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Setting boundaries

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Redhead Erin:
Yeah, I'm stuck taking her cash at the moment because I am trapped in a horrible crippling mortgage.  I am in the process of getting it restructured, and when I do, I can tell her to kiss my ass if I want.  There is another problem in that she is the main connection between my son and my foster-brothers kids, effectively my kid's cousins.  Foster bro and his wife seem to think NM walks on water, and I am not sure how to sever the one relationship without destroying the other.  Oh, well.  I don't have to worry about it now.

Having given this some thought, I am fairly certain I do not want to go out for breakfast with her.  I have worked very hard to go from a size 16 to a size 4 over the last 8 years.  Besides not wanting to get up at the crack of dawn, I furthermore do not wish to consume a greasy, calorie-laden breakfast that is only going to clog my arteries and cling to my ass. 

If I leave the house at 10 am I can get to her by noon, which is plenty of time to go for a light lunch at Panera or Taco Bell (I truly dig their Taco Salad, fresco style!) and still leave for work by 2.  My son can do his homework there (he is homeschooled) and my husband can take her shopping after he gets off work.   She usually pays for whatever groceries I pick out for myself, so I can send hubby with a list.  Then she will take hubby and kiddo out for dinner and they can go home. 

On its surface, this is a pretty good arrangement: She gets to see me, kid gets a free sitter, we get some groceries, and everybody gets fed. It fits nicely into my existing schedule. 

The problem is, every time I see or even talk to her, it sets off a round of uncontrolled binge eating which lasts several days to a week. This is why it took me 8 years to lose 60 pounds.   I just got past the last one, and then she had to go and call me today.  So I ate an entire bag of kettle corn today.

fraidycat:
Erin you sound ready and prepared for your own independence. It's never easy but you sound very strong...ohhh to have the tenacity of a redhead! I know you'll pull through!
Best wishes,

Fraidy

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---The problem is, every time I see or even talk to her, it sets off a round of uncontrolled binge eating which lasts several days to a week. This is why it took me 8 years to lose 60 pounds.   I just got past the last one, and then she had to go and call me today.  So I ate an entire bag of kettle corn today.
--- End quote ---

OK, so... if you are setting a boundary about even deciding when/where you'll interact with her... it's also possible to retrain yourself to set a boundary for yourself: to deliberately, intentionally, consciously choose what you will "console" yourself with, reward yourself, or otherwise use to regain calm & equilibrium of your "normal" space again. And it might give you some insight into why you chose food to extend the damage of Nmom... why this thing instead of something else... via an unconscious (yet almost angrily defiant, in my case) self-harm.

So, it helps to have a plan in place prior to the next interaction. I said helps, because working on this has been an excruciatingly tedious and long struggle for me... but I'm still persisting with it. Just talking on the phone with my mom... I feel as though a whole-body cast is woven right around me, and it shrinks & tightens & squeezes the "me" out of me... I feel as flat as roadkill... and just as "dead"... as if "I" don't even exist to my mom except as an object that exists only for her enjoyment & use... and well, that kind of invalidation hurts so bad, so deeply... that I find I really don't care if I live or die... and just like with a home invasion or sexual assault, I feel violated and "dirty" and all my cells are seeking immediate "cleansing"... relief from the awful feelings... and the normal order of "me" again. Sometimes, I'll grab a bag of chips and read the paper for 2 hours - withdrawing - until the feelings lift or change. Sometimes, I grab my smokes and a beer, right after answering the phone.... sound familiar??? I'm trying to fend off the reflex disgust and anguish of dealing with her... and also put myself in a state where she can't hurt me; protecting & insulating & hiding myself.

