Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lighter on August 11, 2012, 08:49:55 AM
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Well, it's time to get this next trial out of the way, and I'm knee deep in documents.
The good new is..... I've documented so well, I have just about everything I could possibly need to lay out the truth of what I've been going through.
The bad news is..... I have to organize it in a way that the court will actually read and understand them, not glance at them and dismiss them.
Oh dear, oh dear, what to include? Just as I find satisfaction in a cross referenced stack of very informative docs, I fear there's way too many documents, and the Judge will never read them.
So, please send light, and any executive function skill light you have lying around, so I can help this Judge "see."
Lighter
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Instead of looking at all the overwhelming documents... write out in outline form, what you wish you could say to the judge. THEN, line up those documents where they need to go... where they document or support the various outline points. Then, when you hand it all over... you, Lighter... need to release the outcome because you've done the best you can to make your case and while it's true some people only "judge" per their own bias and denial... that's only SOME people. Let the judge decide how much detail to read... and TRUST that the judge is going to his/her job to the best of their ability.
((((((((((and surround Lighter in the giant cone of white light while waiting on the response))))))))
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Oh lighter,
Are your 'trials' not over yet? what's up?....if Imight ask?
I didn't know, but I send you my organizational skills and hope everything falls into place
and Light
Izzy
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I don't know what's up, either...so despite confusion
I too send
much
light
to
Lighter...
(my organizational skills might not do you much good but I believe YOU have them!)
Hops
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Light and love your way, Lighter.
I don't know how you're currently organising your docs. My mountain of paperwork has a synopsis at the front with the main points bulletpointed. The documents are numbered and then document numbers are listed next to bullet points, so anyone reading can skip straight to that document if they want to. It also has the page numbers from the main document there, so they can just read that section. The main document comes after that, where I explain everything in detail, and again, everything is cross referenced with a document number so it's easy to find. In some instances the same document is referred to more than once and where that happens I've copied it twice and given it a different number so they don't have to flick back through forty pages to find it. I've also included a list of each doc with its number, brief detail of what it contains and its date.
I've made that sound quite confusing - sorry! Basically, something like - Information relating to allegations made to xyz agency on September 12th 2006. Pages 14 - 32. Doc no's 7 - 15
You probably already have a better way of organising it. I know what you mean though, it makes you feel that you want to sit with the judge and read it to him so he doesn't miss any of it.
Do you have a friend that would read through it with a fresh pair of eyes and tell you if there's anything they miss or don't understand?
Lots of light and love your way. Your strength and compassion will shine through xxxxx
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I knew, I KNEW you'd post something incredibly helpful, Amber.
Thanks, an outline will drastically improve my odds of accomplishing my goals.
Lighter
Instead of looking at all the overwhelming documents... write out in outline form, what you wish you could say to the judge. THEN, line up those documents where they need to go... where they document or support the various outline points. Then, when you hand it all over... you, Lighter... need to release the outcome because you've done the best you can to make your case and while it's true some people only "judge" per their own bias and denial... that's only SOME people. Let the judge decide how much detail to read... and TRUST that the judge is going to his/her job to the best of their ability.
((((((((((and surround Lighter in the giant cone of white light while waiting on the response))))))))
I can feel it, Amber; ) Again, thanks.
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Tupp:
It will take days to organize as well as that. Perhaps weeks, and I only have hours left before turning over one of the reports. I can do a better job before trial, but right now flying by the seat of my pants, with the intention of organizing as well as you. Good for you, and I'm taking notes.
Hops, and Izzy:
Thanks for the support. I know you empathize with the lack of organization Hops, and I wish you were here to help me get things in order, Izz. Keep sending light, as I'll be carrying your Amazon spirit into this custody trial with me.
Where is honorary member, Mud?
Lighter
quote author=Twoapenny link=topic=10065.msg163413#msg163413 date=1344750502]
Light and love your way, Lighter.
