Physical Boundaries with an N?

[BonesMS]

Hi Bones,

Man, you're right there...Definitely no real friend there!  It's hard enough to deal with an N-parent, without drawing N-friends into our sphere too.  It's like they can sniff us children of Ns out...but then I suppose we are drawn to them too (feels familiar).  Anyway, as the years pass and the healing continues, have you found it easier to find friendships with true intimacy/empathy and give-and-take?  I'm still working on this one.  Really hard to open up to friends sometimes, I've had bad experiences w/N-friends too in the past.

Hops,

Thank you for the link!  Assertive language/behavior often feels like Swahili to me.  Mentioned on the other thread, in my FOO there was only aggressiveness/anger or passive stoicism.  Finding something in between is my life-long struggle.  It would be nice to find a place where I could practice being calm but strong and firm.

Kay x

Thanks, Kay!  My ability to make friends with healthy people is still a work in progress.

Bones

[Hopalong]

You're welcome, KZ, hope it's really useful!

Bones, I hear that.
I am really quite blown away at times by my ability to zoom in on the Ns in a room like a heat-seeking missle.
Ooo, sparkly!
Banter, o boy!
Dazzling chat, must be my type!
O my, how attractive!
Whee!
Wow, the energy in here is so intense!
Yay, drama!

I think it's the Nspots in myself added to my Dances With Ns training...I swear, I feel like Kevin Costner. Ah-wooooooooooooo.
I SPEAK N. I UNDERSTAND the needs of an N, I even take (still) some pleasure in giving supply...and I've got my own shadow-N (observed and absorbed) from being a good little CiNderella for so long.

Mercifully, these days, the little NON-N me, the inner (lower-case) person who's more like Dad (who in addition to Co-D was also kind, and I flatter myself that I am as well, at least basically) ... is quicker to poke her head up these days, smell the smoke (usually a few beats late) and try to get out of the way of the fire.

I get my eyebrows singed regularly from getting too close, but I no longer feel truly blind.

Happy new Year!

Hops

[debkor]

Hi KayZee,

Anyway, now that NM sees that her emotional bullying tactics aren't having a visible effect, she's started being really physical when she sees me.  She tries to physically intimidate me:

hmmm  ! Interesting.  Your NM was never a *huggy* physical person until (her emotional tactics) didn't work any longer.   

Same here for my N friend.  She couldn't bully me or intimidate me More then Aggravate and Piss me Off to no end (still got me emotionally) but when that no longer worked out came the Big Ole (grab and bear hug) which she never did before and now did to me(as she does to everyone now) so Fake but a new tactic.

I went stiff and was very uncomfortable.  Let me go.   Back off.  I'm telling you to back off or I will back you off.  Then she let go.  My emotional was still strong  boundary but her Phoney Tactic and the Big Nards she grew to Physical get in my space....That was to much for me.  My voice was sharp, meant, and without anger  but meant ..She let go or she would have been on her ass. 

I was surprised to see you write this because N friend did this not to long ago.  Geesh they are such Creepers!

Deb

[Guest]

Hey Freshwater,

what's Kay going to do the day she comes at you, or one of your family, with a big meat knife? Such things happen and they happen to ordinary people; nice, good, ordinary people who don't want to believe they have a complete nutter in the family.

You're absolutely right on that one.  I should preface this by saying, I know the following is going to sound completely dysfunctional/screwed-up, letting abuse/fear rule my life etc...  But, I maintain minimal contact with NM because I think there would be an EVEN GREATER chance of her coming at me with a meat cleaver if I cut off contact.  If I stopped returning her calls, told her I didn't want to see her, it's not hard to imagine a scenario in which she snatches my children or finds some other way to come after me.

I don't really know how much NM is capable of or if it's all talk, but I've heard her say some really criminal/lawless/violent things in the past five years.  She's talked about plans to take my niece over state lines, violating the terms of my sister/ex-bro in law's divorce agreement in the process, for all intents and purposes abducting her.  Back in the days when NM didn't like my sister's boyfriend, she talked repeatedly about how she was going to hire a hitman to kill him.  Twisted delusional stuff.  But, to my knowledge, just fantasy.  I have heard my enabling Co-N father call her "dangerous" on multiple occasions, but I don't really know if that speaks to her power or his weakness.

Hi Kay

thanks for your reply. One thought: maybe you could practice (for real, with a friend maybe) what you might do in a dangerous situation with her. Act out actually restraining her, or protecting yourself? Might make it easier to act if it ever became necessary. And no, what you said doesn't sound screwed up. You don't want to create a stalker. Take care.