Sick father etc.

[Meh]

My nar-mother and alcoholic brother have been pestering me to contact my father who is very sick according to my brother. I haven't talked with him for at least ten years probably. So I finally asked my brother via phone message and email for my father's contact information because I don't have it. And my brother doesn't appear to be answering his home phone or his cell phone. I've got to wonder if this isn't some of his bullshit that after both of them nagging me (meanly, and callously)..then my brother will not provide the phone number.

I don't really know if this is what is happening but it's something that he would do.

I don't want to reopen contact with my father or brother. I just want to know that if he is dying that he is getting some sort of assistance. He is living in an apartment by himself near to my brother and my brother says he weighs 80 pounds and is refusing medical assistance. I don't know if I should try to contact the local hospice there where he lives. I really don't know what services are available to people when they are very sick and have very little money.

I'm stressed somehow both my brother and father have always been sources of stress and not much else. I feel that contacting my brother and father is the wrong thing to do for me. I also feel that doing nothing is not right. I also can not do much even if I wanted because of my personal situation and the emotional burden is too much. I'm afraid I'm going to be parentified, wifeified, nurseified, doctorified, garbage-canned. I don't know how to spell those things but you get the drift.

My father has never been a well-rounded person and I don't really know what is wrong with him. He never did take very good care of himself. I feel angry that he has been so stubborn and unwilling to reach out for help himself in his community, he has never been the sort of person to do that.

This morning I was planning to get out of bed and go to an orientation about getting low-income grief counseling for myself. Idiotically they only have this orientation once a week and I didn't get up to go to it (can't make an appointment without going to the orientation). Partially I don't want to explain it all to another counselor that doesn't "get it". They won't get how my Nar-mother adds to the grief. They won't get that I don't feel like I "love" my father, they will insist that I should and then I wonder if I'm a bad person. They just won't get it.

I'm sure I will eventually try to go to a counselor for myself soon because it just feels like too much. I hate the idea of speaking to my brother and father.

In an email, I asked my brother if he took my father to a social worker, If he is getting social security. I would like to know those things are being arranged for him but beyond that I can't speak to him every day or be a nurse for him while he is dying. I don't really know what they expect from me.

If my father is facing death, I know that not even in this serious situation will the dysfunction have a hiatus, instead it's only going to intensify from all sides. My b*tch of a mother and my alcoholic brother will only show their worst sides. I feel hateful.

Any thoughts?

The only peace of mind that I have is that none of these people know for sure exactly where I live. So they can't literally show up at my door step.

I don't think I really explained what I wanted to explain but I'm in a public place, my lap top isnt working right now. I hope I will get a chance to write more in the future.

[Guest]

You don't want to contact your brother and father - so don't do it and don't worry about not doing it. They haven't cared about you, you owe them zero. Your father will live and die as he wants to and he has that right. People have the right to make asses of themselves. It's not our problem. I'm sorry that you're angry about him and that seems normal.

Do whatever you want to do, but put yourself first. Nobody else is going to do that for you.

I'm sorry. I think from what you say you are looking after yourself better if you stay away from these people and don't call or email any more. Doing that for yourself would be a good move. It is not doing nothing; it's protecting yourself. That's your top priority.

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Boat - I've been wondering how you're doing and hoping you were OK! I'm glad to hear from you, no matter what kind of news it is.

The grief counseling sounds like a good idea, if the logistics come together. There is more than one kind of grief, and I think you may be faced with trying to untangle the jumbled ball of it, into separate "colors" so it becomes a process with individual steps instead of a massive undertaking. It really helps to have help doing this; sometimes we're just too close to it, you know? I think it's possible that a grief counselor is the best choice for you (better than previous experience), and is most likely to understand what you're facing - without judging or "shoulds" - and that it would be nutz for you to love that so-called family of yours. I'm hoping this works out for you.

I understand your reluctance and anxiety about "what could happen" by contacting your brother and being involved w/them at any level. Makes a lot of sense to me, too! You have done what you can; you asked. Would anyone else know? Would you go so far, as to try to sleuth this info out? In this situation, it appears that you've done all you can and all you're being "allowed" to do, to express your concerns in your own way. Try not to shift responsibility for "doing something" from those who aren't responding to you, to yourself.

It's a tough, emotional situation. Talking it through, venting, trying to make sense of things helps me and you express yourself so well maybe it'll work for you too. What's wrong with your laptop? Maybe I could help at least identify that problem, even if I can't fix it at such a distance.

