Intro Note (from LoH)/Text on Bullying
Dear Folks,
Repeat bullying is why I chose to stop posting here, with sadness. In the same way that an atmosphere of mutual respect and basic civility encourages free speech and welcomes new voices to the table, I think verbal scorn and disparagement send toxic ripples into the VESMB community. The stress and intimidation generated by verbal bullying, imho, accumulate and extend beyond the instigator(s) and target(s) of any one act of bullying.
To clarify, I would draw a distinction between calling behavior bullying and calling someone a bully. As character assessment, imho, ‘bully’ sounds absolute and dismissive, just like any other name-calling. Identifying behavior as bullying, especially repeat behavior, I think, is a necessity of dealing with its consequences. I found the text reprinted below very useful, but I disagree with the author’s choice of ’bully’ as a label.
Disagreements, even impassioned ones, are a part of life. Exactly when fair comment crosses a line into derogatory speech isn’t always as clear-cut as name-calling and threats. I think bullying speech is usually belittling and toxic. Toxic accusation usually goes beyond objections and/or disgreement regarding someone else's words and disparages that person’s intent, character, or motives. The most common responses to this kind of bullying are angry and/or defensive responses or walking away—all responses that shift attention away from the person doing the bullying and their behavior.
Anyone can take offense, react defensively, or make accusations in the moment. Most people, imho, do this rarely, and later take responsibility for their behavior, express regret, and apologize or make amends. A person for whom belittling accusatory outbursts are a behavior pattern, accompanied by denial and/or justification in the moment and afterwards, evidences serial bullying and, statistically, is at a tremendous risk of repeating. Some people who vent their anger this way will repeat the pattern indefinitely across their life rather than take responsibility for their behavior and its affect on others. This would be my 100% flawed and subjective opinion…also 100% consistent with my experience around bullying behavior.
(If this info is helpful to one person, that’d be the best goodbye gift I could imagine leaving at VESMB, where I’ve reaped such benefits from all the generous and helpful information and heartfelt personal sharing from y’all. Thanks for all you've given me here!)
The following text on bullying was posted on www.bullyonline.org, website of the UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line. I edited for length and relevance, also, to a small degree for content: I tried to eliminate the most absolute, potentially inflammatory and judgmental language about bullying; with it, mentions of personality disorders and several bullying/narcissism comparisons. I stuck to Attention-Seeking Bullying only, as a type, because seemed to mirror virtually all of the bullying I’ve observed here. I chose a thread rather than What Helps for this, because it struck me as potentially unwelcoming, possibly intimidating, material to place at an entry point for new VESMB visitors looking to share around healing and recovery.
Definition of workplace bullying by Tim Field
"Bullying is a compulsive need to displace aggression and is achieved by the expression of inadequacy (social, personal, interpersonal, behavioural, professional) by projection of that inadequacy onto others through control and subjugation (criticism, exclusion, isolation etc). Bullying is sustained by abdication of responsibility (denial, counter-accusation, pretence of victimhood) and perpetuated by a climate of fear, ignorance, indifference, silence, denial, disbelief, deception, evasion of accountability, tolerance and reward (eg promotion) for the bully."
Tim Field, 1999
"All cruelty springs from weakness."
(Seneca, 4BC-AD65)
"The truth is incontrovertible; malice may attack it, ignorance my deride it, but in the end, there it is."
Winston Churchill
I estimate one person in thirty, male or female, is a serial bully. Who does the following profile describe in your life?
The serial bully:
- is possessed of an exceptional verbal facility and will outmanoeuvre most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict
- is unusualy skilled in being able to anticipate what other people want to hear and then saying it plausibly.
- is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchability
- shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn't flow and arguments that don't hold water
- is evasive and has a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability
- undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask
- is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account
- is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)
- when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
- often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself
- knows the words but not the song
Responsibility
The serial bully appears to lack insight into his or her behaviour and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof; however, it is more likely that the bully knows what they are doing but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound. If the bully knows what they are doing, they are responsible for their behaviour and thus liable for its consequences to other people. If the bully doesn't know what they are doing, they should be suspended from duty on the grounds of diminished responsibility and the provisions of the Mental Health Act should apply.
From casework I've been able to identify four primary types of serial bully:
The Attention-Seeker
Motivation: to be the centre of attention
Malice: medium to high; when held accountable, very high
- emotionally immature
- is cold and aggressive towards anyone who sees them for what they really are or exposes their strategies for gaining attention
- manipulative of people's perceptions, but in an amateur and childish manner
- manipulative with guilt, ditto
- everything is a drama, usually a poor-me drama
- prefers not to solve problems in own life so that they can be used and re-used for gaining sympathy and attention
- capitalises on issues and uses them as a soapbox for gaining attention
- exploits others’ suffering and grief as a soapbox for gaining attention
- misappropriates others' statements, eg anything which can be misconstrued as politically incorrect, for control and attention-seeking
- excusitis, makes excuses for everything
- shows a lot of indignation, especially when challenged
- lots of self-pity
- demanding of others
- easily provoked
- feigns victimhood when held accountable, usually by bursting into tears or claiming they're the one being bullied and harassed
- presents as a false victim when outwitted
- may feign exclusion, isolation or persecution
- consistently tries and will do almost anything to be in the spotlight
Avoiding acceptance of responsibility - denial, counterattack and feigning victimhood
The serial bully is an adult on the outside but a child on the inside; he or she is like a child who has never grown up. The bully wants to enjoy the benefits of living in the adult world, but is unable and unwilling to accept the responsibilities that go with enjoying the benefits of the adult world. In short, the bully has never learnt to accept responsibility for their behaviour.
When called to account for the way they have chosen to behave, the bully instinctively exhibits this recognisable behavioural response:
a) Denial: the bully denies everything.
b) Retaliation: the bully counterattacks. The bully quickly and seamlessly follows the denial with an aggressive counter-attack of counter-criticism or counter-allegation, often based on distortion or fabrication.
Both a) and b) are delivered with aggression in the guise of assertiveness; in fact there is no assertiveness (which is about recognising and respecting the rights of oneself and others) at all.
c) Feigning victimhood: in the unlikely event of denial and counter-attack being insufficient, the bully feigns victimhood or feigns persecution by manipulating people through their emotions, especially guilt…
Other tactics include manipulating people's perceptions to portray themselves as the injured party and the target as the villain of the piece.
By using this response, the bully is able to avoid answering the question and thus avoid accepting responsibility for what they have said or done. A further advantage of the denial/counter-attack/feigning victimhood strategy is that it acts as a provocation. The target, who may have taken months to reach this stage, sees their tormentor getting away with it and is provoked into an angry and emotional outburst after which the bully says simply "There, I told you s/he was like that". By tapping in to and obtaining an inappropriate release of pent-up anger the bully plays their master stroke and casts their victim as villain.
Reflection
Serial bullies harbour a particular hatred of anyone who can articulate their behaviour profile, either verbally or in writing - as on this page - in a manner which helps other people see through their deception and their mask of deceit. Serial bullies hate to see themselves and their behaviour reflected as if they are looking into a mirror.
Projection
Bullies project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviours etc on to other people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it (learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention away from themselves and their inadequacies. Projection is achieved through blame, criticism and allegation; once you realise this, every criticism, allegation etc that the bully makes about their target is actually an admission or revelation about themselves.