holidays (hellidays) with N parents

[Anonymous]

As the holidays approach, I'll bet I'm not the only one filled with a sense of duty and dread.  I wonder if there are any thoughts about how to survive the holidays with N parents?  Stillstanding

[Portia]

Hi Still Standing

My parents showed such little duty or interest towards me, I don't feel obligated any more. I don't go. I don't even call them on The day any more. If they want to wish me happy whatever, they can call me right? There's nothing stopping them from calling me is there? Guess what - they don't call. We're all adults now. I don't accept the 'blame' for things not being the way they want. It just makes me sad, which is far preferable to seeing either of them. Sad is better than mad! P

[Anonymous]

How I survived family get-togethers when I was more traumatized by my parents:

(1) Devised strategies and plans in advance (which you're doing).

(2) Brought stuffed animals, phone numbers of friends/therapist, music I liked on a walkman.

(3) Gave myself permission to leave and go home if I felt abused or unable to handle it anymore.

(4) Gave myself rewards afterward.

(5) Back then, went to 12-step meeting and vented about it.

One special note: If your mother does anything to abuse your husband, I would first warn her that you will leave if she does it again. If she does it again, leave. It doesn't matter if you live 3000 miles away. Leave immediately and go home. This is the only way she will learn. Plus you shouldn't tolerate abuse from anyone and that includes her. Abusing your husband is the same as abusing you and your children.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Stillstanding,
For my part, I have decided to stop going to any family gatherings (BTW congratulations for the word HELLidays, such a good choice ! ).
I told my Mum and Dad that because of the "dynamics within such a  dysfunctionnal family", it is better for my "psychic balance" to stay away from the whole thing.
In the same manner, I see now my parents separately  b/c  the dynamics of their couple in my presence is not healthy: they would constantly fight to get their N supply from me, and it makes me feel uncomfortable (last time they did not stop fighting at the restaurant..).
When I thougt about it, I noticed that in the same manner, they would fight about the cat to get their N supply from her... As a result the cat has developped a strange behavior, as soon as someone gets up from a chair, the cat would take this person's chair, whereas the person was sitting to have dinner or was working on the computer. That clearly shows that the poor cat cannot find a stable place, just like me!!  
So no Hellidays for me anymore, I have made the "announcement" quite official, now    ...
-ResilientLady

[Anonymous]

Holidays...  bah humbug.  

[Anonymous]

This is the first year I will send no gifts whatsoever to my family. Last year they were so ungrateful for the gifts from the grandchildren. I won't put my kids thru that again.

I feel free making that decision. Makes getting ready for the holidays so much better. No moments spent trying to come up with a gift that pleases.

My gift to myself - no more relationship with the N mom or N dad.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate your insights and all your suggestiosn, and Bunny, I especially appreciate your encouragment to not tolerate any abuse toward my H.  Seeker and Resialient Lady, your comments made me laugh until I cried.  Loved the part about the poor confused cat, RL, and the part about being in a stupid Christmas movie, seeker.  It all reminds me of the movie Home for the Holidays, where the assembled family can barely tolerate each other.  Anyway, thanks for your support , insight and suggestions.  Stillstanding