Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Gaining Strength on March 17, 2007, 09:17:54 AM
-
I am making progress. It is slow but it is sure. Now that I have some strength I have a disaster to clean up. I called about my back property taxes and learned that I owe $17,000 + and that money is accrueing daily. The amazing news is that when I learned that I did not fall into a dispair. On the same day I received a tuition bill for $6,000. Life is coming at me fast. I also owe back income taxes. It is tough. Plus for reasons to complicated to explain here then only way I can work is to build my own business. I have done it before and I can do it again. The primary thing I have to do is to find a way to get started. I already hae the concept and have done much research. Now I have to get the plan made out.
Yesterday I went for prayer with a priest and his wife and a group of "intercessors" who were elsewhere praying. I prayed for healing for my son (ADHD and functional constipation) and protection from unkind authorities and for friends for us as a family and for income. The intercessors had no idea what we were praying about and yet one of them wrote down "PEACE Is 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee. (peace here means safe, well, happy, friendly)" another wrote "These words are for you, restore, reunite, rebuild."
I will keep these close as a source of encouragement. I find that I need and accept encouragement from where ever I can find it. Encouragement was sorely lacking from my early life and I absorb it where ever I find it.
I have had in my prayers the longing for friends for my and my son and "family" friends that we can do things with. Then on Wednesday I was talking with someone about spring break and they said they were going to the beach with 2 or 3 other families and invited us to go along. We already had plans to go somewhere else - alone (though I had invited another single mother with 2 boys - never got a reply). How could I refuse an answer to our prayers - we are splittling our time between the two places.
Things are changing. I am thankful - but these if the underlying apprehension about false hope. I want to wipe that out. So what if things don't work out as planned. Apprehension serves no true protection, it only feeds the dark side. I am seeking and consuming encouragement where ever I find it. I am seeking the positive whereever it lies - I have lived the fear and negative my whole life. My father anticipated everything that could go wrong and that lead to disaster. I am looking for ways things can go right. It has not been an easy transition. My old self still likes to protect from failure but that protection seem to lead to failure. That is why I am so determined to be positive. Over the 7 months I have been here, being positive has coincided with real growth. For the first time in so many years I can honestly say that I am no longer paralyzed. I attribute that to many things including the support of this place and my absolute dedication to being positive and looking for the way out.
Thanks for listening. I have so much more to say but no time. Love to you all - GS
-
I am making progress. It is slow but it is sure. Now that I have some strength I have a disaster to clean up. I called about my back property taxes and learned that I owe $17,000 + and that money is accrueing daily. The amazing news is that when I learned that I did not fall into a dispair. On the same day I received a tuition bill for $6,000. Life is coming at me fast. I also owe back income taxes. It is tough. Plus for reasons to complicated to explain here then only way I can work is to build my own business. I have done it before and I can do it again. The primary thing I have to do is to find a way to get started. I already hae the concept and have done much research. Now I have to get the plan made out.
Yesterday I went for prayer with a priest and his wife and a group of "intercessors" who were elsewhere praying. I prayed for healing for my son (ADHD and functional constipation) and protection from unkind authorities and for friends for us as a family and for income. The intercessors had no idea what we were praying about and yet one of them wrote down "PEACE Is 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee. (peace here means safe, well, happy, friendly)" another wrote "These words are for you, restore, reunite, rebuild."
I will keep these close as a source of encouragement. I find that I need and accept encouragement from where ever I can find it. Encouragement was sorely lacking from my early life and I absorb it where ever I find it.
I have had in my prayers the longing for friends for my and my son and "family" friends that we can do things with. Then on Wednesday I was talking with someone about spring break and they said they were going to the beach with 2 or 3 other families and invited us to go along. We already had plans to go somewhere else - alone (though I had invited another single mother with 2 boys - never got a reply). How could I refuse an answer to our prayers - we are splittling our time between the two places.
