Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: pennyplant on July 08, 2006, 04:11:49 PM
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This is a quick one, because I'm tired :wink:, but didn't want to lose my thought.
There have been times in my life when I've been tired, exhausted, etc. Often it has led to physical symptoms such as temporarily losing part of my eyesight (yeah, that was a weird sensation, and I'm glad it was temporary!), muscle pain, crankiness, all kinds of things really.
And then there have been times when my sleep patterns and amounts have been disturbed. I know there have been experiments to show what that does to reasoning skills and coordination. But I noticed something this week that relates to some of the things we talk about here.
I have been getting abnormally small amounts of sleep at erratic times of the day for about a week and a half due to my work schedule. Basically, it's because I had to start each day at 3:15 am. In general, I always try to get up an hour early to get ready for work. So, that means the alarm goes off (we have a CD player, so it's some favorite Coldplay music) at 2:15 am. The guys who always work these hours, and are therefore "used" to them, are both on vacation. So, I'm one of the people covering for them.
I get very wound up when I have to get up that early and often only sleep between 4 and 5 hours. But this week it has been more like 2 hours. Then I try and take a nap when I get home to make up for it. Another 2 hours at the most. And something interesting evolved. One of the "skills" that fell to the wayside this week, is my normal nervous defensiveness. I just haven't had the brain power to second guess everything I say and do. And I've been ever-so-slightly less inhibited. Not foolish or anything. But more ready to laugh at times. More able to have a sense of humor about myself. More expressive verbally. But if I feel quiet or less conversational, I haven't worried about that either! Just went about my business trying to fulfill my tasks until something occurred to me to talk about.
I felt this way for quite some time when I first got this job. But at that time I didn't connect it with sleep disturbance. That certainly had to be a factor back then. My job is far more physical than I was previously used to and the hours erratic so it took a long time to learn to just sleep when I had the chance. I'm fairly well adjusted now, but that first six months to a year I wasn't used to it yet and probably was sleep-deprived without realizing itl.
I love not having that "nervous defensiveness" always coming to the surface! It feels like I'm just being myself! Laid-back, not worried about what others may or may not be thinking. Just being cool 8) and confident. I want to bottle it!
Now, don't get me wrong. I absolutely do not intend to practice sleep deprivation as a means of becoming cool and laid-back. I like my sleep way too much. My hope is just to draw on the experience of how I have felt this week and find a way to tap into it on a more regular basis as a better way to be. I want to use this experience to change the tape in my head. I think this is an opportunity for such a change.
Any suggestions for new mental phrases that might play well in this situation? I'm totally serious. It seems to me that I might have it in me to let go of my normal (unreasonable) defensiveness. But I need a way to change my old habits and make the new ones more dominant on a day to day basis while still sleeping eight hours a day!
Pennyplant
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Hi Pennyplant
from C.S. Lewis, "The Screwtape Letters", chapter 30:
"Fatigue can produce extreme gentleness, and quiet of mind, and even something like vision. If you have often seen men led by it into anger, malice and impatience, that is because those men have had efficient tempters. The paradoxical thing is that moderate fatigue is a better soil for peevishness than absolute exhaustion. This depends partly on physical causes, but partly on something else. It is not fatigue simply as such that produces the anger, but unexpected demands on a man already tired. Whatever men expect they soon come to think they have a right to: the sense of disappointment can, with very little skill on our part, be turned into a sense of injury. It is after men have given in to the irremediable, after they have despaired of relief and ceased to think even a half-hour ahead, that the dangers of humbled and gentle weariness begin."
When one of my furbabies had to be tube fed every four hours to save her life, I was as meek and gentle as a lamb, the entire three weeks that this had to be done. I've never forgotten it. Everything was in proper proportion. I knew what was really important and what was not. And I was living on about three hours sleep a night, and getting that much only because of taking melatonin.
I wasn't able to hold onto the extraordinary detachment - I hope you will be able to. I remember it, and it's what I strive towards now...
[If you haven't heard of The Screwtape Letters, here's a link: it's a classic work of Christian fiction, letters from a senior devil in the Lowerarchy to a junior tempter on earth. You will be surprised... mainstream Anglican thought, then, was in some ways far ahead of mainstream US Christian thought now... more emphasis on justice, mercy, caring for the poor, avoiding pride and envy, etc. ...
http://members.fortunecity.com/phantom1/books2/c._s._lewis_-_the_screwtape_letters.htm# ]
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Stormy, you know exactly what I mean! And I do think it was a gift for both of you that you were able to nurse your furbaby for those three weeks. These are the kinds of things that truly matter in life. Just being open to love in all its forms.
Thank you for the link. This particular reading is very appropriate for me at this time. It's something I would not have connected with this topic on my own, though, so I'm glad it came to your mind to share it. I have read through the first three letters so far and will go back and keep reading. It seems that we certainly are living in a time period of being distracted by meaninglessness and a constant sense of injury.
Also, today I happened to read a short article by an acquaintance of mine who has a column in our local pennysaver. She told about a recent, temporary cycle of over work and how it kept her from spending the necessary time "being." And when the cycle was over, she became ill and was forced to be still and just "be". Then she went on to describe the idea that humans have had only a short period of existance and before we were humans, we were rocks, gases, trees, and single cells. The tree is her own best example of "being" and it is what she tries to emulate. In her readings, she came across the idea that the tree does not bow to criticism nor does it raise its nose to praise. It just is a tree. A part of the universe.
