Tried to disappear/go NC and they hunted me down!!!

[BonesMS]

WELL ....

I was going to take the letter and burn it, but before I had the chance Hubby informed me that he was dying of curiosity and had opened it. I haven't looked at it, and won't, but he told me what was inside. I don't why, or at what point my perspective may have changed, but I somehow managed to laugh my ass off at it.

He said that the letter was pretty brief. She sent some photos of herself with her shaved head to drive home the point that she's "dying of cancer." Very little was said in the letter other than pleading with us to come and visit them both before they die. But here's where it gets good. She included a check for $500. She closed the letter by saying, "Hope you're enjoying your new house," which can best be translated as, "Ha Ha, I found your new address!"

So here's my thoughts on it. She can't possibly believe that I'm going to come visit after being NC for so many years, nor does she want me to. But she's certain that I'll run to the bank and cash that check. Cashing the check will 1) Provide her with proof that she did in fact find my house and that I got the package, and 2) Gives her pity party material on Christmas Day. "Waaaaaa. Kathy cashed my check and didn't even thank me. Why is she so mean to me?"

So I told hubby to tear up the check and throw it out. We're really hurting right now, and sure could have used that money, but I'd rather go hungry than accept dirty money. So the check has been destroyed, and she'll just have to wonder what happened.

I also find it downright hysterical that she apparently has placed a dollar value on me. My brother has received millions in cars, education, houses, and is sole heir in their will (meaning he'll get the only remaining item, their house). I get .... $500!!!! Wow!!!!! There's simply no way to get inside the mind of an N, but it does leave me wondering if she's able to see the absurd inequity here. Does she justify it in her mind as the golden child being worth millions, and me being worth nothing .... OR .... is she not really cognizant of it, and believes that she's treating us equally? If only their brains could be dissected and the answers could be found.

Anyway, long story short, I'm oddly okay with this, even amused by it. It's so desperate, so laughable, that it's not hurting me. Maybe I've somehow been liberated by the knowledge that I am officially disinherited. There isn't anything at stake, so to speak. My therapists have always encouraged me to maintain *some* contact, just in case I might get some inheritance, which would serve as a small bit of restitution for my pain and suffering. I now know with 100% certainty that I'm not getting a dime when they die, so I have nothing to lose, and can now laugh at their desperate attempts. The things that they've done to me in the past will haunt me for the rest of my life, but for some reason, this year's Christmas Box of Doom managed to entertain me. Does that sound weird?

NOT weird AT ALL!!!!

Sounds like she attempted to buy you as her slave AND FAILED!!!  MISERABLY!!!!   

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Nope, not weird.

Neither are your assumptions about why this is so funny this time, you know? I've wondered sometimes, if the way their minds work hasn't been hilarious all along...

and I've simply taken it all too personally and been naive to hold the expectation that my mother would love me - for me - without all the other strings, projection, and manipulation. I do wonder that, but then there's the little voice in my head that says:


naaaaaaahhhh.

[KayZee]

(((((((Kathy))))))))

but for some reason, this year's Christmas Box of Doom managed to entertain me.

Just want to say I think you're a very strong, grounded, courageous woman.  I'm so glad you and your DH were able to lean on each other and even find some hilarity in the insanity.

Because make no mistake about it...your NM is N-sane in the brain!  To me it sounds like she's playing her very last desperate hand.  Throwing around money, playing the sick-card.  Good for you for not getting too sucked into the drama she's trying hard to create!

lots of love, Kay

P.S.- To everyone who's NC...very good idea to make sure all your utilities bills go to a P.O. box.  It's very easy and cheap for Ns to find you on the Internet that way.

[Guest]

KAY

re your PS above, which countries does this apply in? I'm curious to know more about the mechanics of this (easy and cheap over the web?).


And another question for ALL: is it preferable to be the hunted or the hunting/hunter?