Things are changing. I am thankful - but these if the underlying apprehension about false hope. I want to wipe that out. So what if things don't work out as planned. Apprehension serves no true protection, it only feeds the dark side. I am seeking and consuming encouragement where ever I find it. I am seeking the positive whereever it lies - I have lived the fear and negative my whole life. My father anticipated everything that could go wrong and that lead to disaster. I am looking for ways things can go right. It has not been an easy transition. My old self still likes to protect from failure but that protection seem to lead to failure. That is why I am so determined to be positive. Over the 7 months I have been here, being positive has coincided with real growth. For the first time in so many years I can honestly say that I am no longer paralyzed. I attribute that to many things including the support of this place and my absolute dedication to being positive and looking for the way out.
Thanks for listening. I have so much more to say but no time. Love to you all - GS
Margo/Tremusan writes:
Well.... it's an amazing thing, to gain insights and become demystified. I think one of the hardest things is to remember and incorporate all the these lessons.... before we forget them again. Maybe that's what leads to life getting better? We practice and pretend these lessons until they become habit. Eventually they become second nature. Pleasures.
Honestly..... when I revisit books I've read before, Addiction and Grace, for instance..... I see that I've forgotten things I once strived to incorporate. I also realize I see new things every time I re read a book. I guess we're in a different place by the time we open it again. We've grown and it's important to realize we're always growing. The more painful our lessons..... the more we learn from it. We are where we're supposed to be. When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of going..... we go.... and all that, lol.
It's interesting to me that you're learning from your parent's mistakes and you see how fear leads to self fulfilling prophesies. At least it can, very often. I love the fact that you said yes to the invitation to the beach. I love that you left the option open for the single mother to join you, even though she hasn't replied. With these wonderful opportunities for fellowship...... I wish you the serenity to really stop and live in the moment during your time alone at the beach. Really be present at meals with your children. Enjoy every bite and wonder at the journey each item took to find it's way to your table.... the hands that touched, packed and transported.... prepared and served. There are no bad meals. There are no bad trips. Ask your children what the very best part of their day was.... and the worst. Really listen to them. Connect in the moment and make an effort to release the worry for tomorrow and regrets of yesterday. Whew.... that was long. Tremusan
-
CB - your post brought tears to my eyes. Your willingness to pick up one foot after another. Your willingness and ability to pack that farmhouse after all those years and move you and your children under such adverse circumstances gives me courage. That is was is so remarkable about this place. No where else and in no "real time" circumstances could we have people struggling under such adverse times be able to communicate in such direct, clear, unencumbered ways as we can here. Thank you for sharing and thank you for the support you give intentionally and by way of just posting your struggle.
My prayers and thoughts are with you this morning and will be while I am absent from here. I admire you. I admire your willingness to focus on just the one thing and thank you for your encouragement. That is the way through. - your friend - Gaining Strength
-
Enjoy every bite and wonder at the journey each item took to find it's way to your table.... the hands that touched, packed and transported.... prepared and served. There are no bad meals. There are no bad trips. Ask your children what the very best part of their day was.... and the worst. Really listen to them. Connect in the moment and make an effort to release the worry for tomorrow and regrets of yesterday.
I will keep this in mind. I can tell by just reading it that this will focus my attention on some resentments that I had not recognized. I firmily believe that resentments are one of the debilitating issues in my life. Thank you for shining a light on that area. - your friend - Gaining Strength
-
GS, CB, Margo,
Your courageous example of strength, determination, and your yieldedness to doing what is right when it's not easy makes me proud to be woman! You are lifestyle warriors!
teartracks
-
gs Right now I am humbled by your post and cb Too. My problems are minute compared to yours. Yes I have been in hell in my past but I am on the other side of affairs, divorce and nervous breakdowns. Now my life is just a series of frustrating circumstances which wont sideline me just inconvenience me. Forgive me for being such a whiner.
-
Enjoy every bite and wonder at the journey each item took to find it's way to your table.... the hands that touched, packed and transported.... prepared and served. There are no bad meals. There are no bad trips. Ask your children what the very best part of their day was.... and the worst. Really listen to them. Connect in the moment and make an effort to release the worry for tomorrow and regrets of yesterday.
