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Mothering Again, con't.

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Hopalong:
Can't find my original post with this subject name, drat it. Search engine doesn't pull it up.

Can't verbalize how all this feels or is, at the moment, but need to say it, fwiw:

My D is down to her last $300, 19 hours away.
She has been diagnosed bipolar (I did not know this until a few months ago).
Her electricity is being turned off tomorrow.
Her stepmother, for whom she was a hospice companion, has been moved from the area to hospice in another state. So she has just said goodbye to her.
She has seen, and bid farewell to again (after 7 years of no contact, this brought them together again temporarily) her two longed-for brothers (one step- and one half-) and just said goodbye to them again. They neglect her and can't be of much help. One was tolerant, the other hostile.
Her friends are shaky in their support (and most are in other states).
Her phone will probably be turned off soon too.
Her landlord lives next door to her apt. and the regular voicemails (reminders) from his staff unnerve her.
She is having sustained panic attacks.
She has a broken-thread, unsubstantial support system where she is.
She is huddled in her apartment, which she can't get it together to clean, and terrified.

She is being more in touch and more honest with me than ever.

She is falling apart.

My heart is ripped and I don't know what to do.
I have barely gotten my nose above the surface of the water again since bailing her out last time.

To do it again would be like putting my fingers in a hole in a dike. A month ago I went to the wall and coughed up a few thousand on credit to keep her going. I made her write out a plan. She didn't follow through (having the very good though totally "distracting" explanation of the vigil with her stepmom).

I am rent in two over it.

Hops

lighter:
(((Hops))) I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine the pain and frustration you must be feeling.

What is your daughter asking you to do, if anything?

Is she on medication? 

Do you feel she needs to hit rock bottom in order to be open to growth and healing?

You've gone through this with her before.  What did you learn from that experience?

What do you wish you'd done differently, if anything?

::sending you and your d strength and healing::

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
I'm so sorry Hops.

I so know how awful this is for you... the flood of feelings that go in more than one direction that leave you unsure of what that one "magic" thing is that will make things all right again, for your D. I wish I knew what it was and could send you the magic wand to "make it so". You just have to promise to send it back... because I KNOW that I'll have reason to need it again, too. Maybe we can make one to pass around, to whomever needs it at the moment?

There just isn't a finite limit or end to a mom's job description or wish to make all right with the world. The hard part is that this has to co-exist with the realities of life and all those rational decisions that we make on a daily basis. I'm not sure I completely buy in to the current tough-love, never rescue the flailing fledgling philosophy anymore. On occasion, I've taken those decisions... that path... and while it brought peace and sanity to my immediate head space, it was really just buying time for me to realize that I can't live with myself under those decisions. It just doesn't feel right to me to walk away from someone I love who needs me.

But it's also not right for me, to suffer helplesslessly - nor you either, Hops - because of our life limitations; the restrictions on our ability to use magic mom skills to right the world for our kids. And talking it all out is just about the only thing that works for me. Why don't you try it here? You just need to throw your own ideas and feelings and situational spagetti against the wall, until you see what you can/can't do under the circumstances... and be at peace with it. (I'll try and hold back my Ms. Fix-it, take this advice and call me in the morning reflex while you're sorting it all out.)

There IS a solution but it's probably "a little of this and a little of that" and some trial and error, too. There's no one simple recipe and each situation is different. But, for sure... I know you & D will get through this too, to another comfortable, peaceful place.

Hopalong:
Thanks, Lighter and PR--.
She's on SSRIs but not mood stabilizer (said they didn't work for her).
There's some MD down there she was referred to by her college but now that
she's done w/school (and she has no insurance) she can't afford to see him.
He calls in Rx refills for her, evidently. She mentioned "a therapist" but partially discloses
and I have no clarity on whether this is a current, available therapist who's seeing her for free, or what.
She also said she's heard her school's counseling service has a crappy reputation and she feels her T
has not helped her ata ll.

I don't know how much more "bottom" there is for her.
I understand the "hitting bottom" concept but I'd say she's bounced very hard, twice now,
in the last year...and the definition of bottom keeps dropping. This is pretty
bad. No power (she'll lose all her food) and no job. Emotional loss on top of loss
(cat died, stepmother gone for good, brothers gone...). She's struggling to get the comfort
and attention she needs from her friends but her needs are overwhelming and her desperation
is alienating them.

She says it's almost impossible to pull it together and do the perky upbeat
energy one has to emit to job hunt. I get it. Full-tilt panic is completely disabling.

