Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Hopalong on April 06, 2008, 04:43:19 PM
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I feel a deep deep fatigue.
In the last few days I've received a summons (attached to the front door when I came home), found out my brother was taking me to court to try to become my mother's guardian and (more likely the point) conservator of all her assets (and he has some traction because I made mistakes in her accounts--no theft or fraud, but errors). So my old terror of losing the house is back.
To top it off, after I emailed him to please not return to the house, he emailed back that he WAS going to be staying here (last night). I felt terrified, invisible, like a bug on the sidewalk. You can threaten my security, slander me to the neighbors and campaign against me, and I'm supposed to say, Do come in, your room is ready?So there was a panicky call to the locksmith...the locks are changed...a visit to the attorney (this will cost thousands I don't have)...and a very panicky drive from my workplace back home in the middle of the day to be sure the plumber had left the place locked up, since my brother was on his way.
I followed the attorney's instructions and left him a voicemail and emailed again, to tell him I did not want him to stay here, basically that it was unfair for him to expect me to welcome him to stay with me when he's threatening me legally. My nerves have been shot and I haven't been sleeping.
Today I hauled myself out of bed and met Mom's church reps at her room, and they gave her a communion service. I brushed her hair and stayed with her a while.
My father is churning in his grave.
My brother is a pathological liar and an evil, malignant narcissist, and he wants to destroy me. I believe he's gone back to Chicago. I wrote him that if he'd make arrangements for a mediation hearing, I'd be glad to attend.
Now I have to photocopy all of my mother's financial records for the last five years to provide to his attorney. I'll get that done tomorrow...I see my attorney again Tuesday morning, and he wants $2500. I don't have it. Oy.
Bad bad week.
thanks for listening,
Hops
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Oh Hops
I wish I could somehow make things better. I am so sorry. This sounds like one of those times that force you to gnash your teeth and suck it up until the clouds clear.
You definitely have a lot of shit on your plate.
(((((((((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth
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(((((((Hops)))))))
Don't know what to say 'cept I've been there and dragging yourself thru the slime is unbearable. Please be sure to do something for yourself and your spirit.
towrite
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I am so sorry, Hops. :(
I have to say you are very strong to be able to do what you need to do despite your deep feelings of fatigue and anxiety. I admire you. I hope your attorney can help you get past all this and that you won't have to deal with your brother at some happy point in the future.
*hugs*
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(((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))
I am sorry you are hurting so very much. Ami
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Hops,
The one thing that I know is he won't destroy you. That is just not possible. Don't fear him.
Remember Hops the other side of fear is freedom. Do not be afraid of things you do not know. You do not know what is going to happen. You need to stay confident and free of his N BS and take him on. So what you made mistakes, so do I, so does he. The court could tell him to pound salt. He could lose his money on some BS case he is bringing against you. He is not that powerfull if you don't let him be. It's a power game now. You have power too. Do not fear the out come. You need to sleep and wake up with your dukes up and ready to go. Shock the hell out of him Hops.
You need pep talks girl.
Love
Deb
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Dear Hops,
Now is a good time to hang out here and get encouragement from those of us who have experienced the anxiety or your present circumstances. No one who has not been there can't imagine how horrible it is to be where you are. And this on top of the weariness you already had. I'm so sorry. Glad you changed the locks.
Keep your dukes up as debkor says.
Sincerely,
tt
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Hops-keep calm. Get your ducks in a row. ask your mom what her wishes are. Let the lawyer do his job and never let them see you sweat. Here for you!
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Do not be afraid of things you do not know. You do not know what is going to happen.
I think this is brilliant. Just the thought of what you have to face is enough to completely wear you down. Don't think about it.
You have your regular stuff that you have to do and now you have some more. Just see it as stuff you are doing for your mother. Keep your mind off your brother. Do whatever you can not to engage in the emotions he is provoking.
(I couldn't do it but I am trying. This is a "do what I say, not what I do" sort of post.) My heart is with you. I want you to find and wear your, "I can and will survive this" attitude and never look back. I know it is a coin toss about how things will turn out but I've begun to believe that our attitude can have a quantum effect. Look for the win!!!