I will keep this in mind. I can tell by just reading it that this will focus my attention on some resentments that I had not recognized. I firmily believe that resentments are one of the debilitating issues in my life. Thank you for shining a light on that area. - your friend - Gaining Strength
Eh.... I'm not on the other side of all my most recently held resentments either, lol. Let me tell ya. I work on it and I'm aware enough to realize that releasing them and living well.... is the best thing I can do for myself and my children. I have to take care of myself, to show my girls how to do it. I have to. It'll be in my own time..... it'll be painful and it won't happen in a day but...... I start off my days by focusing on I do want in my life. So my mind doesn't bounce around like a monkey in a tree. I call it "keeping my eye on the right balls." Otherwise.... I'm stuck on a circular treadmill of overwhelming thoughts that keep me from finding serenity.... and I don't like feeling that way. There are so many overwhelming moving parts I can lose my sanity thinking about. No matter how well I'm feeling.... I'll get off track if I let myself watch the wrong balls, ya know? Lona
-
GS,
My dear friend. Goosebumps and tears at the same time.
You have faced the numbers.
You have dug deep.
You have grown so much I visualize you as a sunflower.
I am awed, and grateful for your example.
GS, CB, Tremusan--thank you for your bravery and resolve. You too Kell. It all counts.
Thank you,
Hops
-
My problems are minute compared to yours. Yes I have been in hell in my past but I am on the other side of affairs, divorce and nervous breakdowns. Now my life is just a series of frustrating circumstances which wont sideline me just inconvenience me. Forgive me for being such a whiner.
I don't agree OC. I see your problems as very significant. I have enormous sympathy for you. You have something to offer in your work and you need to find an outlet and a voice for that. That is one of the great needs in life. I am so glad that you are past the hellish parts of life but honestly your employment situation is a living hell to me. Your complaints are not whines they are legitimate complaints about a situation that is very painful and that I pray you do not have to endure much longer.
I'm preaching and that's not very attractive but it is a personal thing for me to view someone's problem as significant regardless of how it campares to someone else's. Any part of life under N dominion is living hell and in great need of rescue and deserves sympathy. That's my view dear OC. Complain away - but believe that your day is coming and your ship has set sail.
-
GS say: Complain away - but believe that your day is coming and your ship has set sail.
What GS says is true OC. Tender ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
teartracks
-
Oh you guys I am about to cry! Thank you! I just am not in the midst of a living hell right now but I am enduring something like a Chinese water torture-a non stop battle for what is right and I believe I am right and she truly thinks she is right so it is a no win situation
-
OC
apologies on repeating myself but your tag line says it all, "The only way out is through". I keep saying that to myself and I say it back to you. Don't stop and simultaneously have faith. - GS
-
I am leaving town for a week and may not have internet access. It comes at a time when I am going through yet another transition of growth and feel a real need to be connected.
I have been feeling plagued by a couple of instances of being rejected and allowing it to fit into a larger picture of rejection that is excruciatingly painful and I take it in as judgement on me. In order to overcome that I have decided to shift my focus on two people who have expressed a real caring for me - my Therapist - who sees something in me that I have not seen in myself and now I have another person who sees something in me.
I received an e-mail from this person with a most unusual expression of love. Regardless of how I decide to respond to him I have decided to focus on the fact that two people see something extra special in me. Each time I feel the string of rejection I am going to turn my focus to these two people and I expect the numbers will begin to grow. We all need people to see something special in us. I am thankful for this place where I see extraordinary things in people here and feel support and encouragement for others. That encouragement has truly sustained me and given me strength.
Here's is an excerpt:
Perhaps you have not realized what I am like yet. I am no attorney nor do I
have great income with which to assist you. But what I do have is loving
kindness. I am not asking for you to commit to anything, and I do not worry
about the directions things are going. I only ask that if you need help with
anything that you come to me. It may not always be within my ability but what I
have is given freely without expectation of anything in return. Things I do to help you are
because i love you and enjoy your company. Do not be afraid of love, it is not
the kind of romantic jealously that most people call love. It is the deep
abiding love from the heart that does not require anything in return. I do not
seek rewards on this earth, things that we think that we own are only ours for
this lifetime. People that we show love to show love to others and soon the
light from this love shines through past and future to the end of the universe.
