Tried to disappear/go NC and they hunted me down!!!

[JustKathy]

Well, I thought I was being so clever. I moved in October from AZ back to CA and didn't tell anyone in the family. I was already NC, but decided to go the extra mile and become invisible to them. I just disconnected the phone and left. I was SO looking forward to my very first Christmas without NM's box of insult gifts and her annual guilt letter telling me that she's dying of cancer and has reached her "final weeks."

But nooooo …. yesterday the box arrived, at my new address! I spent hours last night Googling our names, and was not able to locate the new address on a standard online search. None of the usual "info" sites has picked up on it yet and all are still showing the old address. NM just isn't that Internet savvy, unless she paid someone to track us down. At least I know that they don't have the phone number or they would have called by now, but I'm going to replace the voice greeting on my answering machine with the default electronic voice, so if they call, they won't know who they've reached.

I'm not going to open the box. I can only imagine that NM is in an absolute rage over my attempt at disappearing off her radar. Whatever is in that box is probably $5 worth of gifts and a three-page guilt letter that she worked on for weeks. She can't even be sure that the address she found is mine, but was apparently willing to take a chance just to send me a message, and that message is definitely this: "I will NOT be ignored. You cannot run from me. Wherever you go, I will hunt you down like a dog until I find you. I will not, I repeat, NOT be ignored."

Has anyone else gone NC by "vanishing?" I'm wondering if this has happened to anyone else, being hunted down lke this.

[sKePTiKal]

Good Lord, Kathy... what'd she do, hire a PI? Have you watched & followed? [You know, it's not paranoia when the harassment is real...].

This situation might be the exception to the general consensus opinion that it's best not to confront the N, directly. Try - "return to sender; addressee unknown; not at this address". If that doesn't get your point across well enough, then it's time for the direct message - no, I don't recommend face to face; you need hard physical evidence as documentation and backup that you've politely, firmly and clearly requested she leave you alone. Emails archived; letters sent certified mail and delivery receipts attached to a copy of the letter; fax with confirmation of receipt. Writing frustrates them because it's one-way communication that they're not used to... and you can't make paper feel guilty.

Documentation comes in handy, in case she intends to escalate things to the next level (sounds like she very well might). Regardless of your biological relationship, she is engaging in harassment and stalking. In that respect, after you've documented your wish for her to cease and desist, if she continues -- she will have chosen to step across that legal boundary and you are within your rights to ask for a legal restraining order. It's quite possible that the words "emotional abuse" will be taken more seriously in courts, these days. (Too much stuff in the news these days and social awareness is higher now.) I'd say you'd have a pretty good chance of obtaining this, for yourself. That might even feel pretty validating - knowing a judge believed you.

So, the outcome would be - a.) you've confronted her and told her exactly what you want from her (to be left alone) and b.) if she won't accept that and abide by it, you're prepared to take it legal... which ought to give her pause and provide her with a taste of what helpless frustration feels like. However - that last one isn't guaranteed; and it also has a risk associated with it. The risk is that she'll find a way to circumvent the restraining order...

... and if that happens, I guess that only leaves the Witness Protection Program.... or how CIA agents change their identity. Sorry, I don't have any contacts! Kidding aside, I would be tongue-tied with anger and sputtering in frustration if I were in your shoes. "Go away and leave me alone" is plain English; you're an adult; she has to respect that - or at least the law that says she has to respect that. The other thing that occurred to me, is when you receive something from her? Think of it as unsolicited solicitations: junk mail... freebies with a catch... a scam.

It is.

I wish I had better advice for you Kathy. You deserve better. But I don't know what it is... maybe someone else has some ideas.

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))))))

In case the bat-shit crazy bitch recognizes your handwriting, I'd have someone else write:  "Not at this address.  Addressee unknown.  Return to sender" and dump the unwanted package at the post office.  No law says you have to allow the NWomb-Donor to clutter up your new home with her crap.

Bones

[fraidycat]

Hi Kathy,
 I have a few questions for you...

 Was the label on the *Gift*  addressed to your new residence in your n-moms handwritting?

Did you fill out a change of address card with the post office?

 If the package has your old address on it and you filled out the change of address card then the post office may have forwarded it to you. As far as I know they don't give out the new address and will stop forwarding your mail after a few months unless you make arrangements with them to extend it. Regardless I agree with PR and Bones...Return to sender! (written in BOLD generic print) I hope you have a peaceful Merry Christmas.

Fraidy

[JustKathy]

Thanks for the advice guys. Fraidy, the address was done by her, not forwarded by the post office. HUGE label, computer printed. (She never writes anything by hand, too personal I guess. Everything I get from her is typed, including the signature.)