Thoughts and prayers with you and your win - Love to you - GS
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Hops, I thought about your situation most of the night. There is no logical way any judge will give your brother custody. He's not responsible, is he? He's not been there in the past, has he? His record of trustworthiness is bad, isn't it?
And all of you and your actions have been the opposite of his. Mathematical mistakes will not be held against you. He will be asked for a plan of action for the future - doubt he'll be able to come up with a suitable one, plus his past will speak against him in sticking to it.
As tired as you are, it's hard, I know, not to be afraid. You have so many positive things in your favor. I hope you can focus on those and trust yourself.
towrite
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Thank you everyone, so very very much.
I need to tell you each individually how much your posts mean to me.
But I can't just now, I am just overwhelmed.
For now please know you have stiffened my spine and strengthened my heart (especially you Deb...those were fightin' words I needed!).
All of you, your messages are so deeply appreciated.
much grateful love,
Hops
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Please give us progress reports.
This is our rallying cry: "Keep your dukes up!" (aka Debkor)
towrite
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So sorry this turmoil continues, Hops.
Your mother chose you and that's who's in charge.
He can't assume control bc of a banking error or two. Sorry.
He can huff and puff and tell you he'll blow your house down though.
Try to be mindful of the reality behind his threats.
You've been covering your bases..... the facts are the facts.
Remember that.
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Oh Hoppy Darling.... That blooming brother of yours is such an arse. Amazing how someone so loving as yourself and him can be related (but I guess that's the same for a lot of us!)
I so wish there is something I could do. Hopefully my big hugs will find you and let you know you are not alone.
I'm so sorry as it's been an absolute age since I've been on here... how are things on the job front now? And I hope you are still able to go to church...
Love H&H
PS: I had a baby boy (19th Sept, yep, I said it had been an age, there's just no excuse for it!), who we called Jacob.
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Hops,
How are you doing? I know you are overwhelmed, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you.
I hope you are finding some peace in the middle of all this mess.
Lots of love,
Beth
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(((((((((Hops))))))))) I'm thinking of you daily... and praying, too.
Feels like he's treating you in the way he'd really like to treat his (your) mother. At least that's how my brother did me, back when we were in the same universe.
It will end. In the meanwhile, I've not stopped rejoicing that you've changed the locks on your home.... because that's what it is and you deserve to have a sanctuary.
Love and more hugs,
Carolyn
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Thank you, loving friends...
I partly haven't posted because I feel guilty for not thanking all of you individually, ToWrite, CH, Beth, Izz, Lighter, Amber, GS, Kel, Flowerpower...and forgive me for one HAPPY EXPLOSION...
H&H??? For REAL? :D You had the baby! What a joy to hear from you! :cry: :lol: (mix up those icons). Thank you for logging in to cheer me up. I can't wait to hear more about Jacob.
Everybody, I'm okay, just feel very very draggy and am postponing assembling all the documents for the lawyer. Part paperphobia (not really necessary, as things are in order) and part fear. I am so uneven with paperwork, what if my paper trail as Mom's home-accountant is full of errors I never noticed?? I think that's it.
But I've got to get to it.
I will keep you posted.
Not a peep from my brother since I changed the locks and emailed him that he couldn't stay.
Mom's pitiful, these days. I go every other evening.
love
Hops
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Thinking of you, Hops! Sending Cyberspace 'strength" and peace, Ami
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H&H??? For REAL? :D You had the baby! What a joy to hear from you! :cry: :lol: (mix up those icons). Thank you for logging in to cheer me up. I can't wait to hear more about Jacob.
Everybody, I'm okay, just feel very very draggy and am postponing assembling all the documents for the lawyer. Part paperphobia (not really necessary, as things are in order) and part fear. I am so uneven with paperwork, what if my paper trail as Mom's home-accountant is full of errors I never noticed?? I think that's it.
But I've got to get to it.
I will keep you posted.
Not a peep from my brother since I changed the locks and emailed him that he couldn't stay.
Mom's pitiful, these days. I go every other evening.
love
Hops
Yes for real, and I'm so sorry for not logging in for so long.... I know I've never felt so tired and there never seems to be enough hours in the day but it's getting better.