I have come to understand that this is what is important in life, not the things
that we own or the image we present. You show Richard this love, but will accept
non for yourself. Open your heart to me and I will fill you with love. This
will not cost you anything, and will not prevent you from following any path you
choose. I will not demand that you see me exclusively or love only me.
That's quite an offer but I choose only to focus on the fact that two people I admire see something good in me. That will help move me forward. That helps me begin to believe in myself. That helps give me hope. Thanks for listening - thanks for being my friends when I so desparately needed friends. thanks for sharing that terrible experience of being in relationship (if you can call it that ) with Ns and understanding the wretched consequences of that terrible fate. My heart is a little gooshy today - as though I am leaving forever - which is not the case but I must be leaving something behind and I hope it is dispair. - your friend - Gaining Strength
-
gs It is not just those two who care about you. I do too! Of course I try to minimize my pain but you and others lift me up and help me to see straight despite my negative self fulfilling prophecies! Thanks to you and Godspeed.
-
I am leaving town for a week and may not have internet access. It comes at a time when I am going through yet another transition of growth and feel a real need to be connected.
I have been feeling plagued by a couple of instances of being rejected and allowing it to fit into a larger picture of rejection that is excruciatingly painful and I take it in as judgement on me. In order to overcome that I have decided to shift my focus on two people who have expressed a real caring for me - my Therapist - who sees something in me that I have not seen in myself and now I have another person who sees something in me.
I received an e-mail from this person with a most unusual expression of love. Regardless of how I decide to respond to him I have decided to focus on the fact that two people see something extra special in me. Each time I feel the string of rejection I am going to turn my focus to these two people and I expect the numbers will begin to grow. We all need people to see something special in us. I am thankful for this place where I see extraordinary things in people here and feel support and encouragement for others. That encouragement has truly sustained me and given me strength.
Here's is an excerpt:
Perhaps you have not realized what I am like yet. I am no attorney nor do I
have great income with which to assist you. But what I do have is loving
kindness. I am not asking for you to commit to anything, and I do not worry
about the directions things are going. I only ask that if you need help with
anything that you come to me. It may not always be within my ability but what I
have is given freely without expectation of anything in return. Things I do to help you are
because i love you and enjoy your company. Do not be afraid of love, it is not
the kind of romantic jealously that most people call love. It is the deep
abiding love from the heart that does not require anything in return. I do not
seek rewards on this earth, things that we think that we own are only ours for
this lifetime. People that we show love to show love to others and soon the
light from this love shines through past and future to the end of the universe.
I have come to understand that this is what is important in life, not the things
that we own or the image we present. You show Richard this love, but will accept
non for yourself. Open your heart to me and I will fill you with love. This
will not cost you anything, and will not prevent you from following any path you
choose. I will not demand that you see me exclusively or love only me.
That's quite an offer but I choose only to focus on the fact that two people I admire see something good in me. That will help move me forward. That helps me begin to believe in myself. That helps give me hope. Thanks for listening - thanks for being my friends when I so desparately needed friends. thanks for sharing that terrible experience of being in relationship (if you can call it that ) with Ns and understanding the wretched consequences of that terrible fate. My heart is a little gooshy today - as though I am leaving forever - which is not the case but I must be leaving something behind and I hope it is dispair. - your friend - Gaining Strength
Margo/Tremusan writes: You have strength and support from this board too. Honesty like this is a very rare find.... along with the experiences and lessons of those who've gone before you. What a gift! ::Pulling on mommy voice:: Just who is this young man writing that e mail to you? It's my experience when someone says they want absolutely nothing in return for themselves...... the opposite is certainly true. Be careful and don't forget to count everyone in who offers you support. Have a safe journey and post when you can.
-
Dear GS,
It does not take special powers, mystical abilities, or an unusual ability to love, in order to experience you as worthwhile and loveable.
I have red flags flapping in my head like sails at this:
Open your heart to me and I will fill you with love. This
will not cost you anything, and will not prevent you from following any path you
choose. I will not demand that you see me exclusively or love only me.
