Addressing Fear

[tayana]

Hops, I have a similar problem.  The depressive bouts always start with a major dose of anxiety and go downhill.   I can feel the anxiety coming on, and I can recognize it now.  It just starts as a contracting of my gut and my heart races.

[Ami]

Dear Poppy,
   I am going to give an opinion. Compost what does not fit.
   I worked as an Assistant to one of the foremost doctors in energy medicine in the country. I learned that any "symptom" has a root. If you cut off the symptom, s/thing new will spring up b/c you did not get the root.
   For myself,I look at fear, anger or depression as a sign that my "thinking"( feeling) is not "right"
   As I root out the cause for these emotions, they leave(slowly)
   I want to discover what inside me is producing these issues.
   For me. trying to "do " things to heal deep emotional patterns did not really work.
  For example,I had a fear of flying.I went on a trip to Russia which involved 14 planes,I think. I was more comfortable with flying after that,butI was still a 'fearful' person.
 
  For me,I approach it that way. Take what sounds helpful.                        Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

I think I am done working so intensely on my pain.  I am ready to let that part of my life go in trust and focus on balancing my life with more happiness and expressive satisfaction.

Dear Poppy,

This is where I am... a decision of will made with every bit of determination in me, knowing full well that the endeavor will require a continuous supply of the grace of Christ. Our pastor speaks of his shock when the church building burned to the ground years ago... and the temptation which may have threatened to destroy his trust and hope. Two things he did at that time which really stand out to me...
1) He said to God, "Lord, You've got a problem here... but I'm with You, Lord, and I'll stand by You and watch You work this through, as I know You can and will."
2) He drew even closer to his family, spending more time with them, rather than less. It was tempting to launch off into all sorts of busy-ness within the ministry and occupy himself in traveling, fundraising, stirring people up for the rebuilding... but by God's grace, he was able to keep his priorities in order and not get pulled off course by some manmade notions of *helping* God do what only HE can do.

Pops, at one time, I was so extremely and negatively self-conscious that I would not even walk down a grocery store aisle if there was a chance I'd have to speak to someone who was blocking the path (like to ask them to please excuse me). I mean, it was severe! I was pretty much afraid of everyone and everything. You know what's helped me to lay down that intense fear? I began to see it as a form of idolatry. Same with *peer pressure* and the *fear of man* - - those factors can elevate other human beings (and often self) to the point of being a consuming force in life and I know that is just plain wrong.
Okay, but I'd say, "I can't help it!"....  "That's just how I am!"  : ) Try sayin that to God and see how He answers... I know how He answers me...
and then I repent and it's back to marching forward, eyes on the goal.

Hope this makes some sense... it's poor wording and a bit raw, but what it all comes down to every single time is so simple - - - I say, "I can't!!" and He says,
"I know! That's why you need ME!"

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear Carolyn,
  That is really great about idolotry. Thanks .                                                         Love   Ami

[axa]

Poppy,

I suffered from depression for years and years............... I don't any longer.  What changed for me through therpay was I got to the core of much of my pain, not all or I would never had ended up with an N again.  But that hoplessness has gone, the deep dark poison of depression has left my system.  When the madness was going on with Xn I felt all sorts of things but rarely felt anything like depression.  IT is as if I have purged that demon and gotten to the root of the problem.  For me it was rage at the abandoment by my parents.  This was not a conscious rage but it was buried beneath layers of rational excuses, talking myself through, all the stuff we do to make us feel better.  I met my rage and depression in its rawest stage and have not experienced it since.  I have felt every emotion under the sun since but not the dreaded depression.  I also want to mention a terrible loneliness that came with my depression.  That sense of being so tiny in the biggest space and nobody around to help or care.  I rarely feel the loneliness either.  I have realised if I feel that alone in a negative way it is because I am making a choice to NOT engage and there are consequences to me for that. 

Taking the challenge of getting up and reconnecting with life has been so hard.  Like dragging my feet through treacle.  I want the connection and desire and I want the aloneness.  Finding the balance is the thing.  What I learned Poppy is how you do it is by doing it.  It really is that simple/hard.  I do know that whenever I have been really scared of something and did it anyway it was the greatest feeling.  Might not want to do the thing again but changed how I saw myself.  I feel that I could do most things now if I wanted to .  I  never knew this.  Anything is possible.

Well done and be gentle with yourself in this new step into the world

axa

[Hopalong]

What I learned Poppy is how you do it is by doing it.  It really is that simple/hard.

Another nugget of truth. What a gift.

