things that can potentially hurt us - things to be feared. It becomes part of the dictionary and encyclopedia of our flight/fight/freeze reflex... which tends not to analyze, "think" or ponder much... that part of our brain is the most likely to reduce things to bad - good or black - white. This is the part of the brain that acts first, and asks questions later... so that we don't become some grizzly bear's lunch.

So, it's a built-in, darwinian, survival technique. It makes just as many mistakes as our higher functioning parts of our brains, though.