I'm guessing that once I get caught up on my rest, I may revert to my old defenses. But at least this time I have an understanding of what is going on and what is possible. I will know what it feels like to be detached and yet still a part of the universe. I will remember what it feels like to be myself. That's got to matter on some level.
Thank you very much, Stormy.
PP
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Storm, thank you, thank you for that awesome quote from CS Lewis! I have experienced that blissful exhaustion on four occasions in my lifetime, coming home following the births of each of my children. Such a deep, unshakeable calm inner sense of peace... as though I was outside of time. In the old home videos, I remember my voice is even different then... almost like a dreamy melody.
You have brought back to mind some very sweet memories, at just the right moment.
Pennyplant, you said: " It seems that we certainly are living in a time period of being distracted by meaninglessness and a constant sense of injury"
Yes, it seems that offense is increasing. Jesus said it this way in Matthew chapter 24:
10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.
We often hear about earth shattering events that supposedly portend the end of the world, but rarely is this little passage mentioned in discussions of apocryphal events. Many shall be offended and betray one another, hating one another, and the love of many shall wax cold. Gives me chills.
Hope
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wow, perfect synchronicity!
I just tuned in feeling vaguely anxious & a little despondent- I often get this dip in energy in the evening.
Sometimes it makes me want to drink, which I have to be careful with.
So what did I do to provoke myself, but look over the wedding photos from my friend ( she married the pompous guy who told me he could never view me as a friend! ) and the guy who messed me around at church was on them, and the woman he was also dating- looks like he is again )
I felt compelled to look somehow, though it was flooded with relief after in some ways- that these people are not very genuine or real, and I really do deserve to spend time with kinder people, but boy do I still feel angry at the pain they caused me when I was so sick.
Then I was worrying about a joke I made a few days ago, and a friend seems to have taken it to heart- even though I know it's not me and there have been loads of issues and I don't think he really wanted to hang around with us any more.
I was mulling all this over and logged on here and
Matthew chapter 24:
10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.
jumped out at me.
I have noticed a huge fragility with people's egos the past 3 years since I've been in TX.
You are rarely forgiven any misspoken word and people seem to enjoy taking offence because you don't think the same as them etc.
I have always had a personal policy of accepting people's apologies, and trying to keep friendships where possible ( though I do recognise this has also gotten me into trouble...and some people should be forgiven from a distance! )
Sometimes I wonder if I have just been really naive. But I know if I am more discerning, being loving and kind will attract good positive people alongside the users and actors.
I've been ever-so-slightly less inhibited. Not foolish or anything. But more ready to laugh at times.
no sleep triggers my bipolar mania. I become uninhibited and jolly and full of energy for a while....not to suggest you're bipolar, but maybe it's the same brain chemistry.
If I go without sleep entirely for several days as has happened with acute mania, I become psychotic.
I might have it in me to let go of my normal (unreasonable) defensiveness. But I need a way to change my old habits and make the new ones more dominant on a day to day basis while still sleeping eight hours a day!
isn't this part of the process, recognising what you need and looking for ways to get there?
I want to let go some of my defensiveness in relationships too- but not entirely until I am certain I can trust me to take care of me in a relationship!
That 'blessed sleep' is wonderful. I haven't felt it for years, maybe I need to chop wood or dig the garden or have a baby or something....
:D
Hope everyone is well, sending good vibes Boardward.
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Hi PP,
I can think of a phrase to meditate on once you sleep normally again...as you go through your day:
I am friends with the world.
Sounds childlike but maybe that's...what it is.
Hi Hope,
I remember that exhausted bliss after my D was born. So weary but so fulfilled. Three times! Lucky you. I did get a puppy kiss today.
Hi Write,
(Love "Boardward." :) )
I had the thought when reading yours that maybe some of the offense taking these days is because the whole world, particularly the Western world, now has PTSD.
((((everybody)))
Hops
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Hi Pennyplant,
I think of what you describe as shedding a skin. Suddenly you didn't need that nervous defensiveness, or lacked the energy to produce any, so it fell away, and you felt better. And noticed and embraced feeling better. Hope and blessings, PP, that you keep feeling better, lighter, even with more sleep. :D
Re. sleep deprivation, I'm a lifelong insomniac. Tried everything, many health consults. The most conclusive answer I got was from a renowned sleep-disorder specialist, who said I was 'wired wrong' and possibly had an adrenaline imbalance. I probably would have pursued futher answers, but then I got sick, really sick. It took me 2 hard and mostly sleepless years to get diagnosed (spent a full winter bedridden) with a chronic illness. Emotionally and physically, getting sick was my before and after.
I'm pretty careful about my health, and mostly well enough that no one who isn't medically attuned would guess what I'm living with. The bad news and good news are the same: the person I was before is gone. There are things I can't do, but a lot of my wasted energy traps fell away. Like shed skin. It didn't feel like a choice: more like what illness imposed. Maybe a case of physical reprioritization.