Thanks, (((((Axa)))) and love to you
And love to you too (((((((((Poppy)))))))))

Hops

[Poppy Seed]

I have been depressed.  I have been keeping myself away from everyone.  Partly because I needed to heal.....to get centered again.....recover from the pain.  And partly because being myself or expressing myself brings such intense negative feedback.  I used to think it was "ME".  So I took on all the responsibility and the weight of it literally sunk my ship. Depression....deep rage.....maybe some anxiety (but only recently.  that is not usually something I experience.)  I think that I have spent years scrambling trying to make my world safe so that I could enjoy being myself.  Kind of pulling the two worlds together and trying to convert both of them so the conflict and pain would cease.  It was a naive endeavor.  It made me codependent.  It made me controlling.  It did help me survive...but only that.

I know where the roots of my pain are.  I know what happened in every detail.  I don't suffer very often from denial.  Maybe denial of my own worth and denial of my own voice.  But not denial about my pain.  How often I have wished that I couldn't access my feelings some days!!  Izzy, what is your secret?  

I am walking straight into the face of my infirmity.  With courage and wisdom.  Because I know what I can do and I know what I can't do today.  I am learning to give myself the permission to see the wisdom and the permission to exercize it.  Practicing.  And learning how to balance that wisdom with all the other recovery behaviors, has been my quest.

Today, I am looking at my fear.  I am not paralysed by it anymore.  I am don't need it anymore.  I am not afraid that someone won't like me as much anymore.  My self loving practice is much more treasured to me today than the limited opinion of another.  And I have learned that criticisms of others usually comes from an insecure desire to inflate the self.  I am not interested in that.  I am more interested in understanding where proper responsibility should be assigned so I can learn to set my self free from things that don't belong to me.

I know that I am of worth.  I know who made me.  And I know that parts of me are divine.  As I believe is the same with all of you.  The worth of souls IS great. There is no respector of persons.  And I know that He IS my strength.  But I also know that he gave me strengths to develop while I am here on earth.  And sometimes he lets me pass through without taking away the resistance.  Because he wants me to build the strength.  I am not so worried about repenting with regards to my healing walk. Maybe that sounds off to you.  But I trust myself to know when I need to. And trust this process is in and of itself an effort of repentance.  I know He knows my limitations better than I do.  He knows the depths of the pain.  He walks with me every step....   I know that I can't do it alone.  And I try not to attempt to.

I want now to give myself permission to do all the things I couldn't do before....because I was so afraid of punishment or scorn or disapproval or whatever else came out of my less than perfect environment.  It is time.  The next step on the journey.  

So, I am looking at it objectively.  My fear.  I am walking straight into it.  I know you can't see or completely understand.  Because my ability to write is lesser than my ability to talk.  Had we had this conversation face to face, I am sure I would have done a better job communicating.

I am not depressed.  I am not full of anxiety.  I am full of determination to face the next big thing....knowing fully my weakness.  I just need a voice other than my own that helps me combat those millions of echos in my head that tell me "I can't". That warn me of all the pain in the past.  That searing disabiling pain that has keep me from my potential.  I know that God is there.  I know that!!  I have no doubts.  But I also feel him waiting for me....and in his wisdom and patience......giving me strength to ask for what I need.  SO! With shaking voice and trembling knees, Could somebody.......just telll me that I am good and that I can do it?  Just for today, no lectures or sermons or recommendations or pointing to my oh so obvious deficits.  I need perhaps a little encouragment. Maybe a little banner waving.  Because I finally have the courage to try.  I know I am crazy to be this honest.  I can't help myself.  It is who I am.  I may not be lot of things.  But at least I am honest.

Poppy

ps.  Please forgive me......please understand........

[Ami]

Dear Poppy,
  You are so sweet.You remind me of one of my son's asking me some version of that question.One small thing that is helping me is looking at someone who does love themselves (like my Aunt) and realizing that the ONLY difference between us are the "tapes" in our heads. Our inherent 'worth: is the same.
  Poppy,I want to ask you a question. Are you healing by expressing yourself as deeply as you are.? My "theory" is that much of our "false ideas" about ourselves are from shame. Shame tells us that we are "different". So, if we express ourselves and other people understand, then we MUST NOT be THAT different. So,it is taking shame and pushing it "on it's head.'
 It is beating shame at it's own game. Shame is the glue that keeps us in fear and depression(as I see it)
Part of my healing is seeing that I am not alone with these deep feelings of inadequacy.I am starting to trust that if I feel s/thing. other people feel the same things. S/times they will admit it. S/times they won't. However,I am the same inside as other human beings.Since age 14,I thought that I was "different".
. I think that a big part of our hurting so badly is feeling like we are different from other human beings.
You can do it.I think that you are  talented,witty and , intelligent . Your ONLY problem is bad 'tapes" in your head-- that is it. If the tapes could be magically erased and the truth stuck in, you would see how magnificent you are.                         Love You ,  Ami  (((((((((((Poppy))))))))))

