Hi Penelope,
It's very good to hear from you here. These are good ideas, imho, some excellent ones. Thanks for recirculating 'em for another air out.
A lot of good ideas were thrown out, then I think people got scared to talk about them. Some points that were brought up:
1. what constitutes sarcasm? (anyone can answer if they like)
2. how does it feel to be reacted to with sarcasm?
Imho, there are degrees of sarcasm. For instance, self-mocking sarcasm (and, within that category, different types; from gentle self-mocking to really going after yourself) where you're your own target, as opposed to belittling sarcasm directed at someone else. Sometimes sarcasm isn't pointed at any people at all and that can feel different than laughing
at someone sarcasm.
I think the context, audience, and the trust (or lack of) shared by the people who sarcasm passes between has much to do with how it feels. Perceived intent, subjective as it is, is big. Kick-someone-when-they're down sarcasm, to me, feels like a low blow and I cringe when I perceive it. For instance, someone has just fallen down in public, or goofed up, or just admitted to feeling hurt or or any kind of vulnerability. Implicit in this type, to me, is a lack of compassion, in the moment. Not being able to see, There but for the grace of God...,and using someone else's misfortune as an opportunity for a cheap laugh or to vent some bitterness.
I saw someone kick someone this way with sarcasm, repeatedly; an obviously scared guy who was giving a public speech, and the sarcasm-flinger got many laughs. It sickened me. The speaker was shaking, red-faced and looked ready to run out of the room. The facilitator did nothing, so I finally said, 'Excuse me, would it be possible to ask those same questions without the sarcasm? I'm having a hard time hearing beyond it, especially with all the laughing.' Yikes, did it get quiet. I really got some looks. But it stopped.
3. are bullying words only those that start with "you" phrases and include words like "always" "never" "here we go again" and that just sound absolute?
Personally, I don't think bullying speech has to contain absolutes. For instance, I think piling up hostile or negative accusations can be an act of bullying. Telling someone they
always do something
is inflammatory, imho; nobody
always does anything (short of eating and breathing and sleeping, hopefully) so, imho, the accuser has started from a point of unfairness.The good rule of thumb there, before speaking, I think, is to apply the Golden Rule; would you like someone to say that to you?
4. what are the elements of passive aggressive bullying?
Ooh, this one's tricky, Penelope, don't you think? Especially, imho, if you wander into someone else's intentions. For me, I think if there's any positive way to take it, or a point of clarification I can ask for that might help, or if whatever has been said is offered respectfully--even if the other person is voicing disagreement or objection or a pointed question--I wouldn't want to call it bullying.
5. should one wait for an invitation before giving advice? Is it bullying otherwise?
You've given me the giggles here, Penelope...'cause our open door policy on advice here is pretty darn casual, isn't it? I think, again, intent comes into play, and I try to give someone the benefit of the doubt as to coming from a good place whenever possible. As a listener, I hear "This is what I did/worked for me/what I might try in your shoes" differently than "You should do____". Imho, in and of itself, being told to do something even assertively (unless it's go $#*& in your hat or the like) doesn't rise to bullying. Pair it with accusations or critical comments about the other person or their behavior or judgment, and then it'd feel different. That's just my view, 'cause I feel free say, 'No, I don't think so, thanks for the suggestion, though.' Personally, I don't read speaking from one's experience as advice, necessarily; just offering up one possibility based on direct experience.
I try to stick to my own experience, or offer up possibilities/questions that might help the other person identify or articulate what they already know and feel. 'Cause I think it's usually just a matter of digging. A kind person here helped me that way yesterday and it just rocked my little world...because it felt like a complete and natural resolution, which isn't always this case with advice.
Didn't mean to go on quite so long, Penelope. You put out some good stuff, got me a thinking. Plus, I see you stretching all your good and insightful communications muscles lately and I really want to honor that, 'cause I think you worked hard to share all this.
Best to you,
LoH
