Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Wail o' the week
Hopalong:
This is a VERY productive place to wail. :)
Thanks, y'all.
Boat, that was an amazing lyric. And absolutely bone-clear sight of me. Thank you. Your advice to play, even if it's sort of "fooling" the mind into wanting and caring again...really makes sense for me. Thanks. You're right.
KZ, this may sound dumb but having someone just tell me I'm good, and kind, is really helpful. It's like, that reassurance helps me calm down the critical voice in my head that thinks, oh yeah, you can be compassionate and all, but here are all these lacks (got a legal pad handy?). You just remind me that sometimes it's enough to be as good as one can. Thank you for the kindness.
PR, that's a great anecdote about your friend needing to develop her own "win-result" -- and having that really be all about herself. Amazing what a huge assignment that is for folks with toxic mothers. But that's it, really is. I understand your cocoon thing too and believe there's no "should not cocoon" going on...I just slowly learned that my cocoon was becoming a little like the frog's comfy pot of cold water. I got SO comfortable being isolated and sedentary, for years...that the effort it takes now to haul myself out, is daunting. But I'm doing it bit by bit.
Bones, this time of year I get motivated to meet nice men. So far, for the last few years, I do it a couple times and turn myself off again. This year I hope I'll have more patience with the process. Want neither too little nor too much. So, I'm on an online thing, and nice men send me notes, not a flood (too old, most men rule one out) but enough. This month, I decided to respond to a couple, even wrote to one. So I have a date for a glass of wine with a retired actor this week, after work (that's always the challenge, to motivate myself after a 9-hour day to go do another thing before I get back to my cocoon)...and in a couple weeks another one, a retired professor, who lives a few hours' away so we're going to meet in a town halfway in between. I have another old friend there so she and I will play for a few hours first.
I am automatically skeptical of actors but that's not fair and he's clearly bright and interesting. I really do enjoy meeting people so that part is almost always fun, as long as I just relax and stay in the present. The professor is a widower and pretty nervous, but clearly from his writing a sweet person. So for both, I think it'll be fine. Just practice, just practice... No plan or agenda, I want to actually experience the moments I'm in with them. (When I've done it in the past with a big fantasy--very hard to not have it kick in way before it makes any sense--it always backfires into anxious stuff. Thiis time, I neither want to fall in love nor avoid falling in love. I just want to have the glass of wine and be there. Be present there and then. Not really much before, and after will take care of itself.)
hugs all,
Hops who had a Happy Sunday (but really appreciate the safe place to wail yesterday)
sKePTiKal:
Sounds good, Hops.
There is a drawback or disadvantage to the cocoon phase - and I struggle with it myself (in case ya hadn't guessed). That is that the only input around me... is me. I'm not always my best friend nor do I always mother myself that well and well, one brain is just one brain and I think humans are designed to function better (brainwise) in collaboration with others. By now, I think I've honed my N-radar skills plenty... and I worry a lot less about falling into another one of those "traps"... so while I'm not exactly knocking on people's doors proposing "lets do something"... I'm also not the shrinking violet, content to just people watch all the time. The fears are diminishing.
I'm getting more and more convinced, that there can be a serious growth spurt in some of us at an age when previous generations just resigned themselves to "who they were" and gave up, let go... all expectations of new and interesting experiences. And the more willing we are to let our old selves (and beliefs about ourselves) go... change... adapt... the more energy there is to "move on", already. I figure, if there are things I've always wanted to do or be... well, at my age I'd best be getting on with doing 'em!! (A sequel, if you like, the first half century's sob story...)
teartracks:
Dear Hops,
I mentioned a few weeks ago in another thread (don't remember which) how the members on this board had influenced me by example. So many times, you have been there with your calm words of wisdom from your, kind, understanding heart. You are consistently comforting and inspiring. You've set a good example for me as I walked through the fog. Thank you. I agree with KZ, all the way.
Love,
tt
lighter:
Hops:
I SO identify with you on the self care, motivation, moving your life forward section: /
I wish we lived closer..... so much easier to address other people's stuff.
For me, everything in the house has some attachment. Old things. Forgotten things. Paperwork things are all charged with emotions, but I'm very good at getting things done for other people, but one box of old photos can derail my day.
About the housemate situation, I think your roomate should have come to you before having this other person begin hanging out in the space, like a 3rd roomate. It's one thing to have her there when the the roomie's there.... quite another to just leave her on her own. Not fair, IMO.
If she wants to move in, that should be a discussion, and it should require another share of rent, and expenses.
((Hops)) Sorry about sadness for d. I'm really hoping this is a tremendous time of growth for her.
::blowing big wet raspberry at your boss::
Jerk.
Happy New Year, my friend, and may your dates be interesting if not just what you wanted; )
Lighter
teartracks:
Hops,
You know I don't lack for opinions, but they're just opinions not decrees :lol:.
It may or may not be too late to address the situation with your housemate, but if it isn't these are things (in addition to the regular stuff) I'd address in a written agreement. I don't know how to write in legalese - hope the gist of what I'm trying to say isn't too scrambled.
1) Requirement for additional people to move in - written consent from me. If consent is given additional rent at a rate of $_____per person per week/month would be required. Without written consent, you have the right to collect (a specified amount, say $35* per day) from each additional non-paying person in court at their expense. 2) Requirement for more than 1 vehicle (per paying renter) to be parked on premesis - written consent from me. Without written consent, additional vehicle(s) may not be parked on premisis over night. Violatior's vehicles would be towed at owner's expense. (3) Making an exception on any part of the contract does not nullify the contract.
There are lots of variations on this theme. The contracts are a way to keep things in decent order. My experience is that if it isn't addressed in written form with signatures the 'boundaries' get really blurred and feelings get hurt and everyone loses.
BTW, I think these agreements should be fair from all sides and they can be.
tt
* Motel 6 rate!
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