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Tried to disappear/go NC and they hunted me down!!!

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JustKathy:
Well, I thought I was being so clever. I moved in October from AZ back to CA and didn't tell anyone in the family. I was already NC, but decided to go the extra mile and become invisible to them. I just disconnected the phone and left. I was SO looking forward to my very first Christmas without NM's box of insult gifts and her annual guilt letter telling me that she's dying of cancer and has reached her "final weeks."

But nooooo …. yesterday the box arrived, at my new address! I spent hours last night Googling our names, and was not able to locate the new address on a standard online search. None of the usual "info" sites has picked up on it yet and all are still showing the old address. NM just isn't that Internet savvy, unless she paid someone to track us down. At least I know that they don't have the phone number or they would have called by now, but I'm going to replace the voice greeting on my answering machine with the default electronic voice, so if they call, they won't know who they've reached.

I'm not going to open the box. I can only imagine that NM is in an absolute rage over my attempt at disappearing off her radar. Whatever is in that box is probably $5 worth of gifts and a three-page guilt letter that she worked on for weeks. She can't even be sure that the address she found is mine, but was apparently willing to take a chance just to send me a message, and that message is definitely this: "I will NOT be ignored. You cannot run from me. Wherever you go, I will hunt you down like a dog until I find you. I will not, I repeat, NOT be ignored."

Has anyone else gone NC by "vanishing?" I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone else, being hunted down lke this.

sKePTiKal:
Good Lord, Kathy... what'd she do, hire a PI? Have you watched & followed? [You know, it's not paranoia when the harassment is real...].

This situation might be the exception to the general consensus opinion that it's best not to confront the N, directly. Try - "return to sender; addressee unknown; not at this address". If that doesn't get your point across well enough, then it's time for the direct message - no, I don't recommend face to face; you need hard physical evidence as documentation and backup that you've politely, firmly and clearly requested she leave you alone. Emails archived; letters sent certified mail and delivery receipts attached to a copy of the letter; fax with confirmation of receipt. Writing frustrates them because it's one-way communication that they're not used to... and you can't make paper feel guilty.

Documentation comes in handy, in case she intends to escalate things to the next level (sounds like she very well might). Regardless of your biological relationship, she is engaging in harassment and stalking. In that respect, after you've documented your wish for her to cease and desist, if she continues -- she will have chosen to step across that legal boundary and you are within your rights to ask for a legal restraining order. It's quite possible that the words "emotional abuse" will be taken more seriously in courts, these days. (Too much stuff in the news these days and social awareness is higher now.) I'd say you'd have a pretty good chance of obtaining this, for yourself. That might even feel pretty validating - knowing a judge believed you.

So, the outcome would be - a.) you've confronted her and told her exactly what you want from her (to be left alone) and b.) if she won't accept that and abide by it, you're prepared to take it legal... which ought to give her pause and provide her with a taste of what helpless frustration feels like. However - that last one isn't guaranteed; and it also has a risk associated with it. The risk is that she'll find a way to circumvent the restraining order...

... and if that happens, I guess that only leaves the Witness Protection Program.... or how CIA agents change their identity. Sorry, I don't have any contacts! Kidding aside, I would be tongue-tied with anger and sputtering in frustration if I were in your shoes. "Go away and leave me alone" is plain English; you're an adult; she has to respect that - or at least the law that says she has to respect that. The other thing that occurred to me, is when you receive something from her? Think of it as unsolicited solicitations: junk mail... freebies with a catch... a scam.

It is.

I wish I had better advice for you Kathy. You deserve better. But I don't know what it is... maybe someone else has some ideas.

BonesMS:
(((((((((((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))))))

In case the bat-shit crazy bitch recognizes your handwriting, I'd have someone else write:  "Not at this address.  Addressee unknown.  Return to sender" and dump the unwanted package at the post office.  No law says you have to allow the NWomb-Donor to clutter up your new home with her crap.

Bones

fraidycat:
Hi Kathy,
 I have a few questions for you...

 Was the label on the *Gift*  addressed to your new residence in your n-moms handwritting?

Did you fill out a change of address card with the post office?

 If the package has your old address on it and you filled out the change of address card then the post office may have forwarded it to you. As far as I know they don't give out the new address and will stop forwarding your mail after a few months unless you make arrangements with them to extend it. Regardless I agree with PR and Bones...Return to sender! (written in BOLD generic print) I hope you have a peaceful Merry Christmas.

Fraidy

JustKathy:
Thanks for the advice guys. Fraidy, the address was done by her, not forwarded by the post office. HUGE label, computer printed. (She never writes anything by hand, too personal I guess. Everything I get from her is typed, including the signature.)

I was thinking of going the zero response route, and leave her wondering if we actually received the thing. She took a huge chance in mailing a package to an address based only on matching names. Hubby and I have very common names (Dave and Kathy), so hypothetically speaking, she could have found two people with coincidentally matching names in her search. The other thing is that we still own the house in AZ. Due the the extremely depressed market there, we weren't able to sell it and had to turn it into a rental. We are still the legal owners of that house, which is a matter of public record. She REALLY jumped to conclusions over a disconnected phone number (if we hadn't moved, we were going to disconnect the land line anyway).

It's going to eat her alive not getting a response, so at some point I expect that she'll order my sister to email me and ask if I got the package, at which point I'll say, "What package?" After all, I live in AZ, and no package ever came here.

I could return it, but even if I use a label or someone else's handwriting, she'll immediately conclude that I returned it, and will use it in her smear campaign. I can hear it now ... she's dying of cancer, and her beloved daughter sent back her presents, bla bla bla. A restraining order would also be the ultimate gift for her because it would be something tangible that she could show everyone. If I let her believe that she screwed up and sent the package to two people who happen to have the same name, oh well, ooops. She lost the package, and worse for her, I got a hassle free Christmas. I never received her guilt letter, therefore, she wasn't able to "get" to me.

A little part of me also wants to know what is in the very thick guilt letter she enclosed. I may one day write a book about N mothers, and really want to publish some of her letters.

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