Learn how your relationship with your mother colors your other relationships and influences your choice of a mate, how to recognize the difference between a healthy or destructive mother-daughter relationship, how mothers manipulate us and how we react, why you tend to become your mother's opposite- or her twin, how to find your truest self, and how to stop the cycle.
The book discusses the Bad Mommy Taboo,in which many in society refuse to accept that a mother can be destructive to her children, but prefer to see all moms as warm, loving, "America and apple pie" types. Great pressure is put on adult children not to mention or discuss anything bad their mothers might do, and to accept abuse because "she's your mother". A daughter who rebels or stands up and tells the truth is often criticized by acquaintances, and even outcast from the family. "And so the Bad Mommy on a cultural level gets protected. Or she protects herself. Or she is protected by her husband."
I found myself nodding in agreement as I related my own life testimony, as well as other testimonies I have heard in the course of my ministry, Luke 17:3 Ministries, to many of the teachings in this book, especially the Bad Mommy Taboo. It is amazing just how universal and pervasive this is. People with normal mothers find it difficult to understand how it can be possible to have a destructive mother. But the strange thing is that even those with very abusive, controlling, or downright evil mothers can still be in deep denial concerning their mothers' true natures. Many continue to take the blame for an unsuccessful relationship and to expose themselves to abuse, thinking there must be something wrong with them because mom couldn't possibly be the problem. After all, moms are loving and caring of their children, right?
Well, unfortunately for some adult children, that's not right, and understanding this and realizing what is going on is the first step toward healing. This book is very helpful in that regard, and will teach us to recognize and deal with such a mother, even if she is our own. It is also encouraging in helping us tell the truth and protect ourselves over the objections of outsiders- which includes other family members.
We learn about the Evolution of the Unpleasable Mother, and there are chapters covering different types of abusive mothers, including the Doormat, the Critic, the Smotherer, the Avenger, and the Deserter. Part Three discusses how daughters react to our mothers' destructiveness, many by becoming the Angel, the Superachiever, the Cipher, the Troublemaker, or the Defector.
In Part Four, we are given suggestions for breaking the cycle and redefining the mother-daughter relationship. We are helped to understand what kind of relationship, if any, might be possible for us to maintain with our own mother. We might be able to achieve a genuine, loving, respectful friendship. We might settle for a "truce" in which we manage to have a relationship on a limited basis without compromising ourselves beyond our tolerance- one in which we successfully enforce boundaries. Or the only way we may be able to survive might be to "divorce" our mother. One women explained,"....I've finally come to the conclusion that I am much better off never seeing her again. She's just not good for my mental health." We are encouraged to make divorce a last resort, and to expect social censure from those who have their own reasons for not understanding and feel it is their place to judge us.
The author tells us, "Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their mothers, there isn't one who wouldn't have gladly sacrificed just about anything to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative. What most people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after years of trying to make it unnecessary." The reader is taught "that life- and a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother."
This book is well-researched and well-balanced. Many suggestions are given for trying to improve our relationship with our mother, but the reality that this may not be possible is not denied. It is important to see how our victimization influences our personality and impacts our other relationships, and to stop the cycle before it affects the next generation.
Drawing on years of research and hundreds of interviews, the author "shows you how to let go, gain understanding and acceptance- or achieve a separate peace at last."
Storm,
I remember moving into my first apartment which I shared with three other young women. After one of my mother's nasty phone calls where she told me she was going to go to my workplace and tell them what I was really like, blah blah more abuse. I put down the phone and went into the kitchen where one of my roommates was cooking. I said in a very calm voice "I hate my mother" her response was You can't say that.
My mother was a fully fledged N and I hated her for most of my life. She is dead for a number of years now. I do not hate her anymore, I feel sorry that she had such lovely children who were nothing more than objects to her but I am glad that I do not have any interaction with her anymore. I guess I feel so little for her it is amazing. Think maybe all the therapy worked in that the hatred for her is gone from me and does not hurt me anymore.
There are plenty of bad mothers out there.
I read this book. I like the way it dealt with the "Bad Mommy Taboo". I have been on the receiving end of this as well. I get the "Well it's your mother" as though this is an excuse for parents to do anything to their children and the children must accept this without question.
To think that all parents are good and all parents love their children in magical thinking and the first step to healing I believe is to remove this idea from our minds.