I'm much more aware now of the way I experience and hold stress physically. The negative consequences, in particular, of certain emotional loops and defenses. Which serves as a powerful motivator/teacher as to what's truly essential, and the emotional gift of being here now, living in the moment. Something I don't think I was capable of much in my 'before'. I grew up as the family's mood manager, throwing myself at everyone else's pain and stress, with no real idea of an emotional self at all.
Then God slowed me down. Showed me how it felt to accept, down to the core, that I was doing my best, with all the wonderful limitations 'best' can include. To finally learn how to say 'I can't' and 'I need'. That was my new, jaw-dropping, mental phrase for years, PP: Wow; this is Me, Doing my Best.
imho, with a lot of focus, support, and luck, everyone has the opportunity to shed many 'selves' in a lifetime, and learn from who's underneath. Like those Russian nesting dolls, matrioshkas, only in reverse: instead of getting smaller we feel bigger for all the emotional baggage we can learn to do without.
Amor Fati; love what is. Especially what's inside.
(((PP, Hops, Stormy, Hope, Write))) and everyone who wants one ((()))
luck and love to all,
LoH
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PP:
I love not having that "nervous defensiveness" always coming to the surface! It feels like I'm just being myself! Laid-back, not worried about what others may or may not be thinking. Just being cool and confident. I want to bottle it!
When you are not sleeping well your whole world looks different. In your case you have hit on something very interesting, though. This makes sense to me because in the end we are just dealing with energy. How we channel that energy is what affects the quality of our daily lives.
Since you are a little low on "stored energy" at the moment, on some level you must have made a decision that you cannot lend that energy to the negativity, but have to stay focused on your daily tasks. Wow! I am happy for you. What a breakthrough! Maybe once you get your hours straightened out you can take up strength training or cycling or waliking in order to continue to channel and direct and release this same energy.
ANewSheriff
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Hi Sherrif,
This was a breakthrough phrase for me, thank you!
...[when you're] a little low on "stored energy"....on some level you must [make]....a decision that you cannot lend that energy to the negativity
I can relate so much to sleep struggles. I used to journal all my dreams. Kept a big black bound sketchbook...and from the front, used it as a diary, for conscious thoughts, etc. From the back forward, used it as a dream journal. I took advice I'd read to keep it right by my bed with a pen, and grab it the second I awoke, writing down anything, even three words that were in my mind on waking. Sure enough, within a few weeks I was writing 3-4 page elaborate "movies" of dreams. I never kept at it long enough for the two parts of the book to meet in the middle, but it was important work when I was doing it, and I may go back to it for insight for another round.
Other sleep drama in my life is that despite normal weight, I have apnea. Have had two sleep studies done (years apart), and at the second, the technician said, yup, you have apnea, but you don't cease breathing often enough for your insurance to cover any treatment. And by the way, you have a roaring case of Restless Legs Syndrome.
So that's why my bed looked like a rototiller had passed through during the night! I also remember literally kicking my 6' 4-inch exH out of bed, in my sleep. (Poor guy didn't deserve it, actually. He was quite bewildered when he hit the floor.) Sleep has been a state I crave and a place where I do battle, all at once. I'm now on a mild dosage of an anticonvulsant which does help, but 2 nights ago I discontinued it temporarily since I'm SO groggy during the day now that I'm on a new AD, plus Ambien. Oy.
Thanks for bringing up sleep, PennyP. Your schedule must be terribly hard on your body, and take rigorous care to keep it from exhausting you. Hope you're getting more rest.
Yawn,
Hops
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I
do
not
know
why
I
can't
spell
Sheriff
Sheriff
Sheriff
Sheriff
Sheriff
Sheriff
Hops
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PennyP
Wow, I sure do hope yo can get some regular sleep soon.I would be going to my doctor because bipolar people are all messed up without sleep.
I think LoH really has something there .Your can get to the gentle space and still have sleep.
Your mind your soul does a lot of work at night that is important.So let us know how it is going.
Love,
Moon
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Hi all,
It's so amazing to me how a single topic like sleep can be related to so many interesting ideas that have been shared here. Sleep usually feels so good to me. I look forward to my naps. Sometimes that is my reward after I get home from work. I daydream until I can fall asleep and sometimes that is the thing I look forward to the most. The daydreaming. Sometimes I get some good ideas when I'm waking up but not wanting to get out of bed to start the day.
One morning in late 2004, about a month after my father had died, I was laying in bed and thinking about strings for some reason. Like puppet strings. And I remembered my father coming over once and launching a rocket with us and we lost it in some woods behind our house. So, I wrote this about it:
The Rocket
Remember when the boys were young,
and we launched rockets over the field behind the apple tree?
We tried different angles and lit the fuse.
Each time the rocket would shoot quickly above us,
the parachute would come out, and the rocket would slow right down,
and it would land in the grass where the boys could run after it
and bring it back to launch again.
The final time, we used a bigger engine
and the rocket took off like a bullet
and went straight up into the sky so fast and so far
we couldn't see it at first.
Then, finally, we could make out the rocket
floating on the waves of air under its parachute,
a small shiny star well above the trees of the woods beyond the field.
We imagined it resting forever in the sky,
traveling above the roads and train tracks and rivers,
never fighting the wind and rain.
