Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I just found out....
Izzy_*now*:
..that the dead car batteries are because back in January, 2009, a positive terminal clamp was finagled into a 'smaller' clamp for the negative terminal, which is somewhat smaller so the screw remained loose and drained the battery, and that is why my batteries have been draining and dying up until today! I hope that is the end of that.
--that I am Schizoid PD (but always ignored that because I knew I was not schizophrenic. ) Imagine my surprise, all this liking to live alone, not wanted to be a part of my family and ever so many 'qualifications'.....some with variations, not 4/7, but 7/7. I think I am happy!
Childhood
"Retrospective assessment suggests that patients with schizoid personality disorder often have histories of grossly inadequate, cold, or neglectful early parenting, which often began early in life. Psychodynamic theories suggest that these traumatic experiences create an expectation that relationships will not be gratifying and a subsequent defensive withdrawal from others" (Gunderson & Philips, pg. 1445). "
"A child born with an introverted, shy temperament may be constitutionally predisposed to developing this disorder, especially if the earliest parenting is cold, neglectful, insensitive, or hostile to the infant's disposition. Some psychodynamic theorists believe that individuals with this disorder remain completely unattached to people because they gave up early on any hope of gratification from others. Following their inborn temperamental style, perhaps they adapted to their unsatisfying environment by turning inward, away from any attachment to anyone" (Oldham, pp. 291-92).
Intrusive mothering, detached fathering
(I could scarcely believe my eyes. Damn therapists are just after the money and never listen. I've been talking that since I was 19. I might still have a life and a daughter if I had been listened to.)
...that my daughter wants NO MORE correspondence from me, but by cracky...I can hack it and Will
...that the medication for pain, was FOR pain. I stopped the medication, Saturday, and stopped the pain. WTF! (Why That's Fanastic!)
...that the medication for pain was putting on weight--in 6 days already I can see a difference!
... the local police said that I will be immune from setting fire to Canadian Tire
can be refunded fees for therapy
& can twist every psychiatrist
who never listened to me
from age 19 to almost 73.
...but I'll survive anyway and that must mean what being schizoid is all about...............SURVIVAL!
Love♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Izzy
sKePTiKal:
oh Iz.... if you believe you have a PD, I have a bridge I wanna sell ya! LOL.... not everyone who goes through that kind of early upbringing is permanently affected THAT particular way. It's with some satisfaction, that I can say that the experts still can't figure out why that is. (I don't think I want the human condition or how people are, completely explained - that would be boring!) Even when SOME of the traits/affects line up - it's the degree to which you are that way that makes/breaks a solid diagnosis... and whether or not a slight nudge can help you change it. It's always helpful to find these things however... things that completely "fit" and say concisely what we've tried to explain (unsuccessfully) so many times before. Validating.
On the other hand, I absolutely think you've hit the nail on the head with that description as to WHY a lot of us struggle, still. The kind of parenting one experiences early on, resonates all the way through one's life - in sooooo many ways. Each of us, reacted and grew through those experiences we have in common, just a bit differently - we're not all identical twins, for lack of the word for "many" identicals - we learned to cope and survive just a bit differently.
That's actually one of the main strengths of a group like ours, here. Every time someone talks about a part of their story and how they survived, and how/what their change process is now... I always learn something new, that I hadn't thought of in quite that way before. And that helps me more than even my own explanations of "me"...
I'm glad to know your pain is lessening! My word, how many months - years - have you been living with this 24/7? It is quite interesting to know that stopping the pain meds, stopped the pain. Almost as if the act of taking the pill triggered that part of your brain to experience "pain" (perhaps phantom pain that nevertheless really hurts anyway???). That's exactly why I believe it's a false assumption of modern medicine, that people must always take a med their whole life... instead of recognizing that the med just helps adjust the body/brain to a new balance... and the drug can be useful for this - then slowly stopped. (For the record, this idea brands me as a certified wacko to most of the medical profession...).
Izzy_*now*:
--- Quote from: teartracks on October 21, 2011, 03:41:30 AM ---
Hi Iz,
So many problems solved or on the way to being solved. You're good!
--- Quote ---Following their inborn temperamental style, perhaps they adapted to their unsatisfying environment by turning inward, away from any attachment to anyone" (Oldham, pp. 291-92).