Lib
I have a fantasy of how my life could've been different if I'd simply put the phone down quietly, without hanging up, put a pillow over it, and gone on about my business.
:D
Hops
The author tells us, "Of the women I interviewed who have divorced their mothers, there isn't one who wouldn't have gladly sacrificed just about anything to avoid the harrowing conclusion that it was the only alternative. What most people fail to realize is that a daughter makes so heretical a move only after years of trying to make it unnecessary." The reader is taught "that life- and a healthy adulthood- may not include your mother."
It takes time, Bones, more time than most people can believe or imagine, but God willing you will get through.
I had been working with therapists for years before her death, and found validation and affirmation that I was being abused, had been abused, by her. Without that, I don't know where I'd be at this point.
((((((((((Bones)))))))))
How awful, Bones. That poor little girl. That is what happens when everyone turns a blind eye and platitudes and denial rule... it's always the innocent who pay the price... so sad.
Yes, my immune system was effected, caught every flu and cold virus going round, and, also had to have my thyroid tested and had to take thyroid medication. I was blamed for being ill so much and folk would ask me why I was ill so much!! So more guilt. Folks can be so thoughtless in their speech sometimes. Especially as I was rushed to hospital Christmas 2005 with a very high temperature and in a dreadful state with rashes all over my body.
No contact with Nmother since spring 2006, when she trashed the bouquet of flowers I sent her for a gift.
Now I am so very happy to report that no virus or cold infections so far this winter! Best Christmas 2006 gift!
Leah
Hi GS,
Thank you for validating my experinced and being a witness. I'm sorry you experienced similar stuff.
About the house, please really, really think this out:
Can you handle doing this? Would buying a house togther give your mom power? Probably would. Do you think that by imposing strong boundaries with her, her power over you could be minimized? Can you maintain your sanity and your beautiful progress if you buy the house with her?
Can you buy one on your own? Are banks in your state required to give mortgages to people who have trouble qualifying on their own? Please check your state law and see if there are mortgage loan programs that could benefit you. Go to your local bank and talk to the loan officer.
You're saying your mom could help you financially, but please think carefully and truthfully about what the cost and price of her help is to you.
love,
dazed
((((((((((beth))))))))))
People don't see it because it's too painful, or it's too much work, or dealing with it once they see it would be too much work, or too painful.
Work is hard. Painful work is almost impossible. In a way, the Ns are both to blame and to thank. If they did not cause such wretchedness, we might take even longer to awaken... because Ns make it more painful to stay unaware than to face the truth of what they are and what they do to us.
About my mother: I knew some things all my life - her actions and her words never, never matched, and somehow I was always able to stay aware of that. I just didn't fully realize what it meant - that she was so hateful to me, with such consistency, because she hated me, with such completeness.
She hated my father, and at the same time she drained him, sucked him dry. I was trained to play a similar role, and all her hatred and fury emerged when he became incapacitated and I refused to 'put on his harness' - refused to move back into the house, refused to move back into the neighborhood, refused, refused, refused.
But even then, most of her venom was directed against me 'behind my back', because she was still using me financially, and didn't want to lose her cash cow.
Only after she died did people begin to compare what she said about me with what I actually did, and was. Then quite a few of them felt driven to make amends, and in THAT process I heard things that amazed me... but they were so consistent, no matter who was telling me about them, it was clear they were factual.
Lies she told... things she said I had done and said, horrible things - that she had actually said and done to ME [so I knew these witnesses must have been telling the truth; only she could have inverted the evil so exactly].
And the reverse. Things I did for her, things I gave to her, that she claimed my Nsibling had done or given, or that she had acquired for herself. [A particularly nasty twist: some major appliances I bought for her that she claimed she had taken out a home equity loan to buy for herself because I refused to help her.]
Vicious, vicious stuff. It took me ages to deal with it.
I was, thank God, not hindered by disbelief. The one saving grace that I had was that because I'd known all my life that there was something 'wrong' in her relating to me, I could believe all of it when it finally came into the open. It made sense of all the weird little things I'd heard, all the strange little things she did, the furtiveness, the sneakiness, the witholding of information, the mean little 'gotcha' games she used to play. It all fell into place perfectly without a seam.
I hated her then. I pity her now. I doubt that I will ever mourn her.
(((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))
Oh my.
