Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mothering Again, con't.
BonesMS:
Another possible option is to call 2-1-1 to see what other resources might be available to help.
Hopalong:
Thanks, TT, and Bones--
I love the church support idea but she's pretty fiercely atheist and I'm not sure could swallow her theological differences (maybe fears) enough to turn to a Bible-based ministry. I have tried for ages to encourage her to get involved in the local UU church -- she did once before, actually rented a room from a member, the relationship soured (all this was before her year with me). I will mention it to her but have figured out that me trying to long-distance get others involved in helping her just backfires.
I have sent her SO many links to local resources, but it's like leading the horse to water.
She called earlier and is momentarily cheerful because friends there did take her for a bday lunch today.
It's like--for that moment, she's fine, so she was going to take a nap.
She had asked me for a specific book (Take Control of Bipolar) and has told me firmly and clearly that the solutions have to come from herself.
I think perhaps I need to let go and trust the universe.
It's just that my own anguish and fear over her make me want to take urgent action.
And she's so changeable that one evening she'll seem completely irrational and the next afternoon, quite calm.
I think, for this moment/day -- I'm going to just be still and see what happens. Torturous.
And I gathered her power hadn't been turned off yet. Perhaps the friends gave her some practical encouragement too today.
I just have no idea. I think I have to make my peace with it. It is soooooooo long-distance that I'm not confident that without her participation,
I can do much. (For example, I call all these resources, even including Crown, and they call her...and she ignores the call. This happened with
another resource/opportunity I sent her...she just won't take the hand that's offered.)
She seems excited by reading the 2 books I sent her, is getting some understanding of her diagnosis.
Her instability is matched by her stubbornness.
I need to contain my own anxiety over her, and thank you very much for hearing it...
love,
Hops
Hopalong:
I hear you, TT....
I have had 3 different personal connections (including one whose partner is a HR professional, and they expressed GREAT willingness to have her come over, brainstorm with her...sent the warmest, kindest response--these are UU folks I knew many years ago, another church friend suggested). I forwarded all the contact info to her, and they emailed her...then wrote me in bewilderment that there was no response. Another, a big cheese attorney, told me he would happily take her to lunch and see if he could help. She let that offer fall to the floor too.
So as much as I wish finding the right organization were the answer, the real problem is that she is not responding. Particularly to advice or suggestions that stem from me....
Thanks for the thought (heck, she mentioned a few months ago some interest in attending a Quaker service, which would be wonderful...but never has done it.)
Part of my struggle is that I listen to her for hours, her anguished calls when she is panicking. But that's all I can do. I could send more money (down the rabbit hole) but it's just about useless to offer her advice. She just -- can't take it.
It grieves me madly but I even think sometimes I need to spend less time listening. I can't handle it myself when it goes on and on and on but she won't do One Single Actual Thing. She's incredibly eloquent about how trapped and hopeless she feels...but won't (or truly can't) take even Step One to begin to turn her ship around.
It makes me desperately worried and anxious but she also gets mad at me if I convey any of that worry. She screens my tone of voice, everything I say, and lectures me at length on how that is "not helpful". It's torturous. Basically I need to wear a muzzle, listen, and have no emotional response.
I guess she doesn't know how much that's asking of me...I know I fail to behave like a perfect therapist-parent.
Hops
Hopalong:
I just withdrew from her on the phone--saying I needed to go to bed early--and then was stricken with guilt, called her back several times, she won't pick up, etc. So now I'm anxious about that too.
I am SO ANXIOUS myself, and what she seems to want is for me to be totally unflappably absorbent while she describes pure disaster over and over and over...but NOT reveal any of my own anxiety or distress. It reminds me of the 2-hour "listening sessions" she would demand when she lived here.
It nearly breaks my own mind and my own anxiety load is getting huger and I can't be everything or all she needs, but she manipulates and controls me even while I'm trying to help. (My SW friend said she's manipulative, and I know that's true.)
I am also sensitive and an anxious type and I'm worried sick and I feel helpless. I'm failing her. But I'm starting to flail myself -- I can't manage my own life if I get completely absorbed in hours of disaster narrative every night....
I am just desperately concerned about her but also about myself, it's like she's drowning and I am trying to hold her above the water while she periodically punches me in the face while screaming, Save Me.
(She did just call back. I expressed, stumblingly, that I didn't mean AT ALL to withdraw support but that I was trying to deal with my own self and felt I couldn't listen very well tonight...and she made clear she understood. She'll call me tomorrow.)
One small thing is she'll talk at great length about minutiae...things in her closet, etc.--and my mind is screaming, DO SOMETHING...she gets all absorbed in things that have nothing to do with getting income or finding a place to stay or what is she going to do if her electricity is suddenly shut off....so now, she's going over to a friend's house to visit two kittens.
I just can't handle it sometimes.
Hops
Hopalong:
Breaaaaaaaaaaaathe.
Okay. Want to say--no worries if you can't think of solutions.
Just being heard here has great value and I am grateful this board was here today.
love,
Hops
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