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Childhood panic attacks?

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finding peace:
Hey KZ,

In my case, my father was the N (professionally diagnosed 2x) and my mother was the co-D …. until he died.  

Once he died, it was almost as if she no longer had a personality of her own, and became him, or she was his mini-me all along – and just hid it better.

In retrospect, when I think about what she did to me as a child, I am thinking the latter.

Funny you asked about descent.

My Nona (my father's mother) was of Sicilian descent.  

I loved her.

My father/mother hated her.  

I don’t know if she was playing games, but she was the only one in my family who ever cared about how I felt and what I was going through.

She was the only anchor I had.

My mother, as well as, grandfathers on the maternal and fraternal side, were primarily of Germanic descent.

Truth be told I am a mutt :) (French, German, Italian, Scottish, English, Scots Irish…).

Personally, I don’t like to pinpoint to an entire race; however, I don’t doubt you have a valid point here – it would be an interesting study.

It has been my experience that descendants of those of the “romance” languages (myself included) are more prone towards emotion and fighting rather than discussion.  That is what I grew up with.  It was always a fight, and a loud one at that.

I just don’t feel comfortable putting it down to a “race” per se.  

I think it takes a lot of factors to make an N, both genetic and environmental.

I do think this would be a great study – a study of the romance languages to determine if this impacts development into a personality disorder.

(On edit, I had a Spanish teacher in college, and she pointed out that it was interesting how some information translates from English to Spanish …  She said that in English, one would say, “I dropped the pen;” whereas in Spanish, one would say, “the pen fell from my hand.”  At the time, I thought about ownership of what we do, and wondered how much language influences what we think about ourselves and those around us?)

You have me thinking!  

Blessings to you,
Peace

KayZee:
Oh no!  I hope I haven't offended anyone.  Only mentioned the Italian thing because a consideration of nationality/ethnicity/family tree (as well as era/time period in which N or abuser was raised) can help a person understand all the personal history that contributed to their N-characteristics and the reasons why they raised us the way they did.

It's really touching to hear about your relationship with your Nona.  I'm so glad she was there to give you all the warmth, affection and understanding you very much deserved.

lots of love, Kay

finding peace:
KZ, it never occurred to me that your post was offensive.

I thought it very introspective.

I think you have a very valid point here.

It really has me thinking – one of my quirks!

Love to you,
Peace

bearwithme:

--- Quote ---I was a very nervous kid...  Always fearful of home intrusions.  Fearful that the house would burn down in the middle of the night while we were asleep.  Fearful that my parents were going to abandon me in the supermarket or shopping mall.  I realize now that these fears were just twisted versions of things that had already happened: already felt emotionally abandoned by my folks, already felt like our home was a devastated place, already felt like I was being intruded upon (engulfing NM afforded me no independence or space).

--- End quote ---

This is me.  So me.  You guys never cease to amaze me on how similar, no, exact, as to what I think and feel.  KZ, thanks for writing this.  I also thought terrible things would happen (sometimes I still do).  I always thought there was someone under my bed, I always thought someone would kill me and my family, I always imagined these horrific scenes that were downright disturbing and had (or have) no idea how to stop them...I lived in fear and to some degree, I still do.  Do you still fear?  My NM was scary and made me afraid of everything.  She would tell me about evil spirits, ghosts and the boogie-man, etc.  She was all those:  a ghost, and evil spirit and the boogie-man.


I have never thought of it that way.  Wow.

Bear.

Meh:
Yes, I had panic attacks/anxiety episodes when I was a child. When I was around six-seven-eight years old I had to get on airplanes by myself (not a big deal) and go to live with the other parent in another state. The stress of this instability and change and lack of loving parents to go to was too much for me one time and I refused to get on the plane at one point because I felt that I was going to suffocate and could not breathe. At that point I was told how angry my father was going to be at me because he paid a lot of MONEY for the airplane ticket I was also told that I was making it up to get attention or something like that. Heaven forbide that a child should be deserving of attention :shock:

I was ashamed and embarrassed because I was blamed for doing something bad. Of course I didn't understand what a panic attack was at that age. I felt confused. I WANTED TO PLEASE MY PARENTS...wanted them to be happy with me and having a panic attack was something that was going to make them unhappy.
My mother wanted me to live with her all the time so she could demand that my father send her money all the time.

I also remember at least one panic attack when I was a teenager but I didn't figure it out until I was an adult what these were.

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