((((((((((Bones))))))))))
((((((((((Beth))))))))))
This was therapy night after work, sorry I was away till now.
All I can do is hug you both and say I understand... I do... and it will eventually hurt less. It really will.
It is part of the futile exercise of trusting the untrustworthy, seeking love from the unloving, seeking care from the uncaring, seeking mercy from the merciless.
storm:QuoteIt is part of the futile exercise of trusting the untrustworthy, seeking love from the unloving, seeking care from the uncaring, seeking mercy from the merciless.
I am exhausted reading this, Storm. I have spent so much of my life doing all of the above. I suppose we all do to some point, but you get to a certain age and although there is gratitude for the enlightenment and growth that comes from these escapades there is also such a sense of lost time, don't you think? Pretty much, though, I feel free today. Life is not perfect, but I am very protective of my boundaries these days. I am unwilling to allow the negativity in anymore. And, the teenagers think they have the cornerstone on "My Space". Try to tell that to someone in recovery in the Voiceless Forum. :)
ANS
storm:QuoteIt is part of the futile exercise of trusting the untrustworthy, seeking love from the unloving, seeking care from the uncaring, seeking mercy from the merciless.
I am exhausted reading this, Storm. I have spent so much of my life doing all of the above. I suppose we all do to some point, but you get to a certain age and although there is gratitude for the enlightenment and growth that comes from these escapades there is also such a sense of lost time, don't you think? Pretty much, though, I feel free today. Life is not perfect, but I am very protective of my boundaries these days. I am unwilling to allow the negativity in anymore. And, the teenagers think they have the cornerstone on "My Space". Try to tell that to someone in recovery in the Voiceless Forum. :)
ANS
Agree ANS
Sometimes, especially lately, have sat here and thought why did I waste those precious years, the best years really, seeking love from the unloving, trusting the untrustworthy, and, yes even seeking mercy from the merciless.
My heartfelt hope is that due to the resources available today via the internt, especially Voicelessness Forum, and other empowering and supportive sites, others won't have to lose precious years of their lives, walking lost in the wilderness of ignorance and abusive denial, regarding the reality of emotional abuse.
seeking, finding and receiving, validation and genuine support, as soon as is possible, really does makes a difference.
Leah
Thank you for the Luke 17:3 ministries info and Stormy, you said it all, right here:
Bones & Reallyme,
You guys sum it all up: we're glueing together the jigsaw pieces of our lives due to Nmoms and the taboo.
dazed
And we have a place where we can work on our puzzles together now.
Ouch, Bones.
Quelle jercque.
I hope you got out of that group PDQ...
Bones,
bad Ts are dangerous.
dazed
Breaking the Cycle of Abuse by Beverly Engel. I like this book because she goes beyond the intro to Ns. She talks about whether the Ns can be "cured".
What's really depressing is that she basically says that male Ns can be cured if they want to, but that female Ns cannot be cured because female Ns usually do not want to be cured. Her conclusions are based on her experiences as a T.
BonesMS,
Just wanted to say thanks for noticing that some of us are still struggling with this issue. I thought I had gotten it more than I have, but I think I must have gotten it on more of an intellectual level. I also think that for the past ten or so years I have unwittingly slipped back into the parentified child role. It did not happen overnight- I started out as my adult self when my mother had bypass surgery. I forgot some of what I had learned about her, but I still had not yet experienced that which was to be revealed by some of the things she chose to do to me- whether conscious or unconscious, intended or not.
It is so very sad that she needs N supplies, because she has needs that can not be met. My heart breaks for her knowing that she will die this way. I wish I could be the all giving daughter who could make it all better, but I've found that each thing I do is received with a cursory thank you, but in the next sentence she is demanding the next thing and killing two birds with one stone by the implication that what was just done for her was not quite good enough. And I am sick of looking at me through her reality. I have learned that it can't be all me, because I see her eventually devalue everyone. Can everyone possibly be that much of a failure or so uncaring? Methinks not.
Bones- in light of what you wrote about on this thread- some of the hurtful things that were said about you that you mentioned, I again want to say congratulations on the MS.
I will revisit this thread, and reread what all of you have posted on it, and also write again. Oh- and Stormchild- I've got "When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends" somewhere in the books I had put in boxes a long time ago. I might pull it out of mothballs and revisit.
Leah, Dazed- Glad there are other "book junkies"!
cats paw