We imagined it finally landing in a tree,
the parachute caught deep in its branches,
the rocket dangling by its threads,
swinging and turning,
fading over time,
becoming gray and cracked,
gathering dust from the weather
and debris from the animals.
We imagined it watching and listening,
cardboard and plastic,
metal and gun powder,
at peace.
Just a rough draft. I will probably do something different with it eventually. But I remember how it felt like something slipped into place once I got the idea out on paper. An idea that occurred to me when I was just laying there and waking up. Another reason why I really like sleep.
Pennyplant
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Yes, it seems that offense is increasing. Jesus said it this way in Matthew chapter 24:
10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another. 11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many. 12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.
We often hear about earth shattering events that supposedly portend the end of the world, but rarely is this little passage mentioned in discussions of apocryphal events. Many shall be offended and betray one another, hating one another, and the love of many shall wax cold. Gives me chills.
Am I remembering right that the Screwtape Letters are from the forties? And so was Orwell's 1984. So often prophecies seem to me to be more like a commentary about the times they were written in. It seems to me like the cycles occur over and over again and that somehow human society keeps re-building itself. So, while I too feel chills when reading of times when the world seemed to be ending, and did, in fact, end for so many people during so many terrible, terrible times like WWII--somehow the survivors go on. That is a tiny comfort sometimes. But it's something I keep in mind for our times. I do think Hops is right that we are all in for some rough times during the next few decades (another thread I guess, doesn't seem to be part of your comments on this one.) I kind of count on the idea that our descendents will go on and remember something of us and carry that forward.
I don't know where that hope comes from. I need it I guess.
PP
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I have noticed a huge fragility with people's egos the past 3 years since I've been in TX.
You are rarely forgiven any misspoken word and people seem to enjoy taking offence because you don't think the same as them etc.
I have always had a personal policy of accepting people's apologies, and trying to keep friendships where possible ( though I do recognise this has also gotten me into trouble...and some people should be forgiven from a distance! )
Sometimes I wonder if I have just been really naive. But I know if I am more discerning, being loving and kind will attract good positive people alongside the users and actors.
WRITE, I know very few people who can take things in stride. The ones who can be forgiving or who wouldn't even think something said in passing would need forgiving, are people I admire and try to emulate. I've lived in different parts of the country and am now living in my home town. It seems to be a place of thin skin and grudges. People here seem very unhappy in general. The calm ones seem the exception to me. But we stay here anyway. A somewhat related idea--the independent film, Buffalo 66, is a very good example of the mindset I find here in Western New York. I was just stunned when I saw that movie. It explained so much about my growing up years. Just a really sad set of people. So, perhaps that is why it can be naive to be accepting all the time without question. The others bring to it their own set of notions. Their own distrust. It's a real balancing act to learn to be your kind and open self around people who are not like that. But I think it's do-able. It's a learning process.
About the sleeplessness affecting the manic side of bi-polar--it has occurred to me at times that I might have a bi-polar tendency. Every so often, I'm quite animated and happy and unusually expressive when I ought to be cranky and non-functioning due to exhaustion. In fact, one of my co-workers made a similar comment to me once when I came to work one day feeling quite happy and confident after a terrible reaming out the day before by another co-worker. I told him, I didn't know about being bi-polar, but I was just going to go with it for now because I felt pretty damn good!
I'm not trying to make fun of bi-polar. But when I had this conversation at work I remembered, and understood, an incident from the past. My son once had a girlfriend who was bi-polar. She could be over-whelming to him. I asked him why she didn't take medication and he said, "She likes the way it (bi-polar) feels." Now I understand why she didn't want to lose that feeling by taking the medication. It can feel good. But I can also see where one has to be very, very careful not to go too far. That is why I will never experiment with purposeful sleeplessness. In fact, I have made getting enough rest one of my priorities. Most of the time I can work it out. Balance is very, very important. I would rather have balance and a good life, than the highs and lows even though that might be more "exciting".
Pennyplant
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I am friends with the world.
Sounds childlike but maybe that's...what it is.
.....................
I had the thought when reading yours that maybe some of the offense taking these days is because the whole world, particularly the Western world, now has PTSD.
Hopsy, I included your phrase in with my other phrases yesterday ("I am a good friend, etc."). It fits in with the rest and it also helps me find my place in the universe. I like it, thank you.
PTSD--oh, that makes so much sense. I do think we are living in a time when a whole lot from the past has come home to roost. I have always believed that one can go in one direction for only so long and then it's either just gotta stop or there's going to be a "correction" or a reaction. We have decades and centuries of abuse, misconceptions about ourselves and others, wars, climate changes, overwork, etc. We're living with the results of a lot of this right now. And I imagine things will get even more interesting as time goes on.
Pennyplant
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LoH, ANewSheriff, Moon, I'll be back later. I'm a little sleepy.....
Pennyplant
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Hi PP ,
I believe the rough times will come but not nearly in the strength that the old apocryphal prophesy .
What did Jesus say about mankind changing prophesy?
Anyway what is needed is less fear in the world and in our HEARTS .
The Earth I believe is headed for Great Peace.
Miracles do happen and did not Jesus feed the masses ?The birthing of peace on Earth.
