I am so confused

[Emotional_Cripple]

I just want to begin by saying that this forum is amazing. It, along with the three books I have bought in the last week, are very enlightening. I have been floating through my entire life not understanding what was wrong with me until one week ago. I always knew that I had interpersonal problems with my father and blamed him for my problems but never understood why. Now I realize that he has NPD and I have been the brunt of his projections.

Let me elaborate. I have always found school easy to the point of obtaining a Ph. D. with minimal work. Always was the smartest in my class and was tested with an IQ of 169. So, why is it that I am unemployed now for several years, having meaningless relationships with women, and feeling depressed beyond words. Everyone who knows me believes that I am lazy, unmotivated, and for the life of them can not understand why I have not succeeded.

Perhaps it is because I was always meant to feel like a failure. When I was accepted into a prestigious grad school I was made to feel like a failure because I didn't get in to the "best" school irrespective of the fact that I didn't even apply there. When I topped my class it still was not good enough because I didn't top the best school. The same logic followed me throughout my Ph. D. studies. Then when I was offered a tenure track position before even completing my Ph. D. my father's response was not congratulations but simply to berate me because a favor he asked of me did not turn out to his liking. He even had the balls to criticize my salary level and compared it to some menial position obtained by a mutual acquaintence.

Now I have come to realize where this is coming from. However, the hurt is tremendous. I feel like many years of my life were stolen from me and now he sits in judgement and makes me feel like a loser. And it is all his fault. The anger I feel is massive and at the same time I feel sorry for him. I know that I would be better off by severing my ties to him but then again I do not wish to alienate myself from my mother.

I also feel like I do not want to abandon him because after all it is not his fault. He has a problem for which he is not to blame. I just do not know how to proceed. I haven't had more than 2 hours sleep a night for the last week and am feeling totally overwhelmed.

Please help me!

[portia guest]

Hi EC, can I call you EC? Have a big hug (((EC))). Feeling all your hurt and anger means you're not an 'emotional cripple'. You can feel.

It's okay to be overwhelmed. It will change. The hurt and anger will lessen - or even grow in the sort term - but they will eventually subside if you let them go their full course. Let them out! Better out than in, as the crude expression goes (or is it just my family's expression?)

It's okay to feel everything and anything you're feeling - unless you feel like turning it against yourself? That only happens when the brain reckons it can't survive. And it sounds very much like your brain wants to survive! Good!

I say wait until the huge waves of anger/hurt subside before you take any action or make any decisions re: your Dad. Write it down. Write him a letter as an exercise (don't mail it). You might notice you want to think more about yourself and then slowly your Dad might start to become less significant as YOU become more important.

Want to talk some more? Portia not logged in

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the forum.

Your father is quite a piece of work. I'd say that he has an "envy issue" and that is an understatement. What's been your mother's reaction to all of your academic achievements?

Here is my feedback in a nutshell of what will help you the most rapidly:

(1) Get into therapy asap to work on the rage, depression, and emotional individuation from your father who has destructively enmeshed with you.

(2) Every day, do something that is just for you, that your father would probably criticize. Give yourself permission to be creative and pursue your interests and talents each day (baby steps). Creativity is the most formidable force against enmeshment.

(3) Get into therapy. Oh, I already said that.  

keep posting,
bunny

[Anonymous]

Hello EC,

I join the others in saying welcome to the board.  I'm glad you found your way here.  In the time I've participated on the board I have finally been able to find friends who truly, truly understand what it's like to have family members try to erase you from existence.  I keep coming back because the board is like journaling, blogging, and pen-pal exchange all in one.  And very gratifying.

I can relate in a much watered-down way to your experience.  I was the best student in my family, but it didn't count.  But looking back, if I had changed places with any of my siblings, it still wouldn't count.  "Don't compete with the master.  Don't think you are special."

Your dad has certainly done a number on you.  Hopefully in time you will be able to sort it all out and come to terms with the hurt and anger.  We have all felt and still feel that to some degree.  

I also want to toss another possibility your way (with apologies to Joseph Campbell): you are on a hero's journey.  You need to slay those dragons (your dad's voice and criticism) to be able to return to the community with a prize valued by all.  You obviously have tremendous gifts to offer the community but in the past you have been programmed to sacrifice them at the altar of your father's anger and envy.   I feel bad that you have been deprived of appreciation and recognition by your dad.  But perhaps the key to your personal salvation is finding the greater purpose for your gifts.