[Leah]

I have been depressed.  I have been keeping myself away from everyone.  Partly because I needed to heal.....to get centered again.....recover from the pain.  And partly because being myself or expressing myself brings such intense negative feedback.  I used to think it was "ME".  So I took on all the responsibility and the weight of it literally sunk my ship. Depression....deep rage.....maybe some anxiety (but only recently.  that is not usually something I experience.)  I think that I have spent years scrambling trying to make my world safe so that I could enjoy being myself.  Kind of pulling the two worlds together and trying to convert both of them so the conflict and pain would cease.  It was a naive endeavor.  It made me codependent.  It made me controlling.  It did help me survive...but only that.

I know where the roots of my pain are.  I know what happened in every detail.  I don't suffer very often from denial.  Maybe denial of my own worth and denial of my own voice.  But not denial about my pain.  How often I have wished that I couldn't access my feelings some days!!  Izzy, what is your secret?  

I am walking straight into the face of my infirmity.  With courage and wisdom.  Because I know what I can do and I know what I can't do today.  I am learning to give myself the permission to see the wisdom and the permission to exercize it.  Practicing.  And learning how to balance that wisdom with all the other recovery behaviors, has been my quest.

Today, I am looking at my fear.  I am not paralysed by it anymore.  I am don't need it anymore.  I am not afraid that someone won't like me as much anymore.  My self loving practice is much more treasured to me today than the limited opinion of another.  And I have learned that criticisms of others usually comes from an insecure desire to inflate the self.  I am not interested in that.  I am more interested in understanding where proper responsibility should be assigned so I can learn to set my self free from things that don't belong to me.

I know that I am of worth.  I know who made me.  And I know that parts of me are divine.  As I believe is the same with all of you.  The worth of souls IS great. There is no respector of persons.  And I know that He IS my strength.  But I also know that he gave me strengths to develop while I am here on earth.  And sometimes he lets me pass through without taking away the resistance.  Because he wants me to build the strength.  I am not so worried about repenting with regards to my healing walk. Maybe that sounds off to you.  But I trust myself to know when I need to. And trust this process is in and of itself an effort of repentance.  I know He knows my limitations better than I do.  He knows the depths of the pain.  He walks with me every step....   I know that I can't do it alone.  And I try not to attempt to.

I want now to give myself permission to do all the things I couldn't do before....because I was so afraid of punishment or scorn or disapproval or whatever else came out of my less than perfect environment.  It is time.  The next step on the journey.  

So, I am looking at it objectively.  My fear.  I am walking straight into it.  I know you can't see or completely understand.  Because my ability to write is lesser than my ability to talk.  Had we had this conversation face to face, I am sure I would have done a better job communicating.

I am not depressed.  I am not full of anxiety.  I am full of determination to face the next big thing....knowing fully my weakness.  I just need a voice other than my own that helps me combat those millions of echos in my head that tell me "I can't". That warn me of all the pain in the past.  That searing disabiling pain that has keep me from my potential.  I know that God is there.  I know that!!  I have no doubts.  But I also feel him waiting for me....and in his wisdom and patience......giving me strength to ask for what I need.  SO! With shaking voice and trembling knees, Could somebody.......just telll me that I am good and that I can do it?  Just for today, no lectures or sermons or recommendations or pointing to my oh so obvious deficits.  I need perhaps a little encouragment. Maybe a little banner waving.  Because I finally have the courage to try.  I know I am crazy to be this honest.  I can't help myself.  It is who I am.  I may not be lot of things.  But at least I am honest.

Poppy

ps.  Please forgive me......please understand........

Dear (((( Poppy ))))

Well I trully do understand.

You are clearing expressing the wisdom and courage to be, authentic!

Which is wonderful --- so "well done you"

Love & Hugs to you,

Leah

[Poppy Seed]

Yes, Ami.  Those blasted tapes!!!  I am fighting them.  Can't you hear the ROCKY theme song in my background???

Leah, 

Thank you for understanding me -- as pathetic as it may be.  It is amazing what being understood can do for a person. :::feeling good:::

[Leah]

I think I am done working so intensely on my pain.  I am ready to let that part of my life go in trust and focus on balancing my life with more happiness and expressive satisfaction.

