Father with cancer and narcissistic mother

[gratitude28]

My dad worried about my mother too. It made me mad that she still had to be the focus. I know he realized more what she was at the end, but he couldn't quite let go of his false idea of her. How are you doing? Are you ok?

[Hopalong]

My father was able to let go soon after i promised him I would always take good care of NMom.
I could feel his relief and his release.

No way his 50 years of loyalty to her were going to evaporate, and I honored him by that promise.
Hard as it was, I'm glad I kept it.

Hops

[Lucky]

My father was suffering from delerium these last days and therefore was not aware of a lot of things. He had an infection, suffered a lot of pain and is being given quite a lot of morphine. That is what caused him to be very confused. My mother seemed to miss being his focus of attention but I must say that she is not behaving too badly. She is actually surprising me how well she is behaving. Compared to what I am used to.

[Lucky]

To be honest, I am starting to doubt if my mother really is behaving so well... My eyes are opening and I am starting to see someone who is mostly concerned with her own wellbeing.

[gratitude28]

How is your dad doing? Are you able to be with him?

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((Lucky)))))))))))))

I'm thinking of you as you gently let your Dad go...
I'm sorry your mother adds stress to this event.

But he's at the threshold, and nothing she is or does
can alter the energy or love you choose to give him.

There'll be plenty of time later to assess her "performance."

All that matters now is you being present to him and as
minimally distracted by her as you can manage.

I'm sorry you're all going through this, and wish your Dad
a peaceful, pain-controlled departure, as soon as nature lets
him go....

love to you,
Hops

[Lucky]

My sister and I have seen my dad today. But of course my mother has to be center stage and my father is trying to give it to her although he is extremely tired. My mother told us that he even offered her his apologies because he fell asleep while she was visiting him in hospital yesterday. He is well trained to make her the center of attention at all times. She even told my sister a few days ago that he likes to see her most of all. My sister felt as if we are no longer welcome to come and visit him. My sister and I have the feeling that she rather not have him home again because she would mess with her easy and comfortable life she is having at the moment. My father really would like to go home but my mother is making up all kinds of excuses why it would not be a good idea.

[Lucky]

Yesterday my father came home (trial for two days to see how it would go) and today my mother told me that he does not want to live any longer. He was looking forward to going home and the days after he came home he wants to die. I was with my parents yesterday and i did not hear him say this. He said he was happy to be home. He is not in terrible pain but he is very fatigued and weak. All the time during his illness he has been feeling guilty towards my mother that he was causing her extra work.

[gratitude28]

Oh Lucky,
I am so sorry. I am wishing you some peace and your dad a lot of love.
Beth

[Lucky]

My father came home on the 14th of December and he stayed home. We (my mother and sister and I) have been taking care of him with the help of others. I do not think my dad has much longer to live. However my mother is getting fed up with taking care of my father. She is fed up with staying in the house all the time.

[Hopalong]

Perhaps you could persuade one of the outside helpers to tell your mother, very seriously, that it is a medical recommendation for her that she take a two-hour break away from the house at least once a day....

I am glad you are with him, Lucky. He is lucky you are there.

love
Hops

[Lucky]

The problem is that my parents are a 1 hour 40 minutes drive away from where I live and I work fulltime. So I can not be there with them as much as I would like to. My father is bed ridden and taking care of him is quite a lot of work. Even though there is a night nurse during the night and twice a day people come to wash my father and change his clothes and regularly change the bed linnen. The moments I am with them it is very rewarding because my father is very grateful for the help and my mother has time to have a shower upstairs and go shopping. My father can not be left alone for longer than a quarter of an hour. He suffers from delirium / confusion.

[Lucky]

My dad died on the 1st of March. Before his death my mother was badmouthing my dad and she is still doing it! It hurts me very much that she can not say nice things about him, he was such a kind man!

[BonesMS]

My dad died on the 1st of March. Before his death my mother was badmouthing my dad and she is still doing it! It hurts me very much that she can not say nice things about him, he was such a kind man!

(((((((((((((((((((((((Lucky)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Lucky,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
But very glad you could be close to him during this chapter of his life.

You clearly take after your father...
and that you'll always keep.

with love,
Hops