Even if you've made errors with your Mum's paperwork, the lawyer will be able to put you on the right track.
I'm so glad you changed the locks and haven't heard a peep from your brother. He can crawl back into his hole!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hoppy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love H&H xx
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(((((((((((hops)))))))))))))
All you are dealing and you still have the presence of mind for your supportive posts for me.
It's only your lawyer who will spot the errors, if you made any!!????
In Canada, it is only a conscious decision to not pay the Taxes, that causes the hangman to come. An accounting error would just mean paying the difference plus interest, or maybe receiving a fat refund.
I just know you will be fine..... and GREAT re keeping your brother away!
Love
Izzy
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Errrgghh.
Izz, I was in charge of making sure Mom's quarterly estimated taxes were paid and I missed two so now there's a bill plus penalty due.
Hangman?
My brother would gladly volunteer.
I hope the fact that I took it all to her accountant and am eager to pay the late ones as well as what's due now...I hope that'll make it okay. I'm also paying her penalty out of my own funds.
Hops
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Oh, Hops,
That's a piece of cake-----so to speak!
No Hangman awaiting you. Paying the outstanding amount plus penalty sounds right....you just need the money. Are you OK there????
Good Luck
Izzy
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Nooooooooo...I'm not.
I'm several thousand short.
And with my brother licking his chops in the wings, I'm finding it harder than it NORMALLY is to sit down with the calculator and make sense of it all.
I'm no genius at paperwork...so managing two sets of finances has been a lot.
It was just foolish to hire the extra caregiver w/o really assessing the budget, and everything piled up at once (along with a new-used fridge and a bunch of plumbing emergencies, etc.). I just was not paying attention.
Fingers crossed. I will be trying to get a grip on it this weekend.
xo
Hops
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I am sorry, Hops.It sounds very overwhelming. I know that paperwork was not your strength and now you have this. It seems almost too much to bear,especially with your brother ready to pounce. I think only supernatural grace will get you though and I am praying for that.
((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))) Love, Ami
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Just got promised a small bonus, so that'll help!
:D
Hops
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Hi Hops
....nice re the Bonus
....and do you know someone who would co-sign a loan for you, if you cannot get one on your own?
....I would let you borrow from me, but we have funny coloured money up here :lol: and that used to be a problem for me: lending to the wrong people, like N-SIL, for fear of losing my daughter, which I did anyway.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be. That must be no longer quoted in today's times.
Good Luck, and I always think of the fact that as long as one pays something on an amount outstanding, it shows a promise to continue, and keeps the IRS man from the door--- in Canada, anyway.
Love
Izzy
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Thanks, Izz...
I'll cope. You're kind to worry, but no need.
It's the PROCESS of finances that overwhelms me. Not the realities of limits, so much.
The rest is kind of...well, if you got it you got it, if you don't, you don't.
But it'll be okay. I only slept 1 hour last night so I was feeling jaggedy.
Meanwhile, I'm going to watch KOLYA (haven't seen it but people I like recommend it strongly) and crash.
Tomorrow is another day (said Scahlett O'Hara...)
Wishing you a peaceful weekend (and everyone)
xxxooo
Hops
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::thinking of a warm cup of tea finding serenity in the craziness::
(((Hops))) It'll be ok.
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Thanks, (((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))
It's all a matter of perspective.
thinking of you, too,
Hops
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Dear Hops,
I am sending you prayers for the best outcome in your trying situation, Hops. Love Ami
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Thanks, Ami...
I think it will just grind its way along slowly, and as long as I do my part and not give away my serenity, it'll all be fine.
Hope your weekend is peaceful, and you find time in nature.
xo
Hops
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Hops, how are things going for you now. Are you sleeping? Has the stress lessened? Are you in a holding pattern?
Thinking of you and that one foot square. - Gaining Strength
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Hi GS, aka Hops' Role Model...
I photocopied for 4 hours today, the bulk of it. More paperwork tomorrow.
It felt good to sleep last night and I also took a deep nap this afternoon.
I feel good. In spite of Mr. Spitey. (Brother.)
It's early spring.
I mean, it's
!!***SPRING!***!!
Astounds me every year.
