I have been, the last few weeks, visualizing my what my life would look like if I couldn't fail, as you put it CB. Feeling the excitement.....being tempted by the fear. I am not giving into it. I am determined to fight thru it even though my hands shake and my knees weak.
I have made a list and added a few magazine photos. I have been doing some online research to educated myself on a few subjects. I have a list of hobby-like things I want to dabble in and then professional goals. I had a giant conversation with my H about how much time I spend on his life, his schooling, his family, and his problems and how I want to focus on me and my life, hopes, dreams, etc. And how much I needed his support and motivating voice when the fear threatens to get the best of me. He is very supportive. He is setting aside some money so I can go back to school -- or at least take a few classes. He says he will help with the household stuff and childcare so I can go and spread my wings a bit. So, I suppose I just need to go for it.
I always wanted to be a stay at home mom while my kids were small. And I have been lucky enough to do that. But most of my kids are in school now and I am finding more free time. My house is pretty organized now As I explore my options and try to consider how I can make some of these dreams come true, I see those fears. I feel the PTSD symptoms of people watching and scorning me. I am ignoring it for now. Trying to use my tools to make the images go away.
Boy, the fear is so strong some days. Strong enough to keep me cemented in. I don't want to settle for that anymore. I am trying to be more social.....it feels so unnatural but I am trying to "fake it". I don't care what people think as much as I did a few months ago. I think I have new fears about being too old and not able to compete in the market place. I worry. But I shouldn't about all those things. Anyone who succeeded at anything refused to believe the voices that said they couldn't do it.
I really want to make the pictures in my head reality. I am taking steps......trying to find the money.....trying to give myself permission to fail.......permission to fail and get up and try again.
I am taking little steps like hosting a cuzzins party this Sunday Eve ( I am scared no one will come) and hosting Thanksgiving for my side of the fam this year. I am going to more church functions and trying to talk to my neighbors when I get the mail. I am in the process of shopping for a guitar. (I used to play in college.) I want to take lessons and learn to do it for real. I have my old John Denver books I used to love to play up in the canyon around the fire with everyone singing along. I started to decorate my house. I like doing it and I am good at it. I have decorated other homes and friends ask me for design advice ......well they used to......and I want to start doing that again. I am good at it.
Thank you for the support. It is hard to admit that I need all that I can get right now. This is really a new beginning for me. A giant shift! I am standing at the cliff, knowing I have to jump and unsure if I will fall or fly.
I am looking to boost my confidence and self esteem. I think I am done working so intensely on my pain. I am ready to let that part of my life go in trust and focus on balancing my life with more happiness and expressive satisfaction.