I don't know how you're currently organising your docs. My mountain of paperwork has a synopsis at the front with the main points bulletpointed. The documents are numbered and then document numbers are listed next to bullet points, so anyone reading can skip straight to that document if they want to. It also has the page numbers from the main document there, so they can just read that section. The main document comes after that, where I explain everything in detail, and again, everything is cross referenced with a document number so it's easy to find. In some instances the same document is referred to more than once and where that happens I've copied it twice and given it a different number so they don't have to flick back through forty pages to find it. I've also included a list of each doc with its number, brief detail of what it contains and its date.
I've made that sound quite confusing - sorry! Basically, something like - Information relating to allegations made to xyz agency on September 12th 2006. Pages 14 - 32. Doc no's 7 - 15
You probably already have a better way of organising it. I know what you mean though, it makes you feel that you want to sit with the judge and read it to him so he doesn't miss any of it.
Do you have a friend that would read through it with a fresh pair of eyes and tell you if there's anything they miss or don't understand?
Lots of light and love your way. Your strength and compassion will shine through xxxxx
[/quote]
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((((((((Lighter))))))))
The way you've organized your documents sounds amazingly thorough and understandable. You've done it in a way that should make it easy to respond to the judge who wants all the details or the one who wants a summary.
Wishing you all the best.
tt
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Lighter, how are things going now? xxx
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I'm struggling, Tup.
I'm struggling.
Lighter
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Lighter, I'm so sorry to hear that. You are strong. You are a good person and, most importantly, you know you are right. It's okay to be scared/anxious/overwhelmed/struggling to cope. These sorts of situations do that to us, it's inevitable in some ways, but it will finish and, hopefully, there will be some closure. We are all thinking of you! Sending light and love your way, and good, strong, fighting thoughts. Hang in there. Be good to yourself. Keep us posted.
Lots of love xxx
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Tupp:
I'm feeling pretty strong today. I have a sense that things are looking up, and all the frantic, neck breaking work will pay off, provided we can get it into THIS trial. I really had hoped this would be the one that exposes the PD's for what they are, and what they've done/are doing. It's a very insidious thing to have PD's harming you, while posing as victims themselves. Terrible when they're accusing you of doing what they're doing to you, and getting away with it.
I know I've had a very difficult time explaining what I'm going through so I can be heard and understood. One of the most painful realities has been the reality of advocating for self = punishment and dismissal, often and dependably.
There's a trick to being heard, and I'm learning a lot about that right now. Interestingly enough, it's about how we view personal attacks against us, and typically the very core of our beings. It's about choosing to view them as opportunities to educate, rather than attacks.
I'm hangingin there, and I appreciate all the light and support you're sending: )
Lighter
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Hey Hon -
here's a technique that's served me well, over time.... with that tactic you described: projecting out the behavior they're indulging in - onto you:
first, ya gotta know exactly what it is you WANT/NEED - put that into positive words - this is your mantra
then, no matter how much these people get under your skin - no matter how afraid you are that people will believe them, and not YOU - you stick to that positive script from the first step. (Later on - you are free to address your natural emotional response to this crap. Timing.)
Learn to bite your tongue without bleeding - what this accusatory tactic is designed to do is outrage you, get you on the defensive so that they can (unfairly again) paint you as the problem. Let them lay out all their lies, innuendos, rediculous claims of mind-reading and knowing you better than you know yourself. Be calm - your turn is coming THIS TIME. If you are engaged in a power struggle over who will be believed; who is lying -- your brain won't be able to think clearly. You need your brain and it will do just fine, if you can postpone paying attention to your natural survival response during the hearing.
Then, without addressing or responding to all those malicious claims - simply read, if necessary, or repeat your positive statement about the situation, that defines the conflict in YOUR TERMS and what your goal is. The only time you allow yourself to make a response to "them" - is if the judge/mediator/third party asks you directly about the truth of the claim, facts, etc. AGAIN: explain as positively as you can the situation without being defensive.