How can I not be grateful to be alive?
xo
Hops
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I photocopied for 4 hours today, the bulk of it. More paperwork tomorrow.
OMG! That is hard to imagine!! That sounds positively exhausting. I'm sorry. It must have been expensive as well.
It felt good to sleep last night and I also took a deep nap this afternoon.
That is great news. Sleep is such an important "self care" part of life. So glad you are resting. That is a good good sign.
I'll be sending copy strength mojo tomorrow.
Gaining Strength
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Oh Hops..... how daunting all that paperwork must seem to you.
Remember the best way to eat an elephant.....
you can do it.
And you will.
Lighter
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Hi everybody,
I'm not as blue as the original thread title, but thought I'd bring this thread up again since the hearing is tomorrow.
What the lawyers have planned is a meeting (all 3 of them: mine, my brother's, the guardian ad litem) tomorrow. My brother and I will wait outside while they hash out something to suggest to my brother.
I felt better since I went to see the guardian ad litem (the lawyer who represents Mom's interest "during the litigation"). He listened stone-faced so I was worried at first, but then mirrored back to me such a concise summary of exactly what the situation is that I felt understood, and have a strong feeling that he has my brother's number.
The best outcome will be that I am named Guardian and Conservator and also that they agree we should make a new deed giving my mother a life interest in the house and it would transfer to me immediately on her death, thus excluding it from the will so there'd be nothing for my brother to contest.
I don't think my brother will prevail but no doubt he will do all he can.
But I've done my best to prepare well and will just stay calm and trust in my lawyer. Will update you tomorrow night.
love to all,
Hops
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My spirit is with you tomorrow at the hearing.
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OH HOPS...
this is very hopeful news! I'll be on pins & needles until you report back! I'll be thinking good thoughts & sending you good juju all day...
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Dear Hops,
Wishing you well, today . I can hear your strength, Hops.
I think you will prevail. Waiting to hear. Hugs, Ami
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((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))
Here's to truth...
Wishing you the best (and the best outcome) today.
Love, Beth
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Awaiting your news, Hops
I'm sure it goes your way!
Love
Izzy
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Thinking of you, Hops
hoping for a positive outcome, for you.
Love,
Leah
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Hops,
Your brother is a weenie. A laughable, puffed up, hard ball playing, bonkers power monger who gets his jollies frightening you.
I have a brother like that. HE is older and so something happens and I feel four years old again and powerless around his rage and contempt. My brother is a weenie too.
YOu are more important than house, records, mom. All of it. You are a beacon of light to many. I can imagine the army of your frineds here creating a shield of protection for you so that you can no longer let in his bafflegab and nastiness. He is very accurate and lethal with his weapons but not enough to get through. Don't take any of his baloney personally you crystal ruby wonderful person who is so full of good will and insight.
I wish I had the words to truly help you. I just think you are wonderful.
Sea storm
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I'm overwhelmed, Seastorm. Thank you.
(I didn't know you knew my brother!) :shock:
And Ami, Leah, SS, Beth, Ami, Izzy...thank you all.
I heard the muted beat of your Amazonian swords being thumped against your shields as you stood behind me...
The hearing was continued (postponed) until June 3 in lieu of a very long (3 hour) meeting with all three lawyers and my brother and me. At one point his lawyer "revealed their true colors" as my attorney said. He is very confident they cannot prevail. All is legal and in order and up front, and my brother's motives are obviously her assets after her death, not her well-being now.
But, it's not over. So I will just need to be sure every t is crossed and every i neatly dotted, and carry on.
He demanded to stay at the house tonight and to be able to bring his children here. His lawyer pushed me hard but I said No. (Calmly.) I kept my cool and let my lawyer talk, and when I was asked a direct question I answered honestly.
Best I could do.
It's sad and in spite of everything, I feel sorry for my brother. He's a tormented person. But not sorry enough to let down my guard. Never again.
Will keep you posted, meanwhile, it's a waiting game.
love to you,
Hops
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OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH OH Hops
How well you handled that. I am very impressed and I feel all will be yours at the end of this mess~
Love
Izzy
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He demanded to stay at the house tonight and to be able to bring his children here. His lawyer pushed me hard but I said No.