Keep posting.  It really does help.  Best, Seeker

[Discounted Girl]

I cannot remember who on this forum posted this a long time ago, but I printed it in very large letters and keep it near my computer. Thanks to whoever originated this -- I am going to quote you:

YOU MUST NOT CONSIDER IT A PRIVILEGE TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE.  JOY AND PEACE DON'T ONLY BELONG TO OTHERS, YOU CAN HAVE THEM TOO !!

[Emotional_Cripple]

You people are wonderful. You have shown me more compassion and understanding than I have experienced in my entire life from my father. When i first posted I thought that it would take days to get a reply. I was amazed at how quickly you jumped in with VERY useful pieces of advice.

I still think that I need a great deal of work and in one way I am relieved to have come to an understanding of my problem. I have always been the "go to" guy in the family (obviously everyone except my father) but I have never sought out help from others. I guess I never wanted to burden others or perhaps it is just that I have been programmed to stay voiceless.

I truely wish to make more posts on my issues but if you can believe it I feel like I would be selfish or be seen as a cronic complainer. I do sense that you people are out to help but then again I do have trust issues. I will work on this and try to raise some issues for discussion.

I do sense that people in this forum receive an emotional lift from helping others in their journey. Perhaps some day I will also be able to contribute and help others. I think when I reach that point a corner will have been turned. Untill then keep the posts coing as I am trying to absorb as much as possible.

You have literally brought me to tears and for that I thank you.

Emotional_Cripple

[seeker]

Hello again EC,

Well, all of us being voiceless, we know how much courage it takes to write that initial post and we would never want to let a voiceless person feel voiceless here.  

You wrote:

I truely wish to make more posts on my issues but if you can believe it I feel like I would be selfish or be seen as a cronic complainer. I do sense that you people are out to help but then again I do have trust issues. I will work on this and try to raise some issues for discussion.

Oh gosh is this ever a common feeling!  I still feel it.  We are so conditioned to shut up!  Anyway, don't rush yourself.  Just lurk along and we'll be here when you want to jump in again.  Peace, Seeker

[ResilientLady]

Hi EC,

The anger I feel is massive and at the same time I feel sorry for him.

As the posters above rightly said, it is normal that you go through this phase, it is part of the process. It should be temporary.

I know that I would be better off by severing my ties to him but then again I do not wish to alienate myself from my mother.

As you are revising your judgment about him, you feel that you should modify the distance between you and him and you are right. And this may impact the dynamics/triangle b/w you and each of your parents. It may take time to find the "right distance", but you will find it eventually.

I also feel like I do not want to abandon him because after all it is not his fault. He has a problem for which he is not to blame.

See? You are dealing with the "right distance" stuff   . You may be partially right in saying it is not his fault (you may say why after  you have studied in detail his own backgroud/relationships when he was younger. And on the other hand, at a certain age adults may bear a minimum of responsibility (at least this is what I believe).
So it is very hard to draw a line b/w responsibility of s.o. for their behavior on one hand, and the "predetermination" they are subject to, due to the history of their ancestors.
As far as I am concerned I could only handle my father's past behavior by doing genealogy research about his family. It put some many things in perspective   ...
Anyway you are on the right track with this board. And keep reading, I wish I had read more before starting my analysis...I would have wasted less time...   Oh well  
-ResilientLady

[Anonymous]

You people are wonderful. You have shown me more compassion and understanding than I have experienced in my entire life from my father.

Thanks for saying that.  

I have always been the "go to" guy in the family (obviously everyone except my father) but I have never sought out help from others. I guess I never wanted to burden others or perhaps it is just that I have been programmed to stay voiceless.

Well the go-to guy isn't supposed to need anything!

I truely wish to make more posts on my issues but if you can believe it I feel like I would be selfish or be seen as a cronic complainer. I do sense that you people are out to help but then again I do have trust issues. I will work on this and try to raise some issues for discussion.

That you take the time to post and open up to others is unselfish. I doubt you'd be seen as a complainer when your suffering is so real.

 

I do sense that people in this forum receive an emotional lift from helping others in their journey. Perhaps some day I will also be able to contribute and help others. I think when I reach that point a corner will have been turned. Untill then keep the posts coing as I am trying to absorb as much as possible.

Anytime you post your story you are helping others in the same predicament. You don't have to be the go-to guy here unless you want to.
 
bunny

[phoenix]

I truely wish to make more posts on my issues but if you can believe it I feel like I would be selfish or be seen as a cronic complainer. I do sense that you people are out to help but then again I do have trust issues. I will work on this and try to raise some issues for discussion.

I wonder how many of us felt the very same thing when we first joined the board? That in itself is a big step in healing, allowing yourself the room to  be heard, and then to  experience being heard. Jump right in, the water is warm.    Phoenix