(((((((((((((Boat))))))))))))))

[Meh]

Well, I did contact both of them-brother to get father's phone number and father. And yes it's the same ol' bullshit except now he is sick.

I don't have much to write at the moment. It's never really warm or fun with my relatives it's stress and guilt and sadness.

[Meh]

You don't want to contact your brother and father - so don't do it and don't worry about not doing it. They haven't cared about you, you owe them zero. Your father will live and die as he wants to and he has that right. People have the right to make asses of themselves. It's not our problem. I'm sorry that you're angry about him and that seems normal.

Do whatever you want to do, but put yourself first. Nobody else is going to do that for you.

I'm sorry. I think from what you say you are looking after yourself better if you stay away from these people and don't call or email any more. Doing that for yourself would be a good move. It is not doing nothing; it's protecting yourself. That's your top priority.

Yes, I pretty much agree.

[Meh]

Thanks PR,

Yes, I think grief counseling might be a good thing for me. I asked my brother for my father's address and when his next medical appointment is but my brother isn't emailing that information to me even though all he does all day is sit around he's on disability.


~~When I try to open a word document the whole computer freezes. So I restored it to a previous date (not sure what this is called). That only removed the new virus software. So I need to get rid of the old virus software now and reinstall the new virus software. Anyways I thought I would try to reset the whole thing to "factory settings".  I get an error message when I try to uninstall the old software says "finish the install in progress" but the install in progress won't finish because of the old software.

I'm not sure if I have explained it well. 
I'm sort of tired.

[sKePTiKal]

Well, Boat... thanks for describing what you tried, so well! Sounds like you're really tired (and maybe frustrated too?) Here's what I know...

once you've gone so far as to reset to the factory defaults, you're probably going to need the original operating system CDs. Some companies will call these system restore disks. IF you don't have these, all is not lost as far as getting the computer up & running again. But it's not something I can help you with. You'll need to contact the company's tech support division - online, phone - and get their assistance. You may have to send them the laptop, in some cases. [Tech support is getting lots better than it used to be in my experience. I used to avoid them like the plague; and even got myself in the same situation you're in recently with my Kindle. Could've saved myself a ton of agony, if I'd called tech support sooner.]

OR, if you know someone who's heavily into computers, they may be able to help you out with the operating system. There is kinda an underground network of people who "know people"... and a lot of tech people do favors for people. Just be sure the person you're trusting with the machine is really as skilled as advertised.

Your files, however are another story. Factory default is the fresh out-of-the-box version of your computer and all your personalization and customizations have been wiped out. Hopefully, you have a jump (thumb) drive or CD backup of your important files that you can copy back, once you're back in business. Additionally, you'll need to re-install all applications.

Not much help, was I? I'm sorry.      Resetting the defaults is kind of a point of no return, and I was hoping you'd not gone that far yet. If it's any comfort, that's exactly what I did to my Kindle... it's a logical step when you've tried everything else, right? Taking your computer back in time is called a system restore. It was the right thing to try, too. And then, you probably should've walked away from it and done something else for awhile; come back refreshed to go on from there. You would've avoided what I call the tech-death-spiral; it's what happens when each problem-solving possibility only adds more layers of complexity to the problem, more choices and the human involved gets more & more desperate and upset - and we know we make questionable decisions in that state, right? I know this spiral well, having been there enough times myself.

For the original problem - with Word - I'd have suggested uninstalling it and then re-installing it. Just Word; nothing else. I've seen this application just "puke" for no real reason (that's tech jargon)... and this is the fastest, easiest and least complicated and least harmful thing to try, to clear the problem, first. It works about 90% of the time.

Arrrgggh! I really wish I could've come up with the solution for you. Sounds like you need a bright spot about now, and having your 'puter working is like a lifeline for some of us, I know. I'll keep my fingers crossed that a fix is forthcoming, in short order, for you. At least, I KNOW your computer can be fixed easily, it's just a matter of access to the disks... unlike our FOOs. Hang in there, hon...

[Meh]

Yeah! That's what I'm afraid of. The lap top was given to me, I didn't purchase it so I don't know if there are CDs needed..and if there are well, I don't have them. There is no more warranty so I can't call them.

C'EST LA VIE!!!!

Yeah, the tech death spiral HAAA! Ha!