Our children will have a new way to live in the world after some of the old idea's die out.
I am very optimistic like a lighthouse I will not ask how big the storm is ,I will try to have no fear.
The hope comes from the heart and it is the promise of the RAINBOW.
Moon
The light from heaven is about to break upon us...... to give light to those who sit in darkness, and to guide us to the path to peace
Luke 1:78
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Dear (((((((((((((((((PP)))))))))))))))))
I am glad you are sleepy .
We are all tippy toeing so you can sleep...................I believe one is always "conscious" even in sleep .
A lot of healing is done in sleep PP.Everyone needs that REM sleep. :D
Much Love,
Moon
The light from heaven is about to break upon us...... to give light to those who sit in darkness, and to guide us to the path of peace Luke1:78
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Dear Moon,
Thank you for tiptoeing! I slept about two hours. Two of my cats were there the whole time. It took some maneuvering for them to get comfortable but each found a good spot, including me, and we slept away part of the afternoon.
I do feel hopeful about the future. Just keeping my eyes open is all. When I hear people getting very angry that gas is over three dollars a gallon, I wonder, what they will do when it is four dollars or five dollars and everything else goes up accordingly. Because it will. I just hope more people will come to their senses then and change their priorities to their kids, spouses, homes, etc. The real stuff. I would like to see people slow down more. Give up the materialistic grabbing.
I think I remember you saying you and the girls were going to see Johhny Depp this past weekend. My son went too and liked it quite a bit. What did you guys think of it? I want to see it myself. It sounds like it was funny and interesting to watch. Of course, it is Johhny Depp 8) .
Love, PP
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I think of what you describe as shedding a skin. Suddenly you didn't need that nervous defensiveness, or lacked the energy to produce any, so it fell away, and you felt better. And noticed and embraced feeling better. Hope and blessings, PP, that you keep feeling better, lighter, even with more sleep. :D
I'm pretty careful about my health, and mostly well enough that no one who isn't medically attuned would guess what I'm living with. The bad news and good news are the same: the person I was before is gone. There are things I can't do, but a lot of my wasted energy traps fell away. Like shed skin. It didn't feel like a choice: more like what illness imposed. Maybe a case of physical reprioritization.
I'm much more aware now of the way I experience and hold stress physically. The negative consequences, in particular, of certain emotional loops and defenses. Which serves as a powerful motivator/teacher as to what's truly essential, and the emotional gift of being here now, living in the moment. Something I don't think I was capable of much in my 'before'. I grew up as the family's mood manager, throwing myself at everyone else's pain and stress, with no real idea of an emotional self at all.
Then God slowed me down. Showed me how it felt to accept, down to the core, that I was doing my best, with all the wonderful limitations 'best' can include. To finally learn how to say 'I can't' and 'I need'. That was my new, jaw-dropping, mental phrase for years, PP: Wow; this is Me, Doing my Best.
imho, with a lot of focus, support, and luck, everyone has the opportunity to shed many 'selves' in a lifetime, and learn from who's underneath. Like those Russian nesting dolls, matrioshkas, only in reverse: instead of getting smaller we feel bigger for all the emotional baggage we can learn to do without.
Amor Fati; love what is. Especially what's inside.
LoH,
It sounds like you have made peace with the limitations and made the limitations into a new freedom. I'm betting that if you could make your medical condition go away, you still wouldn't want the old "you" back. You've grown. That's what I'm after.
I wonder about my old stubbornness. What was it really all about? It seems less difficult now for me to be willing to give up what doesn't work. And to see that it doesn't work. Is it partly the toxic shame I felt all my life mixed in with pride? Or trying to feel safe on some level? Maybe I just never knew the lightness I might feel or the possibility of happiness without all my old crutches. I don't think I ever stopped long enough to be able to feel it or see it. I was convinced I was right to be defensive, angry, tense. I had reasons for everything I did. Anybody who tried to tell me different seemed kind of stupid to me. Or like they weren't listening.
I remember meeting a woman in our church (the few times we went) who was really "out there". Just happy and full of enthusiasm, like a fuzzy-haired cheerleader. Not a negative bone in her body. I did not know what to make of her. I thought she was completely weird. Over the top. I have run into her over the years (sometimes literally). She is like a tornado sometimes with her energy. Even now in her 70s. I don't want to become like her because that's just not who I am. But I value her viewpoint in a way I never could have before. She really participates in everything she does. I bet her kids and grandkids appreciate her. The family used to host foreign exchange students all the time. I bet they appreciated her too.
Well, this kind of got off on a tangent. I should say then, even catching up on my rest, it seems like I've been okay with letting my defenses stay down the past couple of days. It does feel way better not getting riled up over little things that come along. I'm going to keep at it at any rate.
Pennyplant
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Since you are a little low on "stored energy" at the moment, on some level you must have made a decision that you cannot lend that energy to the negativity, but have to stay focused on your daily tasks. Wow! I am happy for you. What a breakthrough! Maybe once you get your hours straightened out you can take up strength training or cycling or waliking in order to continue to channel and direct and release this same energy.