Way to go Hops. That takes so much courage!!! I am so impressed and so proud of you!!!
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Hops,
I am not surprised at how well you held yourself.
You are
strong
smart
and most lovingly graceful.
So proud of you, for being "YOU" though this most hurtful time. Love you, seasons
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Oh Hops - I hope I can learn enough about how to be this strong, for my SELF, from you - fast enough. You did very, very well! and will continue to do so, I believe.
My own family drama began descending last night. But I won't hijack your thread with it...
Congrats again on standing your ground and the good, no - excellent prediction of the outcome from your lawyer.
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((((( Hops )))))
Comfort and Peace in the midst of the storm.
Leah x
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Thanks, y'all, true thanks...I am not kidding about the crowd of invisible Amazons!
Amber, no such thing as a hijack on any thread of mine--what happened?
If you're ready to share, it's welcome here. Or wherever you like.
love to all,
Hops
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I am so glad you stood your grounds about him staying in your house. No matter what looks good for you legally, it wouldn't do you any good if you're in pieces -- which is what would've happened if you'd backed down. Way to go, girl.
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Holy moly.
Just got the letter from my brother's lawyer and guess what, boys and girls?
After Mom's mastectomy, seems my brother took her to a lawyer and got her to write ANOTHER will.
I knew nothing about it.
Now, instead of inheriting the house, I inherit 2/3 of the house. That sounds nice but completely impossible, because there's no way I can afford to buy him out.
Oh well. I'm waiting for my lawyer's call.
So, Nmom had another secret, and once again, triangulated with my brother...and, he is demanding in his counter-offer that he and his family be allowed to stay at the house when they want to.
I'll
be
damned :(
sigh,
Hops
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Oh, I'm soooooo sorry hops!
This will, certainly complicates things - but I'm going to trust in the wisdom of the legal system for you...
I'm going to hope that given all the other crap your brother's dreamed up to torment you with, that they'll find a way to invalidate this second will.... I hope, I hope, I hope! It's all just pure meanness on his part. WEENIE!
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Holy moly.
Just got the letter from my brother's lawyer and guess what, boys and girls?
After Mom's mastectomy, seems my brother took her to a lawyer and got her to write ANOTHER will.
I knew nothing about it.
Now, instead of inheriting the house, I inherit 2/3 of the house. That sounds nice but completely impossible, because there's no way I can afford to buy him out.
Oh well. I'm waiting for my lawyer's call.
So, Nmom had another secret, and once again, triangulated with my brother...and, he is demanding in his counter-offer that he and his family be allowed to stay at the house when they want to.
I'll
be
damned :(
sigh,
Hops
Hi Hops,
I think that you receiving a letter today is really odd -- How come the lawyer never brought this matter to everyone's attention during yesterday's meeting? Especially, given that he, your brother, requested to stay in the house
I do feel that your brother's determination to get 'into' the house -- as family members staying/living there whenever they want to -- is a significant move in regard to making a claim for certain rights later on.
Your mother had just had an operation -- how long ago? -- obviously, post operative state of health, especially given the nature of the operation, and he seemingly, maybe, coerced her under duress?
Hops, you have given tender loving care to your mother for the last 10 years, while during this time he has enjoyed a relatively stress free life with his family -- knowing that his mother is well cared for.
Counter-claim his self entitlement claim to the 1/3 -- with 10 years life care given. Which would be fair and reasonable, which he clearly, is not. Has he ever said "thank you" to you for looking after his mother?
Just my thoughts, as your brother is so annoying and seeming, appears to be quite cold and callous even.
I don't like his lawyer's tactics of sending this letter the SAME day as the meeting -- during which time you were evidently harangued by your brother and simply had to set your personal boundary of NO to his demand for him and his family to stay, as they please, in the house which after all said and done, has been your home for the last ten years.
Which is sneaky, indeed.
My FOO siblings would do the same sort of thing to me, of that I can be sure.
Their primary goal and thought in life, is material possession.
Love, Leah
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Thank you, Leah. You've certainly got his number.
Actually, I hadn't realized the new will was attached to the letter, and it looks real. And I don't know any more whether my brother was there with her, as her morning companion is on it as a witness. So Mom may have done it on her own.
