Fear feeds on inaction.
I think I am done working so intensely on my pain. I am ready to let that part of my life go in trust and focus on balancing my life with more happiness and expressive satisfaction.
What I learned Poppy is how you do it is by doing it. It really is that simple/hard.
I have been depressed. I have been keeping myself away from everyone. Partly because I needed to heal.....to get centered again.....recover from the pain. And partly because being myself or expressing myself brings such intense negative feedback. I used to think it was "ME". So I took on all the responsibility and the weight of it literally sunk my ship. Depression....deep rage.....maybe some anxiety (but only recently. that is not usually something I experience.) I think that I have spent years scrambling trying to make my world safe so that I could enjoy being myself. Kind of pulling the two worlds together and trying to convert both of them so the conflict and pain would cease. It was a naive endeavor. It made me codependent. It made me controlling. It did help me survive...but only that.
I know where the roots of my pain are. I know what happened in every detail. I don't suffer very often from denial. Maybe denial of my own worth and denial of my own voice. But not denial about my pain. How often I have wished that I couldn't access my feelings some days!! Izzy, what is your secret? :)
I am walking straight into the face of my infirmity. With courage and wisdom. Because I know what I can do and I know what I can't do today. I am learning to give myself the permission to see the wisdom and the permission to exercize it. Practicing. And learning how to balance that wisdom with all the other recovery behaviors, has been my quest.
Today, I am looking at my fear. I am not paralysed by it anymore. I am don't need it anymore. I am not afraid that someone won't like me as much anymore. My self loving practice is much more treasured to me today than the limited opinion of another. And I have learned that criticisms of others usually comes from an insecure desire to inflate the self. I am not interested in that. I am more interested in understanding where proper responsibility should be assigned so I can learn to set my self free from things that don't belong to me.
I know that I am of worth. I know who made me. And I know that parts of me are divine. As I believe is the same with all of you. The worth of souls IS great. There is no respector of persons. And I know that He IS my strength. But I also know that he gave me strengths to develop while I am here on earth. And sometimes he lets me pass through without taking away the resistance. Because he wants me to build the strength. I am not so worried about repenting with regards to my healing walk. Maybe that sounds off to you. But I trust myself to know when I need to. And trust this process is in and of itself an effort of repentance. I know He knows my limitations better than I do. He knows the depths of the pain. He walks with me every step.... I know that I can't do it alone. And I try not to attempt to.
I want now to give myself permission to do all the things I couldn't do before....because I was so afraid of punishment or scorn or disapproval or whatever else came out of my less than perfect environment. It is time. The next step on the journey.
So, I am looking at it objectively. My fear. I am walking straight into it. I know you can't see or completely understand. Because my ability to write is lesser than my ability to talk. Had we had this conversation face to face, I am sure I would have done a better job communicating.
I am not depressed. I am not full of anxiety. I am full of determination to face the next big thing....knowing fully my weakness. I just need a voice other than my own that helps me combat those millions of echos in my head that tell me "I can't". That warn me of all the pain in the past. That searing disabiling pain that has keep me from my potential. I know that God is there. I know that!! I have no doubts. But I also feel him waiting for me....and in his wisdom and patience......giving me strength to ask for what I need. SO! With shaking voice and trembling knees, Could somebody.......just telll me that I am good and that I can do it? Just for today, no lectures or sermons or recommendations or pointing to my oh so obvious deficits. I need perhaps a little encouragment. Maybe a little banner waving. Because I finally have the courage to try. I know I am crazy to be this honest. I can't help myself. It is who I am. I may not be lot of things. But at least I am honest.
Poppy
ps. Please forgive me......please understand........
I think I am done working so intensely on my pain. I am ready to let that part of my life go in trust and focus on balancing my life with more happiness and expressive satisfaction.
Dear Poppy,
This is where I am... a decision of will made with every bit of determination in me, knowing full well that the endeavor will require a continuous supply of the grace of Christ. Our pastor speaks of his shock when the church building burned to the ground years ago... and the temptation which may have threatened to destroy his trust and hope. Two things he did at that time which really stand out to me...
1) He said to God, "Lord, You've got a problem here... but I'm with You, Lord, and I'll stand by You and watch You work this through, as I know You can and will."
2) He drew even closer to his family, spending more time with them, rather than less. It was tempting to launch off into all sorts of busy-ness within the ministry and occupy himself in traveling, fundraising, stirring people up for the rebuilding... but by God's grace, he was able to keep his priorities in order and not get pulled off course by some manmade notions of *helping* God do what only HE can do.
Pops, at one time, I was so extremely and negatively self-conscious that I would not even walk down a grocery store aisle if there was a chance I'd have to speak to someone who was blocking the path (like to ask them to please excuse me). I mean, it was severe! I was pretty much afraid of everyone and everything. You know what's helped me to lay down that intense fear? I began to see it as a form of idolatry. Same with *peer pressure* and the *fear of man* - - those factors can elevate other human beings (and often self) to the point of being a consuming force in life and I know that is just plain wrong.
Okay, but I'd say, "I can't help it!".... "That's just how I am!" : ) Try sayin that to God and see how He answers... I know how He answers me...
and then I repent and it's back to marching forward, eyes on the goal.
Hope this makes some sense... it's poor wording and a bit raw, but what it all comes down to every single time is so simple - - - I say, "I can't!!"
and He says,
"I know! That's why you need ME!"
Love to you,
Carolyn
Fear begets fear.
I want to trust God and my faith in God that I don't have to fear anymore.
QuoteFear begets fear.
Very true. Whatever we do reinforces itself, but it works both ways. When you finish something you would otherwise have quit or not even started you realize your fear was not justified and you gain a little confidence and eventually you won't give a tinker's d*** what anyone else thinks. OK, you'll probably still care what other's think but not in a debilitating way.QuoteI want to trust God and my faith in God that I don't have to fear anymore.
....perfect love casts out fear....1John 4:18.
That doesn't mean our love is flawless but that when we have been made complete by God and His perfect love we have nothing to fear because when He is for us nothing can be against us. He has already given us that strength and the peace that passes understanding but we can all too easily listen to the lies that we do not already abide safe in His everlasting arms. The creator of the universe says that you are His friend and that He is on your side. Whose the other side got?
mud
I am so not perfect. And today, I didn't have to be to get love.
Carolyn and others,
You know, I am glad this little experience of hurt feelings happened....I was given a great blessing in the process of it. I recognized how many times I had been punished for sharing my feelings. I learned how out of balance my N family system has made me and how gun shy. I re-learned that real friends listen to you and express their real feelings too. I learned that you CAN explain and forgiveness with understanding CAN come easily without requiring blood offering first. My inner soul is grateful today for the kindness of a few of you board members that tried to understand my feelings and shared with me your own. Because I was SOOOO ready for the rejection. And feeling so many confusing feelings inside because of it. Not because of this situation, but because this situation helped me see such a pattern of being rejected and punished for the tiniest of misunderstandings. I am so not perfect. And today, I didn't have to be to get love.
You gave me a precious gift by not rejecting me. For accepting my apology and explanation and for letting it go as a bobble and not a deep wound. I stood a little taller today. I felt ..... OK. How great is that? To know that you are simply OK. Thank you for the gift. It was a small thing. But through small and simple things, great things come to pass!! Talk about overcoming fear.......
Thank you,
Poppy