I was thinking of going the zero response route, and leave her wondering if we actually received the thing. She took a huge chance in mailing a package to an address based only on matching names. Hubby and I have very common names (Dave and Kathy), so hypothetically speaking, she could have found two people with coincidentally matching names in her search. The other thing is that we still own the house in AZ. Due the the extremely depressed market there, we weren't able to sell it and had to turn it into a rental. We are still the legal owners of that house, which is a matter of public record. She REALLY jumped to conclusions over a disconnected phone number (if we hadn't moved, we were going to disconnect the land line anyway).

It's going to eat her alive not getting a response, so at some point I expect that she'll order my sister to email me and ask if I got the package, at which point I'll say, "What package?" After all, I live in AZ, and no package ever came here.

I could return it, but even if I use a label or someone else's handwriting, she'll immediately conclude that I returned it, and will use it in her smear campaign. I can hear it now ... she's dying of cancer, and her beloved daughter sent back her presents, bla bla bla. A restraining order would also be the ultimate gift for her because it would be something tangible that she could show everyone. If I let her believe that she screwed up and sent the package to two people who happen to have the same name, oh well, ooops. She lost the package, and worse for her, I got a hassle free Christmas. I never received her guilt letter, therefore, she wasn't able to "get" to me.

A little part of me also wants to know what is in the very thick guilt letter she enclosed. I may one day write a book about N mothers, and really want to publish some of her letters.

[BonesMS]

((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))

I would also respond with:  "What package?" and dump the unwanted crap somewhere.

Bones

[JustKathy]

Yes! Whatever she sent is probably little more than some socks. She always sends $2 gifts to simply act as a vehicle for the guilt letter. I'll just give whatever she sent to charity.

She won't be able to sleep at night until she has confirmation that I received the package. She didn't send the box with signature confirmation, so she'll have no way of knowing if it arrived, and who actually received it. She'll definitely have a relative contact me to verify that she ruined my Christmas, at which time I'll be able to ruin HER Christmas by letting her think that I dodged this year's guilt trip. 

[JustKathy]

It's really creeping me out that she hunted me down though. It's amazing how far they'll go to torment you. They will NOT be ignored. Period.

[teartracks]

JK,

It's not that hard to find accurate information about someone like their address, phone number, credit status (point is, nothing is private anymore) if they are willing to pay.  Would your Nmom do that?

I go for keeping the package, no acknowledgment of receiving it.  Experientially, I've found that overcoming urges to react to NFOO gives me freedom.  If you threw the package in the ocean or river without reading the ugly letter you know it contains, I believe you would feel freedom too.  I understand that not everyone is alike.  I just put this out there in the mix.  If you can use it great.  If you need to deep six it great. 

It's been said on the board before by others, "The only way to win this game is, don't play it."

Blessings,

tt



 

[BonesMS]

It's really creeping me out that she hunted me down though. It's amazing how far they'll go to torment you. They will NOT be ignored. Period.

FWIW, N's equal The Borg.

I would donate the unwanted stuff to a homeless shelter.  If it's only socks, they will be put to good use and you get the tax write-off.

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

It's really creeping me out that she hunted me down though. It's amazing how far they'll go to torment you. They will NOT be ignored. Period.

Yeah. I can understand this. And that's why I'm the devil's advocate - this time - on the ignore vs confront choice. Most of the time, I'd be right with ya on driving her crazy by saying "What package?"

How much peace will you have, wondering what's in the letter? or wondering how far she will go to torment you? Those normal human reactions are still keeping you "hooked" in the game, to my way of thinking. The uncertainty about "how far" is another form of torment, too.

Screw what other people think about you re: your alleged "desertion" of your mother in her illness!! Those people obviously have no clue and their opinion of you doesn't matter. It is still a free country (barely) and there are no laws (yet) that require you to fulfill any lists of criteria/tasks/attributes in exhange for the biological birth that made you her daughter.

That sounds a tad cold and harsh, doesn't it? Sorry about that; I do understand the crazymaking and the torture and the level of frustration you must feel (I'm still doing my own little game-dance with my mom)... I'm just trying to make the point that until you actually SAY... and writing is better for this statement... actually say the words to her, LEAVE ME ALONE... you are still playing the game and your role in it. You can always decide later, if you want to mail the letter. Just write it as if you are. Tell her specifically how far you will go to protect yourself from her crap.

