Hello to everyone. I just found this message board, and I feel like I've come home. Your stories are my stories. Where do I begin?
Like some of you, I'm an only child. For most of my life, I thought I had a pretty good relationship with my parents, except for the fact that they weren't crazy about my husband. We lived in the same town, and my three children grew up with my parents spending every holiday and birthday and many other events among our family.
I'll jump way ahead and tell you I've been in therapy for 3 years. I got to the point where the pain I carried around inside just about overwhelmed me. But I didn't understand what was going on. It was in therapy that I discovered my mohter is an N. The therapist says my husband is the most kind, caring man she's ever met aside from her own husband. My friends adore my husband. He's wonderful to me and our children, who love him dearly. But under all her pretense, my mother has always hated him. I can see that now. I can also she how she insidiously wormed her way into our marriage, subtly undermining it every chance she got, in every way she could.
My parents weer recently in a car accident, and never was my mother's N nature more apparent. By then I knew what was going on. Although she hadn't eaten, literally, in two weeks, and was too weak to stand, she insisted on coming home against doctor's orders, to be cared for by my father, who had numerous major injuriesof his own. My husband and I sided with the doctor who said mom should go to a rehab. Well, that blew the lid off everything. The jig was up and my mother used that as an excuse to unleash allthe hatred she'd held in check for 30 years.
My mother has been so very rude to my husband, I can't begin to tell you all the ways she's tried to say and do hurtful lthings. Telling me my husband he was upset she didn't die, and that he turned me against them, and that I have no mind of my own, that he has no frineds, that she trusts me but not him. That's just the tip of the iceberg of what's been 2 years of searing pain. Ignoring him in public, ignoring the death of his father, his aunt. Ignoring his birthdays. He's dead to her. She has nothing but the most intense hatred I've ever seen. Narcissistic rage.
I should tell you my husband is well thought of not only in our family, but in our community and in his workplace. He's a bright, successful man who's everyting she ever told me she wanted for me. In fact, therein lies the problem. We have a wonderful marriage, despite her, which we've worked hard to maintain. I have three great kids. We have a beautiful home, and I dont have to work if I don't want to. In other words, I have the life she always wanted herself, and programmed me to attain, and when I did she got jealous. And we all know Envy is not something an N can entertain, so they turn it into hatred. (anybody read Why Is It Always ABout You?)?
My father was raised by a N himself, so he's been well trained. He can't remember his last original thought. So he has gone right along with my mother. Despite my numerous attempts at honesty with him , he is not willing to rock the boat. So he. too, has turned away, even from my kids, his grandchildren! These are two people who told me I was their world, and they'd never NOT be there for me, and that we were a team. (yes, I know that "club" budsinessis dysfunctional, bu tneverthelss I beleived waht they said, that they were a constant in my life no matter what). But I've learned that people who truly love you love you "no" as well as your "yes". They love you when you act in acordance with their expectations, but they also love you when you don't.
I should tell you that before the accident that brought about this rift, I had two occasions when I emotionally bled in front of my parents, telling them that their relationship with my husband was breaking my heart. I stood my ground, knees shakng, but I stood! My mother was completley unmoved, and blamed everything on "him". But at least I know I gave confrontation two tries with the two of them, and at least 4 with my father alone. BTW, that "awful" husband of mine paid for part of their mortgage every month until this rift, so they could have a townhouse with a master suite on the first floor for my mother.
ALthough my marriage is in a stronger, better place, my parents have put me in a place where I've had to choose, them or my husband. My therapist says, stay in touch so that when they die you can say you've done all you could. They make absolutely no attempt to contact any of us, so the burden of the work is all on me. Despite their antics, my husand is willing to do whatever I need to do, and he's always gracious to them.
I have left so much of this story out. I hope the crux of it is clear. Has anyone had an N parent try to break up their marriage? Does anybody still feel like it's their fault, even when they do all they can do and get slapped in the face? ON a good day I can say they've made their bed and they can lie in it. On a bad day, they're still my elderly, physically ill parents (wasting away and ignored, mom says), and I care about them. That's the whole issue. They have no one else. As my parents, after all, I love them still, but when I get close, they slap me EVERY time.
Thanks so much for listening. I'm sorry I ranted on and on. It feels so good! I look forward to hearing what you all have to say.
Stillstanding
