Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Twoapenny on February 04, 2015, 06:07:28 PM
-
Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
-
Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
I can identify ((((Tupp))))). For what it's worth, for myself, I decided not to attempt dating for awhile as I seem to attract dysfunctional A$$hole$ who refuse to see me as human. It's similar to being newly clean and sober where Newbies are advised by Sponsors not to get involved in relationships during the first year of sobriety. It takes a while for the brain cells to recover and reassemble themselves into a coherently functioning, if not functional, unit. One day at a time. I do have a question...is the counselor attempting to impose her/his "fix" on you instead of working WITH you as a Team Member? (I'll explain where my question comes from later.)
-
Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
I can identify ((((Tupp))))). For what it's worth, for myself, I decided not to attempt dating for awhile as I seem to attract dysfunctional A$$hole$ who refuse to see me as human. It's similar to being newly clean and sober where Newbies are advised by Sponsors not to get involved in relationships during the first year of sobriety. It takes a while for the brain cells to recover and reassemble themselves into a coherently functioning, if not functional, unit. One day at a time. I do have a question...is the counselor attempting to impose her/his "fix" on you instead of working WITH you as a Team Member? (I'll explain where my question comes from later.)
Hiya Bonesie,
Yes, I completely agree with the attracting aholes thing! I've not dated for six years now because of that - always seemed to end up with the same kind of person even though they seemed different to start with. So stopped completely and haven't started again partly because I have still felt 'imperfect'. But now wondering if I should/could just go for a drink or a coffee with someone deal with it as I go along.
And how funny, Bones, are you psychic??!! Yes, I do feel the T is offering advice that is (a) unsolicited and (b) doesn't suit my situation. She said twice last night that she thinks I should go to the doctor and get medication for my anxiety. There are a number of reasons that I don't feel this is appropriate for me at the minute and I was a bit shocked, I've never spoken to a counsellor who's ventured into the medication area before (the two good T's in my life never really mentioned meds they were more interested in talking things through). She also said she thought I should talk things over with my mum! Which is a bit like suggesting someone goes swimming with a hungry shark. I was quite uncomfortable with that. So I'm feeling now like I'm done talking about things. I'm not sure how much of how I feel it changes? I can see the changes in my head but I don't think it makes the bad/sad feelings go away?
Anyway, ponder, ponder, ponder! Thank you. Hope you are doing okay xx
-
Wow, Tupp. I hear/feel what's troubling you.
I think perfectionism does trigger recurrent anxiety.
I used to have full-tilt panic attacks, and a lot of it
spun out from anxious ruminations. So much that
I didn't/couldn't/hadn't done in the impeccable ways
I could IMAGINE it.
It was as though just because I could imagine an
ideal, I had trouble settling back into the real, including
my imperfect self.
I've told this tale here before (bear with me) but this
was also before I had the big lightbulb
of the venturing into an actual visualization exercise and for
the first and only time, had an inner, loving, deeply compassionate
encounter with the lost, sad little girl inside me. I actually bent
over and looked into her face. Saw and recognized my own eyes,
"her" eyelashes, child-soft skin, babylike hair. And, the sadness
in her eyes and the dignity and seriousness of her expression.
With equal seriousness and enormous tenderness I said to her,
"I am so sorry I wasn't there to protect you, and I am so sorry
for how sad you are feeling. I want you to know that I will never
leave you alone again, and I will always be with you." "She"
nodded and reached up and put her arms around my neck. In this
deep, deep imagining state...almost similar to when I was once
hypnotized I literally felt, very subtly but real, the sudden weight
of her arms on my shoulders.
That moment was so powerful to me that it forever changed my
relationship with myself.
I forget, and have to get back on track with it still, which is okay.
But when my anxious perfectionistic thinking kicks in, taking a few
moments to intentionally remember that experience, eases it.
All that babble to say, there's an inner little (((((Tupp))) who might
need somebody to speak to her that compassionately. To let her
know what children already know. Perfection is a weird adult thing,
and she doesn't have to pay attention to it. Or whatever else you
might want to tell her.
For me there was no elaborate ritual. Just a quiet sunny afternoon
when I sat in a comfy position and asked myself, let's go deep inside
and conjure up my inner child. And reassure her. And then that's
how it played out in my mind.
Hope that helps and of course you can date. Or not. The main thing
is to know that you can give yourself permission to do what is helping
you in your life:
1) Go to counseling.
2) Quit or change a counselor.
2) Speak up and tell a counselor: I find my anxiety surged when you
suggested I connect with my mother. So I'm concerned you don't have
a grasp of what I need. And, I felt distress at how quickly you moved
to recommend medication. I need a more thoughtful approach to that.
3) Try a date. You are allowed to experiment. One at a time. It doesn't
have to be a new identity "I am now a person who is dating." It can just
be.."Huh. I think I feel like trying a date. I'll see how it goes."
4) Not date. Be a born-again spinster and embrace it. (Again, it's good
imo to sort out which of these things are about having a "proper narrative"
about yourself, as though you're designing an appealing character for the
culture or other people to approve of...as opposed to having a genuine
experience that you've chosen because of genuine interest in yourself.
As to being "addicted" to counseling...I remember once talking to the old
poet who ran my writing program about my fear of therapy, how it might
take something away from my creativity. He was in his late 70s. He said, "Oh
no! For me, it didn't damage my creativity, it released it! I still have
a fellow on Cathedral Street I go see when it's all too much." :)
So maybe just maybe, the "person who is addicted to counseling" is another
self-generated negative judgment? When you'd never judge somebody who
needed an insulin pump for making use of their medication for the rest of
their life or as long as their body needed it...why judge a person with anxiety who needs
a kind of "talking medicine" to keep their mind well? For as long as they need it?
