Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
new phase
Guest:
Chopping wood is always fun?
--- Quote ---this plot isn't original or interesting and isn't making any relevant points about anything.
--- End quote ---
PR, does there come a point where nothing, OR, everything, is relevant?
We choose what interests us, by being interested, or not.
And then we die! :D
sKePTiKal:
Interesting, FW...
the question of whether it's all or never relevant at a given point. I don't know. Never asked that question!
Also don't know, about how much intention there is in what interests me. Maybe I'm OCD curious or something like that. I can be fascinated and engrossed in observing, studying, watching things without ever making a conscious choice about whether I will do that. I think that's kinda connected to a habit that SL mentioned over on Overcomer's thread: being programmed to always be conscious of other's well-being -- even if it's at my own expense. I never ask myself: self, is this something I really want to give attention to? I just do. There's a lot to be interested in, in this life.
And it's possible, that I could frame some of the aspects of this phase in terms of intentionally choosing what I will spend time, energy, and attention on... and setting some limits - boundaries - on that for myself. And that would be totally abandoning the "rules" of my zombie-foo... disregarding the "natural FOO order of things"... blatantly transgressing those perverse "laws of nature"...
... I can see where that might freak out my poor unconscious self who is probably waiting to be struck by a lightning bolt for even daring... to think... much less DO something so against the "rules". As if I'm not allowed to determine who the hell I think I am... or want to be interested in or do.
As if other people's idea of "who I am" is way more important than my own idea or definition...and I'm not allowed to deviate from THEIR idea.
Hmmmm. That kinda makes everything relevant, doesn't it? And irrelevant at the same time? [oooops! Zen Koan time again!!]
Guest:
Hi PR
well, I bet there are lots of things that don't interest you, without you noticing? I like the idea of OCD curious, but think that would be pretty unfocussed, monkey-brained-curious. I'm not always programmed for others' well-being, just when I pay attention. I guess that's a decision I make, yeah, I do (there's control freakery in there, watching other people do stuff and thinking...I can see the pitfalls, you can't, I will take notice because I choose to make you important to me).
Would it be nice to get the point where you don't have to think about setting boundaries (they are simply there). Esp if it's something you want to do.
Ah lightning bolts: they don't happen, or they happen randomly, and probably not to the 'right' people! As for the rules...you can only rely on your own. I know what you mean though.
--- Quote ---Hmmmm. That kinda makes everything relevant, doesn't it? And irrelevant at the same time? [oooops! Zen Koan time again!!]
--- End quote ---
Yup. Easy 8)
river:
Oh God Phoenix, it me again. YES, I went through somethin rediculously similar.
You talk about this as if its ok, not really troubling you and that could be right. When I was going trho that is WAS troubling me. The dreams were so laced with horror. No other way to put it.
But maybe yours IS different. You could be getting something called 'the triad'. Its like when you move forward, the disorder counter attacks. Once you understand whats going on, its easier to deal with it.
Mine was so the same that I also had exzema. It sooo complicated to explain it all here, and sort of intricate.
I have a suggestion, ... or 6. You're v. intelligent, I could suggest what to read that'll give you loads of knowledge and insight into the disorders/ mine/ yours theirs and etc.
Sorry, again, I just read the first post, really should be doing other stuff, but love to talk with you.
r.x
sKePTiKal:
Thank you so much, river! It's comforting to know others deal with some of the same things.
I am resolved at this point, that there is really only 1 way (for me) to approach this "problem". Problem is in quotes, because really I've been dealing with this since I was 12... I have done all the emotional forensics and memory archeology... I've read a ton about attachment difficulties and how that affects neuro development... experienced ways to deal with and influence that mind-body connection... (sort of like a serial dieter who never really loses the weight... until they stop dieting)
and this new place I'm in, is one of accepting that: hey - this is who I am and I understand why and it's not "bad", just embarrassingly inconvenient some times but it will get better over time, if I pursue this one single-minded and concentrated approach:
which is to love the part of me that's so fearful it's either fleeing or fighting or trying to harm itself... until it stops. Hug it till it it's not in panic-mode... it's relaxed... and it finally hears me saying that "it's OK, it's all right - I understand". That "other" part of me which has a form of will of it's own and feels separate from me... only needs mothering to stop. A "good enough" mother.
This works... and I can't really explain why or how... but it works. So, I'm rolling with it! After having so many other approaches start out so well... and eventually lose effectiveness or fail flamboyantly... this seems to be different. And it solves the one main functional problem in my attempts to sustain "changes"... which is that intense and uncontrollable resistance.
My goal isn't to "get rid" of that part of me... my goal is to heal it and integrate it back in a whole me. This part of me isn't the prettiest part, or the smartest... but it's fierce, determined, shrewd and calculating and very, very, very good at surviving... and that can and should co-exist with the daydreamer, the playful imagination, and the "marshmallow" sweet, sticky and gooey self that wants to adopt every puppy and kitty in the world. I guess that makes me complicated, but we'll just blame that on Mother Nature's way... or the Force... the Tao... whatever.
One thing I've noticed lately, is that this resistance has a knee-jerk reflex when another person tries to tell me "don't be like that"... "don't phrase it that way"... as if they are trying to define me and mold my expression of my feelings and self into something that THEY prefer me to be or want me to act like. Well, duh: that's kinda the most basic boundary, isn't it? I'm me... and you're you. And we ARE different, feel different, and act differently. End of explanation. And it's perfectly fine if people are uncomfortable with some of those expressions of me; if they don't like that. I'm generally more complicated than that; I'm not just that one thing 100% of the time... I can be happy... then I might be sad; angry... analytical... or passionately ranting. It isn't possible... it's an unrealistic expectation of others... that they are going to be exactly what you want them to be at all times. [Within certain socially agreed upon limits, of course! I'm not describing the rageaholic, sociopathic, rampant ego thing here - just the individual self.]
If that were the way people and relationships worked, my hubs would be an immaculate housekeeper, chef, landscaper and building maintenance man! LOL... he reserves the right to disappoint those expectations of mine a lot of the time, you know? And I still love him anyway. So... why can't the same thing apply to that feral cat part of me?
I guess, in a round about way, I've talked through to what "this" phase is all about.
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