Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Setting boundaries
Redhead Erin:
The Saga continues.......
The main logistical thing to remember in this story is that I live 1 1/2 hours from NM, EACH way.
We always have Christmas Eve dinner at our house. Then we always go to her house for Christmas.
A few weeks ago I was mad at her for something. I think she wanted to know why I never invite her to my house. THe main reason is, I would have to go get her and take her back, since she now refuses to drive (the world is probably a safer place.) So I made a tactical error in pointing out that I USED to invite her all the time and she would never come. I USED TO invite her every Christmas Eve and she would NEVER, EVER come. Her hsuband even screamed at me for trying to pressure her into going to my house. So I gave up.
The bitch inviterd herself. To MY house. On Christmas Eve.
Ted (who is way too nice for his own good) offered to pick her up, since he had to go to a nearby town to get his Dad from a nursing home, anyway. We assumed his sister would be able to take her home, since she was also taking Dad home. It came out late on the evening of the 23rd that SIL didnt have enough room in her car (which I should have thought of, had I done the math!) and we would have to find a ride home for MOM.
NM calls me on Christmas eve morning to mess with me. She wants to make sure somebody is going to pick her up. She was pissed to find out that it would not be my own dear husband taking her home, but some as-yet-undecided family member. How could we be so mean to her! How could I do this to my own mother on CHRISTMAS!
Then she asked to speak to TEd, so she could try to manipulate him. What a lot of bullshit! Asking to talk to my own husband after I told her no. I told ehr he couldnt come to the phone cuz he was in the shower. It turned out to be true (though I didnt know it at the time. I owuld have said the same thing even if he was standing right next to me!)
I pointed out that for TED to take her both ways would involve 6 hours (300 milies!) in the car, plus another round trip the next day. I said it just was not fair (not to mention environmentally responsible!) for him to take her home, when other family members were going the same way. She just went on and on, about how she wanted ALL of us (including my 10 year old son!) To driver her home, and then we could stop and do something FUN on the way. What the hell would we do that would be "fun" at midnight on Chirstmas eve, especially wehn Santa still needs to go to our house?
Mom, I said, its not fair to Ted.
He would do it if he loved her!
Mom, I said, it will ruin the entire next day for him. He will be so tired!
It should be worth it for family!
Why isn't it good enough that you will be here and you will get home sefely? Why does it have to be US?
I thought we could so something fun on the way home.
Listen, noting is fun if you are tired. Would you rather not come at all?
Fine, I'll be ready...SLAM!
THe thing that struck me as so odd was that she was going to be at our house for the evening, as she said she wanted, but she was unhappy that someone else should drive her home
Ted's cpision took her. As she was leaving, while cousin Cindy was in the bathroom, she says to me..."How well to you know this person?" Well, actaully, she was begging for alms in hte street and we too her in---oh, please!
Ther eis more to this but I have to go to work. Stay tuned....
BonesMS:
It never ceases to amaze me how N's invite themselves to invade others' boundaries with their attitudes of "!@#$ you, ME FIRST"!
Bones
Redhead Erin:
How about that, Bones?! It seem slike no matter what I do for yer, it is never enough. It occurred to me the other day that we should have re-named the old "Never good enough" message board to just "Never enough" because that is how it is with her--I can never do enough, never spend enough time with her, ..you know, just NEVER F'ING ENOUGH! ANd I dont have enough strength and energy to continue dealing with her.
SO anyway, CHristmas day arrives and everyone is over at my moms. It seems strange because family members who were previously really nasty to me are suddenly rather nice. Bro-whatever's MIL was, for a change, pleasant and actually took my dietary needs into account. She even made me a home-made macaroni & cheese, --how nice! (Previous years' concessions to my vegetarian lifestyle included lean cuisine lasagna and frozen pizza!) Nobody treated me like a redheaded stepchild. Hmmmm......
After all the eating and gift opening was done and it was time to go home, (About 7 pm) NM starts to cry. I always know when she is faking it becasue she can't do real tears on demand. Oh, boo-hoo!:cry: Nobody loves her! WHy do we all have to leave?!:cry: Why are we being so mean and horrible to her? Oh, boo-hoo! :cry:
She even told my neice (13 years old!) that she was not going ot lock up her house (AKA FORT SARA) and maybe someone would come in and "get her" because nobody cares about her.
(I call this the "I'll eaT some worms and then I'll die" manuever. see here http://youtu.be/UNftMOuIkUg for explanation and comic relief!)
SIL managed to get me alone for a few minutes. It turns out that NM has been calling ALL her friends (Like, all 3 of them) wanting more stuff, becoming more demanding, and making up more in number and more outrageous things that she wants, things that are medically wrong with her, things that are wrong with her house--and everybody is fed up with her! Apparently she has also been telling people I won't answer my phone or talk to her or something, because SIL said to me, "I can see why you don't answer your phone half the time!"
So it seems that she has been telling everyone (for years) what a bad daughter I am, blah, blah, blah. ANd all her friends have believed her, because she is so adept at making herself look like such a nice person. My entire life I have been getting lectures from near-strangers about how I should be nicer to my mother, because she is so nice and good to me. ANd those people, seeing me through her perception, have taken a dislike to me. No wonder, right? ANd now she is showing her true colors.
I have always known her as a mean, petty, selfish, demanding bitch. For years I have watched in amazement as people would eat out of her hand and come to her rescue while she did her "damsel in distress" routine. For years I have wondered why *I* was the only one who saw her for what she was, or if maybe I was somehow mistaken, because how could everybody else in the whole world be wrong about her?
Now I feel a little vindicated. It feels good. :D
BonesMS:
AMEN! :D
Meh:
(((((((((((((((Heyya Redhead Erin, )))))))))))))))))
I enjoy it when you use the B word to describe your mother. Even though you don't enjoy her and the situation is sad as Nar-people relationships are....well I like your self-hood that comes through when you call her a B.
I call my mom a B also sometimes, so I'm right there with ya.
When I hear you as well expressing that sort of displeasure towards mom dearest well I get a naughty bratty kid smile on my face that I normally never feel.
Yay ! for disobedient daughters!!!!!!
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