Hope some of that makes sense or helps, I'm not sure it should!
Love and cheer to you,
Hops
-
Wow, Tupp. I hear/feel what's troubling you.
I think perfectionism does trigger recurrent anxiety.
I used to have full-tilt panic attacks, and a lot of it
spun out from anxious ruminations. So much that
I didn't/couldn't/hadn't done in the impeccable ways
I could IMAGINE it.
It was as though just because I could imagine an
ideal, I had trouble settling back into the real, including
my imperfect self.
I've told this tale here before (bear with me) but this
was also before I had the big lightbulb
of the venturing into an actual visualization exercise and for
the first and only time, had an inner, loving, deeply compassionate
encounter with the lost, sad little girl inside me. I actually bent
over and looked into her face. Saw and recognized my own eyes,
"her" eyelashes, child-soft skin, babylike hair. And, the sadness
in her eyes and the dignity and seriousness of her expression.
With equal seriousness and enormous tenderness I said to her,
"I am so sorry I wasn't there to protect you, and I am so sorry
for how sad you are feeling. I want you to know that I will never
leave you alone again, and I will always be with you." "She"
nodded and reached up and put her arms around my neck. In this
deep, deep imagining state...almost similar to when I was once
hypnotized I literally felt, very subtly but real, the sudden weight
of her arms on my shoulders.
That moment was so powerful to me that it forever changed my
relationship with myself.
I forget, and have to get back on track with it still, which is okay.
But when my anxious perfectionistic thinking kicks in, taking a few
moments to intentionally remember that experience, eases it.
All that babble to say, there's an inner little (((((Tupp))) who might
need somebody to speak to her that compassionately. To let her
know what children already know. Perfection is a weird adult thing,
and she doesn't have to pay attention to it. Or whatever else you
might want to tell her.
For me there was no elaborate ritual. Just a quiet sunny afternoon
when I sat in a comfy position and asked myself, let's go deep inside
and conjure up my inner child. And reassure her. And then that's
how it played out in my mind.
Hope that helps and of course you can date. Or not. The main thing
is to know that you can give yourself permission to do what is helping
you in your life:
1) Go to counseling.
2) Quit or change a counselor.
2) Speak up and tell a counselor: I find my anxiety surged when you
suggested I connect with my mother. So I'm concerned you don't have
a grasp of what I need. And, I felt distress at how quickly you moved
to recommend medication. I need a more thoughtful approach to that.
3) Try a date. You are allowed to experiment. One at a time. It doesn't
have to be a new identity "I am now a person who is dating." It can just
be.."Huh. I think I feel like trying a date. I'll see how it goes."
4) Not date. Be a born-again spinster and embrace it. (Again, it's good
imo to sort out which of these things are about having a "proper narrative"
about yourself, as though you're designing an appealing character for the
culture or other people to approve of...as opposed to having a genuine
experience that you've chosen because of genuine interest in yourself.
As to being "addicted" to counseling...I remember once talking to the old
poet who ran my writing program about my fear of therapy, how it might
take something away from my creativity. He was in his late 70s. He said, "Oh
no! For me, it didn't damage my creativity, it released it! I still have
a fellow on Cathedral Street I go see when it's all too much." :)
So maybe just maybe, the "person who is addicted to counseling" is another
self-generated negative judgment? When you'd never judge somebody who
needed an insulin pump for making use of their medication for the rest of
their life or as long as their body needed it...why judge a person with anxiety who needs
a kind of "talking medicine" to keep their mind well? For as long as they need it?
Hope some of that makes sense or helps, I'm not sure it should!
Love and cheer to you,
Hops
Aw Hops, helps loads, will read and re-read! Can really identify with the inner child stuff, very powerful and yes, I think I just swopped my old persona - drunk, high, not caring, impervious - to a new one of ultra balanced, middle of the road, politically correct, responsible parent and I'm still trying to live up to what I've created in my mind. So yes, I think somewhere between the two is a good place to be. I've been very imperfect today, lazed around a bit, watched some TV, had a shoe throwing competition with my son (he won!). I'm feeling more comfortable with the idea of just accepting there will be times when I do feel anxious, overwhelmed, inadequate and all the rest of it and I need to say to myself well so what and just get on with it. I am feeling more and more like I want to interact with people, which I haven't really wanted to do for such a long time now. I think this is a good thing?! Thank you :)
-
Hi Twoapenny,
I've struggled with perfectionism. My T pointed out that perfectionism can cause anxiety.
Eventually, I found a book that enabled me to be more comfortable with my imperfectionism:
The Art of Extreme Self-care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time by Cheryl Richardson.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Extreme-Self-care-Transform-Paperback/dp/B00FBBG7AU/ref=sr_1_2/276-2369212-6500063?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423191803&sr=1-2&keywords=The+Art+of+Extreme+Self-Care%3A+Transform+Your+Life+One+Month+at+a+Time
There's a chapter in there called "Let Me Disappoint You" which helped me.
Here's an excerpt:
http://www.cherylrichardson.com/newsletters/let-me-disappoint-you-the-art-of-extreme-self-care/
-
Hi Twoapenny,
I've struggled with perfectionism. My T pointed out that perfectionism can cause anxiety.