One way, my brother stabs me in the back.
The other, both of them did.
So either way, it doesn't feel good.
At the moment, I feel like leaving her there to rot. A few little remarks she's made now make sense. I do think she probably knew what she was doing. Not sure, and I don't know whether it's contestable or not...probably not.
I absolutely will not yield on opening the house to them, however. Whether I live there for two months or 5 years more, he is not coming in.
sadly,
Hops
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I'm so sorry, hops
but stick to your guns, and I see the possibility for a counter-claim for all your years of attention and caring.
I am angry at your brother AND your mother!
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Oh Hops,
Life can take so many unexpected ( and unwanted ) turns--Blech!
I am so sorry.
With my H, his sister is inheriting 75% of a huge amount of money and my H and his B, a small sum, comparitively.
It is so "bad' in familes, sometimes. I am sorry, Hops. Ami
(((((((Hops)))))
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Hi Hops,
Haven't been around for a while, but saw your post and wanted to say this:
First, I am so sorry to hear about this 'new' will.
As far as allowing your bro to stay in the house, ask your lawyer about "possession being 9/10ths of the law". In other words, you physically reside there and he does not. Therefore, I think you have the right of possession and conversly, the right to exclude those you do not want.
As far as his 1/3rd, he has nothing now because your mother is still alive. Assuming the 'new' will is valid, he will only own 1/3rd after she dies, but right now, he owns nada.
If this will is valid, then you will proly need to have house appraised (& he will fight you on the appraisal). But, fornow, you yourself could get a ballpark idea of it's value and then eventually get a mortgage for the amount you may need to buy him out. So, the idea is if the house is worth $100, you get a motgage for 1/3rd ($33) and then give him that $ and this way you buy him out. So, maybe it would be a good idea to see where you could get the lowest motgage interest rate and this will give you an idea of what your monthly payment would be for that mortgage amount of 1/3rd of the value.
Contesting the validity of the will could be costly. Do you think it's a valid will? What does your lawyer say?
If your mother truly did this 1/3rd and 2/3rd thing, then she probably envisioned that you would have to sell when she passes. I'm so sorry, but, I know you will make it through this.
ann
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Hops - I'm not surprised that he had a card up his sleeve. Whether he was with your mother or not he was definitely in on it with her because he knew there was another will. You will be able to figure out part of what happened based on the date of the will.
Can you talk to her morning companion who signed the will? And no more talk about contesting the will, how about talking to your mother about revising this latest will. Do you think it would surprise her to see his legal petition to be allowed to stay in the house? You know your mother - how can you approach her to get things worked out in a way that will be feasible for you? No one wins if the house is divided 1/3 - 2/3 - especially when you and your brother are at odds. It would be difficult at best if you got along swimmingly to handle a house divided between two differing odds. One will want to sell it when another doesn't. One will argue about the timing another will have needs for money when the other would like to hold out for a better market and on and on. Splitting the house that way is a no win situation for both of you. Do you think you or anyone your mother would listen to can approach her about that? Do you know the lawyer who drew up the will?
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Thanks, Amazons.
Just had a good bawl. One of my pal promises to save me a packing crate to live in. (We have sick senses of humor.)
The will appears to be valid and my mother appears to have too much dementia to be able to change it.
Yes, she intended to force the sale, which means all my pleas to be able to plan to stay meant nothing to her.
She even said to me once, "Well, the neighbors here expect a certain level of decor, and I don't think you can do that."
It is not worth fighting. I will just have to get another mortgage to buy out my brother if I can, and if not, we'll sell.
It's still sinking in. My daughter's devastated.
On some level I recognize that my MOTHER does not want me to be happy and stay in her house. If she can't have it, nobody will...is the sense I once had.
And now I think that was right intuition.
Right now, I can't imagine fighting. I just have to figure out how to raise the money. This town is so incredibly expensive that if I can't buy him out and stay here, I'll wind up in a very unsafe kin of neighborhood, as I won't be able to afford anything else.
It will take time, but right now I can't forgive her for this. I guess I had a shred of denial left about the degree of her disregard for me.
But it's gone now.
OW
OW
OW
love and thank you.
Hops
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That is incredibly shocking!
