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Anyone here think they are CoDependent?

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BonesMS:
Another good read are books by John Bradshaw.  I've been to one of his workshops, which started my healing process as it helped me put a NAME on a lot of what was going on.

Bones

Ales2:
JustKathy - Read both your posts, thank you so much.  I'd recommend the book - especially the one (CoDependent No More) with the characteristics. If you meet them or identify with them, it might be helpful.  Its possible that you married two Ns just as bad luck (i.e they kept their real selves hidden until marriage) and not because of Co-dependency. The premise of co-dependency that is interesting is that abusive situations, get us to denigrate ourselves as a coping mechanism for survival and I certainly did that growing up.

Phoenix - All good observations - thank you! As for your question, I think one can show caring and intimacy with boundaries, and reciprocation. In other words, when you are not getting back what you think you deserve for your efforts, the answer is just to leave it as it is, and accept that graciously, not give more trying to "get it" to come back to you. Another way is give only what you can without expecting anything in return, asking for the return is controlled giving and is actually manipulating others.  Giving expecting a return and Giving more when there is no return -thats when it crosses the dark side, IMHO.  This is what I've come to understand.

Bones - Awesome, thank you. Did you have to do much work to change patterns or was the awareness enough for you? The Bradshaw books are also awesome.

TearTracks - thank you! I'm ordering the workbooks now too, they look helpful. And its totally possible that acceptance of Co-dependent behaviors and recognizing that we are all a little co-dependent at time is OK.  Better to be aware and work around it when its not possible to work on it or change it too much. :)

KayZee:
I'm definitely going to check out some of these books...

Maybe this sounds strange(?), but I think I've often swung between co-dependent and counter-dependent behaviors?  In the past, I was very co-dependent with my FOO; it was hard for me to set boundaries with them and I desperately wanted to support them/fix their problems, etc.  At the same time, I was very counter-dependent in my friendships and romantic relationships; it was (and occasionally still is) really hard to let people in, ask for help (as a kid I learned, why ask for help when you'll be shamed or punished for it?), confide my feelings, convince myself that it's safe to get close to other people.

 Have probably gone most my life swinging between clinging to people and pushing them away, between letting myself get invaded by people or hiding my real self away so I wouldn't get invaded.  What a mess.  Don't really know how to break the cycle.

Kay

Ales2:
Hi Kay - Check out these books - they might be able to give you some insight. One of the things with co-dependence is the back and forth and cyclical nature of not having more defined sense of self and boundaries. Maybe that is some of what you have been going through?

For me, Co-dependence as a reaction to an N Mother is one of my newest discoveries and its really giving me practical hope for my future.

Good luck to you!

Hopalong:
I think a little compassion for Kay is in order!

From

Kay.

(You got mine/ours. You need to talk to that bullied inner child with all the love you can muster...over time, you'll discover it's not just safe to love her, it's delightful. It'll expand your spirit, your sense of belonging not just in the world but with yourself--after you comfort her and you begin playing together. My advice is not to create a separate story, re-enter the present and real nature of your child self which is amazing and wonderful even if there was sadness. Stick close, know the greeting/meeting of your little-girl self is not meeting a fictional character, it's just saying Hello, there you are. Don't be afraid. I am here for you now....)

Long story shorter. An inner child isn't a concept. And the child is not dead.

xo
Hops

PS (so glad you watched Buck...it moved me a lot, he GETS it, about people as much as animals)

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