Hi Everybody,
I'm so sorry I haven't responded sooner. I picked up another daycare flu/sinus and chest infection. Torture.
At any rate, Kathy, I related to the following tenfold:
I'd love to get some revenge, but I never really think about it, probably because I know there really isn't any kind of revenge that would satisfy me. Nothing, not even NM's death, can undo the damage that she's inflicted. Nothing will give me my life back, make me normal inside, take away my insecurities and pain, the nightmares I still have of her tormenting me in high school, and the worst, a lifetime of family members believing that she was the perfect mother, and that there was something wrong with ME.
You're so very very wise. Even if Ns were capable of change (they're
not) and even if every other pawn in their evil empire saw the light, we'd still have to deal with the backlog of bad memories and emotional pain. There's no changing that, no getting around it. And I suppose revenge seems quite pointless to a lot of us because we suspect that it really wouldn't make up for the past.
That said, you're so strong and insightful and self-aware. I don't doubt that--with a little more time to grieve--you will find strength, security and an increased feeling of control, power, agency. I don't think you ought to focus on feeling "normal" inside. Because what you will have (what you already have) is more powerful than "normal:" what you've been through has given you a level of insight and empathy that is extremely rare. I don't want to say abuse is a gift because no one should ever have to suffer abuse, especially someone as lovely as you. But I strongly believe that some of the best healers (like therapists) or creative folks (musicians, writers, artists) have had trauma; it's what gives them such strong intuition and enables them to connect with other people on such a deep level.
Hops, Thank you so much for the recommendation. I will definitely check out
Buck. I just went to the film's website (
http://buckthefilm.com/) and was incredibly moved. I love the tagline: "There's no wisdom worth having that isn't hard won." And the line in the trailer...something like: "Vulnerability is what makes you great. And "a lot of people who are good at this are tortured souls."
Bones, it's funny, my revenge fantasies always go to LSD too. I'm not sure why the idea of spiking my mother's food/drink is so appealing. Probably because she used to do the same to me when I was little.
P.R. and Kathy, re: the below, if either of you come across any writing about mental illness and hallucinogenics, will you send it my way? I find the below ideas fascinating. Back when we were first dating, DH used to mischievously say that he'd love to spike my NM's coffee with the drug ecstasy, just to make her huggy, affectionate, nice to be around. But then, he said, if NM took ecstasy, she probably wouldn't feel any huge swells of love for anyone else, she'd just walk around rambling about how much everyone else loves HER. Funny and sad and telling. He said all this long before we ever realized that she probably had NPD.
Okay, this is REALLY interesting. Definitely got me thinking. I wonder if there is any documentation of Ns taking hallucinogenic drugs, and how they reacted? Can mental illness be temporary halted, or are their brains so hard wired that the drug would simply bring out other N qualities? Somewhere there must be someone who has an N parent that took opiates or other mind altering drugs for a legitimate medical condition. Anyone have any experience with this?
Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful, relaxing weekend.
sending lots of love your way, Kay
