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Wail o' the week

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Hopalong:
PR, TT, Lighter, Boat, thank you.

PR, I hear you on the growth spurt. I think old age should be incandescent. Well, low-emitting diode, but you get the idea.

TT, your kindness is a freshwater ocean. Thank you. You offer it over and over and I'm each time lifted.

Lighter, thank you for the cheer and the raspberry! I hope this winter feels hopeful and hearth-ful and healing for you.

Boat, date report: The "nice but nervous" professor made a date with another woman, committed to exclusivity with her immediately, canceled ours. I wrote him I felt a little hurt and dismissed (he was cold and formal), wished them well. (Advised him to read--surprise!-- A Fine Romance. Maybe they'll make it!) Ta ta, over that.
The actor was as I knew he'd be: very smart, very interesting. Also very open. Told me a lot about himself and his tumultuous life. Attractive. The kicker: he is alcoholic. Difference: 2.5 years sober, completely clear about it, zero denial, and obviously "working the program." Even so, gives me serious pause. Another: As part of his amends, mentioned writing his ex that he knew she'd experienced him as nearly "malevolent." I asked about that a bit later and he said No, he meant "mean spirited." (Either ain't good; and she doesn't speak to him now.) He's attractive, gracious, courteous and engaging company. Asked me out again. I'll probably go, just to have fun. But perhaps I should make a different judgment. My cautions to myself, which are good to record here:

--if you're active alcoholic for 50 years, you're not fully adult (since much formative time was spent in primary relationship with booze)
--people tell you the truth about themselves when you very first meet them and it's very important to believe what they say
--so, he told me he was mean in his marriage (made clear he was never physical, I believed him). But mean-spirited, which he attributed partly to doing the acting thing...which he said he left because it was so self-obsessive, became loathsome, was shallow, didn't like the way people were so self-absorbed...I believe that too
--so, he told me he was mean in his marriage
--so, he told me he was mean in his marriage (he had a few criticisms of her but then said he didn't want to go there; clearly it was a miserable mess)
--so, he told me he was mean in his marriage

There was nothing mean or cold in his demeanor with me. But that was first date. I also found him quite honest. And, here's the danger zone for me--he has an absolutely fascinating life story. (The writer in me loves the drama.) Oh, I almost skipped the reddest flag of all.

--His mother was crazy. In and out of institutions. So he grew up with that as his strongest female model. A terror figure. Terror and pain. (Only other man I've known with that kind of mother was like an abused dog. Frantic for love but so terrified he'd snarl. I knew I couldn't blame him but also didn't want to take it on.)
--He became hypervigilant (hence, perhaps, a critical spirit? He described "detesting" his lazy son in law, but on further description, guy sounds like a benevolent slacker who is actually a great house-husband and father). Words like "detest" alarm me a bit.
--He's been an emotional wreck in the past.

Positives:
--He's sober.
--He seems to own stuff.
--He has done a lot of work on himself.
--He has a fascinating story.
--He seems to have renounced a lot of awful stuff and desribes his deep contentment with what he does now...a physical job, cowoker a refugee he's been helping and teaching, living in a beautiful place, grandkid-sitting, traveling a bunch (I could see some compatibilities in present lifestyles)

I wonder, though, if my ghosts would fear his ghosts.

Advice welcome!

xo
Hops

lighter:
Hops:

I love the way you pay attention to detail, and to your feelings/intuition/reactions.

It's seems likely you'll enjoy another date, and that you'll continue paying attention.

My advice: 

Don't dismiss any flags, or make the first excuse for poor behavior,

and,

of course.......


remember to enjoy yourself: ) 

Lighter

Meh:
Your ghosts already do fear his ghosts.

I'm reading Hops!

You inspire me. I would say try to find some additional guys to date at the same time that is the strategy that I get out of my advice articles and dating books. That way you don't put too much weight on any one guy.

I'm glad you had fun. It's intriguing getting to know people even if the person is not a potential partner.

Sorry, but my gut instinct says don't allow yourself to get romantically dragged into this Actor no matter how exciting his drama is.
We are looking for love right? Not the lack of it, not so much drama that it clouds any love that comes through.

Hay but it's all up to you...

Happy to hear about your dating!!! Did you go out for dinner? What did you wear???

sKePTiKal:
Well, Hops... I gotta say that this former actor-guy sounds a lot like "one o' us" on the board. And perhaps, since there is evidence that he's actively working on his life... blooming later... I could be tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe even see him on a regular basis for a while... with a lot of boundaries in place, just in case. We are examples of how people can change, right? Other people can and do, too.**

I like Boat's suggestion for you - to date some other guys too - and I would keep repeating to "Sean Connery" that you're only dating at this point... you're not looking for a "relationship" with anyone at the moment (this is a definite boundary) - here's why:

You have enough on your plate right now with "complicated" relationships. Period. You don't need to slide into any new ones.