--- End quote ---
I've wondered about this. I think having a bent for living in one's mind could very well shield one from attachments. I have the bent. Had the hostile, aggressive, icy environment. Was terribly withdrawn until I hit my stride in my middle to late 20's. I looked at the statistics and figured that out of the 3 billion souls plus or minus on the planet, (at the time) our paths would cross and bingo, our lives would become interwoven as in a tapestry. I think having an open mind about it (my personality type can hardly be any other way) facilitates my attachments. I have a handful of friends. I have a bunch of relationships and I love people.
tt
--- End quote ---
'
Hi tt
and you too PR
I remember being withdrawn and shy from as far back as I can remember, of feeling not a part of the family and not liked by anyone, but to go off on my own, even at 2-3 and hide, and sit quietly was the only peace I knew. I would climb to the top of the granary bins and just sit, and into the raspberry patch (and didn't even eat the berries, against the law) and just hide and sit, and climb the maple tree at the side gate as High as I could and just sit, maybe chew on some gristle (which would last forever)
I recall the beatings from Dad and mom's being quiet: the fights with 4 siblings because I was not a red head and I did not belong, so I was told. None of this went away because I believe it was ingrained too young.
I was always changing best friends in public and high schools, and was afaid of a relationship with boys, because I didn't know what to do, because I was "different".
After I finished school and went to the city to work, I had a big job ahead of me to get on with my co-workers and boss, but I usually ended up, without realising it, with a job I could do on my own and have one supervisor. So I was alone in a crowd and always very careful to never make mistakes and I tried to follow the pattern that life was taking everyone, into a relationship and marriage.
Throughout life I could tell "who was to blame" for whatever went wrong, but even if I could not see the part I played, I expected it was something unknown to me, as I was "different". No one taught me the rules of life, so I made up my own .
I have often said that I live inside my head, therefore am an enigma to some people who "don't know who I am". I don't know who I am. When my inner self is invaded, I am "hït where I live", I become angry, like the hammering upstairs this morning, when I need my sleep for my therapist (in 2 hours now.) They don't know I've been awake most of the night, not falling asleep until 3:00, but I have tried to see the other person's side and there is no fault to be laid here, just my thoughts.
My best freind is Karla, my therapist, as I have been saying, since July, 2009, and we have but 1½ hours together, at a spell, during which I am the best patient, and she is the best therapist. we laugh, and vent with each other---yet as time went on, I wondered why I felt that if this was every day and all day, that it just wouldn't last.
I do very well with store clerks, as we 'pass in the night' and in all cases, if I pay a bill, I can afford to be expected to be treated well, to be able to crack a joke, but I don't invite them for Sunday dinner.
My lawyer "adores" me and calls be 'awesome', 'beautiful' so I rather built a non-existent? personality/character out of nothing and it works as long as I don't live with the people.
I wouldn't doubt now that whatever emptiness was inside me, and filled with things to make me appear normal, emanated to my daughter, and she might have felt phoney feelings from me. I don't know but I blame myself underneath but not as harshly as she has treated me, because I knew I was 'different.
Now I am alone and content, as I've said before, and had gone through 2 serious accidents and have pulled myself up by the bootstraps, with the professionals and have all in order, even to prepaying my funeral.
Yes, I am disordered, and anything I do that appears normal was my invention from very young as a means of survival in a world where I have been 'different' for 72½ years.
xx
Izzy
Izzy_*now*:
....so PR
See post to tt, as well....
How much do you want for the Bridge? LOL
Wait until my settlement comes through. I see now (always did) why a Higher Power looked after me financially, because I'd never be supported by a live person, just Hertz and ICBC, yet have suffered for the "free money".
March 27, 2009 =2 years and 7 months but a grand total of June 7, 1969 = 42 years< 5months
If you're a certified whacko, I will soon have a bridge to sell you!
XX
Izzy
PS--just passed my 11 months of no-smoking. One success in my life is pretty good!
teartracks:
Iz,
I only know what you tell us here. Even with the limitations of electronics, I don't think I could count the successes you've had as you've told us your story.
In my opinion, everyone would do well to have a little of the Izzy spunk and smarts.
tt
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