You do not want to get drawn into the little kid tactic they're using: she hit me first!! NO - you hit me first!!! The absolute BEST outcome in the world, is if the facts can be dealt with, discussed, verified and explained -- without any emotional drama whatsoever. That takes the melodrama out of their accusations, reveals them for what they are.
Be prepared, tho - you may be asked how you feel about those accusations: that's when you need that observing ego to choose the words and not the inner child or feral cat! LOL... You're not being asked to enter into your feelings only describe them.
As far as venting and responding to calumny? You just come right back here and get it off your chest! No need to carry a load of crap around - the process itself, is difficult enough.
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((((Amber))))
Thank you,
Light
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I really liked and agreed with how your paragraph that started this way concluded:
There's a trick to being heard,
But since I'm just microscopic on language sometimes, thought I'd say this also popped up in me.
No tricks.
The thing to focus on is NOT how others will hear you. It's to focus just on how/what you speak.
See what I mean? "How you will be heard" is really, truly, out of your control. No positioning, facial expressions, vocal intonations, physical postures or gestures, or any attempts at "tricking" the listener into hearing you "the way you want to be heard" will succeed.
What WILL succeed (and I know it will!) is:
You focusing on the honesty, simplicity, directness, and clarity of your own speech, and story.
(Your organization and narrative and documentation are all a foundation of that, and invaluable.) But you do not need to suggest, plant little ideas, suggest nuances, in listeners' minds. Assume: They are intelligent. They can hear.
But just be aware, that you might have a tendency in your thinking about this upcoming trial, that without meaning to intentionally, you are thinking in some way...of manipulating: iow, "How do I 'trick' these people/this judge into "hearing what I want them to hear"?'
My advice, though my courtroom experience with my brother was infinitesimal by comparison, is that to be calm in my truth (not pretending to not have any feelings, but just having the inner moral calm of knowing I am being TRUTHFUL and that I am a GOOD PERSON) ... and state facts (not maneuver interpretations of others) -- was my task.
That was it.
Past that, I truly had to "release the outcome." I can't imagine anything harder, Lighter, than releasing this particular outcome you're being challenged on.
But still, I think speaking truth to power, as the Quakers would say (the judge being "the power") is the only thing you need to do.
No tricks to being heard. Only the NON-trick, of speaking truthfully. And even...simply.
love to you,
Hops
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I didn't mean to leave your e mail hanging out there without response, Hops.
I'm scrambling for trial, and over the top busy right now.
Thanks for taking the time to share your veiws on communcation.
It helps.
Lighter
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Sending you light, Light!!
Thinking of you..
Deb
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((((Debkor))))
Lighter
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More light, more light, more light :) (((((((((Lighter))))))))))))
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I did not know you were talking about this in here. Can you please explain? When did this became board info?
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Hi Lupe:
I reached out for support from the board in the custody matter, bc I felt it was appropriate to do so at this time.
Things were going s l o w l y in the courtroom, so the Plaintiff's haven't yet finished putting up their case yet. The trial will continue next month.
When we go back, I think things will be begin moving at a lightening pace.
::crossing fingers all will be done very soon::
We're gaining momentum, as far as I can tell, and the opposition is starting to feel the sting of pointed questions they can't squirm out of with their shell game of erroneous reponses.
Their long held beliefs are crumbling under scrutiny, to say the least, and our Judge seems very interested in figuring out exactly what's going on here.
Bless her. She's obviously very competent, and certainly has a very good poker face, though she's on two occasions popped open her eyes during responses from Plaintiff's first witness. The Judge also let out "WHAT?!?!" and I believe she's going to want to understand exactly why her eyes are popping and she's gasping at those unexpected, improbable responses she can't believe her ears just heard.
To tell the truth, I can barely watch this trial without peeking out between my fingers.
It's a terrible thing to watch people get caught in lies and deceit. It's a terrible thing to feel such ferocious hatred and animosity directed at me personally by people who aren't trying very hard to control it.
