You get an idea of how hard it is to communcate when.....

[lighter]

you've spent years attempting to order "spicy" food in various restaurants over the past 30 years.

Everyone has a different idea of what "spicy" is, and it's really really different.

::remembering servers' dubious questioning::

 "You want "Tai hot, or just spicy hot?" 

"You want Tai hot or American hot?"

As an ongoing orderer of "very" spicy food, I pay close attention to the emphasis given to words during these exchanges, carefully gaging the knowledge, reliability and seriousness of the particular serving involved.

I'll continue looking the waiter in the eye, head titlted, carefully trying to discern further nuances that will clue me in.....

"SSSSsssssssspicey hot" in a hesitant manner if I sense the waiter has my best interest in mind, knows the chef well,  and harbors the least amount of fear on my behalf.   

Or......

I might respond "[i]Tai [/i] HOT, definately" if the waiter looks unconcerned, and familiar with sending dishes back bc they're the least big spicy, (esp if I was recently served "mild" food the last time I hesitated, and didn't emphatically insist on the hottest choice offered, which is usually where I get in to trouble with overtly painful spicy dishes.)

On one occasion the food arrived perfectly spicy, with the kitchen staff sticking their head heads out to watch my reaction to the dish, retreating in dissapointment as I tucked in with gusto.

Presumably they felt I'd asked for something I couldn't handle, and wanted to see the shock, pain and surprise on my face, while congratulating themselves on teaching me a lesson.

 I prefer not to entertain more nefarious scenarios involving ingredients other than chilis in the kitchen: /

In any case, everyone has their own unique perceptions, and that's one of the things making it difficult to find understanding, IME.

We try to discern a person's reliability and trustworthiness, only to find we completely missed the mark, or that it's impossible to have the smallest conversation, bc we're contstantly stepping over each others triggers.

It's a journey.  ::nodding::
Lighter

[lighter]

So, I went to the Tai restaurant that served the painfully spicy dish last time.

They were all big eyed when we asked for TAI spicy this time, but I have to tell you.....

it was absolutely perfect.

My oldest child had the green curry for the first time, which is supposed to be the hottest curry, but I think it's the best tasting too.

SO good with fish.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

THAI hot!

Woo hoo!

Yum. As long as a yoghurt drink is nearby.



Hops

[sKePTiKal]

So true, Lighter!      Thanks.

And that's just the "words" part of communication... you touched on attunement; how well one knows the waitstaff... another piece of the puzzle. Some days, even people who know each other very well (and maybe it's because they do have such extensive experience) simply aren't on the same wavelength.

No more nefarious than, no ulterior motives... just people being people. There has to be room for giving each other some slack... where the standards are relaxed a tad, where the basics expand a bit to include something new, different... where we give each other the benefit of the doubt for the time being.

The "spicy" example is timely for me and once again, you've hit the nail on the head about what's going on. Communication - whether the actual words, definitions, intonations and body language or the more slippery "attunement" - is the basic "material" of relationships, right after feelings... and before "structure" - or type of relationship.

[lighter]

We're the suffering sort, Hops.

Only water, no yogurt drink, while eating spicy food; )

Maybe cool things down with the coconut soup.

Amber:

You stated exactly what the issues are with communication.

I went round and round talking about situations that are difficult, but you get where I was going, and it's so nice to feel heard.

Thank you.

As for assuming nefarious motives, I did not.....

but it crossed my mind that something more interesting than the addition of way too many chili peppers, in the esteemed chef's opinion, might have ended up in the dish, kwim?

Honestly, I think they expected the dish to be sent back, and were shocked it wasn't.  Nothing more: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

eh... Lighter...

I've been feeding my brain some new ideas... and revisiting some old ones... trying to "figure something out" again. In the process, I hit a brick wall with communication. Because, if I say "cat"... with the definition of a soft, purring fuzzball curled up in my lap meaning... why is it, people who claim to know me well hear: saber tooth tiger that's about to shred everything / everyone within reach??

When I explore that, it's because one time out of a hundred, that is what I meant. Once = forever?? Since when? Why didn't I get the memo???

It reminds me - when I entered elementary school - I was given some sort of flash card test. I called it a "couch"... and the person insisted it was called a "sofa" - that this was the right word for it. And smart-ass 6 yr old me told the person: "not in my house".

[Meh]

And smart-ass 6 yr old me told the person: "not in my house".

     Funny....