"I will not demand" is a shadow demand. To me, dear GS, this is an unhealthy signal of a personality that is speaking to you, consiciously or not, from a stance of power over. Despite the fulminating assurances, this is not the voice of your equal.
It is the voice of someone playing the role of a "master", someone who perceives themself as having special knowledge that you do not have. This role is very attractive to some people. Some cultivate it, having confused some spiritual readings with insight into their "special" nature and "special" ability to know what others need.
Please do NOT open your heart to someone who says to you, Open your heart. Please do NOT take instruction from someone who finds it appropriate even to say, to wit: Oh I won't be controlling. Not me.
That's a red flag of projection.
Someone who likes to play this particular role, consciously or not, is often very very attracted to another person who has low self-esteem, struggles with shame, and is desperate for external validation of their worth.
For a time their attention can be extremely sweet. But it can be like lily pads over quicksand. You yearn after the fragrance and before you quite realize it, you're stuck in something that is very hard to climb out of.
Opening your heart is something that comes voluntarily as a gift from one healthy, balanced person to another, if it is going to lead to happiness. It does NOT come from a student-master, or pupil-teacher, or broken-person/"realized" person.
I am not saying this person is bad. I am saying that you are very vulnerable, desperate to get away from the sense of failure that haunts you. And blandishments like that can seem nearly irresistible. Taking your validation from someone who offers such sweets... it could be another way of procrastination. About continuing the hard hard work of learning to validate yourself.
So be careful of this kind of attention, please GS. The attention you need most is your own.
love,
Hops
-
Hey GS: Take it from me......I did this with my husband. I wanted the fantasy. I wanted a way out of my job with nmom. I knew if I got married, I would have a live in babysitter for my kids while I was away at training for my new job. It backfired on me during the honeymoon when Mr. Hyde came out!! Be careful!
I have heard this......go out to eat with your new man. Watch how he responds to the waiter. Drive down the road with him. See if his life is full of road rage. Go into a convenience store and see how he responds to the clerk (or what he says about him when you leave.) These true colors are significant and will reveal his true colors.
Now, if he is nice to these people then you can breath a little bit easier. But especially if he is put out by food servers this is truly a red flag.....or at least it SHOULD have been mine!
-
Hey, Kell:
What if you pondered this for a bit?
What would happen if you stopped trying to be right?
Just let it go?
What would happen if you said Mom, I don't agree but I don't think I can be right. It's just too much hard work trying to get you to believe I'm right. I have a lot of living to do and I will go find another job where I can be given full responsibility. I'm sure you're right about what's right for you. I don't want to fight about things any more. You can be right, Mom. It's really okay with me. I don't need to be right any more, I just need to be peaceful.
What would happen?
Hops
-
I opened my bible at random earlier: 1 Corinthions 9:10
he that ploweth should plow in hope
my hope for me is that no on notices as I tiptoe from the battleground having given up on ploughing around the emotional carnage! But I was always hopeful, always.Still am, just not for the same things.
The outcome isn't in my gift...
Hope is really special though, like this Emily Dickinson poem:
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
I used to question the last line, I thought hope had asked a lot from me, now i see it was my hope for something in particular, where what I am left with is hope in general...
-
Hops: That is kind of what I said to her. I said, "I will not do this anymore." "I cannot live my life fighting with you." It IS true we both consider our perspectives as "right." But I will never ever agree that she is right and it is a foregone conclusion that she doesn't think I am right. And another thing. If I have friendships and kinships with anyone other than her, she considers it a betrayal. So my friendship and great working relationship with our bookkeeper is so threatening to her. She will never EVER understand why I just cannot do what she says and be done with it............but I cannot live my life in her shadow and run a business flushing it down the toilet by allowing her to do what she thinks is right. I have taken several days off and will do so next week as it is Spring Break and I cannot leave my 12 year old home all day long alone. So, she can continue to try to run the business without me. She will see that I am serious about leaving and she can taste how it feels without my stabilization there....
-
Dear GS,
It does not take special powers, mystical abilities, or an unusual ability to love, in order to experience you as worthwhile and loveable.