Eventually, I found a book that enabled me to be more comfortable with my imperfectionism:
The Art of Extreme Self-care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time by Cheryl Richardson.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Extreme-Self-care-Transform-Paperback/dp/B00FBBG7AU/ref=sr_1_2/276-2369212-6500063?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1423191803&sr=1-2&keywords=The+Art+of+Extreme+Self-Care%3A+Transform+Your+Life+One+Month+at+a+Time
There's a chapter in there called "Let Me Disappoint You" which helped me.
Here's an excerpt:
http://www.cherylrichardson.com/newsletters/let-me-disappoint-you-the-art-of-extreme-self-care/
That looks like a handy book to have at the minute, Ann, thank you, I shall order a copy today :)
-
Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
I can identify ((((Tupp))))). For what it's worth, for myself, I decided not to attempt dating for awhile as I seem to attract dysfunctional A$$hole$ who refuse to see me as human. It's similar to being newly clean and sober where Newbies are advised by Sponsors not to get involved in relationships during the first year of sobriety. It takes a while for the brain cells to recover and reassemble themselves into a coherently functioning, if not functional, unit. One day at a time. I do have a question...is the counselor attempting to impose her/his "fix" on you instead of working WITH you as a Team Member? (I'll explain where my question comes from later.)
Hiya Bonesie,
Yes, I completely agree with the attracting aholes thing! I've not dated for six years now because of that - always seemed to end up with the same kind of person even though they seemed different to start with. So stopped completely and haven't started again partly because I have still felt 'imperfect'. But now wondering if I should/could just go for a drink or a coffee with someone deal with it as I go along.
And how funny, Bones, are you psychic??!! Yes, I do feel the T is offering advice that is (a) unsolicited and (b) doesn't suit my situation. She said twice last night that she thinks I should go to the doctor and get medication for my anxiety. There are a number of reasons that I don't feel this is appropriate for me at the minute and I was a bit shocked, I've never spoken to a counsellor who's ventured into the medication area before (the two good T's in my life never really mentioned meds they were more interested in talking things through). She also said she thought I should talk things over with my mum! Which is a bit like suggesting someone goes swimming with a hungry shark. I was quite uncomfortable with that. So I'm feeling now like I'm done talking about things. I'm not sure how much of how I feel it changes? I can see the changes in my head but I don't think it makes the bad/sad feelings go away?
Anyway, ponder, ponder, ponder! Thank you. Hope you are doing okay xx
Thanks, (((((((Tupp)))))
LOL!!!!! I've never thought of myself as "psychic". I've been called "psycho" by N's when I've said NO to their demands! It sounds like this therapist is NOT listening and NOT HEARING you as she is more focused on forcing HER FIXES on you. I've dealt with a psychiatrist who attempted that and had to terminate him, especially when he attempted to destroy my sobriety while claiming he "could control my addictions FOR me". I DON'T THINK SO!!!! There were boundaries being violated all over the place and I finally got fed up with my voice being ignored while he attempted to force his manipulations on me.
Going out for coffee, occasionally, sounds like a safe thing to do, while taking things slow. It would give you time to size up the other person and see where there real motives are. When you have to say "No" to something, observe how they react. I've noticed that N's HATE the word "no".
-
Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
I can identify ((((Tupp))))). For what it's worth, for myself, I decided not to attempt dating for awhile as I seem to attract dysfunctional A$$hole$ who refuse to see me as human. It's similar to being newly clean and sober where Newbies are advised by Sponsors not to get involved in relationships during the first year of sobriety. It takes a while for the brain cells to recover and reassemble themselves into a coherently functioning, if not functional, unit. One day at a time. I do have a question...is the counselor attempting to impose her/his "fix" on you instead of working WITH you as a Team Member? (I'll explain where my question comes from later.)
Hiya Bonesie,
Yes, I completely agree with the attracting aholes thing! I've not dated for six years now because of that - always seemed to end up with the same kind of person even though they seemed different to start with. So stopped completely and haven't started again partly because I have still felt 'imperfect'. But now wondering if I should/could just go for a drink or a coffee with someone deal with it as I go along.
And how funny, Bones, are you psychic??!! Yes, I do feel the T is offering advice that is (a) unsolicited and (b) doesn't suit my situation. She said twice last night that she thinks I should go to the doctor and get medication for my anxiety. There are a number of reasons that I don't feel this is appropriate for me at the minute and I was a bit shocked, I've never spoken to a counsellor who's ventured into the medication area before (the two good T's in my life never really mentioned meds they were more interested in talking things through). She also said she thought I should talk things over with my mum! Which is a bit like suggesting someone goes swimming with a hungry shark. I was quite uncomfortable with that. So I'm feeling now like I'm done talking about things. I'm not sure how much of how I feel it changes? I can see the changes in my head but I don't think it makes the bad/sad feelings go away?
Anyway, ponder, ponder, ponder! Thank you. Hope you are doing okay xx
Thanks, (((((((Tupp)))))
LOL!!!!! I've never thought of myself as "psychic". I've been called "psycho" by N's when I've said NO to their demands! It sounds like this therapist is NOT listening and NOT HEARING you as she is more focused on forcing HER FIXES on you. I've dealt with a psychiatrist who attempted that and had to terminate him, especially when he attempted to destroy my sobriety while claiming he "could control my addictions FOR me". I DON'T THINK SO!!!! There were boundaries being violated all over the place and I finally got fed up with my voice being ignored while he attempted to force his manipulations on me.
Going out for coffee, occasionally, sounds like a safe thing to do, while taking things slow. It would give you time to size up the other person and see where there real motives are. When you have to say "No" to something, observe how they react. I've noticed that N's HATE the word "no".
