Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
New thread for flirting, opposite sex relationship stuff
Hopalong:
It's partly time, Boat...I work fulltime and feel drained.
But a lot of it's isolation (I hermit every evening except a couple of church groups every month I drag myself to), and some depression.
A lot of avoidance too. I have fears about it, am very ambivalent.
I daydream about a loving relationship but have had many failed ones.
I precoccupy myself with escape things (timewasting TV) and when I did have a date I was excited about, I scared myself by feeling so much anxiety I got chest pain. Pretty much turned me off it. Though I did have a couple nice dates with someone else whom I might see again after the holidays.
Mostly lately, I am pretty crushed by my failed relationship with my daughter and her dire situtation (close to yours at the moment).. I don't seem to have enough energy left to dream happy dreams for myself. I am still in limbo about where I'll live in old age, rough job situation at times, just all that.
Romance seems like...I don't know, going to Dunkin' Donuts or something. I think maybe that's not true, and I need to care more about creating new possibilities for myself, including finding a relationship. For the last few years, just haven't had the strength.
All that's pretty self-pitying (few rough emails from her this evening) and I'm going to try to shake it off.
Thanks for asking, Boat.
Hops
Meh:
So do y'all think this type of Mirroring that Erin describes is the same sort of mirroring that mother's do with their baby/children?
Mirroring has been described on the board before in other posts but not in the context of flirting is it the same thing.
This is Redhead Erin's Post from other thread:
"Here is an easy technique called "Mirroring and matching." Pretend you are a mirror of the person you are flirting with. Every time he makes a large movement, wait three seconds and make a similar movement. For example, he takes a sip of his drink, count 1...2...3...sip your drink. He scratched his ear ...1..2...3...push some hair behind you ear. You can do this for quite a log time. When you feel like you are getting into a rhythem, you cAN
reverse the process. Sip your drink (or whatever) first, and see if he follows you.
How this works, it establishes a sort of sympathy between two people. It puts you in a space of having something in common and creates a friendly atmosphere in which you can then get into a good conversation."
Redhead Erin:
Come to think of it, yes I believe so, though I never put it together before. Cool Boat.
((((Bones))))
Hang in there.
(((Hops)))
Things will get better.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Redhead Erin on November 27, 2011, 05:42:04 AM ---Come to think of it, yes I believe so, though I never put it together before. Cool Boat.
((((Bones))))
Hang in there.
(((Hops)))
Things will get better.
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Erin.
Bones
sKePTiKal:
Mirthful... reminds me of smurfs! Is play: anything that's FUN?
Bones - you know you're welcome to jump in, whenever you want to, right? I just don't want this chat to bring on a whole stream of nasty stuff from the past for you; or me for that matter... (and yeah, I know it's lurking - that's what part of my fear and inability to just SAY what I want to - need to - SAY is about).
Boat - yes, I think you're absolutely spot on with the idea that Erin's mirroring/marking during flirting is identical to the early infant/mom attachment bond. I wonder: how many of us flirt this way unconsciously? I don't know for a fact that I've done this... but given my unconscious mimicking, it's more than likely. OH DUH... I guess the reason I unconsciously mirror back people's gestures, manner of speaking - and even regional accents if I'm paying attention - is precisely that "looking for the mirror"... the echo to my original yodel... "the missing piece"... the one person I belong to. Like spy code phrases... you have to say the right thing for the other person to recognize you're the right contact...
I just did this "speech mimic" the other day with someone I met who was from Queens; I noticed it and tried to consciously stop it. It's difficult tho - that longing to BElong is pretty strong in me.
Which is a direct contradiction to the pulling back syndrome I have, with intimacy... isn't it? Damn primary attachment that was dangerous, anyway.... < I'll just run screaming out of the room now; thanks... I don't think I can reconcile those 2 opposites yet>.
My anxiety with hubs and intimacy, hasn't always been there. It ONLY came up, after T... and no, I didn't deal with that then. There were a lot of other things to pay attention to at the time. The shutdown I experience - the physical withdrawing - I still believe is directly connected to being overpowered - and all the crap that followed - during the rape. On the "After Silence" board - it was pretty clear this was an experience that's pretty common. And since I was denied the opportunity to process that whole experience, until it came out in therapy... I guess my timeline isn't out of the ordinary, either. But it ticks me off - I want it to "go away" so I can "go back to" being my other happy to touch & snuggle &... Self. Hubs most definitely wants it go back - and he'll settle for "closer". At the moment, I have to psyche myself up and talk myself through things... constantly telling myself that it's OK, I'm safe. That's not exactly fun or playful.
But the other thing I think I've been working through is how this all relates to boundaries. Learning what a need was... that I had needs... what my boundaries were - and how nice it felt to be safe inside my boundaries, living in my little bubble taking care of my needs as best I could for myself. Being safe inside a bubble that no one else is allowed in... isn't a hell of a lot of fun when you're a person who needs to feel connected - that recognition and BElonging of mirroring/marking.
And to be blunt about it, therapy essentially gave me permission for the first time in my life to pay attention to myself; to put myself first on the list and as usual, once I got that bit between my teeth.... I ran with it - at least in the one arena where I felt I could without being challenged or questioned. That's not fair and it's damn well NOT what I want. I really wasn't paying attention.
And of course, it would be easy to just blame everything on the fact that the one person who I trusted to take care of me, to mirror and mark me... only wanted me to mirror/mark HER... and every time I allowed myself to be close - I was engulfed/enmeshed, no boundaries allowed... so I'm programmed to associate that danger with intimacy. My having an emotion was just like bait dropped in a school of starving fish... and I got "hooked" every time. Blaming Nmom didn't get me the result I wanted, even though I had to detail all the links in the chain of that wacked relationship enough times - that it lost it's mystery and magic and power. I've seen that trick enough times now. Being angry didn't work either... and wow - as utilitarian as those boundaries are, when dealing with pushy, or manipulative or using-taker people... they're stumbling blocks to connection if there are no windows, doors, or permeability or flexibility. My guess is: that kind of boundary - the intimacy boundary - is one of those situational things; it's a line in the sand that can be erased -- not something engraved in granite.
Boundaries: can't live with them, when they're too defensive/strong or too weak... can't live without 'em.
Isn't a volleyball net a boundary? Playing field? Basketball court? Chess board squares? Hmmmmmmmmmm.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version