Okay, better not to play the game. But sometimes we are forced to play for our own protection, security, peace of mind. So if you have to choose, is it hunted or hunter?

I hope that's a no-brainer, but hey, we're all different sometimes...

KATHY
 re

My therapists have always encouraged me to maintain *some* contact, just in case I might get some inheritance, which would serve as a small bit of restitution for my pain and suffering.

IF your therapists were 100% seriously advising you to do that, they need their heads looking and someone to look over their therapeutic methods - just my opinion, which is in fact worth nothing. It seems to me that any T worth the title would at most offer that idea to you to explore your reaction and would make it clear that they were neutral about the idea. But then money, or the idea of it, does funny things to people.

[lighter]

We have to study, practice and pass a test to drive a car..........

but to have a baby.....

nuthin.

Infants are born to all manner of Cluster B PD parents.

They're mostly left to figure everything out for themselves.

Left to fend for themselves.

It's crazy.

lighter

[sKePTiKal]

FW: when I have any presence of mind at all, I try to remember not to be either hunted or hunter... but to stand comfortably, duck, and let the danger simply go past me...

I sleep better that way! LOL...

[KayZee]

Freshwater: Hmm...I don't know how it works internationally.  I meant here in the U.S.  A former P.I. once told me that websites like Peoplefinder.com just charge people a $10 fee to essentially pull up the billing addresses attached to their electric bills.  Sounds pretty plausible.

P.R: I like that image about just being yourself/holding your ground even as the chaos spins around you.  Gives me hope and inspiration. 

I'm afraid I'm usually the skittish hunted, quick to run off and disappear when the danger feels to great.  But I'm working to find a bit more strength and self-defense.

Kay x

[sKePTiKal]

Kay,

yoga, tai chi, any kind of slow meditative body work seems to help. There's probably a scientific reason for this - neuroscience, nervous systems, etc - but so far I've just been collecting stories from other people who were helped this way, too. I've also noticed that this kind of "exercise" is also great for managing extra weight - despite the recommendations for aerobic or weight training... this kind of exercise works best for me. Maybe it indirectly affects cortisol (stress chemicals) levels?

And it's kinda like eating a nutritious diet - you have to do it regularly to gain the effect. The effect will wear off if you stop doing it. Which makes sense, if one accepts the theory that it balances and moderates both the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. I need to take my own advice, here - and soon - because I'm starting to have the old "it's all too much" meltdowns again. (A former skittish hunted type, here...)

[JustKathy]

Just want to say I think you're a very strong, grounded, courageous woman.

Gosh, thank you Kay. I don't really consider myself courageous, though my coping mechanisms are definitely better than they once were. It took a LONG time to get to this place though. If it wasn't for the Internet, and boards like this, I don't think my outlook ever would have changed. You really need the support of other N victims, which is very hard to find in real-life therapy.

IF your therapists were 100% seriously advising you to do that, they need their heads looking and someone to look over their therapeutic methods

Yeah. I have mixed feelings about that, though at the the same time, somewhat understand it. I have a friend who was the daughter of an N. Just like me, her brother was the GC and was the sole heir, until he died of cancer. When the NM died, she inherited a substantial amount. She took the money and absolutely blew it. Bought expensive cars, jewelry ... all the things that her NM never wanted her to have. She felt totally vindicated, not from having the "stuff," but from knowing that her NM was rolling in her grave over having her money squandered. So I guess it's possible to use inheritance money as a sort of revenge, IF you're lucky enough to get any. I have a feeling that few of us do. But back to the Ts, I doubt that many of them truly understand the nature of being an N victim. I had one who was very knowledgeable about Ns, but always defended the actions of my Co-Father. IMO the only person who is truly qualified to give advice regarding an N parent is another N victim. It's like my neurologist trying to give me advice on my migraines, without him knowing what a migraine really feels like. I don't care how many journals you read, until you've felt it, you just don't know.

