Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Holidaze
sunblue:
Oh, how I envy you being able to leave the country!!! Christmas escalates the dysfunction and narcissism to unbelieveable lengths. I can't stand it....I want to scream at the top of my voice...
This year, for the first time ever, I put my foot down and insisted that I host the annual dysfunctional Christmas Eve celebration. My brother always hosts it and everything must be his way. All my life, I've been the one to compromise, to give in, to go along.....No one in my N family ever considers my feelings or what I want.....Not a surprise.
This year, when I insisted, you'd think I asked them to kill their first born. I received all these emails from my bro and sister-in-law about all the reasons they should continue to host it. I held my ground. It wasn't about the dinner or anything. It was about me insisting that my feelings be acknowledged.
Not surprising, it all fell apart. My mom starts crying and complaining that her leg is bothering her and no one understands....that Christmas is a nightmare every year and SHE never has a good holiday...that no one appreciates what she does...You know, the "N" "Me, Me, Me". My favorite comment was my co-enabler Dad, who told me it was my fault for changing things this year...and that the ONLY person that matters is my mom. That says it all, doesn't it?
So.....looks like, my brother will be hosting it again...just like he's always wanted it. My mom will get tons of mileage from this little emotional outburst from my Co-D dad......and I will most likely spend Christmas Eve and Christmas in a hotel by myself-------which, in the end, will be much better than the dysfunctional mess the holiday would have turned out to be.
At the end of the day, what I learned, is that I don't matter. If I ever doubted it for a second, this year told me everything I needed to know. My dad, who was critically ill this year....and for whom I spent 6 months spending every single night sleeping on a hard chair next to his bed in the hospital, after working all day long....Yes, my dad, tells me what I've really always known, that I don't matter, and that "the only person that matters is my mom."
How I wish I were out of the country! Narcissism runs soooo deep....but you know, I know the co-dependency runs even deeper and cuts just as deep.
sunblue:
My little update. As usual, I was forced to cave. So, I called my brother and told him he "won", he gets to host the holiday just like he always wanted. Oh, it gets better. Then, because my "poor, injured" mom who shed her crocodile tears to great effect wants to dictate the menu, I had to cancel the food arrangements I had made and then I get to go and pick up the food my mom wanted....Then, I get to deliver it to the door of my brother's house....
Oh yes, and as I'm making these arrangements, my dad, who told me "the only person who matteris is my Mom", says, "Thank you. Your poor mom is hurting."
My second favorite comment: When I call my bro to tell him the new change of plans, that yes, virginia, you now win and get what you wanted all along, he says, with all kinds of fake convern, "Why? What happened?" Really? You make such a big deal the one and only time I insist on not being disrespected or disregarded and you ask Why?
Since I really can't fathom my sitting in the same room with these people...I'm thinking I will do these little errands and then bid them all a good riddance and head to a hotel.
Not really sue if it will be worth the angst it will cause.....but I know being alone in a hotel room would be far superior to the anger and hurt and resentment I will feel.
Next year, for sure, I'm going out of the country.
Ho, Ho, Ho.
JustKathy:
--- Quote ---The competition for him was lost before I was born, her demands were too huge for one man to fill and also be a protector for me. It would have split him in two.
--- End quote ---
That's so well said Hops. There's probably a good deal of truth to that. In the case of my co-father, he managed to split himself in two to accommodate both his N-wife and his GC's every whim and "need." He just wasn't able to protect his daughter, and that's what hurts. In our family, it was NM comes first, GC comes second .... and ..... who's that girl?
Sunblue, I'm so sorry that the N won again. They are such master manipulators. I told myself easily 20 years in a row that I wouldn't go, and they got to me every time, and managed to get me there kicking and screaming. It was a VERY long before I had the strength to put the brakes on for good and say "no more." All you can do is keep trying. Here's to next Christmas being a time of peace for you.
Meh:
sfalken:
The damned if ya do and damned if ya don't feeling you are describing on here is something that I relate with.
In the past I've tried NC with father, mother, brother. Seems that limited contact is the most likely. NC is just hard to maintain but I know what you mean, when I'm around my family there is a burden of unresolved stuff that lingers in the heart like a sliver that just isn't gonna come out.
Peace, happy Holidays, Good luck
sunblue:
Happy Holidays Everyone!
I just wanted to send out a big thank-you to everyone on this board, especially those who are patient enough to read my vents and rants and struggles and who take the time to respond to them. I just realized that I've been on this board for a number of years now and it is truly a life saver. I keep thinking that maybe I won't need it anymore...but somehow I do. The holidays bring out the very worst of the dysfunction in my familiy and this year was perhaps the worst....so I come here for comfort, for empathy, for acknowledgement and understanding and I am never disappointed by your generosity and that of Dr. Grossman who so selfishly provides this outlet. I am eternal grateful. Some might say it's sad that I depend on those who I've never even met....but I just look at it as a blessing. I need this board especially during this Holiday season when my clinical depression is at its height and triggered by the dysfunction of the holidays.
My wish is that we all can survive these holidays intact...and that we can find the strength in 2012 to move past the life-changing circumstances that the Ns in our lives have caused. I know I need to be reminded that I matter, that my feelings and opinions count. I don't have anyone offline who can acknowledge that. Indeed, they continuously confirm just the opposite...that I don't. So the people here provide a more healthy reality check.
Thanks again and I hope that you will be spending the holiday with good friends and non-N family who can provide you a measure of the happiness and joyful spirit that the holiday is all about.
Sunblue :P
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