Sometimes I think my best "decisions" make themselves! I started with my current job over five years ago. It was completely different from anything I ever did before or ever thought I would be doing. I had been out of work for four months previously (walked out on a good job with a bad N boss) and hadn't had much luck with job-hunting till this one came along.
The first six months probably, I was just completely exhausted and also kind of overwhelmed mentally. Learning new tasks that didn't really have any application in the real world. Just had to go day by day doing what people told me even if I didn't understand it. Performing at a physical level that I was completely unused to. And only my pride kept me going sometimes. I truly just concentrated on my tasks at hand, then went home and didn't think about work until the next day.
After about a year, my job got even harder yet. It brought me to my outer limits physically. Really showed me what I could do if I had to. Fortunately, I didn't have to tap myself out. I was able to change to something more reasonable for me just in the nick of time.
But it did teach me a lot. And sometimes now I will remind myself that if I don't understand things, or am not feeling all that great, I can just concentrate on the tasks at hand. It can be somewhat ritualistic and repetitive. And that does bring me to a different level sometimes. I think my co-workers who actually enjoy their jobs have discovered this aspect of it.
The last few years then have been like a slow transformation. Shedding skin like LoH says. I would say, though, that I have made the most progress from my time spent on this board. I don't believe I ever would have thought of so many of these things all on my own. Plus, having a place to talk out the ideas really helps.
It might be a few years before I have a regular schedule at my job. In a way, I'm glad it is not going to happen right away. It seems like I have more to learn and this is the time when much of it can happen. Since I can't have much of an impact on when I will have a better job, it seems like a waste of energy any more to worry about it. I have worried about it quite a bit--hope I don't wind up with that job, that other person will take the one I want, etc. But it's truly out of my hands. So, I'm going to just do the day by day thing and trust it to turn out in a way that is right for me.
Pennyplant
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Hi PP,
Things you wrote here were so comforting and helpful to me, thank you.
I don't understand things, or am not feeling all that great, I can just concentrate on the tasks at hand. It can be somewhat ritualistic and repetitive. And that does bring me to a different level sometimes. I think my co-workers who actually enjoy their jobs have discovered this aspect of it.
AND
Since I can't have much of an impact on when I will have a better job, it seems like a waste of energy any more to worry about it. I have worried about it quite a bit--hope I don't wind up with that job, that other person will take the one I want, etc. But it's truly out of my hands. So, I'm going to just do the day by day thing and trust it to turn out in a way that is right for me.
I am very aware that the clock is running just as fast as it was when I was ignoring it (I completely quit jobhunting for about a month)...and Sept. 30 is bearing down. However, doing even the job search as a DAY BY DAY thing, will really help me cope.
Plus, I'm noticing that a DAY BY DAY approach to my brother's visit, instead of chronic fretting, is working too. It's been quite peaceable (though I have taken my laptop to work with me, since the trust is not there). But...there's been not much tension either. I'm glad. Who knows, this may be his last visit with Mom at her age, so I've been happy to stay out of their way and let them enjoy each other.
Anyway, PP, thank you for the DAY BY DAY reminder! I know it's common sense spirituality, but I so often spend half my energy on a terrifying future that I have no idea about, or the sad past that is over. Stoooooopid.
I'm giving a summer sermon at my church Jul. 23 and I'm happy about it.
love,
Hops
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Hopsy,
I'm glad some of the things here are helpful to you. I really like how this thread has turned out. A lot of insightful ideas and sharing. It is amazing to me that I can feel the evolution going on in myself. It's gradual and I still do get those sharp little feelings of.... fear or worry or something that doesn't have a name. But each time I read a new post, and it just works its way into me, I can feel it doing some magic in there. It is so nice to tell about a little something that has happened in my day to day life and find that it strikes a chord with someone else in a slightly different way.
Change of subject:
Do you know yet what you would like to talk about in your summer sermon? I'm interested in hearing about the topic and what you might include in the sermon.
Pennyplant
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Hops,
S - H- E - R - I - F - F
If that is as bad as your mishaps get today, you are going to have a terrific day! :lol:
ANS
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Hi again Pennyplant,
You know, imho, you're writing here like someone who's just found another level. Does it feel that way, that good for you? I hope so.
I wonder about my old stubbornness. What was it really all about? It seems less difficult now for me to be willing to give up what doesn't work. And to see that it doesn't work. Is it partly the toxic shame I felt all my life mixed in with pride? Or trying to feel safe on some level? Maybe I just never knew the lightness I might feel or the possibility of happiness without all my old crutches. I don't think I ever stopped long enough to be able to feel it or see it. I was convinced I was right to be defensive, angry, tense. I had reasons for everything I did. Anybody who tried to tell me different seemed kind of stupid to me. Or like they weren't listening.
[/color]
These sound like great reasons to cling to stubbornness, PP. Also, for me at least (F.'s childhood 'pet' name for me=Bullhead. Ick), stubbornness arose from being parked at the self-serve pump by my parents at a young age. So it was a hard thing to give up, making snap decisions and sticking to my guns no matter what. Maybe a big part of the difference for you now is that you're in a healthier place, and have the emotional room and knowledge to step back, reflect, and say, Hey, this isn't working..so why not let it go? I think that's all but impossible to do as a child, when we have to cling to whatever self-defenses (pure reaction, mostly) seem to get us through.