At this point it's safe to say we're no longer fearful of losing custody, but it's not yet been determined if the Plaintiff's can be heard on the visitation issue they tacked on.
So, lets be clear. I'm being accused of doing exactly what the Plaintiff's are doing/have done, so we know lots of issues we worried about getting in will be allowed in bc Plaintiffs raised them themselves.
Chaos and confusion were ruling when this trial started, but it appears focus and clarity will be forthcoming finally.
::knocking wood::
I wish I could be cavelier about this.....
the game's afoot,
but I'm really feeling quite stressed, and vulnerable at this time.
We'll just have to see how it goes.
Please continue sending light and good thoughts.
Lots of trial prep ahead based on first days of trial.
Lighter
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It's a terrible thing to watch people get caught in lies and deceit.
Hmmm, I have found it one of the most wonderful experiences in life. It's also a wonderful thing to see a smart judge realize just what kind of creeps he or she is dealing with.
It's a terrible thing to feel such ferocious hatred and animosity directed at me personally by people who aren't trying very hard to control it.
That is a terrible thing for anyone, but it's also a badge of honor when the people who hate you are the crazy whack jobs who hate all of the decent things in life.
mud
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Hi Lighter,
I wrote you a post saying I hoped my "communication" post didn't come across lecturey (busted) but it vanished....
I am SO glad to hear about this judge, who sounds as though her head is screwed firmly onto her neck.
Tsunamis.
Light.
love to you,
Hops
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Lighter it sounds as though things are going your way. Something that has always been very validating for me is other people's inability to cover their shock when they are told of something that you have been made to believe is normal/acceptable/for your own good. It sounds as if this is happening right now - on court record as well. I think you're doing an amazing thing, it may even help others in a similar situtation in the future?
Sending light and love your way. Rooting for you ((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Lighter, hon -- it's only the Emperor who thinks he's wearing fine, fancy clothes.
Everyone else knows he's just as nekkid as the one kid in the audience is pointing out. The adults are simply speechless in the face of such insanity and too polite (or politically correct) to ask him to go put real clothes on.
That is a terrible thing for anyone, but it's also a badge of honor when the people who hate you are the crazy whack jobs who hate all of the decent things in life.
Oh man - the profound and elusive mudbug offers up another really attractive and sane perspective! (just teasing...) Thanks very much mud. I needed to hear this and you put it out there plain & simple; loud and clear. Some of us still have that fear -- that being "hated" by screwed up people = abandonment, shunning, left to die in the wilderness that Ns really want us believe they can do to us. It's so totally not true.
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Hi Lighter,
I wrote you a post saying I hoped my "communication" post didn't come across lecturey (busted) but it vanished....
Hops, what I heard you say in your post was similar to what I was trying to say in my post.
The revelation for me has been to release the expectations my listener will come to conclusions, and to educate the listener only, without expectation.
When I came to this board I was struggling with many things, but the chronic struggle has been learning to speak so I'm not judged for the way I speak. Being disliked, dismissed, and punished bc the listener is offended by my communication style has been catastrophic, in some cases, for me.
Speaking about highly charged emotional issues without emotion is difficult, but necessary.
I feel like I won the lottery :D
Thanks for all your support,
Lighter
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It's a terrible thing to watch people get caught in lies and deceit.
Hmmm, I have found it one of the most wonderful experiences in life. It's also a wonderful thing to see a smart judge realize just what kind of creeps he or she is dealing with.
It's a terrible thing to feel such ferocious hatred and animosity directed at me personally by people who aren't trying very hard to control it.
That is a terrible thing for anyone, but it's also a badge of honor when the people who hate you are the crazy whack jobs who hate all of the decent things in life.
mud
Again, I have to defer to you..... you're ahead of me by several years in the civil judicial system with your "crazy whack jobs" (CWJ's for short), but I find myself a bit skeptical/hopeful at the same time about best case scenarios, should this Judge really really [i]"get it." [/i]
I'll save my typical whine, (you're very familiar with it) and agree that whatever happens, I'll keep calm and carry on.