I have red flags flapping in my head like sails at this:
Open your heart to me and I will fill you with love. This
will not cost you anything, and will not prevent you from following any path you
choose. I will not demand that you see me exclusively or love only me.
"I will not demand" is a shadow demand. To me, dear GS, this is an unhealthy signal of a personality that is speaking to you, consiciously or not, from a stance of power over. Despite the fulminating assurances, this is not the voice of your equal.
It is the voice of someone playing the role of a "master", someone who perceives themself as having special knowledge that you do not have. This role is very attractive to some people. Some cultivate it, having confused some spiritual readings with insight into their "special" nature and "special" ability to know what others need.
Please do NOT open your heart to someone who says to you, Open your heart. Please do NOT take instruction from someone who finds it appropriate even to say, to wit: Oh I won't be controlling. Not me.
That's a red flag of projection.
Someone who likes to play this particular role, consciously or not, is often very very attracted to another person who has low self-esteem, struggles with shame, and is desperate for external validation of their worth.
For a time their attention can be extremely sweet. But it can be like lily pads over quicksand. You yearn after the fragrance and before you quite realize it, you're stuck in something that is very hard to climb out of.
Opening your heart is something that comes voluntarily as a gift from one healthy, balanced person to another, if it is going to lead to happiness. It does NOT come from a student-master, or pupil-teacher, or broken-person/"realized" person.
I am not saying this person is bad. I am saying that you are very vulnerable, desperate to get away from the sense of failure that haunts you. And blandishments like that can seem nearly irresistible. Taking your validation from someone who offers such sweets... it could be another way of procrastination. About continuing the hard hard work of learning to validate yourself.
So be careful of this kind of attention, please GS. The attention you need most is your own.
love,
Hops
Ummmmmm, ya. What Hops said, lol.
-
(((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))
You can plan the action, but you can't plan the result :)
You are doing great and it is so nice to hear your (much stronger) voice.
Love, Beth
-
Kell,
I know, I understand that you cannot ever agree with her that she's "right". You don't have to.
I was just messing with the thought about letting her be "right" (in quotes)...because you let go of the battle.
IOW, letting go and letting her think whatever she will think. (Like, she could go through the day thinking, saying, emailing, I'm right I'm right I'm right...)
And what if you said (to yourself): What would happen if I just tried this out?
Mom, I will let you be "right". I won't make myself wrong, but you can be "right" because I am letting go of the family business idea. It's hard to let go of trying to get you to let me run things the way I think is "right." But I want to let go of that now. I going to go work somewhere else.
I just wondered what it would be like if you could get to that thought without pain.
love,
Hops
-
Well being humble and biting my tongue will be difficult but I will try it. But part of the thing is in order for her to think she is right would make me stay there to endure her rightness!
-
Ooo. Well, maybe you won't have to do THAT. You can let go of trying to control her thinking she is "right" and proceed with building your own better life anyway.
IOW, even if it doesn't make "sense" to her, because it's not "right", you can stop fighting and go work somewhere else anyway. But maybe without all the pain.
I hope that for you, hon. It is so hard to set boundaries with a person who doesn't see, who refuses to see, who drives us crazy with their not seeing how wrong they are, and whom we love.
Hops
PS--forgive me if I'm not being very helpful...brain's so drained I am not thinking too sharply ((((OC)))
-
Dear GS,
I think it is wonderful that you are going in the direction of focusing on those who care for you rather than focusing on those who reject you. There is so much validation for you from your friends here.
In the literature on Ns it often says if someone sounds to good to be true, then they are too good to be true. That one person was sounding a bit too good to be true and going overboard on promises. Could be a good time to check your N detector, non?
Love
Sea storm
-
GS
Major red flags here for me. It sounded like XN to me. I know my N dectector is very alert right now but I heard such similiar stuff from XN. i dont know how long you know this man but it seems very emotional and weighted. You are doing soooooooooooooooooo well and working so hard. BE CAREFUL. For many of us here who are very vulnerable being offered such "respect" sounds so attractive. I am concerned for you. Maybe he is ok, and if he is take it so slowly. You have a precious soft heart you need to treat it with kid gloves. Nobody else can take care of it only you.
