Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
new phase
Guest:
Yes, I've had the stretch of dreams, in the past. And yes, it's processing. Now I don't know what I might dream, or if!
Vibratory angioedema, apparently. Do check out the "Wikipedia" scratched into the skin of someone with dermographism on this page. Who needs tattoos?! :? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urticaria
I wish my body was sloughing off poisons, but I've had this all my life. It can go in 7 year cycles too, oddly. With me I guess it moves around the body every 7 years or so.
sKePTiKal:
I "think" - my skin crap is more associated with voicelessness - and curing it. I noted the reference in one of the wikipedia citations to the parasympathetic system. Except for the childhood episodes brought on by extreme stress, trauma and it's buddy anxiety (and the blatant lack of acknowledgement thereof)... I didn't start experiencing skin issues, until my body forced me to start looking for emotional/psychological causes of my lifelong conflicts. A few years back, I had horrible psoriasis symptoms on my palms and the soles of my feet. Except for white spots left behind - a lack of pigmentation in scar tissue, I guess - there's no trace of it now. Hasn't been for years.
It's difficult to say, whether there is an actual physical cause -- something medically treatable. I really have no desire to become a mystery patient who is passed around the system and a guinea pig for people's "educated guesses". Been there, done that. There are a few possibilities in that line of inquiry. Nerve issues, neuro issues, Lyme disease, allergies, etc. OR... if my body-brain connection is such that there is a stronger "expression" avenue from something internal to external via my body when I'm not able to verbalize what's really bothering me... or when I'm sure it's dangerous to say a thing... or when I'm highly discomfited - as in the case of "breaking taboos" when something is right for me... but was against the "rules" of who I was "allowed" to be.
The role of the parasympathetic system is calming, smoothly flowing energy that is soothing to mind, body and spirit. I have been in an internal negotiation with myself about reviving my tai chi practice - just for me, a type of "wellness" practice to counter just such crap as I'm dealing with physically. Just for the proven benefits I know I experience. My inner "slave driver" has so far thwarted beginning this... with the usual types of distractions that are tagged with artificially inflated "importance". I haven't acknowledged to my teacher yet, that I am involved in this kind of rediculous struggle with myself; it's highly embarrassing as I was a potentially really good student and I know she's a bit disappointed in me. There is an easy way out of the dilemma - just start practicing again... but... (???? but WHAT???)
If I can just "spit it out" (!!!!!).... I have a concurrent TERROR response joined to doing anything that "feels good" (or is supposed to feel good or is good "for" me). Like the saying: Love hurts. That's been engraved on my brain through repeated experience. And yet I know that it's the perversion of the truth - if it is love, it doesn't hurt. ETC examples... all connected to the progress I've been making on self-harm/sabotage. It's as though my brain won't accept the reality of an unconditional GIFT - here is a cookie, and no, there is no conjoined "price to pay" for accepting the kindness of a simple sweet. And then there's the awareness of damn, if it's really is TRUE... no awful price ALWAYS associated with the good stuff in life... oh, what a loss I've imposed on myself.
I have been able to "push through" and actually do/experience a different equation lately. Breaking the Taboo. In lots of little, insignificant ways... and a few bigger ones. And I wonder... if my unconscious (via my body connection) is trying get me to "pay the price"... the old pattern of trying to ward off even worse pain/abuse, by hurting myself FIRST. Some things remain intractable struggles of "will".
Perhaps, that also explains the odd awful dreams, too.
Hopalong:
((((((((PR))))))))
I felt, reading that, that I was suddenly understanding the difference between self-love as defiant and self-love as natural.
Feeling the struggle you go through as you get from one to another.
It's not easy and natural yet.
Mine, neither.
But even if it's never ALL-natural, it's still the thing to do. Self-love, self-care. Not the same as selfishness. It's like taking care of our bodies (I'm doing a crap job this month) paves the way for everything else good. Skip that, all of it's undermined or off focus.
Preaching to myself,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Maybe that is so - the nature of the struggle - Hops. Maybe it is an attempt to get to "natural" self-love.
As many words that now seem to be spewing out about it, I'm a long ways yet from being able to peg it that simply... I need to let it play out, willy-nilly, and see what does "make sense" looking back at it. You could very well be right. I'm not ready to "tag it" yet, though.
I'm learning a whole bunch of new things, for sure. New approaches based on other things that worked for other purposes. Like, it's OK Hops if you couldn't keep to your chosen self-care for awhile. Acknowledge it. Pat it on the head and hug it. Tell it that it's OK and you'll try again starting tomorrow. That works way better for me than determined, fierce insistence on some draconian idea of "instant change". For me, the "old ways" have something nostalgic - akin to a security blanket - about them. You know how hard it is to take a 2 yr old's security blanket away to wash it? uh-huh... that's what I'm dealing with. I have to trade it not just A cookie... but something to keep it occupied longer than that.
It's also like trying to gentle a feral cat... gently break a horse to ride... gain the trust of an abused dog - that kind of thing. Even that kind of approach can set up waves of "threat" and fear, at least initially. I'm just not scared off from my approach anymore by the nasty growls, superfast swipes of a paw or the ears laid back. I just slow it down even more.
Overall the progress is forward for me - even with these moments of resistance; maybe over time they'll become more half-hearted; maybe I'll win my unconscious self over... patience, repetition, and acknowledging that this part of me has damn good reason to be wary based on the past; but it's no longer "the past" and much has changed. And when weird things like the dreams and physical stuff come up... it doesn't permanently derail forward motion.
Try again tomorrow (((Hops))).
sKePTiKal:
So, it's tomorrow:
and progress is S-L-O-O-O-O-O-W. The dreams took a couple days off... and came back again. I have the sense that I'm being taunted, teased by them - dared even... to get emotionally upset one way or another, through outrage, fear or anger. YAWN.... I've already seen Clockwork Orange & a couple versions of Alice in Wonderland... this plot isn't original or interesting and isn't making any relevant points about anything.
Thankfully, there are plenty of things to "do" today in 3-D. And some of them are fun even.
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