Hiya Bones,
Thanks for that :) I think I'm at a point now where I can pick up on things in other people and avoid them - a bit like an alcoholic getting to the point where they can go to a party and be alright about not having a drink. For example, I struggled to deal with some difficult women I was having to be around at a sports class my son goes to; was a bit hit and miss but I got through it and now keep them all at arm's length (and feel fine about doing so). It's all about learning new skills, isn't it?! That psychiatrist you mention sounds dangerous! Worrying how some people can be around vulnerable people really. Hope you are sleeping better :) xx
-
Hello All,
This might be a bit jumbled as I'm thinking things through and my head's a bit messy! But I'd love to know your thoughts on this (if it makes any sense!).
I've recently started counselling again - second session tonight - and it's occured to me that I might be (a) addicted to counselling, (b) questing for perfection (ie a perfectly balanced individual with never a thought or an emotion out of place or (c) endlessly hunting for something that isn't there - ie a life that doesn't include all the crappy stuff that's happened in the past and the crappy feelings that I have to cope with now - or maybe a bit of all of them. I came out feeling disillusioned and I'm wondering if I'm just going at this wrong now. I understand all the dysfunctional stuff on an intellectual level and I am living a much healthier life in the sense I don't abuse drink or drugs anymore, I don't date bad boys, I'm not in co-dependent relationships like I used to be and so on. Despite all of that I do still feel crappy a lot of the time; my emotions whirl, I feel some degree of anxiety pretty much constantly, I over think things and rarely feel happy, content or relaxed. And I think that stops me doing a lot of things because I feel I ought to wait until I feel 'better'. But tonight I thought what if I never feel better? What if it's like having a bad back or suffering from migraines or one leg shorter than the other - an emotional disability rather than a physical one? Perhaps I need to just start doing stuff even though I'm not good at it? Dating, for example. The thought of a relationship terrifies me because I'm so imperfect. But maybe I could go on a date even though I'm a bit messed up? Maybe he won't notice? Maybe he won't mind either way? I've not thought of things like that before. I suppose I'm just wondering if I should stop talking about things and looking for solutions and just wander about imperfectly, doing what I fancy and just putting up with the fact it makes me feel bad even though it's what I want to do? Just ignore it, the way you might ignore your back pain if you really want to go to that concert or you'll do something knowing you'll ache tomorrow but feeling it's worth the pay off?
Does any of that resonate at all with anyone else? :)
I can identify ((((Tupp))))). For what it's worth, for myself, I decided not to attempt dating for awhile as I seem to attract dysfunctional A$$hole$ who refuse to see me as human. It's similar to being newly clean and sober where Newbies are advised by Sponsors not to get involved in relationships during the first year of sobriety. It takes a while for the brain cells to recover and reassemble themselves into a coherently functioning, if not functional, unit. One day at a time. I do have a question...is the counselor attempting to impose her/his "fix" on you instead of working WITH you as a Team Member? (I'll explain where my question comes from later.)
Hiya Bonesie,
Yes, I completely agree with the attracting aholes thing! I've not dated for six years now because of that - always seemed to end up with the same kind of person even though they seemed different to start with. So stopped completely and haven't started again partly because I have still felt 'imperfect'. But now wondering if I should/could just go for a drink or a coffee with someone deal with it as I go along.
And how funny, Bones, are you psychic??!! Yes, I do feel the T is offering advice that is (a) unsolicited and (b) doesn't suit my situation. She said twice last night that she thinks I should go to the doctor and get medication for my anxiety. There are a number of reasons that I don't feel this is appropriate for me at the minute and I was a bit shocked, I've never spoken to a counsellor who's ventured into the medication area before (the two good T's in my life never really mentioned meds they were more interested in talking things through). She also said she thought I should talk things over with my mum! Which is a bit like suggesting someone goes swimming with a hungry shark. I was quite uncomfortable with that. So I'm feeling now like I'm done talking about things. I'm not sure how much of how I feel it changes? I can see the changes in my head but I don't think it makes the bad/sad feelings go away?
Anyway, ponder, ponder, ponder! Thank you. Hope you are doing okay xx
Thanks, (((((((Tupp)))))
LOL!!!!! I've never thought of myself as "psychic". I've been called "psycho" by N's when I've said NO to their demands! It sounds like this therapist is NOT listening and NOT HEARING you as she is more focused on forcing HER FIXES on you. I've dealt with a psychiatrist who attempted that and had to terminate him, especially when he attempted to destroy my sobriety while claiming he "could control my addictions FOR me". I DON'T THINK SO!!!! There were boundaries being violated all over the place and I finally got fed up with my voice being ignored while he attempted to force his manipulations on me.
Going out for coffee, occasionally, sounds like a safe thing to do, while taking things slow. It would give you time to size up the other person and see where there real motives are. When you have to say "No" to something, observe how they react. I've noticed that N's HATE the word "no".
Hiya Bones,
Thanks for that :) I think I'm at a point now where I can pick up on things in other people and avoid them - a bit like an alcoholic getting to the point where they can go to a party and be alright about not having a drink. For example, I struggled to deal with some difficult women I was having to be around at a sports class my son goes to; was a bit hit and miss but I got through it and now keep them all at arm's length (and feel fine about doing so). It's all about learning new skills, isn't it?! That psychiatrist you mention sounds dangerous! Worrying how some people can be around vulnerable people really. Hope you are sleeping better :) xx
Thanks, ((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I just tried Reiki for the first time today and it helped a lot. After the practitioner did her energy healing with me, we sat down and talked about how I felt about my first experience. Her first words to me were her observations: "You need a support system as your energy has been depleted. You have been drained by people while trying to help them." I thought to myself: "Bingo!" The Reiki experience has me so relaxed that I've been tempted to take a nap all day. I'm curious how I'll sleep tonight.
