Father with cancer and narcissistic mother

[Lucky]

Sorry, haven't been on the board for quite a while but it is a bit of an emergency now.
What I have been fearing for years would ever happen is happening now.
My father has cancer I was told on Monday and my mother is a N. I could do with some advice please how to handle this.

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Lucky...

You didn't say specifically what you need help with. Is your Nmom being a pain? Are you sad & worried about your Dad? I'm afraid I don't know enough of your "story" to know how this new situation impacts you, though I do get that the news about your Dad is probably upsetting.

Can you help out with some explanations about the situation? I'm gonna be around all weekend.

[Lucky]

Hello PhoenixRising,

In the past I have read writings from people that were in the same situation and they said the N used the situation for whatever it was worth. So that made me a bit fearful. The lack of empathy, the guilt tripping, the manipulation, causing turmoil and frustration, you name it.

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah, Ns are famous for that because - my guess only - they're jealous that they've lost the spotlight to the ill person. It's amazing what rediculous lengths they'll go to, to get it back, too.

All that aside, maybe it's best to just wait for something to happen and then figure out what's best for you in the situation. There's no set pattern to predict what you might face. So, my advice would be to focus on yourself - how you feel about everything, what kinds of things you need right now... and what you can/want to do for your Dad. Take care of what you can take of. That way, IF your Nmom gets up to tricks... you'll already have done the "homework" and won't have to do that at the same time as dealing with the impact of any hijinks.

Other folks here, really do have "war stories" to share on this topic. They'll be along, I'm sure. I don't have that experience. I just wanted to let you know I was out here listening.

[Meh]

My father is sick and my mother is a Narcissist. They are divorced but there is a manipulative family nag flow still regardless of the divorce because my alcoholic brother is "taking care" of my father. Brother talks to mother and mother talks to me. My brother wants me to take over his position...and my mother is going to help my brother buy a house and move away from father...

The only thing I can really say is I ran to get therapy. RAN and left some shoe rubber on the ground. Ran like my rear was on fire. Total fire engine sirens are going off...I'm feeling whoooaaa.......my little self is ANTICIPATING total engulfment and pressure in the form of sadistic guilt put on me. But did any of my relatives respond to me when I need help....not really.

I have been resistant to therapy because I've done a lot of it but now this is a new episode of the ever unfolding soap opera.

Even in a healthy family situation where there is a death often people need some support...Quadrupled so I think when the dynamic is strange and includes a personality disorder going on or whatever other complications that prevent mutual concern and normal sharing of responsibilities etc., processing of emotions. That is a big thing I think is death is a huge emotional event for a lot of people and a Nar person makes it hard to grieve normally IMO.

I don't really know what your family dynamics are but I realized I NEEDED SUPPORT AND HELP emotionally from a professional.
Dynamics unfold slowly over time but there is a predictability to it. I know what they are going to do, I know what they expect me to do....If I don't do what they expect me to do they will punish me. That is part of a bad relationship, people can't discus and work with and negotiate expectations.

[Meh]

My N mother always comes up with some sick event to counter whatever other situation is going on.
It always seems really justified though. I think she basically blows things out of proportion.

When both my mother and brother were stressing me out telling my father was dying and putting the GUILT on to the point where I just started crying uncontrollably...at the same time when I tried to discuss any of that with my mother she would...talk about her husband's daughter having a bladder biopsy that turned out to be nothing at all. My mother got a huge amount of attention when she had to have a biopsy that almost always turns out negative...and it was negative...but man did she milk it for months. I clarified what the doctors and nurses had actually said to her and realized that it was a very low risk situation but she created a story out of it that somehow drew attention from her husband's family, her still living parent's, her brother and her sister, her co-workers. There were family celebration dinners to rejoice that she wasn't really sick. The world will rally around her if she even has a ingrown butt hair for god's sake.

I don't really know how your situation is going to unfold or how your parents interact with each other but mostly I would say if She really is a Narcissist you can probably expect some form of acting up to occur.

[Lucky]

Thank you PhoenixRising and Boat that Rocks for your support!

[Lucky]

We have heard now that the cancer has already spread to my father's back and belly.

[sKePTiKal]

I'm sorry, Lucky.

Remind me: are you close and on good terms with your Dad? How are you feeling about this? Are you geographically close and able to - if you want to - visit?

[Hopalong]

Lucky, I'm really sorry.

My advice is, if you love your Dad and want to connect with him, do what you can to be there for him and communicate that love to him directly.
NOT through your mother, or messages, etc.

If you're at a distance, you can still find creative ways to send those direct messages. (At times I would order something for my Dad with my own message/note/gift...so there was no way for my mother to hijack my communication and make it about her.)

When you're focused on your own feelings of love and grief, and being present to him and to yourself...if you can possibly look at her the way you would annoying weather, but keep your eyes on the prize (being present to yourself, and to him)...that may help.

She IS just annoying weather. Way more sound and wind than substance, and fated to blow over.

You're sturdy. She cannot blow you over. Love is bigger than fear.

Just love yourself, love your father if you do...and respond out of that place.

(Loving yourself means not letting your mother make it All About Her.) You can be compassionate
but protect yourself at the same time.

love to you,
Hops

[Lucky]

My father has always been kind and patient and rather complient to my mother. Yes, I do love him. Thank you for your help!

[JustKathy]

Hi Lucky. I'm very sorry to hear about your father's illness.

The others are absolutely correct in saying that Ns will go to ridiculous lengths to divert attention back to them. My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer about four years ago and went through a really rough time of it (and still is). My NM tried to downplay her illness, and when that didn't work, she "got cancer" herself, telling everyone that she had an inoperable tumor and only four weeks to live. It's been over three years, and she's still telling people that she has four weeks to live. She has no compassion towards her own daughter for being sick. Instead, she's jealous of her for getting cancer because cancer = attention.

Be prepared for your NM to create some major drama. The best thing you can do is try to ignore the theatrics and just be there for your father. It's difficult at best when an N is coming between you and another family member, let alone one who is sick. If your NM is the one giving you updates on your father's condition, try to verify it. Ns will embellish their own illnesses and downplay everyone else's. You won't get the truth from her. I wish you all the best is getting through this and will keep you in my thoughts as you go through this difficult time. Hang in there.

Kathy

[Lucky]

Hello Kathy,

What you are telling about your mother and sister is really bad, how can a mother behave that way towards her daughter, it is really disgusting.

[JustKathy]

What you are telling about your mother and sister is really bad, how can a mother behave that way towards her daughter, it is really disgusting.

That's what Ns are .... disgusting. Their behavior towards family is deplorable, especially family in need. I have heard many many stories of N mothers trying to take the spotlight away from a sick or dying family member. They are completely devoid of compassion. It's all about THEM.

[Guest]

That's what Ns are .... disgusting. Their behavior towards family is deplorable, especially family in need. I have heard many many stories of N mothers trying to take the spotlight away from a sick or dying family member. They are completely devoid of compassion. It's all about THEM.

Agreed Kathy. They have no compassion. They are only aware of what affects them, how they feel. Nasty stuff.