Phoenix: (((((Thank you)))))

Well I was told that this lap-top it's an Lenovo has everything permanently installed on it in a protected part of the machine and there are no disks to reinstall stuff or something like that...

[sKePTiKal]

AH! There is a god of computers, after all!       

A local geeky sort, may be able to help. Our Uni-provided laptops were set up like that, also. It was a sort of fail-safe. Perhaps the system files are stored under another drive letter... or a partition - which is many times hidden from the avg. user... then all you'd have to do is point the computer to look for the files there.

Lenovos also had a lot of helpful techie stuff accessible right from the desktop; info & tips and links to more techical specs/how-tos than the average mortal ever needs. I'll bet - from another computer - you could access that kind of stuff and maybe even live tech support or a troubleshooting discussion from their website.

[Hopalong]

Hi Boat,

Would it help you to have a quiet visit to your father, without brother or anyone else knowing you're dropping by?

Just so it won't haint you later?

Or if it's better for you to keep that door closed, then I vote you feel good and confident that it's okay for you to decide that, too.

Supportively, no matter which way you go...

Hops

[Meh]

Did the factory restore on my lap top and got the virus-protection stuff loaded again. Lost the Word program functionality, Oh well at least I can connect to my email again.

I went to the grief group therapy session, it was in a small stuffy room and I thought I might start having a panic attack because my throat felt tight and sort of like "oh god maybe I can't breathe in here"... It wasn't as lame as I was anticipating though. So far it's okay.

I'm going to be babysitting my mother's neurotic poodle, something I'm not looking forward to except for the fact that it will be a break from spending time with my schizophrenic roommate who forgets to take her medication.

Hum, what a toss up, spend a couple of nights at nar-mother's house where I am otherwise unwelcome because her poor poodle can't be left alone while she is at work or...spend time with a person who says she is from the stars and is putting everyone on edge with her unpredictable weirdness and anger. All of the kitchen knives have been removed by staff because this person had previously put a knife on top of a door-jam. Really this is suppose to be some kind of place for semi-functional people. There was some kind of mental health specialist who came by twice last week to talk to her and I think he was encourageing her to willingly go to another type of place better suited for CRAZY!.  Fingers crossed that she will flip out on a staff person...she will be gone at that point.

[Meh]

I feel like I'm always complaining or something on here. So I guess the more positive things are that I have been going on a lot of walks under the yellow and orange fall trees and have been enjoying that little bit of freedom and really fresh air.

I managed to stare at some construction workers for a while when I was taking a break having lunch.

I have been doing more yoga which is probably helping me to stay calm-ish. Have listened to music, sang while cooking breakfast.

[Meh]

Hi Boat,
Would it help you to have a quiet visit to your father, without brother or anyone else knowing you're dropping by?
Just so it won't haint you later?
Or if it's better for you to keep that door closed, then I vote you feel good and confident that it's okay for you to decide that, too.
Supportively, no matter which way you go...
Hops

Thanks Hops but now that I have initiated contact with brother and father I just want out of it. Released from the reigns. It's hard for some people to understand, I do experience emotional attachment around my father but not love. Or if it is a form of love it is a strange love. I'm not going to visit him it won't do anything for me. I haven't been particularly warm to him since I have talked to him, I have basically nagged him in a business-like way to follow-up with his doctors and case managers and I think maybe they get the idea that I'm not

[Meh]

...not some kind of soft bosom that is going to wipe their snotty noses for them....  see my brother and father they don't have mommies or wives... AND I AM NOT WANTING TO DO THAT FOR THEM.

I'm working pretty hard on not being invisible to myself and having my own life.

I told my brother to consider taking my father to some kind of support group or to church. Oddly enough my brother said he would take him to church because my nephews like doing that I guess....?? Who knows.

My father was trying to initiate more conversation with me but I pretty much shut him down and kept if focused on nagging him to do his stuff. That is where I am at with it, do your stuff Dad and I will do my stuff...and don't you dare lay your stuff on me!...The conversations get into this crap about how I'm going to fail at everything I do and life is horrible....and I already know life is horrible he doesnt need to tell me    
Part of me puts the middle finger up at him. I'm angry and resentful and that is not going to go away I don't want to make peace with it.

[Hopalong]

I hear you, Boat...and bravo for this:

I'm working pretty hard on not being invisible to myself and having my own life.

You just can't step into rescuing Cinderella-caregiver mode, you've got to care for yourself.

Hops