-
Wow, Bones, that would be great if that helps you to sleep better? I've never tried Reiki, is it about healing energy type stuff? It sounds like it did you some good, hopefully that will continue :)
In other news - I have a date next Friday :) I am terrified but I'm going, I am really trying to stop all the you're not good enough messages - I realised that when this guy asked me out my first thought was that there must be some sort of deficiency in him because he wouldn't be interested in me if there wasn't?! How messed up is that?? Think it's time to start getting out there amongst people again. Will be cancelling next appointment with the counsellor later on today, have thought about it a lot and just don't think it is right for me now.
Will keep my fingers crossed that you've been sleeping, Bones, or at least feeling more relaxed :)
-
So excited about yr date. Regardless of anything you put out that you were ready and here you go.
-
Wow, Bones, that would be great if that helps you to sleep better? I've never tried Reiki, is it about healing energy type stuff? It sounds like it did you some good, hopefully that will continue :)
In other news - I have a date next Friday :) I am terrified but I'm going, I am really trying to stop all the you're not good enough messages - I realised that when this guy asked me out my first thought was that there must be some sort of deficiency in him because he wouldn't be interested in me if there wasn't?! How messed up is that?? Think it's time to start getting out there amongst people again. Will be cancelling next appointment with the counsellor later on today, have thought about it a lot and just don't think it is right for me now.
Will keep my fingers crossed that you've been sleeping, Bones, or at least feeling more relaxed :)
Thanks, ((((Tupp)))))). It did help me sleep better! Yes, Reiki is about healing energy. The practitioner also incorporated accupressure too. I felt SOOOOOOO relaxed when she was done! I NEEDED that! :D
Let me know how your date goes and I don't blame you about canceling your appointment with the counselor.
-
Twoapenny,
You sound refreshed : )
-
Thank you, everybody, and Bones, I'm really glad that you slept a bit better after that Reiki!
Well, the date was awful :) But..........I went, and that was the main thing, I got out of the house, out of my rut and did it. I really noticed as I was getting ready all the negative voices about my appearance so I pushed them away, made myself look the best I could and got on with it. He was physically not my type at all, we ran out of things to talk about quite quickly and I made my excuses and left. It was pouring with rain and the wiper on the driver's side broke on the way home so I had to drive with my head on the passenger side so I could see. The best part of the whole night was the chat with the babysitter when I got home and my boy reading me a story he'd written while I was out :) So yes, as dates go it was a 1 out of 10 but I am glad I got myself over the hump and got back out there in the real world again. It wasn't great but the world didn't come to an end so I feel a bit more confident that I can cope with things as they happen :)
-
I had a first date tonight too...about a 5 I'd say.
Older than I'd expected (I'm in shock about old men, as
my last relationship, nearly a decade back, was with a
man 12 years younger). So I'm shocked that these
older gents appear. But I realize it's the way of
things when you're a woman in her 60s w/white hair.
He was very interesting though, enough to see again.
hugs
Hops
-
Thank you, everybody, and Bones, I'm really glad that you slept a bit better after that Reiki!
Well, the date was awful :) But..........I went, and that was the main thing, I got out of the house, out of my rut and did it. I really noticed as I was getting ready all the negative voices about my appearance so I pushed them away, made myself look the best I could and got on with it. He was physically not my type at all, we ran out of things to talk about quite quickly and I made my excuses and left. It was pouring with rain and the wiper on the driver's side broke on the way home so I had to drive with my head on the passenger side so I could see. The best part of the whole night was the chat with the babysitter when I got home and my boy reading me a story he'd written while I was out :) So yes, as dates go it was a 1 out of 10 but I am glad I got myself over the hump and got back out there in the real world again. It wasn't great but the world didn't come to an end so I feel a bit more confident that I can cope with things as they happen :)
Thanks, (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))! And you go, girl!!!! :D
-
Good for you Twoapenny's. Even if the guy was a dud. You got out and received a wonderful story in return.
-
I had a first date tonight too...about a 5 I'd say.
Older than I'd expected (I'm in shock about old men, as
my last relationship, nearly a decade back, was with a
man 12 years younger). So I'm shocked that these
older gents appear. But I realize it's the way of
things when you're a woman in her 60s w/white hair.
He was very interesting though, enough to see again.
hugs
Hops
The ageing thing is difficult, isn't it Hops, I see blokes and think no, he's too old and then realise he's the same age as me! I think it's harder for men to hide age as well, women can dye their hair and use make up and clothes whereas men can't hide their bald patches and detract attention from their waistlines with a pretty necklace. A 5 out of 10 is not bad, though, for a first date and it's great that you are going to meet with him again :)
-
Thanks, Bones and GS :) I was thinking about it all today and what I noticed is different about me is that I wasn't critiquing the whole thing from the point of wondering what I had done wrong - it was just one of those things, no chemistry, nothing in common but it meant I was out and I think it's given me a really good boost even though it wasn't a good night if you see what I mean? Just need to build up to going out on a date that I actually enjoy now :)
-
Ahhh ha ha ha, well happy V-Day everybody. Two Penny and anybody who dates I think you are so BRAVE !!!!
