Pondering

[Hopalong]

I had a first date tonight too...about a 5 I'd say.
Older than I'd expected (I'm in shock about old men, as
my last relationship, nearly a decade back, was with a
man 12 years younger). So I'm shocked that these
older gents appear. But I realize it's the way of
things when you're a woman in her 60s w/white hair.

He was very interesting though, enough to see again.

hugs
Hops

[BonesMS]

Thank you, everybody, and Bones, I'm really glad that you slept a bit better after that Reiki!

Well, the date was awful   But..........I went, and that was the main thing, I got out of the house, out of my rut and did it.  I really noticed as I was getting ready all the negative voices about my appearance so I pushed them away, made myself look the best I could and got on with it.  He was physically not my type at all, we ran out of things to talk about quite quickly and I made my excuses and left.  It was pouring with rain and the wiper on the driver's side broke on the way home so I had to drive with my head on the passenger side so I could see.  The best part of the whole night was the chat with the babysitter when I got home and my boy reading me a story he'd written while I was out   So yes, as dates go it was a 1 out of 10 but I am glad I got myself over the hump and got back out there in the real world again.  It wasn't great but the world didn't come to an end so I feel a bit more confident that I can cope with things as they happen

Thanks, (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))!  And you go, girl!!!!   

[Gaining Strength]

Good for you Twoapenny's.  Even if the guy was a dud.  You got out and received a wonderful story in return.

[Twoapenny]

I had a first date tonight too...about a 5 I'd say.
Older than I'd expected (I'm in shock about old men, as
my last relationship, nearly a decade back, was with a
man 12 years younger). So I'm shocked that these
older gents appear. But I realize it's the way of
things when you're a woman in her 60s w/white hair.

He was very interesting though, enough to see again.

hugs
Hops

The ageing thing is difficult, isn't it Hops, I see blokes and think no, he's too old and then realise he's the same age as me!  I think it's harder for men to hide age as well, women can dye their hair and use make up and clothes whereas men can't hide their bald patches and detract attention from their waistlines with a pretty necklace.  A 5 out of 10 is not bad, though, for a first date and it's great that you are going to meet with him again

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Bones and GS   I was thinking about it all today and what I noticed is different about me is that I wasn't critiquing the whole thing from the point of wondering what I had done wrong - it was just one of those things, no chemistry, nothing in common but it meant I was out and I think it's given me a really good boost even though it wasn't a good night if you see what I mean?  Just need to build up to going out on a date that I actually enjoy now

[Meh]

Ahhh ha ha ha, well happy V-Day everybody.   Two Penny and anybody who dates I think you are so BRAVE !!!!

[Hopalong]

TT, how did all that happen?

Inquiring minds want to KNOW!

xxoo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I always like hearing stories of how people got together, it's always interesting to know how people found each other

I did realise something today; I have quite a lot of trouble talking about myself, I find.  I think I'm just not used to anyone actually wanting to know anything about me, I'm more used to just being a foil for somebody else.  So I think that's why I struggle with it a bit.  So this week's task is to practise talking (I find it very difficult to give a long explanation about anything, more than a few seconds and I feel I'm hogging the conversation and it's really hard to tell a long story all the way through.  Need to work on that).  Not keen on internet dating, though, I feel it's too layered for me?  So am focusing on getting to places that I like more, difficult because of the situation with my son but not impossible so that's the next thing to work on - just meeting people and building up contacts I suppose.

[Meh]

You know when I think about this dates are kind of difficult in a few ways. Dates are so brief.  A woman I know for example had a male friend she swore up and down they were only friends, they have known each other for months before she finally told me recently that she figured out she likes him now. Shrug.

So now they are hanging out all the time. He made her some kind of steaks on Valentines day and cut them into shapes of hearts and all sorts of mushy stuff like that.

[Twoapenny]

You know when I think about this dates are kind of difficult in a few ways. Dates are so brief.  A woman I know for example had a male friend she swore up and down they were only friends, they have known each other for months before she finally told me recently that she figured out she likes him now. Shrug.

So now they are hanging out all the time. He made her some kind of steaks on Valentines day and cut them into shapes of hearts and all sorts of mushy stuff like that.

I think friends into romance can be quite a nice way of doing it, you get to know someone without the pressure   But then if it ends you've lost a friend as well, it never seems to work to going back to just being mates after something romantic.