There is a consciousness shift... whether it's cognitive or emotional, I can't say; so it's probably a little of both... that happens once we can passionately make that declaration. It's kinda like saying once and for all: "you can't tell me what to do, feel, or think... anymore... no matter WHAT you do I am free of being affected by it... the way you want to affect me. And it's ok to bask in that feeling a bit, too. SO THERE."

OK - nuff said from me. I know you've got the best perspective on the situation and will do what's best for you.

[Guest]

Kathy
I haven't been hunted down (it's easy to find me) but I have received rubbish thru the mail. Last time it happened, over a year ago, I took the crap item to the goodwill store. I kept a separate card as evidence of insanity (maybe it's time I should throw it away?). It used to bother me a lot, receiving such stuff. Now it doesn't/wouldn't BUT I didn't feel attacked or guilt-tripped (and the writing I received didn't attempt to do that, so far as i could tell).

Another possible approach would be to force yourself through some kind of desensitisation process. Open the package, read the letter over and over and over until you force out alllllll your fear, anger, grief and so on. Eventually you might find her efforts pathetic (they are).

((((((Kathy))))))

[lighter]

(((Kathy)))

I'd donate the gifts, and try to dispose of the letter without reading it.

Think of all the thoughts your NM will steal if you read her letter, then have to process what she wrote.

My advice to you is,
NC, NC, NC and NC.

Not for nuthin, ever.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I agree with TT and Lighter. I think it's creepy (and it highlights for me how critical it is that I respect my D's boundaries when she needs space and distance).

So, imo, don't play is best. And don't pollute your head with the letter...if you write a book about N mothers you've given a huge chunk of your future to this whole topic...brutal fate.

My advice is:

Cut out the To and From addresses and discard them.
Don't open the wrapped gifts.
Do not open the letter.
Immediately take the letter, unopened, and burn it without anger. (I mean burn it as one does with infectious material, for cleansing. Not in rage. It doesn't mean hatred, it means...this is unhealthy for me so I am going to deal with it promptly and responsibly.)
Then immediately drive to the nearest Goodwill or Salavation Army and leave the box at the door or loading dock.

Come home and take an incredibly soothing special bath, with candles, and pray something (no deity required) that wishes her well, but releases her to her own destiny.

Eat some soup.

Hops

[JustKathy]

WELL ....

I was going to take the letter and burn it, but before I had the chance Hubby informed me that he was dying of curiosity and had opened it. I haven't looked at it, and won't, but he told me what was inside. I don't why, or at what point my perspective may have changed, but I somehow managed to laugh my ass off at it.

He said that the letter was pretty brief. She sent some photos of herself with her shaved head to drive home the point that she's "dying of cancer." Very little was said in the letter other than pleading with us to come and visit them both before they die. But here's where it gets good. She included a check for $500. She closed the letter by saying, "Hope you're enjoying your new house," which can best be translated as, "Ha Ha, I found your new address!"

So here's my thoughts on it. She can't possibly believe that I'm going to come visit after being NC for so many years, nor does she want me to. But she's certain that I'll run to the bank and cash that check. Cashing the check will 1) Provide her with proof that she did in fact find my house and that I got the package, and 2) Gives her pity party material on Christmas Day. "Waaaaaa. Kathy cashed my check and didn't even thank me. Why is she so mean to me?"

So I told hubby to tear up the check and throw it out. We're really hurting right now, and sure could have used that money, but I'd rather go hungry than accept dirty money. So the check has been destroyed, and she'll just have to wonder what happened.

I also find it downright hysterical that she apparently has placed a dollar value on me. My brother has received millions in cars, education, houses, and is sole heir in their will (meaning he'll get the only remaining item, their house). I get .... $500!!!! Wow!!!!! There's simply no way to get inside the mind of an N, but it does leave me wondering if she's able to see the absurd inequity here. Does she justify it in her mind as the golden child being worth millions, and me being worth nothing .... OR .... is she not really cognizant of it, and believes that she's treating us equally? If only their brains could be dissected and the answers could be found.

Anyway, long story short, I'm oddly okay with this, even amused by it. It's so desperate, so laughable, that it's not hurting me. Maybe I've somehow been liberated by the knowledge that I am officially disinherited. There isn't anything at stake, so to speak. My therapists have always encouraged me to maintain *some* contact, just in case I might get some inheritance, which would serve as a small bit of restitution for my pain and suffering. I now know with 100% certainty that I'm not getting a dime when they die, so I have nothing to lose, and can now laugh at their desperate attempts. The things that they've done to me in the past will haunt me for the rest of my life, but for some reason, this year's Christmas Box of Doom managed to entertain me. Does that sound weird?