What she wants from me is help--and basically, the only form is money. She
can't really take my advice very well. At the same time, she wants to do everything
her way. I tried, when I bailed her out a month ago, to insist on a plan first.
She wrote me a detailed plan about the steps she would have to take (and
actually called around to the agencies) if she became homeless. But....she
didn't get a job. So it's a month later, same bills are due, and she's worse off.

She is full of shame and pain but is no longer blaming me.
They can't evict her overnight but without electricity her situation is surely
accelerated. I stopped payment when she again charged it to my bank
account without my permission (we'd been through this before and she'd
sworn it was a "mistake". This time, I learned she'd have had to intentionally
enter my info in, online. They said so, anyway. I'm feeling enormous guilt.)

I knew what the consequences would be. She "knew" but had avoided facing it.
I feel like I personally have shoved her underwater. But it triggers strong feelings
to find something removed from my bank account without my authorization. I am
struggling with my own financial fears and ADD-bookkeeping issues and felt betrayed, etc.

BUT...she urgently needs help. I have sent her links to resources and info (had to
repeat all the addresses and phone numbers, since she'd not retained my email--
or can't get online from home). She is so shaky she can't get to the library to do
research. She's trying to decide between giving $150 to her landlord or putting
gas in the car so she can get to a doctor or mental health clinic. It's that much
of a precipice she's on. She's essentially hiding indoors...

I can't think of any other thing to do other than to provide money. I will not
permit anyone to have access to my checking account so I guess sending her
money by Western Union or some such is the way to go. There are 3 major
things:
-- (paying up her current rent of $800, which will complete her lease--
I'm certain they won't re-sign her). I believe she'd then be unmolested in her
apt. through the end of October, or possible mid-November. (It seems to go
from the 15th to the 15th).
--paying her electric bill so she won't lose her food and AC
--paying her cell phone (I already agreed to do a minimum, but she owes
back charges)

All in all it's probably another $2000+. I can't afford it, but don't know what
else to do. What I can't evaluate is whether there's any point, or whether in 4 weeks
there'll just be a dire need for another $1500, etc etc etc -- and I simply can't sustain her.
I really can't.

What I did a year+ ago when she was desperate (her car had died) was
tell her, I can offer you free food and shelter, but all I can pay for is a UHaul
to get you here. Then, we had the devastatingly horrible year together which
traumatized us both. She has said if she had to come back to this town she'd
want to kill herself. (I said of course then, this is not an option.)

Still, she has a way of blocking every possible exit or alternative for herself.
There's something wrong with every single one, as she sees it.

I've suggested she contact relatives in another city, on her father's side, to
see if the family would give her a room for a while, or try to help her out.
She called an aunt who changed the subject and "had to go" when D told
her she was in dire financial straits. So she's not sure she should go there.

She has friends in another city who'd let her stay with them a while and has
given that a little thought.

She told me she just wasn't sure she could cope with a major state to state
move right now.

I think she's terrified, in very bad mental shape, and can't see a solution.
I know I could send money but I don't know if that's something that will
ultimately change anything. It will make me worse and at best, buy her a couple weeks.

I understand the theory of "let them experience consequences" but if those
consequences include homelessness, desperation, or complete mental breakdown
or suicide...then I would sacrifice anything for her.

It's hard to know what to do because one month ago, it was the same thing.
My T said paying one thing or another is "a finger in the dike." Meaning, I could
pay one more month's rent. At the end of that, where is she. What's changed.
She has inadequately treated bipolar (and possibly ADD) and ---

Shit. I just don't know. I could also go down there, but I don't know if she
would let me help her. She is trying so hard to control things but it just makes
it harder to help... And spending the money to make a trip there, the flight etc.,
plus renting a car there -- would wind up costing half what it would cost to just
send her money. I also am afraid. But I'd do it if that was the right next thing.
(Already told my workplace I might have to fairly suddenly take a long weekend).

If she got a decision, and a plan to move somewhere, I told her I would come be
moral support and help pack, etc. I am reluctant though to go prematurely and just watch
her NOT be readying for the next location. I would spend all that to get there and then
have to leave her in just as bad shape as before--and then I'd have less ability to send
her money.

Thank you for reading,
Hops

teartracks:





Oh beloved Hops,

So sorry for your pain and your daughters. 

Have you considered contacting church outreaches?  I'm sure there are many in her area and I feel confident they would help her temporarily and perhaps see her through this down period.   If you decide to contact churches on her behalf, it would probably be best to select one that has resources/people/counselors (all from the same church) who can help see your daughter through this terrible down time;  things necessary to keep her apartment going, food, etc.   There is a wonderful organization called Crown Ministeries (search online) that gives free, professional financial counseling and help with budgeting.   I believe with a few calls, you can rally those needed to come to your daughter's aid. 

tt

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