I admire and respect you and want what is good for you.
axa
-
GS: I hope you are hearing us all. Maybe this guy is ok but don't get into that "I am so in love that I don't see clearly for a year" syndrome. Because in a year if he isn't cool, you will hate yourself.
Hops: Believe me it has all been said. That doesn't stop these invisible strings that are between my mom and I. If I leave she will rush in when I am at my new job and try to take care of my 12 year old daughter. She did that when I left before. While I was at training she came over many times and said things like, "Well, SOMEBODY has to take care of her.........." Even though my husband and older daughters were there.
It's interesting. I know she hates me. It is such irony that she hates me so much but will not release me from the job without some kind of "fight." I have to think it is the fear of running it without me but having to be right and in charge keeps her from giving it up. She told me last week to take some time off so I am. I hope she feels a huge void without me. Maybe she will get a taste of how it will be without me.
Well, I did it again. I applied AGAIN for that job I have been wanting. I am so stupid. If they call me it will be a miracle. They are all probably having a good laugh at my expense........poor girl, she must be desperate. But it would be poetic justice if I got a call from the new job I applied for and they both wanted me and I chose the new one and said something like "Well, I cannot work for a company who cannot get their act together!!"
Anyway, remember I am dealing with an extremely narcissistic mother so so me to expect anything but contempt from her is ludacris. If I get another job, she will never let me go without a fight of sorts.
-
I admire you for applying again, who cares what they think?
If they are thinking right they'll be very impressed by your persistence!
I hear you, I know what it's like to feel nearly stalked by your parent. (And I've put my D through that when I was panicking over her.)
Sounds like what drives your mother is also fear...likely, of losing control. Which she will. Inevitably, through the march of time if not the business.
I think the more grounded you feel in your own self, the more deserving of simple respect and a decent life, the less you'll tolerate things but the more comfortably you'll say No, so it might not be so anguishing.
One thing my mininster said yesterday was that the reason people go to anger so much is that it's too hard to feel the pain.
Do you feel you've ever been able to grieve the pain of having your mother be so unloving to you?
hugs,
Hops
-
Hops: It is actually a lot less anguishing than it used to be. Whenever I used to be in a room alone with my mom, I would end up crying. Now I have such a resolve that I don't have much emotion at all. Sometimes I actually laugh because my mom's reactions to me are so predictable.....it has become laughable. Plus someone told me to imagine her dressed as Minnie Mouse and talking like her, too. Especially when she is talking down her nose at me and throwing insults. It works!!
I also figured out the SILENCE thing with me. Not only are the people who I have applied to not calling.......but no one is calling. My mom used to call me all the time. I would get so put out by her because she could never distinguish between work and personal conversations, they were always work. So I have been trying to set these FIRM boundaries. Well, she is hearing me because she doesn't call me anymore. I girl that used to work for us was in town this last weekend and I knew it but forgot. In the past, she would have called me and expected me to be with them all weekend long. She never called. She probably thinks I am self centered..............and I would have gone if someone would have called and reminded me. So am I speaking out of both sides of my mouth??? Don't call, but call??? Well, what I want is to be called for personal things but not business.
-
I still hold on to hope that she likes me and loves me and it still hurts to realize that your own mother is so much more concerned about herself and her way that she has no concern for me and my feelings. None. it is truly all about her wants and needs and identity. My aunt describes it like being in a room with an elephant which takes up all the space and you feel squashed!
-
Oh, hon.
I
really
think
she
CAN'T
It's like she's broken.
It's NOT NOT NOT NOT because you're not lovable or don't deserve love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You may just have to grow freer of her to learn that you can go out in the world and find nurturing accepting love from someone other than your mother.
I'm so sorry, Kelly. I really am. I feel sad thinking of how little Kell feels.
Give her a hug for me, and please tell her it really will be all right.
love
Hops
-
She Is broken. I feel sorry for both her and her sis my aunt. Everything in their life is fake. Face lifts. Hair and mele up. Someone at work noticed that my aunt puts on lipstick all day long. My whole life was set up to make the fam look good. Love and acceptance are not in the cards for me.