-
TT, how did all that happen?
Inquiring minds want to KNOW!
xxoo
Hops
-
I always like hearing stories of how people got together, it's always interesting to know how people found each other :)
I did realise something today; I have quite a lot of trouble talking about myself, I find. I think I'm just not used to anyone actually wanting to know anything about me, I'm more used to just being a foil for somebody else. So I think that's why I struggle with it a bit. So this week's task is to practise talking (I find it very difficult to give a long explanation about anything, more than a few seconds and I feel I'm hogging the conversation and it's really hard to tell a long story all the way through. Need to work on that). Not keen on internet dating, though, I feel it's too layered for me? So am focusing on getting to places that I like more, difficult because of the situation with my son but not impossible so that's the next thing to work on - just meeting people and building up contacts I suppose.
-
You know when I think about this dates are kind of difficult in a few ways. Dates are so brief. A woman I know for example had a male friend she swore up and down they were only friends, they have known each other for months before she finally told me recently that she figured out she likes him now. Shrug.
So now they are hanging out all the time. He made her some kind of steaks on Valentines day and cut them into shapes of hearts and all sorts of mushy stuff like that.
-
You know when I think about this dates are kind of difficult in a few ways. Dates are so brief. A woman I know for example had a male friend she swore up and down they were only friends, they have known each other for months before she finally told me recently that she figured out she likes him now. Shrug.
So now they are hanging out all the time. He made her some kind of steaks on Valentines day and cut them into shapes of hearts and all sorts of mushy stuff like that.
I think friends into romance can be quite a nice way of doing it, you get to know someone without the pressure :) But then if it ends you've lost a friend as well, it never seems to work to going back to just being mates after something romantic.
I've continued with my pondering and I am starting to realise that those old patterns have pulled me in again. I don't fit in with my family and I spent years pretending to be someone I'm not so they would like me but they still didn't. When I had my son I spent years trying to fit in with the other mums in our area so that someone would like me but the still didn't. When we moved back 'home' I spent time again changing who I was - or even hiding my real self - hoping that someone would want me! But still no-one does.
I realised yesterday that I've done a lot of dumbing down and biting my tongue over the years. It has taken me a while to catch on! I need to be brave enough to just be myself and if other people don't like it, accept that and let them move on without it being a problem for me. I still find rejection so hard to cope with. But I need to be myself so that people who I truly connect with come into my life. It happens online, because online you have that defence of not actually meeting face to face, of being able to dip in and out of contact, of being able to think about what you want to say before you say it, being able to edit and delete which gives you a control that just isn't there in real life. So I'm able to be myself online. I was so anxious yesterday, it's my son's birthday today (yay! Happy Birthday little man :) ) and a few people were coming round, I know they'll criticise a lot about my house and the way I live (or I imagine they will), I run through the logical stuff in my mind and do the self talk etc, I went ahead and did it but I felt sick to my stomach all day, it's those old patterns still running. What I'd really like is to know that people won't be looking for things to criticise, they'll be looking for things to praise and admire :) I still attract a lot of the old kind and not many of the new. So I need to start being more authentic around real people and letting the good ones in.
I'm still very drawn to people who are harsh and judgemental that I need to prove myself to!? Isn't it weird?
-
(((((Tupp))))))
I wonder if maybe the harsh judgments you fear are actually your own, projected into whomever you meet?
IOW, sure, people can be shallow and make little remarks that feel judgmental. But unless they're truly mean, toxic, and out to hurt you...it could be that a lot of folks just aren't particularly sensitive and aren't weighing everything they spout. (Oh that they WOULD, I'm with you!).
Maybe the goal is to learn to be sooooooooooo at peace, content, trusting in your own goodness and life path...that any passing remark won't destablize you or deflate your joy like a farting balloon?
I think the focus is partly on picking safe/kind people, but most of it is probably about turning into your own harsh judgments of yourself...being convinced that this is what's filling up the brains of those you encounter.
It's probably not. They're probably not half as focused on your deficiencies as they are on...do I have a headache, yum I want to eat that, whaddoIgottado about dinner later, I'm tired, jeez when is spring, etc....
Am I off base? (Sure could be.)
Love to you,
Hops
-
Hi Twoapenny,
We humans come in so many varieties. I think that's why it's nearly impossible to 'nutshell' solutions in our responses to one another. So I'll skip trying to interject what works for me. However, I stumbled upon the term 'free range humans' tonight in an article I think was written by Anne Graham Lotz. So I scampered off to see what was online about the subject. As always, there's a mess of 'stuff', but one interesting book popped up. Lo and behold the title is, BE A FREE RANGE HUMAN - MARIANNE CANTWELL (PAPERBACK) NEW It has a 5 star rating ( I think ) on Amazon. I looked for used cheap copies but the price is still up there pushing $20 wherever I looked. There are some interesting comments (101) on Amazon about the book. So the public must be agreeing with her take on what it means to be a free range human. I want to read it, but I'm not willing to pay the price right now and I don't have Kendall. Just thought I'd pass on all I know about free range humans, because it sounds very interesting to me. One site offers a test to see if you are a free range human. I didn't take it because it smacked of 'I'm just out to get you, stupid'. I don't know if it was. Just my take.
Here's what I think is people are just people. You take them as they are or if you just can't take them, sprint away LOL. "The heart is wicked, who can know it?" Was that Solomon or David who said that?
tt
PS Well, looks like Free Range Humans focus is how to create a business life (well - our business is life, so I guess it's applicable) that makes you go to work every day smiling. I'm just guessing. Just the idea of being a free range human appeals to me.
