Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
The "Mama Never Told Me" Thread
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: nolongeraslave on November 27, 2011, 01:49:49 PM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on November 27, 2011, 11:51:26 AM ---
--- Quote from: nolongeraslave on November 27, 2011, 10:15:52 AM ---Bones, my feelings exactly. There's no use obviously arguing with people online, but these men came off as having no clear concept of boundaries. What's telling about a person is when they say "Suck it up and act like an adult."
Sorry buddy, but sucking it up is why people get health problems, pent-up anger, relationship problems, insomnia, etc. Expressing your feelings, including your negative experiences,
In any case, my friend on fb e-mailed me back and said I looked fine. I explained to her why I was obsessing over her comment. I don't think she meant anything bad. People can be impulsive with their statements. I've done it before too.
--- End quote ---
I guess what would be more telling is how your "friend" on fb would respond to your latest comment. Let's wait and see.......
Bones
--- End quote ---
Sorry Bones, but I meant that she said "You look fine" in response to my e-mail.
I'm sure there are women that don't mind those comments, but we all have a right to our own personal boundaries. My therapist did give me useful advice to not talk about my weight with others, which can invite unwanted comments. If I don't want people talking about my weight, I shouldn't either.
I'm saying so here because I trust this forum.
--- End quote ---
Okay, I understand better now.
Bones
Hopalong:
Tough one, because recognizing when you ARE a victim is, I believe, Step #1 in the awakening that can help one start to be one's own advocate and not accept abuse any more.
But maybe it's when the awakening never leads to getting out of bed.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-experience/200909/dont-play-the-victim-game
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_playing
Hops
sKePTiKal:
NLS - a couple thoughts that might apply -
1.) Some men are totally freaked out by strong, outspoken women; they'll either run away or think they can "conquer" you... and one way they'll attempt this is verbally - with their "observations" of you. In the online environment, especially, I wouldn't credit much insight or validity to these kinds of statements. They don't know; they weren't there; they don't know you IRL. Don't mistake their comments for "authoritative" or "expert" opinions. Feedback's great, when it comes from someone who knows you well. Not so, from the average passer-by...
2.) Hey - for all you know - they have their own issues and are just trying to stick it on you, instead!! Emotional abuse is more pervasive in society than anyone can statistically measure... if your outspokenness about your experiences made them feel uncomfortable... some people will try to turn it around on you, so they can continue believing it didn't happen to (or was engaged in by) themselves.
KayZee:
--- Quote ---playing the victim to justify their abusive actions.
--- End quote ---
That sounds about right to me. I think people who quote-unquote "play the victim" dredge up their past misfortunes/traumas any time they need an easy excuse, something that will keep them from being held accountable for their actions. (My NM is great at "playing the victim." She melts into a weepy mess and/or trots out her Dickensian childhood in the very rare moments when people see through her and try to call her bluff.)
--- Quote ---Are we playing victim?
--- End quote ---
I think it's safe to say everyone on this forum is mining their past in an effort to change, heal, be better/happier/more mature/more productive people. And that's about the farthest thing there is from "playing the victim." It's the real deal. It's growth.
lots of love, Kay
sKePTiKal:
OK - new question!
I have just now realized that I don't have any kind of internal "scheduling" clock... you know the kind where a parent teaches you to wake up, do x, y, and z... as part of your care... which later becomes self-care? When I was working there was the external schedule imposed by my job... and I didn't have to think about it. If I needed time for myself... it was carved out before or after work... regardless of hubs' being "lonely" or hungry or whatever.
So now. This early retiree has luxuriated in being able to spend hours here babbling my nonsense, in the morning... coffee... jammies... and this week one day I realize I came up for air from the computer and it was NOON. I'm usually half-way conscious by 7 at least. We've been eating when we're hungry... or I've been letting hubs "drive" the schedule... and I fill in the space in-between with whatever I feel like.
What I need to know - because there's only so many hours in a day - is what's kinda "normal" for...
how long from the time you open your eyes... until your brain kicks into gear and getting on with your morning? (tt... you're excused! ;) )
how long is it till you - if you do - eat breakfast?
How long till you dress?
Do you walk in the morning? If so, does that mean you get up earlier? how much earlier? Before or after breakfast? What about exercising in the pm? Does that conflict with social life?
Do you eat at specified times of the day - or within an hour of that time - each day... or does that vary?
Do you eat just whatever is handy? or do you plan meals for the week... or at least a few days?
What do you do about the inevitable "monkey wrenches" that life throws into your schedule?
I'm kinda feeling like I have to re-invent the wheel of "how to live" here... because without external schedules and that obligation and commitment... I'm starting to be a bit "floaty"... not really grounded. I knew I really NEEDED that kind of freedom for awhile; I've had it in the past... and these questions simply didn't come up... because I used the time journalling, healing, adjusting to the major life changes I was going through... and busting my butt like a longshoreman, to move... along with being project manager, foreman, and critter wrangler.
Anyway, I realized I don't have clue one what's "normal"... if one's schedule isn't determined by kids, schools, work... or even if "normal" doesn't apply.
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