I didn't realize that she had slipped so quickly into a dementia. This whole thing is such a mess. When the shock wears off I hope you can sit silently and let some wisdom just drench your mind so that you might have clarity about how to move forward. It is jarring that your mother let him know about the new will and not you. It is a last jab from the world of dementia to let you know that she never changed. That is the cruelest of cruel. I have no delusions that my mother will do the same.
How much time lapses between the two wills? Just curious.
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Two years...
(and two instances of general anesthesia, which is what really kicked it in...)
Cinderella
signing
out
(I felt safe and happy in this space. I was starting to take joy in it now.
I guess she knew I would...that was the mistake. Hope and joy.)
I guess she had no vision for me having a peaceful and happy future because it just didn't matter enough to imagine it.
That would've required empathy and caring.
But she threw me under the bus to get some kudos from her sociopathic, absent, lying son.
:(
Hops
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I feel it as though it were me - right along side you. It puts me in the desire for vengeance - a place I don't believe in and yet I want vengeance for you.
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Hops,
I am so sorry. It's a lot to swallow and a kick in the head.
ann
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I'm sorry to hear of this turn of events. It is so wrong and yet the Ns will never see it that way, so intent are they on their own "survival". They are just Need Machines who only care about destroying the competition. And in their minds, that is us.
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Dear Hops
I am shocked and NOT shocked, at the same time. The N always goes to depths we can't imagine.
When I realized that memory about my M, I thought,"How could I mean so little to her?". I DID mean so little to her. That was the worst part. I did mean so little that she wanted to shock me to get power over me. It made my whole life make sense, all the "litttle" incidents that could not add up, b/c my mind "wouldn't " add them up.
We don't want to have the ultimate betrayal, our own mothers.
I am so, so sorry, Hops. Ami
(((((((Hops)))))))
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((((( Hops )))))
My life story, mother and siblings, is a long one, however, please know that I truly identify with that sinking feeling upon knowing what was done against you, behind your back.
I am genuinely saddened to know that your mother and brother have done this in secret -- which is an insidious act.
Love, Leah
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Hops - it ain't all said and done yet... so don't let yourself think that the universe doesn't have a few surprises up it's sleeve in your favor! It's still possible that the final outcome - still in the realm of future possibilities - could be more beneficial than any of us can see at this time.
I know it feels bad, sweetie... it feels worst-case scenario... and you so don't deserve this. Don't dwell on your mom & brother - I think they're both past human decency now, in different ways. Dwell on you - and when you need us, we'll be here. We all owe you the same caring and comfort and support that you've shown us.
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Oh Hops.... just when you think it can't get any worse.....
it does.
I wonder why we're always surprised.... over and over and over again.
On some level... people who'd never DO anything like that.....
can't understand how other's keep doing it.
I guess we're hoping and waiting for them to change.... if only a little.
So so sorry.....
you're mother.....
::sigh::..
like being yanked under the stairs again... and your mother's helping him this time.
I can't tell you how proud I am that you kept him out of your space.
You don't need the added stress of being under siege, where you should feel safe.
They can take many things from you....
but they shouldn't be able to follow you into your bedroom or go through your things....
your computer, steal your personal space.
Someday we'll learn why these kinds of unfair things happen to decent, nice people?
You've been through so much..... (((Hops)))
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Lighter
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SS, I hear your sword rattling...I sure can understand why you understand! ((((SS)))) I'm sorry it's triggering to you but it makes a lot of sense to me that we have similar issues, particularly around being manipulated with money.
And thank you, Ann...you have been very kind. I truly appreciate your comments and sensitivity.
Leah--you're right, the secrecy makes betrayal even uglier, so...warlike. As though things have been plotted in whispers behind trees while we were skipping along in the moonlight humming. (Oh well. We saw the beauty of the moonlight while they were focused on their ammo.)
Ami, so true. It must be bio-wired in us NOT to imagine this kind of disregard. So the shock still gets us. (It's like book learnin'. Book learnin' doesn't tell you how to be ready for attack, that's a deep cellular wise-animal kind of thing. And we get our wise-animal confused right out of us, with an Nparent...we're still like animal babies on some level. That early human infant dependency still lurks. Ugh. I want my inner animal back. Her, I can trust.)