Thanks TT, will have a look for that :)
-
(((((Tupp))))))
I wonder if maybe the harsh judgments you fear are actually your own, projected into whomever you meet?
IOW, sure, people can be shallow and make little remarks that feel judgmental. But unless they're truly mean, toxic, and out to hurt you...it could be that a lot of folks just aren't particularly sensitive and aren't weighing everything they spout. (Oh that they WOULD, I'm with you!).
Maybe the goal is to learn to be sooooooooooo at peace, content, trusting in your own goodness and life path...that any passing remark won't destablize you or deflate your joy like a farting balloon?
I think the focus is partly on picking safe/kind people, but most of it is probably about turning into your own harsh judgments of yourself...being convinced that this is what's filling up the brains of those you encounter.
It's probably not. They're probably not half as focused on your deficiencies as they are on...do I have a headache, yum I want to eat that, whaddoIgottado about dinner later, I'm tired, jeez when is spring, etc....
Am I off base? (Sure could be.)
Love to you,
Hops
Hi Hops,
I wrote a reply earlier and it vanished! So if two suddenly appear that is why :) But basically it said this:
I do know what you mean and I do agree with you. But I also feel I've got to a stage where I'm not willing to keep working on myself to try and attain that sort of zen like status where nothing matters so I can be around people who can't be bothered to think about what they say or who do nothing but gossip and criticise. I think it's more to do with the mindset of that sort of person rather than the actual comments themselves, if you see what I mean? For example, for my son's birthday I invited people I know for cake, more for him as we don't have family and I always feel bad that his birthday is just him and me. A lot of them are lovely, obviously, and I want to hang on to those people. But over the course of two days I had to listen to racist comments (which I find abhorrent), had 'jokes' about my not working and doing nothing all day (I gave up a professional career to look after my son and do fourteen to twenty hours a day with him, and I've pulled this person up about their 'jokes' before) and someone telling me that I shouldn't have a dishwasher as there are only two of us in the house. It's not so much the comments themselves, it's the kind of people that make those comments, if you see what I mean? In the same way that it isn't that I think my house ought to be cleaner or tidier, it's just knowing that some of the people coming will look for something to criticise - it's the mentality rather than the individual remarks, if that makes sense? I just feel I've got to a point where I don't want to have to listen to it, and equally I don't want to get into pitched battles about what people say, I'd rather just be around people who don't think like that in the first place? I think it's partly to do with getting older, I'm getting quite fussy about what I eat as well! perhaps quality gets more important as we age?
-
Yes. I get it. Constant shallowness, with pleasure in criticizing as the engine that keeps it going, is exhausting. Yes yes yes.
Finding people who don't do that...sounds like the right project to me!
My new neighbor is delightful and I'm very glad she moved in, but I sometimes get fatigued by her obsessive speculation about other people. Even other neighbors. She keeps asking me questions about what other people do/think/plan that I simply don't know answers to, and also speculates a great deal about what they expect, what they approve of or won't...etc. And she usually has some skirmish or drama going with someone in her life. To me, one of the key phrases she uses a LOT is: "People say..." and then she recounts loads of friends' opinions about what she's doing or not doing.
I've learned to be literal and ask her, "Gosh who are all these people who keep judging you? Sounds like you have a big group of people who say undermining things. I think you made a magnificent decision. Etc..."
It's wearing though I'm glad we're becoming friends. I am being watchful about boundaries because I think we handle them a bit differently.
hugs
Hops
-
Yes. I get it. Constant shallowness, with pleasure in criticizing as the engine that keeps it going, is exhausting. Yes yes yes.
Finding people who don't do that...sounds like the right project to me!
My new neighbor is delightful and I'm very glad she moved in, but I sometimes get fatigued by her obsessive speculation about other people. Even other neighbors. She keeps asking me questions about what other people do/think/plan that I simply don't know answers to, and also speculates a great deal about what they expect, what they approve of or won't...etc. And she usually has some skirmish or drama going with someone in her life. To me, one of the key phrases she uses a LOT is: "People say..." and then she recounts loads of friends' opinions about what she's doing or not doing.
I've learned to be literal and ask her, "Gosh who are all these people who keep judging you? Sounds like you have a big group of people who say undermining things. I think you made a magnificent decision. Etc..."
It's wearing though I'm glad we're becoming friends. I am being watchful about boundaries because I think we handle them a bit differently.
hugs
Hops
Yes she does sound a bit tiring, I find I've no energy for other people's dramas any more :) I feel I do see a lot of people for the sake of being nice and not rocking the apple cart and I think that's the bit I need to deal with - I know that no friendship/relationship is perfect and we all say and do things that can be rude/offensive/thoughtless and so on, but generally I think relationships should be mostly good with the odd annoyance that doesn't overshadow the good stuff and I don't feel like some of mine are like that! I've been thinking what it would be like if there were some people I never saw again and the answer is I wouldn't really miss them - it's not that I intensely dislike them but they just aren't fun to be around and I think I am lacking fun in my life :)
Speaking of fun - and I hope it's okay to ask - did you go out for a second date with the chap you mentioned a little while ago? :)
-
Hi Tupp,
Snow got in the way so we're going to see each other this coming weekend, I think.
Will keep you posted!
xo
Hops
-
Hi Tupp,
Snow got in the way so we're going to see each other this coming weekend, I think.
