Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Anyone here think they are CoDependent?
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Ales! I still have work to do on allowing myself to EXPECT a return-giving before I give more... and more... I've been programmed to "not need", "not expect", not ask and also to politely decline... anyone's gifts to (or interest in) me. From that lowly position, I generally give a flood more than what was asked of me, initially. Not to mention that I can be genuinely needy in that situation!
That pattern has bit me in the butt in over-compensation, being the go-to volunteer, being used, a high level of stress & exhaustion, and a belief that I had to continually prove my competency and my genuine caring - no matter what it cost me - to others... and that someday, maybe... that caring would be returned. N-ex#2 even told me directly that we were a perfect match, precisely because I took care of all his needs and expected nothing in return. That was shortly before I fled in horror that I was literally suffocating and dying and giving up my whole life - for nothing.
All this was because my Nmom's promise of caring about me was based solely on how much I did for her; how I took care of her. She made caring a merchant's bargain... and she didn't "pay up". I kept hoping that I'd find the right combination or some miracle would happen. Duh. Even while I resented and felt trapped in the one-way relationship.
I'm sure while working on this, I've overcompensated to the other extreme too. I'm trying to find the balance, the middle path on this now. And that's part of my current discomfort with my current hubs -- trying to find the space where I'm inviting him to take care of me, without it being harshly demanded due to me being desperately needy... or resenting his needs for my attention. I literally don't know how to do this because I have very little experience that's been recorded in my brain-grooves. There is my unconditional love for my Ds... there are some people who were outside my FOO that generously made a difference... I do connect with people easily. And I like people and generally believe that people are good and do the right thing, most of the time. Fortunately this hubs isn't an N; he comes from a very caring, supportive and giving family and he understands this crap I've been through. Where we get lost in confusion, I think, is when I misread his motivations or throw it against the brain-groove patterns of what I've lived with most of my life and try to force it into that pattern. It's the damn pattern that's flawed, and it's probably time to either trashcan it or redraw it.
Thanks for bringing up this topic, Ales. What revelations are you getting from your reading? Can you piece them together yet?
sKePTiKal:
Hi Kay... unsolicited advice coming your way...
First, I've been keeping up with your Members' board posts. I second Hops' advice that you can wrap your arms around and comfort and listen to your child self and that even if it feels rediculous at first... some good will come of this. I did this kind of therapy; that's who "Twiggy" is. For now, just practicing this - setting aside 5 or 10 mins a day to do this, religiously (and making up the time, if your normal appt is interrupted) - is like preventative medicine. A wellness practice. It can happen while you're journalling... or at a different time. There's more you can do with that child-self - but not until you look forward to your hug sessions and it feels good... and you're used to it. Both have to want to do this. And your child self might understandably be a bit shy and tentative and frightened. A couple weeks of practice... and you might start noticing that your child self shows up in your attention/awareness... kind of like a Tinker-Bell presence. Then you know you're ready to move on.
AND, most importantly, it's OK to not push yourself, take your time and allow yourself to simply put the work down and give yourself a "time-out" from the work. Practice self-care... and up the amount of it a little. Be a hermit, if that feels attractive. Be social and just take what you know... what you're learning with you... and try to relax and just have fun for a few weeks. The heavy-lifting will wait for you to be ready. You'll be just fine.
It's OK. Everything's all right. There are no rules and no "right" way to heal... but do know that the healing is real, even if it happens in such a way that we don't see it, except in retrospect.
KayZee:
Hops & P.R.---->Thank you so much for the support & advice. It's a tremendous comfort during a rather tough period.
--- Quote ---An inner child isn't a concept.
--- End quote ---
You are quite right, there. Have this terrible habit (desperately trying to break it) of intellectualizing everything. Suppose it's some old coping mechanism carried over from the past: in the absence of information, it helped to search desperately for meaning, concoct theories about why things happened and why FOO behaved as they did. That kind of thinking has long since stopped being helpful; it's rather detrimental.
I would love to get to this point:
--- Quote ---you might start noticing that your child self shows up in your attention/awareness... kind of like a Tinker-Bell presence.
--- End quote ---
I'll definitely try journaling from IC's perspective. Can't really imagine any other way of accessing her. Another age-old habit: easiest, always, to confide in print.
lots of love to you all
and thank you, Kay x
Lupita:
The need for approval is codependency too. It does not have to be controlling other people. It could be allow other people to walk all over you just to get a little bit of "love". That is codependency too.
Anybody here with that problem? Feeling uncomfortable because someone did not to to you? or because someone gave you a look? suffering because you do not belong to a group?
That is codependency too.
I think I am overcoming all that because this Christmas I spent all 25th alone with my son and felt very very happy. We went to the movies, I prepared dinner for him and felt very very happy. Did not need anybody else. Today I am going to visit a coda group to see what is about.
sunblue:
I must say before I read this thread, I thought I understand what co-dependency was. But now I'm a bit confused. My dad is completely Co-D in my opinion. His entire life is governed by my Nmom, has built no relationships with anyone else, will go along with whatever she wants and failed to protect any of his children from the N. He needs her to do everything for him and will not make a decision on his own. To me, that's Co-D.
However, there are some characteristics mentioned in this thread that I know I have and am wondering if that is true Co-D. For example, I know I desperately want to "matter". Because of that, I want some measure of acknowledgement, some "return" on all that I do. I am overly generous to people, perhaps out of a need for approval, for an indication of "interest in me". In my career, I have always gone above and beyond and, as a result, get used and taken advantage of...I am not able to set boundaries with employers for fear they will take away the part of my work I love.
But I tend to think if I were really Co-D, I wouldn't fight the Narcissism so hard. I would be like my dad and just go along and do so happily. I would succumb to whatever the N wanted, believed, felt....but I don't. That's why, perhaps, I didn't turn out to be an N like my GC sister. That is also why I am in such a bad emotional state. Instead, I succumbed to lifelong depression...perhaps that is acute grief??
So ultimately I'm left confused. I don't know what is Co-Dependency and what is just behavior of victims of N trying to make sense of it, trying to make things right. I know I struggle with that the most.....The ideal of "fairness" (between the GC and others), the idea that everyone's opinions should matter (not just the Ns). But isn't what the non-Co-D and non-N would feel?
Like others, I guess I don't understand where the line is----between true co-dependency and the normal strugles of a viction of Ns.
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