Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
The "Mama Never Told Me" Thread
Meh:
Hey...Phoenix: No, it's not just you, seems that it is at least both true for me and Bones also so that is at least three of us. Aspergers would make it even more confusing in Bones case..
I'm a little surprised that this comes up for you Phoenix, for some reason I would think that being married really difuses this stuff especially since he has stayed around.
What is this circus show thing for you? I mean does intimacy or romance or even love or whatever..put us into these hazes of psychological tornado storms? That's what it feels and sounds like to me. Really with all of the problems that we collectively have on this board maybe the significant other etc. is the event that causes the perfect storm in our own beings? Now that I am writing this out and reading what you have written it's becoming a little more clear to me how much emotional chaos there is around this area.
For me it is all of a sudden there is attention on me and sometimes it's like a strange overwhelming attention like I am all of a sudden so self aware..and I think it's also the feeling of being unlovable. Then also maybe not having the great interpersonal skills to play or flirt back. I think that is the combo for me and shame also. I feel shame when people flirt with me I think. But also since it doesn't happen that often or it's not a way of life for me I am also stunned by it. It's not really suppose to be that hard, for some people it is just a simple uncomplicated thing I think. I guess in someways like you when you say "untangle" I think I do have a desire for some life experiences to be more smooth, there is a need for ease in there somewhere so that little things are not these like psychodrama events. Really I am always slightly hiding in my mind...and when someone starts to flirt metaphorically it's like being a fish under a beach rock that has just been turned over...there is like an uncomfortable feeling of being seen and wanting to emotionally hide maybe. I'm not really totally sure. For me there is also a lot of fear because I have confusion over what version of MY SELF are they seeing. I feel like I have good versions and bad versions of SELF and I have anxiety that the person is going to see this bad version of SELF.
Have you ever noticed that some mothers basically flirt a lot with their children. I don't mean in a sexual wrong way or anything. I'm thinking of an old friend who just absolutely adored children and the best way I could describe the way she interacted with them was flirtation?
Meh:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on November 24, 2011, 02:16:20 PM ---I never could figure out the flirting stuff. Most likely because of my Aspergers. I tend to ask off-the-wall questions when I find myself dealing with unfamiliar territory so I just gave up on that department. Now if you ask me about my favorite topics i.e. Star Trek or genealogy, I'll keep talking until people's eyes glaze over long before I realize I've done another faux pas. (If you've ever watched "BONES" or "The Big Bang Theory", you'll see some of my many quirks there.)
Bones
--- End quote ---
So you ask off the wall questions as an attempt to flirt? For example?
(That is better then me, I keep my mouth shut and usually don't say anything and stare at them with an incredulous look)
Do you think that asking the right questions is important in flirting? Some people can just flirt from across a room. I have a nephew who is a total flirt, isn't it funny how some little kids are flirty and it is a totally innocent thing? It makes me wonder what exactly flirting is. If it's something that children do then I don't think it has to be like this highly sexualized thing, I think maybe like Phoenix pointed out maybe it is more a qualty of playfulness.
I once was on a road trip with someone who had Aspergers, he was super smart working on finishing his PhD in Physics. I never picked up on his Aspergers but other people around him did seem to notice and were not sure what to think about him.
teartracks:
Well my measure of how clean the floor (linoleum) should be after finishing mopping (a string mop) was that it should be clean enough to dry the dishes with once you're finished mopping. If not, start over. I never used the mop to dry the dishes, bult the goal was that it end up being clean enough that one could.
I have a different house now and I can never reach that goal. I get it as clean as I can using my old method (two to three tiny drops of dish detergent to a pail of water), but the mop couldn't be used to dry the dishes afterwards. This house has different dirt around it, more ways for dirt to get into it, plus my husband must wear his shoes in and out the house because of medical problem with right leg. So I've learned to redefine what constitutes clean. I mop and rinse, mop and rinse then take the head off my mop and put it through the washer. That makes it clean enough to dry the dishes but the minute I mop the floor the dream is lost. Flexible - we must be flexible.
tt
Meh:
The other thing about flirting is that I NEVER initiate it EVER. It never occurs to me to actually PICK someone out and then flirt with them. Sort of bugs me in a weird way that other people are okay with picking me to flirt with because sometimes I really don't want to be flirted with by some people--but I feel like I can't initiate a flirt myself. It's a pretty passive role to not pick the person you will flirt with. Often the men that do flirt with me are older then I approve of but not always. I had a paramedic flirt with me a while ago and it was in a grocery store, I was dressed sort of nice because I was going to a volunteer thing and it's an excuse to get a little dolled up. I sort of guess that if someone flirts with me it should be a little more secret and clandestine. In a grocery store I feel like looking around and seeing what other people around me think and that is exactly what is going though my head...."What are bystanders thinking" My psyche expects that there is a disapproving bystander that says "You can't do that"....Or maybe that is the part of me that controls and monitors everything.
So I guess on top of the above feeling of shame etc. I also feel like I am being judged. But maybe that doesnt really exist. Maybe I am not being judged in the way that I imagine I am. I don't know.
I feel like I am not allowed to.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Boat that Rocks on November 24, 2011, 04:14:28 PM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on November 24, 2011, 02:16:20 PM ---I never could figure out the flirting stuff. Most likely because of my Aspergers. I tend to ask off-the-wall questions when I find myself dealing with unfamiliar territory so I just gave up on that department. Now if you ask me about my favorite topics i.e. Star Trek or genealogy, I'll keep talking until people's eyes glaze over long before I realize I've done another faux pas. (If you've ever watched "BONES" or "The Big Bang Theory", you'll see some of my many quirks there.)
Bones
--- End quote ---
So you ask off the wall questions as an attempt to flirt? For example?
(That is better then me, I keep my mouth shut and usually don't say anything and stare at them with an incredulous look)
Do you think that asking the right questions is important in flirting? Some people can just flirt from across a room. I have a nephew who is a total flirt, isn't it funny how some little kids are flirty and it is a totally innocent thing? It makes me wonder what exactly flirting is. If it's something that children do then I don't think it has to be like this highly sexualized thing, I think maybe like Phoenix pointed out maybe it is more a qualty of playfulness.
I once was on a road trip with someone who had Aspergers, he was super smart working on finishing his PhD in Physics. I never picked up on his Aspergers but other people around him did seem to notice and were not sure what to think about him.
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Boat.
The questions I tend to ask aren't considered flirty. One time, a guy tried some pick-up line on me, (can't remember exactly what he said), and I got confused. I simply blurted, "Why are you asking me? There are better looking women than me around here!" I just didn't understand what he was trying to do. :? (I didn't know about Aspergers back then.)
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