Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Forgiveness
Nonameanymore:
Hi Hops,
It's not alpha healing - lol!
I am on a spiritual journey for quite some time now and theta is just a practice together with everything else I have done in the last 5-6 years. I actually got a full scholarship.
Did any of what I wrote you made you think that I was being bullied or was exploited? My teacher's view - not that I was forced to under any circumstances take it as mine - is what I mentioned, about good and evil, doing good and making mistakes, based on her personal experiences and in all honesty, I quite like it because it is easier to forgive myself also, not seeing myself as 'evil', just because NM for many, many years, wanted to make me believe it. Under this light I can include myself in this, just as they say, these are things we did, not who we are. And make amends accordingly.
The reason I have a spiritual practice (I am talking about being Greek orthodox), aside the fact that I truly believe in God is also related to NM - she has been practicing witchcraft for 35 years now and at times I wanted to understand what motivates her, not in the way that I believe that she actually achieves anything or if witchcraft exists etc but in the sense that she will go into all this trouble, whatever that is, to get what she wants, overriding any sense of free will on the other person, at least that's what she thinks she is able to do, lol! But that's what narcissism is in the first place - overriding the other person's free will or not accepting/honouring it, right?! How ironically suitable, come to think of it now...
Hopalong:
Hi Rania,
I am an idiot. I heard the word "theta" and the word "clear" and plugged
in the thought "films" and leapt, nay rocketed, to the assumption these
might be references to Scientology vocabulary.
My brain is not working very well.
Sorry!
:oops:
Hops
Nonameanymore:
No worries hops! hahaha!!!
You know, I thought you meant something like scientology too!
In all honest, theta is a wacky practice but pretty much anyone who has strong faith and an intent to achieve/change something, is already doing it anyway...
Rania xx
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote from: Hountini on October 13, 2011, 07:27:00 AM ---Phoenix, I think you should write - there is a lovely and natural flow in your writing!
--- End quote ---
Thanks Rania! I think I should write - or paint - or make prints - or handmade books - or........ also.
But I "can't". Can't in quotes... because my creativity is all so wrapped up in my own mom issues. And I've not really attempted - yet - that untangling. I've been a "maker" of one sort or another since I was a small child and when all my issues started to come together to a crisis-point... I gradually stopped "making" this, then that, then that too... even though I held on to (without a good reason) all the tools necessary to return to those techniques and mediums. Someday.
Simply explained - mom would always criticize everything I made... and almost always with a preface of "I would've/wouldn't've..." and nothing I did could ever stand alone, without her touching it -- and spoiling it for me. When I chose to give up music for art - she started painting... she always "knew better" what would work - despite the fact that in reality, there were things I did much better than she did and would paint areas for her to submit for judging. Sewing was the same way - but it's not nearly so tainted now, because my MIL was a professional seamstress and she was able to undo the expectation I held of my work never being "good enough". MIL had enough confidence in my ability to give me beautiful fabrics for projects she was no longer able to fulfill.
Now, I've sold art. Paintings, prints... and the success of that always generated the fear of retribution from the usual suspect. I've endured countless monologues of what she thinks I "should do"... now that I am not working. Her dreams of a studio... her dreams of being a successful artist (ha!)... all pushed at me with the expection (familiar to you, I think) that I'll be able to teach her how to do it. And that this is the only reason for pursuing this - I don't have a right to my own ego-satisfaction of a job well-done - only she can bestow that honor, you know?
So, like a two-yr-old, I turn the tables on this power play by saying NO - I don't have to! You can't make me!! Sigh. I have convinced myself of this, too - even though I really enjoyed some of the work involved... and understand that my "way of working" can be different now; I don't have to be the hermit in the cave sans all human contact to create anymore... not eating or sleeping until the image hits a natural stopping point.
And my favorite excuse - or rationalization - is that I have nothing to "say" anymore. Well, duh... if there was a word-counter here on the board, I'm probably in the top 20 for sheer number of words. To write still feels dangerous, because what I have to say gets very autobiographical and even after all this time, work, and breakthroughs I feel I have no right to air the family's "dirty laundry" and that I'll be punished via instant karma for "telling it like it is - to me". I toyed with the idea of doing the story in fiction - but it seemed to be a cheap trick, too transparent and perhaps even more dangerous because even if I work hard not to be autobiographical - she'll attribute something to the past in the wrong way. I don't feel too confident with writing dialogue, either - all that punctuation gets in the way... (I know, that's what editors are for)...
... hubs has suggested a childrens' book - completely different, fun, subject matter. And I'll admit to drooling over the prospect of illustrations of a simple story... and then up wells the pain and I don't want to put my self through that anymore. That pain has to do with having simple joys ripped right out of my fingers and heart and ripped to pieces and set on fire in front of me, with the admonition of how I should never, ever imagine that I am capable of or allowed to... experience this... because it's not part of my stupid, delusional mom's reality. Play and simple joys are wrapped up in a grief-hairball that I choke on, every single time... even though I don't fear grief or loss anymore (I simply don't want to be there, if I can help it...).
And I don't want to make ugly, angry, cathartic art anymore. Even if it in vogue.
I want to finally be able to re-create that happy, sunny, simply joyful safe place again... and share that through making things that others can have. I just don't quite know, what is required... beyond "permission", confidence, forgetting the "rules" (or emotional taboos)...
Nonameanymore:
Hey Phoenix. Please forgive the 'should', I don't like it as a word either. I meant you're good at it and totally understand your frustrations. my NM had to top up everything, the last being as I already shared, going to film school and because she had money, she written, directed and produced more that I have been able to do in my 11 years experience (although I KNOW that I am a professional screenwriter)
I don't know if this would help but I came across a promotional series of lectures for a book launch called 'Big Fat Lies' by Amy Ahlers, a life coach, and she had women give lectures on their expertise exposing the various big fat lies women tell themselves and it was really helpful and had me writing again etc. The lectures are not free anymore but at the end of each lecturer there is a free gift, a subscription to their site and they had a variety of these gifts on muse and creativity etc. One I loved was a woman called Sark (www.sarkplanet.com I think)and another Samantha Bennett that she sends daily writing prompts. I just thought I'd share with you
My memoir is pretty real, so real that people who read bits of it don't believe it's true because as 'they' say, it's not possible that I can be so honest about things, because I talk about her shortcomings but also mine. I don't care, it's been published - I found out - in spring. And you know, like you, I was made or forced to believe that I don't have the right to write like I write which is for some philosophical and introspective etc (a.k.a. dark and autobiographical like ALL writing is, at least the autobiographical) but I learned in drama school that with such works a) the reader (or audience) feels good to read that someone else went through what they did and are and you ok and b) the reader (or audience) has not had it bad but exactly for that reason feels how good their life is compared to yours, and feels better! It's a win-win to me! (and to a lot of art/drama/writing scholars).
You cannot change who you are to please the reader, you cannot use a different voice to write or to create art, it wouldn't be right anyway because who you really are is that counts, and because you are who you are, you have something important to say
Much love
Rania
ps I love your phrase 'fear of retribution from the usual suspect', it made me laugh because I know that feeling very well, I mean I did take my site down among others because I couldn't take all the war
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