With that one simple boundary... there is plenty of room to explore, watch, feel, spend time with another person. But, it's YOUR boundary and it helps you remember that the exit is well-lit and only a few steps away. It also reminds him, that he doesn't call the shots... tempers his expectations... and in that one little boundary, tells him you respect yourself enough - to not get lulled into any  situations where strings become attached... until YOU'RE ready. [you can always change your mind later...]


**People can and do change. My hubs had two disastrous marriages, mostly because he so loves women and couldn't keep his hands off. I told him early on... that given the era I grew up in (and my own alley-cat history)... I didn't have a lot of hangups about monogamy -- but that I really didn't want to know about it. I told him to lie to me, in other words. Because I absolutely enjoy being with him, care about him... and as long as he remained in relationship with me... I was fine.

Now, I can't get half a day to myself unless I leave the house!! He has no individual social life, activities... he's stuck to me like glue. Be careful what you wish for???

Anyway, I completely understand that you are being reasonable listening to your ghosts... acknowledging his ghosts... this too, is something that happened early with hubs & me. And it gives us some common understanding and compassion... an emotional comprehension of the other that I guess is one reason why (it's gonna be 12 yrs this fall) we're still together. Understand, I was terrified that my own judgement (given 2 N-exs) was flawed and I was never giddily head over heels comfortable & relaxed... for more than a moment or two at once. But it's been a great 12 years... even with all the life-crap we've been through. It's been way easier to go through it with him right there next to me.

NOW enough o' that... what did you wear, Hops? And - when do you think you'll hear from him about going out again? Is he cute? Distinguished? Does he have a sense of humor, perspective? Does he "play"????

Hopalong:
I wore a big wooly sweater and black jeans...it was verrrrry cold out.
(It's a luscious sweater.) I do put in some extra effort (no spinach in
teeth, brush hair, nicer clothes)...but avoid making a first date a big
dress-up thing. Because my wardrobe is what it is and I'd rather be
pretty similar to my normal self.

And I just met him at the nice restaurant I've mentioned here,
that I can reach fairly easily on my way home after 9 hours. So...
work clothes. Great food...I devoured my pasta primavera.

Boat, I think your gut is right. My head is attracted to him (the story).
(Forgot to mention he's also physically attractive, fit, lovely shoulders,
lean, and nice face.) Some of his roles have been "senator" etc. He
was a boxer when he was young. Yikes. But...I understood it when
he talked about it. (Never the striking another person part, I'll never
ever get that, but he was explaining how his hypervigilance helped him
be pretty good.) He's masculine. Prrr. Pleasant to be around that.

I think non-exclusivity and dating more than one person for a while
are very good innoculants against fantasy. I don't want to fantasize.
Don't even know if anything will happen "next" and I don't want to
preoccupy with "will he call". It's not important. If he doesn't, that's
good. If he does, that's fine too. I can answer what feels right then.
I can also contact him. Or not. Not feeling internal pressure about it.

He asked if I'd like to go hear jazz sometime and I said I would go.
I gave him my cell number. He urged me to join him on FB, I said,
sorry. I don't feel like I'm waiting for him to ask me out
again. I am just not interested in fantasizing. I'm interested in what
actually happens. Or doesn't. In the present. Seeing what I learn
and how it feels. (The jumpy professor who went off the rails before
we even said hello? I'm relieved. I think he was more self-absorbed
than the actor.)

PR, no signs of much humor or playfulness -- but then, acting is playful.
He was in a major accident and in rehab they directed him to drama therapy.
He fell in love with it. He'd never acted until his 50s and it's remarkable how
much success he had.

I just realized, PR, that what I'm describing is the lack of flirting.
I didn't want to flirt. I laughed and smiled and he did too, but it
was because we were enjoying a pretty animated discussion. He was
telling his life story though...and it wasn't a comical one. So laughs were
brief. But the storytelling, and the listening, were good. He talked a good
deal and I encouraged him to -- twice he mentioned that he didn't want
it to be all about him. That showed consciousness of not wanting to be a
monologuist (and from the other stuff he'd said he's clearly figured out that
he is, can be, was for a long time...self absorbed). I told enough of my story,
much as I wanted to.

I am not grim in approach but I think flirtatiousness and play is too early for
me at this point. I need for two adults to speak clearly and speak a lot, before
that safe feeling kicks in. Slow feels good.

I enjoyed his company quite a lot. And he looked pretty pleased too. So
we'll see. He may chicken out and not follow up. Or I might too. Or not.

I don't feel any pressure about it either way. It was a good thing to do,
whether it was a one-off or not. Just don't know. It's all PRACTICE.

Enough o' that. One date is one date so I don't want to focus much more
on it. I'd say it was a successful experience.

And a good distraction from wailing!

xo
Hops

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