Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Setting boundaries

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Hopalong:
Wow wow wow.

Erin -- you were literally practicing healthy assertiveness with a lot of that.

Find an assertiveness training workshop! You will soar with that healthy technique and never be afraid to deal with her again!

KUDOS. I am really impressed. You sense the healthly direction and sound determined to get there.

Hops

sKePTiKal:
You did REAL GOOD, Erin!! Don't forget to pat yourself on the back, too.

It gets easier with practice and you'll figure out the connection with food, over time, too. I have this theory (nothing to support it, really) that once we find a way to express our anger appropriately at the transgressor of boundaries, with enough practice we stop taking the anger out on ourselves. And then, once we've got new habits about that... we find we have a lot more control over those reflexive bad habits that have been intractable and unchanging, for so long. Those kinds of habits just become ordinary habits that are way more easily changed. I THINK; I'm still working on that one myself.

This just occurred to me to suggest to you. I figure if you decide to try it, you'll be in for a real "campaign" of work with your mom, to implement it. But, it might just be worth that agony. I don't know how old your mom is, but it seems as if she has some legitimate (or at least perceived) needs... for a driver, someone to assist with household tasks & management, etc. And if she's paying you, there's no reason she couldn't pay someone else (except her "need" to irritate you) right? There are plenty of reputable agencies or even individuals who could do that instead of you and your hubby. And they don't have your "buttons"; sometimes they have the training to deal with these frustrating behaviors, too. Or at least experience... and it's not as personal with them.

Maybe right now isn't the "right" timing to try to get mom to accept this idea - for you, that is. I think you said the money is helping out right now? So, stick the idea in a back pocket for later on. Because at some point, in your practice of boundaries you're going to more than likely want to wean mom off calling you for every single thing, and insisting you drop everything - that what you're doing is less important than running at her beck & call. And it could be that mom will begin to resent your setting boundaries and feeling more comfortable expressing your anger & frustration at her... and having someone more neutral to rely on would be more attractive to her. This could enable you to reset the terms of the relationship with mom... and also let you devote more time to your own life and family. It's a possibility anyway; don't know how likely it is. But it would certainly limit how frequently your patience is tested, right??

Anyway, bask in your success for now! That was a huge step.

Redhead Erin:
She used to hire help, but the wife of the couple she hired has some health problems.  They really knew how to supply her NS.  I have seen them in actiion.  I dont know if they were doing it on purpose to keep her business or if it was just the way they are, but they were GOOD!

She also pays her "friends" to take her places, but they have all had enough of her.

She still has a cleaning woman.

I don't think most hired help will kiss her a$$ like I have been.

This morning I was running around like a nut case looking f r things for my photo shoot today (I am an amateur model), which I should have done yesterday, except I was not home.  Ted was sitting on the bed watching me.  And he said the most interesting thing to me:

"You absolutely cannot go over there every week.  You will be a basket case."

Really?  I hadn't noticed!  Honestly, I had considered her "need" to go shopping every week in terms of her grocery requirements, the strain on Ted's time, the interruption  to Kiddo's school schedule, gas expenses, weatr on my car, and so on, but I had never, ever considered the basic fact that being around that woman is dangerous to my own mental health.

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---being around that woman is dangerous to my own mental health.
--- End quote ---


LOL!!! Well, now you know, right? This is what I mean, when I say I'm allergic to my mom!

But on a more serious note: Nmom's N-goal is accomplished if you're not even thinking about what you need... that you have needs, in fact. Sure, she may very well have valid needs for assistance herself... but it doesn't have to be YOU she turns to, does it? She might have to behave herself, if it's someone else, right? Oh boo-hoo... Life can be tough sometimes, when you go out of your way to make people miserable, huh?

You need to memorize these, Erin - post 'em next to the phone too. You wrote 'em:

Erin's rules for engagement:

1.  I need at least a few days notice when making plans.
2.  I need at least 24 hours notice when changing plans.
3.  Plans with NM will not interfere with work or scheduled family time.
4. Plans will always involve agreed-upon financial compensation before I agree to them.
5. I will agree to NOTHING without first hanging up the phone and thinking carefully about it.  I will consider the financial cost, intrusions into my work, family, or rest time, and as many other factors as I can think of before calling back, at me own leisure, with my decision.
6. Her emergencies are not my emergencies. 
7.  I reserve the right to cancel plans if she tries to change the rules at the last minute.
8.  Visits will have a definite and pre-planned end time that will allow me to get wherever I need to go next (even home to bed) without rushing. I must remember to receive my compensation well before this time, and compose myself to leave at the time designated.
9.  I will not lie to her or anyone.  This means I will not have to tell her I love her. 
 

It takes awhile to learn to automatically play by these rules, Erin. Lots of practice. It doesn't happen overnight or with a wave of a magic wand. Each time I've re-engaged with my FOO, I've debated it with myself... whether the situation is as serious; the need that great as depicted... and whether or not they're all adults and tough as it is, will be able to handle their problem without me flying in to the rescue. Each time I've caved... I've gotten screwed... and the "horror of the situation" comes & sits on my shoulder again... and I really wanna kick myself for falling for the same old trick, again.

You could also program: "We won't get fooled again" by the WHO... into your iPod or phone, or whatever. Just know, that because we are caring human beings... trying to always do the right thing by others... we ARE gonna let ourselves re-engage... and it's precisely that which is the problem for me: that our sympathies can argue with our rational experience and win out so that we engage again... and the whole awful boring same old script starts to wind up again.  The times I've said no and chose not to engage - guess what?? the world didn't end, there was no catastrophe, and somehow these people who claimed they couldn't go on without my help DID - just fine.

And I didn't end up a basket case, either. (I almost always do, when I engage - not calm at all!  ;)  ). 

Redhead Erin:
My son asked me why the call it a "basket case" and not something else.  Good question!

I still keep in touch (and occasionally go drinking with) my second-ever boyfriend, who is something like 10 years older than I am. He knew me at the time I was still living at home, trying to get clear of NM and bro-whatever (psycho nutso first BF turned "family friend").  We like to hang out together because neither of us knows anybody who is more messed up than we are, and sometimes its nice not to be the most damaged person in the room. It's extremely validating to hear him say in his very calm, analytical, college-professor voice, that of all the people he has ever known, which includes some very certifiably institutionalized mentally ill individuals, that he has never known anybody who had a more messed up relationship with thier mother, or anybody who had, a weirder person for a mother than I had.

If you knew Bob, you would know that's sayin' something!

It makes me feel better to know that there is somebody else, not just me and Ted, who is personally inconvenienced by NM's bull-crud, who really thinks she is crazy.  Bob says he called it the first time he met her.  He also seems to think the situation is way worse than I realize, apparently because I am too close to it. That is sort of scary to think of, too. Not sure which is worse--that I don't see the situation for what it might really be, or that it might be even worse than it seems!

Well, the decision is made, at least for this week.  Ted has forbidden me to take her shopping. (He isnt the kind of man to "forbid" me to do things, and I really believe he is right about this, so I am not arguing when he says "Don't you dare take her this week--it will only make her think she is winning!'")  He thinks, (rightly so, I s'pose) that if we give in now, it will only encourage her.  I agree. 

I am also training my son when she calls to say, "Mom can't talk right now, can I have her call you back?"  Its one more barrier I can put up. 

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