I just really really don't want to spend the balance of my children's childhoods in civil courts, but you already know that.
Nuff said.
Lighter
Oh, who am I kidding. IF this Judge gets it, and nothing much comes of these revelations as far as consequences, and accountability goes for the CWJ's......
I'm not sure how demoralizing that will be, Mud. I'm afraid the civil court system is the perfect vehicle for PD CWJ's, and that even when we win, the system costs so much in time, money and energy that we're always going to lose, and that's just not acceptable to me right now. ::shaking head:: When does it end? Does it end?
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Amber and Tupp:
Thanks for all the support....
I appreciate it.
Light
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Yer welcome, Light...
Look - I get your point about losing, even if you technically "win" the suit. It's a valid point.
But there's another one, too -- and that's the point, that you will bounce back easier, faster, and with less "hangover" -- should you legally win. Will it be "over" -- once and for all?
Sigh. We can't know for sure. But it sure gives you a stronger position in the future.
I completely understand your reservations about the judicial system... and whether the judge will "get" what kind of extortion, slander, and spin the CWJs are using to paint a picture of you. I still believe, that the best thing you can do is hold your head up... square your shoulders... know in your heart the truth... and let the CWJs do their damndest. The only thing you can control is you... so breathe through it... and know for a fact, that other people see through distorted claims, self-interest, lies and innuendos just as well as you do.
Ya gotta let them try, anyway. And trust that they know a snake when they see one, too.
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but I find myself a bit skeptical/hopeful at the same time about best case scenarios
We only get to play the hand we're dealt. The best case scenario for a bad hand is never going to be as good as if we were dealt a straight flush, but what are you going to do? Reality is reality.
mud
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OK.
All right, Mud.
I can't do anything but wait and see how this case, in this tar baby of civil judicial system, works out.
And I'll do that, and I'll stop writhing about it.
I must.
I'll have my answers with regard to accountability, consequences, and what a Judge can and can't do in her courtroom soon enough.
Hopefully, this year, though this same county has another case of mine tied up for over year with the Judge refusing to rule. THAT case was dismissed, went to the appelate courts and was kicked back, btw. Same as THIS case. An odyssey of cases that each require the time, effort and cost of 3 or 4 trials each with requests for reconsiderations, appeals and second chances. Obscene, and the only winners so far are the attorneys of course.
Eh.
Chaos and confusion be damned.
The rubber's going to meet the road on this case.
I've done the work.
I've done my best.
I've hired the most competent, aggressive legal representation I could find.
I can do no more, and there must be some kind of peace in that.
In the meantime, the disparity between what the family courts say they do, and what they actually do, simply cannot be squared.
::shaking head::
It can't.
It's almost like dealing with an all powerful PD entity.
There's no making sense of it, so why keep trying?
Uncle
Lighter
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Do you REALLY feel that your truth will not win out?
or are there "messy" areas?
All I can do is tell my truth and hang in there. Even if I now have a mental disorder, it manifested physically, and abuptly, can be seen, has been seen by many and I had waited from Feb/10 to May/12 to see this specialist.
His qualifications are:
"The practice of Physical Medicine & Rehabilitation involves the assessment and treatment of persons suffering from stroke, brain injury, spinal cord injury, spinal disorders, peripheral nerve disorders, pain disorders, tendinitis, bursitis, arthritis, soft tissue injuries, and general debility. I have additional certifications in Electromyography as well as lmpairment & Disability Evaluation."
My very best to you and the girls.
Good Luck!
Izzy
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Skits:
I'm sure we'll win, the question is......
::shaking head::
I just want it all to be over, Skits.
I want it to be done.
Lighter
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Legal and court proceedings are absolutely exhausting, draining...
I am sorry, Lighter.
One day, one step, one conversation, one piece of writing...
at a time.
xo
Hops
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((Hops)
It'll be over soon.
Hopefully, very soon.
Light