I've continued with my pondering and I am starting to realise that those old patterns have pulled me in again.  I don't fit in with my family and I spent years pretending to be someone I'm not so they would like me but they still didn't.  When I had my son I spent years trying to fit in with the other mums in our area so that someone would like me but the still didn't.  When we moved back 'home' I spent time again changing who I was - or even hiding my real self - hoping that someone would want me!  But still no-one does.

I realised yesterday that I've done a lot of dumbing down and biting my tongue over the years.  It has taken me a while to catch on!  I need to be brave enough to just be myself and if other people don't like it, accept that and let them move on without it being a problem for me.  I still find rejection so hard to cope with.  But I need to be myself so that people who I truly connect with come into my life.  It happens online, because online you have that defence of not actually meeting face to face, of being able to dip in and out of contact, of being able to think about what you want to say before you say it, being able to edit and delete which gives you a control that just isn't there in real life.  So I'm able to be myself online.  I was so anxious yesterday, it's my son's birthday today (yay!  Happy Birthday little man ) and a few people were coming round, I know they'll criticise a lot about my house and the way I live (or I imagine they will), I run through the logical stuff in my mind and do the self talk etc, I went ahead and did it but I felt sick to my stomach all day, it's those old patterns still running.  What I'd really like is to know that people won't be looking for things to criticise, they'll be looking for things to praise and admire   I still attract a lot of the old kind and not many of the new.  So I need to start being more authentic around real people and letting the good ones in.

I'm still very drawn to people who are harsh and judgemental that I need to prove myself to!?  Isn't it weird?

[Hopalong]

(((((Tupp))))))

I wonder if maybe the harsh judgments you fear are actually your own, projected into whomever you meet?

IOW, sure, people can be shallow and make little remarks that feel judgmental. But unless they're truly mean, toxic, and out to hurt you...it could be that a lot of folks just aren't particularly sensitive and aren't weighing everything they spout. (Oh that they WOULD, I'm with you!).

Maybe the goal is to learn to be sooooooooooo at peace, content, trusting in your own goodness and life path...that any passing remark won't destablize you or deflate your joy like a farting balloon?

I think the focus is partly on picking safe/kind people, but most of it is probably about turning into your own harsh judgments of yourself...being convinced that this is what's filling up the brains of those you encounter.

It's probably not. They're probably not half as focused on your deficiencies as they are on...do I have a headache, yum I want to eat that, whaddoIgottado about dinner later, I'm tired, jeez when is spring, etc....

Am I off base? (Sure could be.)

Love to you,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Twoapenny,

We humans come in so many varieties.  I think that's why it's nearly impossible to 'nutshell' solutions in our responses to one another.  So I'll skip trying to interject what works for me.  However, I stumbled upon the term 'free range humans' tonight in an article I think was written by Anne Graham Lotz.  So I scampered off to see what was online about the subject. As always, there's a mess of 'stuff', but one interesting book popped up.  Lo and behold the title is, BE A FREE RANGE HUMAN - MARIANNE CANTWELL (PAPERBACK) NEW  It has a 5 star rating ( I think ) on Amazon.  I looked for used cheap copies but the price is still up there pushing $20 wherever I looked.  There are some interesting comments (101) on Amazon about the book.  So the public must be agreeing with her take on what it means to be a free range human.  I want to read it, but I'm not willing to pay the price right now and I don't have Kendall.  Just thought I'd pass on all I know about free range humans, because it sounds very interesting to me.  One site offers a test to see if you are a free range human.  I didn't take it because it smacked of 'I'm just out to get you, stupid'.  I don't know if it was.  Just my take.

Here's what I think is people are just people.  You take them as they are or if you just can't take them, sprint away LOL.  "The heart is wicked, who can know it?"  Was that Solomon or David who said that?

tt

PS  Well, looks like Free Range Humans focus is how to create a business life (well - our business is life, so I guess it's applicable) that makes you go to work every day smiling.  I'm just guessing.  Just the idea of being a free range human appeals to me. 

Thanks TT, will have a look for that

[Twoapenny]

(((((Tupp))))))

I wonder if maybe the harsh judgments you fear are actually your own, projected into whomever you meet?

IOW, sure, people can be shallow and make little remarks that feel judgmental. But unless they're truly mean, toxic, and out to hurt you...it could be that a lot of folks just aren't particularly sensitive and aren't weighing everything they spout. (Oh that they WOULD, I'm with you!).

Maybe the goal is to learn to be sooooooooooo at peace, content, trusting in your own goodness and life path...that any passing remark won't destablize you or deflate your joy like a farting balloon?

