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Revenge Fantasies?

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KayZee:
Hi everyone,
  
So, sometimes I feel like I'm side-stepping my anger for my NM.  Like, I just won't let myself go to the Rage-place.  And in the rare instances when do, I immediately feel guilty.  I tell myself it's a waste of time, I ought to go back to trying to find forgiveness for my NM, accept her illness and her emotional limitations.  

But anger is valid.  It's cathartic.  It's part of the grieving process.

To that end, someone suggested I ask myself--as a kind of emotional exercise--what I would do to get back at NM if I could?  But I'm struggling.for answers.  (Aside from, maybe, slipping my NM some mild-altering substance that would screw with her perceptions/sense of reality as much as she has always messed with mine.)

At any rate, knowing that everyone on this forum is much too thoughtful, compassionate and caring to ever carry out some sort of wicket plot...I wondered, do you ever fantasize about getting back at the N's in your life?  If so, how do you see yourself doing it?

hope this question isn't too wicked,
K

KayZee:
Hi Freshwater,


--- Quote ---I'd rather see them removed, painlessly, from the planet.
--- End quote ---
  I love this!

I'm so glad to hear you're not too attached/embroiled.  It gives me hope.

I have to admit, there are still times when I WISH they wanted to change/were capable of it.  Occasionally, I fantasize about sweeping into mom and dad's childhoods and rescuing them from their own dysfunctional FOOs and the abuses they suffered as kids, thereby making them healthy enough/sane enough to choose a partner that they really enjoy not just someone who reminds them of their nasty parents.  But then, if that were possible, I wouldn't be here. 

Kay

finding peace:
Hi Kay,

You ask provocative questions that keep my mind percolating – I love this (thank you!).

I used to go through scenario through scenario through scenario about how I could get even (or even break-even).

I had so much rage against them – I call it the black rage.

In many ways the rage I felt was a catharsis in and of itself – it allowed me to realize that I was wronged.

Some I even acted out on – but even though I wrapped them up in the cellophane of their own making (tied them up in their own words) – they didn’t (deliberately) get it and it backfired (again I was the difficult one).

But, to get even – it pulls me into their game, and ultimately, it makes me them (IMO).

I don’t want to be them.  Ever.

I have come to the point where I actually feel sorry for them.

They are so wrapped up in their own identities, they cannot fathom that someone might be different, and especially, that is ok to be different.

And to fight that is futile.

There definitely used to be a part of me that wanted them to feel the pain that I did.

Maybe it is idealistic, but I think they do feel that pain.  Not at a conscious level by any means (but it is what I think drives them).

But I will not allow me to become them, and it is a slippery slope.

A slope I bypass, because I don’t want to be who they are.

If that makes any sense?

Love to you,
Peace

BonesMS:
I've had some fantasies....e.g. dropping acid on NWomb-Donor to change her perception of reality.  Then, the more I thought that through, realized that her perceptions were so already skewed that she would never notice the difference.

My perception of N's are that they are like The Borg, sweeping through various quadrants in their Cubes, chanting:  "We are The Borg!  You will be assimilated!  Resistance is futile!"

Reminds me to put as much distance as possible between me and them!

Bones

sKePTiKal:
Kay, my T actually recommended that I imagine a room where I could fully express my anger/rage. A place where I myself would be safe doing this. So I did a little interior design visualization... and began to feel myself in the space... then she suggested I think about who I wanted to put in the room with me and what did I want to do to them?? Just like in video games, weapons magically appeared in my hands... all the right words showed up coherently in my brain and came out of my mouth...

But I didn't want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to tie them up, duct tape their mouth and force them to listen to ME for a change. Turns out I had years worth of anger/rage/hurt to process out. Most of it in journals... but a lot of it, here too. We have PERMISSION to be angry (without guilt)... but it doesn't feel normal, until we've practiced it enough. You're right - it is a step along the healing path... everyone gets there in their own time, their own way. Everyone eventually gets done with that... and moves on. A good bit of my actual healing... was simply learning that I was allowed to be angry, to know why I was angry, who I was angry at... that anger, in itself, didn't make me a bad person... and that I didn't need to fear (and therefore stuff, deny, or turn my anger against myself) this one emotion getting "out of control".

Oh yes, and I learned that there were lots of other emotions to feel, too.   ;)

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