Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
The "Mama Never Told Me" Thread
Meh:
Really?
Everybody just works these things out according to their schedule and their needs. Blood sugar, metabolism, sleep cycles...and whatcha want to do before you croak.
I think some of us get going before our brains kick in because we must.
What do you want to do with your retirement time?
Hopalong:
I think that would be too painful to analyse at the moment , for me...
retirement looks to be at least 14 years away and I'm so tired.
Hops
sKePTiKal:
I don't know Star.
I have run a lot of possibilities through my head - I could get up, have my coffee, exercise for 3 hours if I wanted to. I could eat a yogurt and go walk 3 miles. I could join a gym. I could start working on all the things on that eternal to-do list, that just get more stuff added on it. I CAN do anything I WANT to do... except... my mindset and how I feel every morning, is that I can't.
So I don't. I come here and try to be useful, or funny or connect with people instead. Hubs doesn't mess with my "morning time"; he got used to that when I was journaling during therapy.
I don't even know for sure what it is my body needs in the way of morning routine. A pot of coffee and free rein on cigarettes while doing nothing except letting my mind wander... heap on tasks on the to-do list... keeps pushing me back to trying to figure out "what's wrong with me"... and trying to fix that.
I don't choose when I'm faced with all those options. I don't crave anything in particular to eat in the morning; I am not hungry until noon or 1 - I haven't eaten breakfast since I was 12. But this is a must, according to diet experts if I want to lose 20 lbs. And I need to lose the weight and get my body moving again... all this sitting around with hubs -- my body is complaining like crazy! It just doesn't feel good. Hubs is another thing - but when I'm ready to get that bit out of my head - I'll put it over on the relationship thread.
teartracks:
Hi PR,
I so relate to the morning 'thing'. I posted six months or so ago about my mornings, half asleep (and I really can't figure out which part, mind or body, is partially awake), and wasted. But the part of your post that got my attention is that you are not hungry when you wake up. I'm not either. I get hungry about 3 p.m., and even then it's not hunger that makes me eat, it's just that I run out of juice, become lightheaded and weird. Years ago, I started to eat a very small breakfast, maybe 3 crackers with cheese melted over them with 1 sweet cup of coffee. At some point, I understood the ritual was the attractive part of it. It isn't as if nibbling cheesed up water crackers and sweet coffee could be called breakfast. So that's how I consciously got introduced to personal rituals and how important and enjoyable they can be a person's day. My sleep has improved tremendously with medication (very low dose of Wellbutrin combined with Lyrica of all things), but still morning for me is not 7:30 a.m., it's whenever I get up. Sometimes my morning starts at 12 noon. Whatever time it is, early or late, I start my day with that tiny bit of food and 1 cup of coffee. I used to journal a lot during that time. My new life being married, living in a different house with a man who hits the floor running and talking put a monkey wrench in the journalizing. I'm still trying to find that special, quiet spot that will inspire more journaling and meditation. DH has gotten used to and doesn't complain about the hours I sleep or that I'm out of it when I get up. Anyway, all this to ask, have you any enjoyable rituals? I like mine.
tt
PS exercise (it has only been two weeks), has made a tremendous difference in how I feel and move.
A diet for me is not to bring carbs and sugar into the house. If I don't see 'em, I don't eat 'em! actually, my preference red meat and lots of green veggies. I think that's one good thing (well, I think it's good) I brought from the farm. dietitians wouldn't agree with the red meat thing.
sKePTiKal:
Thanks so much, tt - "personal rituals" is a better way for me to think about things like this than trying to suss out something that fits me, from the plethora of recommendations and advice out there. And it has an aura of self-caring about it that I need, versus the "its for your own good" aura of no-excuses, no-exceptions, "you'll do this because I said so" regimen. I'm thinking about journalling again, too. Whether it's the bug that laid me low, or the current hubs confusion-consternation, or SAD or whatever... I'm "going through" something I don't quite understand... and it isn't easy to pin down, either. I'd register pretty high on a scale of depression, I guess. But it's temporary.
Re: chicken vs red meat - I eat way more red meat (lean) than chicken because chicken gives me such intestinal distress. And with all the back/forth on what foods are good to eat or not... I figure it won't be long before chicken goes on the bad list. A diet to me, is lots of whole grain & veggies... even meatless meals. Not ready to tackle that yet with my meat & potatos & two sides & dessert hubs... he SAYS he will eat more variety and veggies... until I serve it, that is. Maybe I'll pull out my Alice Waters cookbook to read; I'm a big fan of simple, fresh food and not cooking the "good" out of it.
(((((((((HOPSY))))))))))
I understand, really I do. That's why I leaped at what seemed a 1x opportunity. It's more challenging that I anticipated... re-inventing myself and what my life is and consists of... after 50. It's the quieter times that are the hardest.
Star... I need to explain better; lately I haven't been making sense to myself so it's no wonder I'm not communicating what I want to say. The habits I have... are the ones that were imposed on me - by obligations of school/work, back through to the original dealing with, reacting to, & surviving my FOO. Those habits - like breakfast and morning routine - are SO entrenched in that emotional cesspool that every foray I've made to try something different, has failed... to the point where I regularly just say F it... and don't even think about trying or wanting to change anything. And the cycle just rolls around.... I want to change things now, again.
There is some "flushing" happening with ole emotional cesspool lately... along with some rather volatile & ouchy over-sensitivity to things in the here & now... and some new ideas I've been digesting... and some "seeing my way clear" to proceed. So, where I am now... I'm seeing those "Mama never told me" things more clearly. Morning routines, in particular are something I never had a chance to design for myself... because back then, I was "doing" for everyone else, holding down responsibilities for my bro & at school... and any "need" I had - well, it had to wait or didn't exist. There was never coffee in our house, after my Dad was gone - so I smoked instead for the instant, brain-waking rush of nicotine. I needed the rush - because like tt, it took me forever to wake up. Only in my case: I didn't sleep well because of anxiety & hypervigilance & nightmares. I don't have many sleep issues anymore... so why do I need stimulants (in mass quantities) to wake up?
I'm not up to the list-item, where I decide "what I'm gonna do in retirement" yet. Part of me says I'd better have fun & learn to play while I can... another part of me, wants to throw myself into the maw of being of use, practical use to others; some sort of hands-on personal service... and there is one part of me, that would like to try on H.L. Mencken's shoes... be a published curmudgeon... and tell everyone a.) what I think is wrong and b.) how to fix it without being politically correct, mind you. LOL... like THAT'LL happen...
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