Dear Poppy,

This is where I am... a decision of will made with every bit of determination in me, knowing full well that the endeavor will require a continuous supply of the grace of Christ. Our pastor speaks of his shock when the church building burned to the ground years ago... and the temptation which may have threatened to destroy his trust and hope. Two things he did at that time which really stand out to me...
1) He said to God, "Lord, You've got a problem here... but I'm with You, Lord, and I'll stand by You and watch You work this through, as I know You can and will."
2) He drew even closer to his family, spending more time with them, rather than less. It was tempting to launch off into all sorts of busy-ness within the ministry and occupy himself in traveling, fundraising, stirring people up for the rebuilding... but by God's grace, he was able to keep his priorities in order and not get pulled off course by some manmade notions of *helping* God do what only HE can do.

Pops, at one time, I was so extremely and negatively self-conscious that I would not even walk down a grocery store aisle if there was a chance I'd have to speak to someone who was blocking the path (like to ask them to please excuse me). I mean, it was severe! I was pretty much afraid of everyone and everything. You know what's helped me to lay down that intense fear? I began to see it as a form of idolatry. Same with *peer pressure* and the *fear of man* - - those factors can elevate other human beings (and often self) to the point of being a consuming force in life and I know that is just plain wrong.
Okay, but I'd say, "I can't help it!"....  "That's just how I am!"  : ) Try sayin that to God and see how He answers... I know how He answers me...
and then I repent and it's back to marching forward, eyes on the goal.

Hope this makes some sense... it's poor wording and a bit raw, but what it all comes down to every single time is so simple - - - I say, "I can't!!"

and He says,

"I know! That's why you need ME!"

Love to you,
Carolyn

Thank you so much ((( Carolyn )))

For sharing about God's Grace and the experience of your pastor's walk with Him. 

Truly wonderful and inspirational --- and so very encouraging too.

Recently, I have come to realise just exactly what 'Idolatry' truly is, in it's full, true meaning, and so I really do understand and affirm what you have  shared on the aspect of 'Idolatry'.


And regarding:

....."but what it all comes down to every single time is so simple - - - I say, "I can't!!"

and He says,

"I know! That's why you need ME!"


Ditto 


Love & Hugs,

Leah

PS .. I truly appreciate the 'Footprints' poem ...

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,
“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.” 

[Poppy Seed]

Ami,

I think that I do feel healing from sharing.  That feeling that I am not alone.....that is really a big piece.  But sometimes I feel like it shows all my weaknesses and somehow I feel exposed.  I think that perhaps I have learned to be jumpy because so much of my expression has been used against me in these last ten years.....and before.  I feel myself flinch in fear when I write.  I have to proof-read over and over to make sure I haven't said that wrong thing.  Some days I do ok.  Others, I have to pull back into safety mode.  Other times I force myself to write my feelings....however weak or stupid they may appear....just to get the voice out of me and to practice standing by it in strength even though it doesn't represent all of me and even though I am not that good at expressing it.  I think that exercise is building strength.  Sometimes the advice and listening of the board is just the thing to fill in the blanks for me.   I am grateful for this laboratory to see if I can unlearn some of my voicelessness.  Or to have more confidence in the strength I haven't put away somewhere.  I think when I feel that someone on the board reallly hears me or senses what my needs are and then is willing to offer a word.......that is really healing.


I love what you said about Shame being the glue!!  That is so profound.  I sooooo want the shame gone.  But I am afraid I have mountains of it to confront or reprogram.  Just when I think I am a step ahead, it is back again in full force.  But I am not allowing a day to go by where the shame is not challenged or banished.  It is on my "no tolerance" list!

[Ami]

Dear Poppy,
  Shame is very  deep in us.It will go slowly(IME). I think that you are sounding better--little by little.
 Shame only can live in the dark as "secrets. Just saying your feelings will put light on it and push it away.
   You are doing really well.
  The purpose of the board is to get our voice back.  Shame blocks our authenticity. As it leaves, our beauty shines through.
                                                                                                Rock On, Kid       Love  Ami

[Poppy Seed]

Thanks AMi.  Thanks.  I know my beauty can't shine through right now.  It is a frustrating realization.  But, I am patient.  I know that somewhere down the line, it will come without me having to try so dang hard. It is hard for me to wait.  It is that P word again.  And my desire to find that oh so precious thing I lost in the rubble of the fire.

Thank you, Ami.  So much.

[Poppy Seed]

I am sorry if I offended anyone with my previous comments.  I was clearly in a 'sorry for self' mood.  I welcome all your comments however they come and was perhaps unduly sensitive the other day.  I am seeing things so much differently and I wanted to apologize.  Please forgive me.


Poppy