Kay, I never thought about people being traceable through their utility bills, but wow, does that ever make sense. If you buy a house, that purchase becomes public record and makes you very traceable, but if you rent, absolutely, those utility bills will lead someone right to you. Years ago we got cheated in a real estate deal, and had to sue the seller. He had gone deep undercover, and was living with a friend. We hired a PI who found him within hours. I think he ran a DMV check, so that's another way of tracking someone. I guess in this day of technology, there's really no way to completely disappear.

[JustKathy]

And another question for ALL: is it preferable to be the hunted or the hunting/hunter?

I would have to choose the hunter because the type of people who are hunting us are so unbalanced. I run searches on my NM all the time, just to see what she's up to online, what she's doing for attention, and so on. But it's purely for entertainment. When they hunt US, they do it for malicious reasons. They want to hurt us, so it's a different game.

[Guest]

Kay

thank you for the info!

Kathy

the only person who is truly qualified to give advice regarding an N parent is another N victim

I think I know what you mean.

I think if we think like hunters, it helps us protect ourselves. And maybe others.

[KayZee]

Thank you so much for the advice, P.R.  You're such a calming presence, and you have a way of making everything seem so manageable when life feels topsy-turvey.
love, Kay

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks for the compliment Kay... I hope you don't read my ranting over on the other thread! It'll blow that impression of me being calm, right out of the water!! LOL... I just gotta laugh at it all... including myself.

[JustKathy]

Oh good lord. My father just sent me a letter telling me that he and NM are both close to death, that this will be their last Christmas, and to PLEASE (in capital letters and underlined) come visit them for Christmas because they're going to be all alone. All they want is to see their beloved daughter once more before they die. Yes, it seems that they're going to be all alone because the Golden Child is going to spend a few weeks in Hawaii with his N wife, while blowing off his "terminally ill" mother on her last Christmas (this will be "last Christmas" #4, by the way). After all, he has all their money now, so why should he bother to show up? Meanwhile, they're pleading with the daughter who was kicked to the curb and disinherited to show up. Wow. They actually think that it's okay to disinherit one child, gloat about it to her face, then expect her to show up to their Christmas dinner? I mean, what the frack do they expect me to talk about over turkey?

Okay, in thinking about this, they probably DO expect me to be just fine with it. I honestly don't believe that they see anything wrong with giving millions to their son, while disinheriting the target child, and taunting her with it. I really think that I'm expected to accept that I'm inferior and unworthy, because in their minds, I am. Oh well, looks like they're going to have a very lonely Christmas dinner. Hope my brother enjoys spending their money on Maui.

[BonesMS]

Oh good lord. My father just sent me a letter telling me that he and NM are both close to death, that this will be their last Christmas, and to PLEASE (in capital letters and underlined) come visit them for Christmas because they're going to be all alone. All they want is to see their beloved daughter once more before they die. Yes, it seems that they're going to be all alone because the Golden Child is going to spend a few weeks in Hawaii with his N wife, while blowing off his "terminally ill" mother on her last Christmas (this will be "last Christmas" #4, by the way). After all, he has all their money now, so why should he bother to show up? Meanwhile, they're pleading with the daughter who was kicked to the curb and disinherited to show up. Wow. They actually think that it's okay to disinherit one child, gloat about it to her face, then expect her to show up to their Christmas dinner? I mean, what the frack do they expect me to talk about over turkey?

Okay, in thinking about this, they probably DO expect me to be just fine with it. I honestly don't believe that they see anything wrong with giving millions to their son, while disinheriting the target child, and taunting her with it. I really think that I'm expected to accept that I'm inferior and unworthy, because in their minds, I am. Oh well, looks like they're going to have a very lonely Christmas dinner. Hope my brother enjoys spending their money on Maui.

Un.....F-ing......Believe-able!!!!!!    They BOTH have a LOT of NERVE!!!!!     Let them experience the consequences of their actions as you have had ENOUGH abuse from the two of those Sickos!!!!

Bones