Father with cancer and narcissistic mother

[Lucky]

Also the fourth and last year of my studies just started  . I work fulltime and my father is getting worse and I will have to write my thesis all at the same time  .

[Lucky]

My father has a crooked leg and a few days ago it was looked at. It appears his leg is broken and he has been going up and down the stairs with it  ! It can not be treated in any way because the leg had already been given radiation treatment  . It looks like he will soon end up in a weelchair.

[Hopalong]

Lucky, what a sad development.
It's really hurting your heart to see your Dad suffer this.

The last chapter of life can be such a tough one.
I'm very sorry.

One wee piece of advice. For my D, her stepmother was
dying of cancer while my D was in the last stretch of her graduate degree.
I pleaded with her to focus on her studies even while this
sad event was unspooling, and not let it derail her completely from
her goal.

She did let it. And will regret it forever. Now, it's unlikely that
she'll ever complete that degree for which she got so deeply in
debt, and around which she had built so many hopes.

I believe your father would want, most of all, for you to do
what is best for your own long life, right now. So ... I hope
you will find a way to focus intensely on your work, while it
is necessary to. When you're visiting him, you can be fully
present. But otherwise, this truly is a time to compartmentalize.

He would wish that for you, I would bet a lot.

love,
Hops

[Lucky]

Dear Hops,
Thank you for your kind response. I am trying hard to stay focused on my studies but have asked the college what will happen if I really need to focus on my dad and they told me that a little delay because of my father will be accepted. Also the HR people from the company I work for and that is paying for my education tell me the same. So that is a relief. However I would like it if my father would still be alive when I get my diploma. He is very proud of me studying.

[Hopalong]

He's TOTALLY proud of you!
And maybe pushing on through would be a great gift to him.

If you can't, though, just remember that grief can derail you
too. (You're not my D, I should remember. But she pushed
herself to the breaking point and beyond, and has never
been able to re-start.)

Worry but understand,
Hops

[Lucky]

May I ask you what precisely happened with your daughter? Did she suffer from a burnout?

[Hopalong]

Oof. Loooooooong story, Lucky, mostly covered on my thread called "Mothering Again..." (with ellipses).

Nutshell: She did break down. Had to do with wobbly mental health in the first place (bipolar, ADD, plus mild Asperger's) that in combo with the emotional stress of her stepmom's slow and bloody horrible decline, plus her cat's death, along with my D's inability to multi-task (painful reunions with long-lost but unappreciative siblings from her Dad's other marriages, were also part of the dynamic) -- added up to her: mental cracking, eviction, meltdown, collapse at the tail end of her M.A. program, and overall personal disaster. That she's still trying to heal from. Meanwhile, she has completely estranged herself from me and I haven't heard her voice in 2.5 years.

And I can't fix it. I don't want to re-open that vein just now (for my own mental health) but you're welcome to read my old threads about her.

Hops

[Lucky]

Okay, so there was much more going on apart from the death of her father and having to study at the same time. Thank you for telling me what happened.
I am sorry that you have not heard her voice for such a long time. But as you say, it probably is better for your mental health.

[Hopalong]

Hi Lucky,
You're welcome, and thanks for caring.

Noooooooo--it isn't hearing her voice that would be bad for my mental health!
It's that the grief I feel over NOT hearing her voice is so painful that I am
trying not to think about her.

Hops

[Lucky]

I am sorry I misunderstood you Hopalong. I am sorry for your pain.

[Hopalong]

No apology needed, Lucky!

Thanks for your compassion.

hugs
Hops

[gratitude28]

Lucky,
How are you? How is your dad? I just went through the same exact situation. I called my dad every day and I went to see him. It was so hard when he died. Please talk to him as much as you can now - even calls or whatever he is up for.
Sending you so much love. I am glad your dad has you to love him while he is sick. I wrote my dad a letter a few weeks before he died to tell him about many things - he started wanting to apologize and change near the end and I wanted him to know I always loved him. Maybe you can write your dad a letter? Relive some memories with him. He will love that.
Love,
Beth

[Lucky]

My father is in hospital now. On Wedsnesday the pain became unbareble. I love him so much and I am feeling so much pain because of his suffering. I will do whatever I can to see him and let him now that I love him and care about him. It is so horrible to see him suffer and deteriorate. I am so sad about it.

[gratitude28]

Lucky, I know how hard it is. Please write to me any time. My personal email is elizgomez@hotmail.com. There is no way to prepare yourself - it's so hard. Like you said, just spend as much time with him as you can now and let him know how much you love him. How is he doing? Is he ok with going? For me, the hardest part was that my dad was not ready to die. He was scared. I want so badly to make things different. I so wish I could have helped him in some way.

[Lucky]

After the terrible pain he suffered Wednesday, I think he does not mind going any more. He said he does not want to suffer more of that kind of pain again. He is however all the time worried about my mother.