At some point, it was pointed out to me or I realized finally... that I was sacrificing me and beating up on myself, over & above the unpleasantness which is the experience of interacting with my mom, for me. Really, I'm not that dumb... but I couldn't deny this is what I was doing. I think perhaps the reasons each person who's found a way to self-harm, does this are pretty similar; it's the details that differ though... chosen method, etc. For me, it was invalidation that triggered this. I am emotionally allergic to being only an "object" to someone - anyone... and rather than insist on being treated as human with feelings... I am deep-down ashamed that I matter so little to my mom (not my fault, I learned), so I slink away (withdraw) and then punish myself for being such a worm & coward.... oh yes, and my worst "sin" is that I NEED so much... I need comfort, validation, guidance and limits on the behaviors I indulge in... which circles right around to the WHY: because my mom didn't supply this... didn't even allow me the recognition of having my own thoughts & feelings separate from hers... and every interaction only reminds me of this "place" in the universe with my name on it.

SIGH... so this is what's called a feedback loop, which is sort of a perpetual process... unless a disruption is inserted, some piece of it changed... it'll merrily keep spinning away and is so slippery, it's hard to get a handle on it. The disruption I used - sort of a compromise for this phase - is at least be aware of what I'm doing to myself... even if I simply accept it and let it be... and then, instead of withdrawing... I deliberately try fill the need that's only been increased from contact with my alien-mom. I pet my animals... play with them... ask for a hug from hubs... getting that validation I need... telling him the worst of my mom's delusions...

and over time, this is working to help me be able to talk to her and not unconsciously "go through the motions" of self-harm; I'm gaining some intentional control over this. It moves at the space of glaciers, it feels like... because my habits go back so many years... but by god, it IS working... I have the concrete evidence. It didn't work at all for me to start by denying myself the bad things. My unconscious response and need was way stronger (and trickier) than the rational part of me. I kept failing... and you know how much that helps, right?? So, I flipped it all around... and left the bad habits alone... and made sure that I focussed on meeting my needs, those deep down emotional needs first, foremost, and especially any time I had to deal with my mom.

This is what's working for me. I reasoned that if the intensity level of my needs were lower... it would be easier to postpone that cigarette... or grab tea instead of beer... If I filled up that "hole" of need I wouldn't be so vulnerable to... nor so scripted as to automatically feel... that invalidation and pain anymore. Took awhile, too and it needs constant maintenance (like brushing your teeth)... and I'm so happy it's working, I'm not even asking the "why does it work" stuff.

Hope this makes sense - maybe trying something like this (customize to your heart's content!) - will work where "strict diets", "rules", etc always cave in for you too.

Redhead Erin:
Well, it SEEMED like it was going to work . . . .

To answer your first question, PR food is my drug of choice b/c it was a huge part of the control struggle that was my childhood and adolescence.  Huge amounts of my time and interaction with my mother had to do with her disgust with female bodies in general and mine in particular, her attempts to control my diet and my weight, and my rebellion binge eating and subsequent body image disorders.  It was ugly, to say the least. 

So we tried to stick to my plan the first week.  At least *I* tried.  Just as I was about to leave for work, she suddenly started having issues with her vision. So like the stripper that I am, I told her I could take her to the eye doctor if she would buy out my night (I only charged her the low end of what I expect to make of a Friday night).  So I took her to the doc, and then we went out for Mexican food.  I left in time to go home and get my stick for my hockey lesson.  So far, so good.

SHE CALLED ME AS SOON AS I GOT TO MY HOUSE. Truly.  I meant to read my kid a story, grab the stick, and get to the rink.  But she had to go and call me and tell me that the electrician had been round to repair something in the living room, and that the refrigerator had also been affected, and that ALL THE FOOD WE HAD JUST BOUGHT WOULD HAVE TO BE THROWN OUT and that I would have to RETURN TO HER HOUSE AND TAKE HER TO BUY MORE FOOD.