I think the focus is partly on picking safe/kind people, but most of it is probably about turning into your own harsh judgments of yourself...being convinced that this is what's filling up the brains of those you encounter.

It's probably not. They're probably not half as focused on your deficiencies as they are on...do I have a headache, yum I want to eat that, whaddoIgottado about dinner later, I'm tired, jeez when is spring, etc....

Am I off base? (Sure could be.)

Love to you,
Hops

Hi Hops,

 I wrote a reply earlier and it vanished!  So if two suddenly appear that is why   But basically it said this:

I do know what you mean and I do agree with you.  But I also feel I've got to a stage where I'm not willing to keep working on myself to try and attain that sort of zen like status where nothing matters so I can be around people who can't be bothered to think about what they say or who do nothing but gossip and criticise.  I think it's more to do with the mindset of that sort of person rather than the actual comments themselves, if you see what I mean?  For example, for my son's birthday I invited people I know for cake, more for him as we don't have family and I always feel bad that his birthday is just him and me.  A lot of them are lovely, obviously, and I want to hang on to those people.  But over the course of two days I had to listen to racist comments (which I find abhorrent), had 'jokes' about my not working and doing nothing all day (I gave up a professional career to look after my son and do fourteen to twenty hours a day with him, and I've pulled this person up about their 'jokes' before) and someone telling me that I shouldn't have a dishwasher as there are only two of us in the house.  It's not so much the comments themselves, it's the kind of people that make those comments, if you see what I mean?  In the same way that it isn't that I think my house ought to be cleaner or tidier, it's just knowing that some of the people coming will look for something to criticise - it's the mentality rather than the individual remarks, if that makes sense?  I just feel I've got to a point where I don't want to have to listen to it, and equally I don't want to get into pitched battles about what people say, I'd rather just be around people who don't think like that in the first place?  I think it's partly to do with getting older, I'm getting quite fussy about what I eat as well!  perhaps quality gets more important as we age?

[Hopalong]

Yes. I get it. Constant shallowness, with pleasure in criticizing as the engine that keeps it going, is exhausting. Yes yes yes.

Finding people who don't do that...sounds like the right project to me!

My new neighbor is delightful and I'm very glad she moved in, but I sometimes get fatigued by her obsessive speculation about other people. Even other neighbors. She keeps asking me questions about what other people do/think/plan that I simply don't know answers to, and also speculates a great deal about what they expect, what they approve of or won't...etc. And she usually has some skirmish or drama going with someone in her life. To me, one of the key phrases she uses a LOT is: "People say..." and then she recounts loads of friends' opinions about what she's doing or not doing.

I've learned to be literal and ask her, "Gosh who are all these people who keep judging you? Sounds like you have a big group of people who say undermining things. I think you made a magnificent decision. Etc..."

It's wearing though I'm glad we're becoming friends. I am being watchful about boundaries because I think we handle them a bit differently.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Yes. I get it. Constant shallowness, with pleasure in criticizing as the engine that keeps it going, is exhausting. Yes yes yes.

Finding people who don't do that...sounds like the right project to me!

My new neighbor is delightful and I'm very glad she moved in, but I sometimes get fatigued by her obsessive speculation about other people. Even other neighbors. She keeps asking me questions about what other people do/think/plan that I simply don't know answers to, and also speculates a great deal about what they expect, what they approve of or won't...etc. And she usually has some skirmish or drama going with someone in her life. To me, one of the key phrases she uses a LOT is: "People say..." and then she recounts loads of friends' opinions about what she's doing or not doing.

I've learned to be literal and ask her, "Gosh who are all these people who keep judging you? Sounds like you have a big group of people who say undermining things. I think you made a magnificent decision. Etc..."

It's wearing though I'm glad we're becoming friends. I am being watchful about boundaries because I think we handle them a bit differently.

hugs
Hops

Yes she does sound a bit tiring, I find I've no energy for other people's dramas any more   I feel I do see a lot of people for the sake of being nice and not rocking the apple cart and I think that's the bit I need to deal with - I know that no friendship/relationship is perfect and we all say and do things that can be rude/offensive/thoughtless and so on, but generally I think relationships should be mostly good with the odd annoyance that doesn't overshadow the good stuff and I don't feel like some of mine are like that!  I've been thinking what it would be like if there were some people I never saw again and the answer is I wouldn't really miss them - it's not that I intensely dislike them but they just aren't fun to be around and I think I am lacking fun in my life

Speaking of fun - and I hope it's okay to ask - did you go out for a second date with the chap you mentioned a little while ago?