After about a year, my job got even harder yet. It brought me to my outer limits physically. Really showed me what I could do if I had to. Fortunately, I didn't have to tap myself out. I was able to change to something more reasonable for me just in the nick of time.
But it did teach me a lot. And sometimes now I will remind myself that if I don't understand things, or am not feeling all that great, I can just concentrate on the tasks at hand. It can be somewhat ritualistic and repetitive. And that does bring me to a different level sometimes. I think my co-workers who actually enjoy their jobs have discovered this aspect of it.
[/color]
Thanks for this, PP. It's a comforting solution I'd like to try more consciously, like you describe. Sounds like wise acceptance. As does what you said about not wasting energy on job worries. The good news is, then it stays positive energy you can direct elsewhere. Toward your intention. (btw, this non-worry positivity just worked for me. Resigned my job with N boss yesterday for a better one!)
As obvious as it may sound, I think usually the smartest thing we can do with our brains is recognize what is optional vs. necessary. With work, at home, in our hearts. I've used that as a stop: okay, recognize the emotion, accept the why of it...then consider how much energy I'm gonna' throw there, how much room I'd really like to make for, say, irritation. I'd say less the better feels best.
Amen to what you said about coming here, PP. I feel the same, that people share things every day that I may have never considered otherwise. Feels so good. Little building blocks dropping into my heart.
And Hops, I'm with PP about your sermon. If you'd feel comfortable, would love to hear some of it. You've written so movingly here about the struggle with loneliness and isolation and it's an issue for so many people. Hope, if you like, you'll share the good word.
Best to everyone,
LoH
PS- hate to put it here, but just ran out of time for a 2nd post. I'm leaving for a bit due to my Mom's (hopefully minor) surgery. No need to respond, please, especially not on Penny's great thread, but if you could keep a good thought for her it'd mean a lot to me. Thanks.
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Penny, Light, and...Sharif :D--
It's about loneliness. (I'd like to post what we put in the bulletin but it's on my laptop which is locked in my car since my brother's here until Friday. Sad, that. But I found I couldn't go meet a friend last night because of unease over whether he'd raid my computer again, so I did that.) :(
Instead of talking about the sermon in more detail beforehand (that tends to derail my writing), I'll be glad to send it to anyone after it's written. Honored.
Thanks for asking (I was hinting, wasn't I!?) :shock:
(((())))
Hops
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Hopsy,
Put me on your mailing list, okay? You don't even have to hint with me--I always want to read what you write.
.....for me at least (F.'s childhood 'pet' name for me=Bullhead. Ick), stubbornness arose from being parked at the self-serve pump by my parents at a young age. So it was a hard thing to give up, making snap decisions and sticking to my guns no matter what. Maybe a big part of the difference for you now is that you're in a healthier place, and have the emotional room and knowledge to step back, reflect, and say, Hey, this isn't working..so why not let it go? I think that's all but impossible to do as a child, when we have to cling to whatever self-defenses (pure reaction, mostly) seem to get us through.
..................
PS- hate to put it here, but just ran out of time for a 2nd post. I'm leaving for a bit due to my Mom's (hopefully minor) surgery. No need to respond, please, especially not on Penny's great thread, but if you could keep a good thought for her it'd mean a lot to me. Thanks.
This makes so much sense about the stubbornness. I never would have thought of this. Have always attributed it to yet another flaw in myself. Being parked at the self-serve pump by my parents. That is my childhood in a phrase. If I couldn't do it myself, then it wasn't going to happen, not for long anyway. If it involved effort on the part of my parents, then it was short-lived at best. I have always thought of myself as a little pioneer heading out into the wilderness without a map or guide. Just muddling my way along and not getting very far. Being so vulnerable all the time. And, yes, always having to react, making snap decisions all on my own mostly.
In the beginning of your post, you asked if it feels like I've found another level. Yes, it does feel something like that. It feels good sometimes. Mostly it feels strange. Like I'm in training. Probably because it is still quite new to feel this way most of the time.
LoH, let us know when you get back and how things go. All my best to you and your mom.
Love, Pennyplant
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Hi Pennyplant,
How are things on the new PP frontier? I hope your journey is still treating you well.
I have always thought of myself as a little pioneer heading out into the wilderness without a map or guide. Just muddling my way along and not getting very far. Being so vulnerable all the time. And, yes, always having to react, making snap decisions all on my own mostly.
Perspective is a funny thing, isn't it? I read this and saw you as brave and determined, breaking your own path, and just plugging away, in spite of the obstacles. Striving. For what it's worth, imho, you've come a very long way from where you started (PP the person, and PP the spouse and mother) especially considering you had to find your own grace without a lot of support or direction in childhood.
Thanks for your kind words about my Mom. She's doing well...the surgery was rough and her hand won't be quite the same, but the excellent news is no cancer. Whew! Afterwards, her surgeon said he thought it was malignant going in, so we're very grateful. Mom says she's going to get a parrot and a pirate's hat to go with her crooked hand, maybe charge tourists to pose for pictures with her. :shock:
Hugs to you, Pennyplant.
:D
LoH
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Penny,
I think you are amazing. Just amazing, considering:
Being parked at the self-serve pump by my parents. That is my childhood in a phrase.