Well, we had plans for Saturday, but I needed a sitter for Saturday night, so I told her I would take her Sunday. I sort of figured it in my head that this would be a trade-off for a free short-notice sitter on a prime party weekend.  However, I was not prepared for how difficult this would be.  I can't remember all the particulars now, but she was trying to extract the most attention she could from my family, and I was trying to save my husband from coming over to her house and taking her shopping, which I was unable to do.  (We tend to have a lot of logistical issues that involve one of us starting something and the other finishing it.)  He oculd have been spared a trip and a wasted afternoon if only she would have cooperated, which she would not.

Just let me say, it was ugly. 

Today was another scheduled shopping day.

Before I tell you about it, let me just add that my son's pet mouse died last night, and I already felt like the worlds biggest jerk for not being there for him when he found her. I got only 3 hours of sleep last night and got up early so I could help him bury her. That was the beginning of my day, and it went
downhill form there.

However, I also have cause for a small celebration.  Note my small victories in bold type.

  I planned to go early and take her to get her nails done (I use the same salon which is near her house, and yes, I really have to go to that one) then Ted would pick up Kiddo and take him to pick up all the popcorn ($2250 worth) that he had sold for Cub scouts, and then Ted would take her shopping tomorrow. Sheesh--I never saw so much putzing around in all my life!  Firstr she claimed she didnt ahve any money for the salon I reminded her th check the various envelopes she keeps in her purse.  She had plenty. Lo and behold, as soon as it was time for me to take her home form the salon, she suddenly went blind and had to go to the doc.  So same drill as before.I made sure to tell her I could take her, only if she replaced my income but OMG, what a pain in the a$$ she wanted to be today.  She was mad at me b/c I dropped her off at the doc and then went to get myself some desperately-needed coffee. (Too bad.  I just let her out o fthe car and said, "I'll be back in five minutes!") She picked a fight with me at the eye doc because she wanted me to sit in a different chair than the one I wanted to sit in. I got up and went to sit in the waiting room.  Since I wasn't going to work anyway at that point (and there was no hockey tonight) I told her I would just take her shopping and save Ted the trip tomorrow.  I mentioned to her that she should get enough food for 2 weeks, because it was turning out that we couldn't take her every week as originally planned. This lead to a huge round of manipulation, fakey-fake crying, and assorted other bull-crud. What would she do if she couldn't make it to the sotre every single week?  Have milk delivered and stock up on everything else.  How could I be so mean?   I'm not being mean, I'm just being practical.  And on and on and on. You know how it goes. . . . .

After we left the store, I noticed the time and mentioned that it would be close to 11 pm when I got home.  I was bone-tired, and to make it worse, this is the first day of my period and I ache all over. So I really, really just wanted to go home.   After I had my car loaded with groceries (payment) and was already running and warming up, she wanted me to "sit down and let's talk this over."  Yeah, you know what that means . . . loet her try to talk me into doing things her way. I refused.  I pointed out yet again that I had a long, dark drive and had had very little sleep, and athat I needed to get going before it got any  later.  More tears and finagling.  I had enough.  I pointed out, fairly calmly, htat this is a perfect example of how she really has no regard for me or my time.  I said, the caring response would be, "Erin, I know you have a long drive and you are very tired.  I willl call you later and we can discuss this when you are rested". I told her she was being selfish by wanting me to stay later than I already had,kwhen I might find myself unsafe to drive.  She started trying to tell me that the money she had paid me (for my time, remember, to make up f r not going to work b/c  was too busy kissing her a$$) proved she loved me.  I said, "remember the Beatles?  HTey did a really great song:Money. Can't. Buy. Me. Love.! "   And I walked out.

I called Ted on the way home and cried, just form the stress of it all. I ate more than I would have, left to my own devices, but I did not overeat grotesquely.   I was a little snippy and abrupt, but I did not yell, scream or cuss.  I got my point across with a reasonable amount of assertiveness. I did not get sucked into one single argument.  And I did not give in.

BonesMS:
((((((((((((((((((((((Erin))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Good for you!!!!  You Go, Girl!!!!!

Bones

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