Will keep you posted!
xo
Hops
Fingers crossed all goes well, Hops, hope the snow has cleared up now :)
Am trying very hard to get out there and live rather than stay indoors and wonder - even if that just means going to the supermarket and having a quick chat with the lady on the check out.
Funny situation with a friend at the minute - in many ways she's a good friend but when we're on the phone (we live a long way from each other so can't meet in person that often) she talks about herself non-stop for about forty minutes and I can't get a word in. Happened again this morning - she'd sent me a lovely suprise gift through the post (this is an example of what a lovely friend she is) and I called her to thank her and literally if was forty minutes before I got in "I was ringing to say thanks" I got about four sentences out and she said she had to go and get ready. So the phone calls seem quite one-sided but everything else is good. I will need to think of a phone strategy, I think :)
-
Oh wow. I have had phone calls like that. I do not like it!
And in the past (I hope) when my anxiety levels were past the ozone layer, I've placed them.
Date report, similar subject: He's still smart, attractive, etc. But he talks nearly nonstop and though I got a few stories out, I always felt rushed (because I knew he'd cut me off again). He has some awareness because this morning he wrote me a priceless line: "Sometimes I wish I talked more about you and less about myself."
:lol:
Oy.
Hops
-
Oh wow. I have had phone calls like that. I do not like it!
And in the past (I hope) when my anxiety levels were past the ozone layer, I've placed them.
Date report, similar subject: He's still smart, attractive, etc. But he talks nearly nonstop and though I got a few stories out, I always felt rushed (because I knew he'd cut me off again). He has some awareness because this morning he wrote me a priceless line: "Sometimes I wish I talked more about you and less about myself."
:lol:
Oy.
Hops
With dates there's always the hope that all the talking is down to nerves and he might shush up a bit as he gets to know you :) It's hard, isn't it, it goes back to that thing of whether or not you should take the lead and butt in regardless or whether you just prefer to be with people who can listen as well as talk? I'm definitely in the latter camp at the minute but even that might just be tiredness, I am so worn out from dealing with life, I really need to find a way to have some daft crazy fun as often as I can, I really miss that.
I think I might start communicating with my friend via text and save the chat for times we get together - or just when she phones me so it isn't my phone bill that gets run up :) I hope your next date goes well, Hops, hopefully he'll ease up a bit and pause for a breath every now and again :)
-
Thanks, Tupp.
I decided my intuition was that this was his nature was strong enough to not drag it out. I really appreciate that after all this practice, I feel much more comfortable making decisions than I used to.
I wouldn't be happy with someone who has trouble showing interest in what I have to say. He just can't focus enough to listen. Wrote him a compassionate note about it, but did explain "What I really needed was for you to talk less, and show interest in what I had to say, and I sense it was a struggle. I understand, because you're recently heartbroken [his marriage ended and he acknowledges not being over it] and trying to find your balance. But I'm not the one for you. We both have interesting histories and strong personalities and I can't be a happy supporter or friend without reciprocity. Best wishes..."
He wrote back a very pleasant note saying he understood and appreciated my candor and that I was perceptive. And that if our paths ever crossed again he knew he would still like me.
No harm done in either direction and another positive date experience. Don't regret meeting him at all, he's quite interesting. And neither one of us sought to hurt the other.
All good. Farewells are okay.
Hops
-
Thanks, Tupp.
I decided my intuition was that this was his nature was strong enough to not drag it out. I really appreciate that after all this practice, I feel much more comfortable making decisions than I used to.
I wouldn't be happy with someone who has trouble showing interest in what I have to say. He just can't focus enough to listen. Wrote him a compassionate note about it, but did explain "What I really needed was for you to talk less, and show interest in what I had to say, and I sense it was a struggle. I understand, because you're recently heartbroken [his marriage ended and he acknowledges not being over it] and trying to find your balance. But I'm not the one for you. We both have interesting histories and strong personalities and I can't be a happy supporter or friend without reciprocity. Best wishes..."
He wrote back a very pleasant note saying he understood and appreciated my candor and that I was perceptive. And that if our paths ever crossed again he knew he would still like me.
No harm done in either direction and another positive date experience. Don't regret meeting him at all, he's quite interesting. And neither one of us sought to hurt the other.
All good. Farewells are okay.
Hops
Good for you, Hops, what a great way to deal with the situation, open and honest but kind and caring at the same time, that is a skill I need to cultivate. It's good when things are left nicely, just feels better than some nasty row or having to hide if you bump into them. All good experience too, which is something we all benefit from.
On the subject of friends...........................one of my major difficulties is that a lot of the people I know don't respond to my texts or phone messages, to such an extent that I gave up contacting some people because it would be months before they got back to me, if at all. I found the sense of rejection and the sense of not being important enough to them for them to reply too difficult and painful to deal with and I just stopped risking it. On top of that I've found it very hard to make new friends, partly because I just don't meet many people that I get on well enough with and partly because part of making friends is having to make a move, as it were, and risking being rejected again. It's just been too hard and the last two years have been incredibly lonely as a result. But...................I've been using a forum for a while now and have chatted to a few people i've enjoyed talking to and have managed to meet up with a couple of them and have an invite to look in on another when I'm in their area over the summer. I have all their numbers but haven't made an effort to contact them (for fear of being ignored) but this afternoon something came over me and I sent a few text messages out and ended up having some nice chit chats through the early evening with these new people. It just felt like a really good step in the right direction, plans have been made to all meet up over the course of this year and I am feeling like my person people situation finally seems to be moving in a different direction which feels really nice. Moving forwards rather than backwards or not moving at all, if feels like a nice change :)