Whatever your raw materials were, you have burnished them to a copper penny shine.
(Ever read "Brown Penny", the poem by Yeats? I always loved that one.)
LoH,
Your mother sounds like a love. Imagine, a mother with a sense of humor!
(I barely can...but I believe she's real. And must have given you a lot of good stuff.)
Hops
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Hi Hops.... can you put me on the mailing list for your sermon too. Thanks :)
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Hi Hops , Is this where a person can sign on for the mailing list for your sermon ............. ? thx :D
P.S
Hi PP ,I have found the secret to sleeping well you have to find a magic pillow :lol: I found one not too soft .................................
so be careful when you go out pillow shopping .
Love
Moon
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Sure I will, MS and Moon.
I'll just PM it to people.
Still writing...it's not as good as my first one was, so far.
There's some tough things about loss in it and I have
one friend dying of ovarian cancer and then heard from another one
two days ago that she ALSO has cancer--colon--and it may have spread to be ovarian.
It is so strange and so very very sad.
I'm just selfish, I don't want to lose them.
(My second friend, the closest, just heard me today about the ovarian mass.
Yesterday they thought it was just one spot on the colon...but that was pre-CT.)
Hops
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Hops When loved ones are ill so very hard.And so sad . :(
This is so hard gets you right in the chest to where you think you can not breathe or take a step or want to get out of bed.
Then we know we must and we find that strength.That golden heart strength that lightly lights us up and on anyway thu the pain and thu the sleepless nights and it all Hops anyone tell you you are kind lately? I love the word kind .
MoonLight
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Hi LoH and Hops,
I should be able to post to this thread again in a couple of days. I'm working quite a bit and haven't had time to gather my thoughts properly. Also having some insights that I need to digest. Maybe I will be able to share them soon.
Pennyplant
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Perspective is a funny thing, isn't it? I read this and saw you as brave and determined, breaking your own path, and just plugging away, in spite of the obstacles. Striving. For what it's worth, imho, you've come a very long way from where you started (PP the person, and PP the spouse and mother) especially considering you had to find your own grace without a lot of support or direction in childhood.
Ah, thank you LoH, for calling me brave and determined, just plugging away. It seems I'm ready now to see the past with that kind of a perspective. I'm ready to let go of the disappointments and regrets. I'm finally seeing that I had to learn some things in a certain way. And I am learning them. I am beginning to value my existance for what it is, not for what I thought it should be.
Once, when I was a mail carrier, a customer came to her door while I was delivering her mail, and she said, "Wow, you must be very brave to do this job!" And she meant it. She sounded absolutely in awe. And it took me some thinking to figure out what she might have meant. It does take some bravery I suppose to take responsibility for handling someone else's important mail, go to the homes of strangers and find your way around the porch or the side door or even talking to them and asking for signatures, etc. Looking them in the eye, taking care of their property while you are there, walking on streets where maybe you've never been there before in your life, or it seems not so safe, or just the opposite, it seems too rich for you to even be there. I did the job because it was what I was paid to do. But I guess I could have said, nope, this isn't for me. Or I could've done a not so great job. Perhaps it does take some bravery to do certain things. To me it was not that much of a stretch from what I've had to do my whole life. All the times I had to walk to school and go by kids who picked on me. All the times I had to get myself to dance lessons or the park or a new friend's house, because nobody wanted to take me or go with me. All the times we have moved and had to learn a new town or city. I thought I did these things because I had to. But it is more likely that I chose this kind of life because I wanted to or needed to. So, maybe there is some "brave" in there. I would like to think so.
On ReallyMe's thread about not being here, I have posted an insight I had this weekend. For me, gaining insight is everything. So, I would say the journey is going well. I'm learning some things I set out to learn. It feels like another puzzle piece slipped into place. After a week of feeling lonely and starting to lose hope, then comes this weekend of understanding and starting to feel good about being me. It seems that the depressions last for shorter and shorter amounts of time. Letting myself feel my feelings seems to be part of what is making the difference. I suppose I should know better by now that feelings of sadness and loneliness always resolve in time. But in the midst of it, I do start to think, oh, is this how I'm going to feel from now on? I do start to worry even though I really do know better. I get a little scared when it seems to be lasting too long and I seem to be out of ideas. But I don't need to have all the ideas myself. And that is such a good thing.
LoH, I'm so glad your mother got a good diagnosis. I bet she feels just giddy to have a second chance. She had to be kind of scared when it was thought she might have cancer. Very, very good news!
Pennyplant
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Hi Hopsy,
I haven't read Yeats at all!!! Oh, I have so much filling in to do. I will look for "Brown Penny". You know, I have always loved to read all my life. But most of my reading has been biography and autobiography. I guess if I couldn't always have the real people in my life that I wanted, then stories of real people would have to suffice. Also, spent many years reading about the holocaust. I probably have read two dozen or more books by survivors and seen many of the films made about these people as well. The subject of the holocaust seems to have appealed to my need to know what people are really "made of".
Thank you for saying I'm amazing--I think there are many, many amazing people here. I'm so glad to have found this place. I like seeing how everyone is turning out!
Pennyplant