-
Hiya OC:
Been reading along here and imagining your struggle. No fun at all. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
One thing.......
I still hold on to hope that she likes me and loves me and it still hurts to realize that your own mother is so much more concerned about herself and her way that she has no concern for me and my feelings.
It's not you OC. It's anyone. She doesn't concern herself with anyone but herself or for anyone else's feelings. It's not you. It's her.
It's like there's a wire missing in her brain that should connect to her heart. It's truly a disability, I bet. So I'm wondering if it might help you to think of it that way......like she has a wire missing and doesn't function correctly? I think that's probably a fairly accurate way to describe her behaviour and it's cause (even if science hasn't detected exactly which wire is missing or how to replace it).
In the misfiring way she opperates....it's impossible for her to love or feel empathy. It's not you she doesn't love or feel for.....it's anyone else. It is sad and unfair but it has nothing to do with you. Imagine if she had diabetes? Would you feel the same way? Expect her to be able to digest sugar without the necessary insulin? Ofcourse you wouldn't. So this is similar.....it's like expecting her to feel something she is incapable of feeling (and feeling bad inside yourself....feeling hurt.......when she doesn't feel what she can't possibly feel without the correct wiring).
(((((((((((OC)))))))))))
I wish there was a cure but there isn't. Maybe if you can think of her as missing a part, it won't feel so personal?
Sela
-
Sela: I think that is a great idea! If I can consider her mentally defective than I would feel better about how I feel when I am around her. I think she truly cares but has a hard time showing it. I appreciate the concept and I will consider it. Thanks.
-
Kell,
I go through this so much too. And sometimes I start to feel like she is a mother... I conjure up emotions towards her and just get smacked around psychologically yet again...
I also feel completeley unlikeable, in spite of being generally well-liked. When I am with her, I get nothing but discussions of my body (what is good or bad about it... and how it compares to hers at my age - most of which is something she has created in her mind). I get the constant mantra that "I don't need to work," - she refuses to believe that I enjoy working (she thinks it is undignified I guess... except if you are a dr like my sis).
Kelly, I know she doesn't see me as a real person. Whenever we see each other again, she stares at me like I am a new species. She has created a person in her miond and I don't match her creation. I think it is harder because you are so near your mom, Kell.
Take care and remember not to use your mom as a measuring stick. That's like measuring light years with a tablespoon.
Love, Beth
-
Hey OC,
That exact same concept (she is emotionally broken, like a basic button isn't there) that Sela describes has helped me learn to cope with the REALITY of who my mother is more than anything else.
I'm peaceful about her now. I don't take it personally any more. And that amazes me.
(Part of it too was spending a lot of time thinking about how she was taught...her own childhood...). That made a huge difference. Took me from rage to compassion.
If I can do it, I know you can!
Hops
-
I understand and as hard as it is I must accept that I will never be what she wants me to be but should I stay at work and trust that she really will back off if this new investor becomes a partner or should I continue to pursue another job which is more demanding but am free from the constant undermining and criticism?
-
Yes, I think you should leave.
This is life and it does pass. You deserve some happiness.
And who knows, finding a happier work life may give you strength to create other kinds of happiness for yourself. This is how it actually works!
Other thought re. this: I must accept that I will never be what she wants me to be
I think you must accept that she will never be what you want her to be. When you do that, then the rest will be less painful...it really will.
hugs
Hops
-
Just a quick note: we got internet connection today but I am moving to another location tomorrow and may be without again. thanks for your replies. It sounds funny to talk about love to me - we don't even have a relationship. But I do need help and I have decided to take him at his word - what do I have to lose? All he can do is to get hurt or get angry and that will solve that. So as long as I am not making an implied commitment by accepting his help then I will.
I am having a wonderful time - 4 families smashed in together in one beach house. 9 children and 8 adults. SOOOO much ffffuuunnn!!! Laughing, kindness, fun. This is one of the things that I have had in my hopes. Now I am going to hope that I can stay in this loop.
Take care my dear friends. - GS
-
GS,
Thanks for checking with us in the midst of all your fun! Oh, I can just picture it--you must be having a blast!
Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
CB