Amber, your message moved me very much. I was so grateful to read that but I also kept squinting...because it was hopeful. Hope is a trickster, maybe? But it was so good to read your view of positive possibilities. I do need to remember that asking for what I want and then releasing the outcome usually makes way for good things. Thank you. My minister said similar things when she was here yesterday. She said I need to grieve this last loss of safety and trust with my mother, said she is "really ill". And at the same time, hold myself open to the possibility that if I am forced out, I could still find happiness in a new home. So no shortcuts on dealing with the feelings, but I need to challenge my attachment to the place. I realized today that it's the land, the specific earth and trees, I would grieve as much as the building my Dad and greatuncle built. I saved one tree when they were going to cut it down in 1968...its like a friend greeting me every time I look out. Etc. I have always attached so deeply to place. (I need to remember CB's anguish over leaving the farm, and how her courage and openness led her to love her new home.)
Lighter, under the stairs with my mother helping him. Oh, my dear. Did you nail it or what. Thank you. I feel so seen.
With much love to all of you.
Hops
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My minister said similar things when she was here yesterday.
So glad you have such a minister who can minister so well to you.
My heart is grieving along side you. I have had so many homes ripped out from underneath me. Just a year ago my father took away the river home he had given me. A place I had spent so much of my youth and had hoped to have for my son. A place my great grandfather had built. A place I never had the money to fix up. So much loss for me.
not to mention the home my father grew up in and I later grew up in which he sold when my parent divorced and the home my mother grew up in which she did not buy when my grandfather died and she was moving b/c of the divorce but a few years later she pondered out loud that she wished she had bought it. That pondering was such a kick in the belly. She had NO attachment to place and mine was viscerally deep.
I grieve with you.
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(((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))
What really upsets me is that you have been such a GOOD person throughout. You were able to set aside the fact that your mother was less than stellar and take care of her. You did not ask for anything and you truly went beyond what a wounded person would do in the situation. You have always said that you know she wasn't nice, but she is old now, and needs to be taken care of. This all makes the situation SO WRONG. I am so disgusted with her, and your brother - all of them. I can't believe there are people out there who care more about money than about happiness. Your brother is one of those (as are my parents). It makes me sick. I am so sorry that you have been treated like this.
Please have faith in God and that he will not give you more than you can handle. There will be something for you, even if you can't see it now. I know he will help you land on your feet. And now you can truly be free of them.
Lots and lots of love, Hops.
Beth
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Oh Hops... your explanation about attachment to the trees moved me, very much. I know this feeling well and I can't stop the tears... I don't even want to.
During that awful black hole time while I was being shunned... (for being my self and not what my mom told me to be)
I comforted myself finally, by remembering the room I slept in at Grandma's when I was 4-5-6... I already had anxiety about sleeping, 'coz that's when my parents fights were the worst...Grandma would rub my back and tell me to watch the shadows of the pine tree branches in the streetlight glow on the wall... she told me these were the fairies dancing because the night was the safest time, the happiest time for them, in the moonlight...and I would fall into restful sleep; sleep the whole night through.
At this house where I returned to the bedroom of my earliest years, between the house and the awful trailer my mom chose to live in, was an ancient oak. The trunk was so large that even with my long arms I couldn't reach halfway around it; must've been hundreds of years old even then... part of the original virgin forest that once covered Ohio. This tree was magical, like Tolkein's Ents... it was my guardian, my comfort... as long as the tree was there, there was still goodness in the world. I left Ohio in 1980. And every time I returned to visit - I always made a trip to visit the tree. Say: hello, remember me? (I had a real hard time explaining this to people and took a lot of crap for it...) Without that tree or the memory of the pine trees and how simple, good and magical they are - I don't know if I would've survived. It was the only comfort I had.
Last time I visited the tree, I saw that a very large central branch had cracked off and fallen. Maybe lighting; maybe wind... slightly damaged; but still healthy.
When I left hubby #2 in '99, I left behind hundreds of daffodil bulbs that I'd divided and planted over the years on the hillside; hundreds of herbs terraced into the hill, large rhododenrens, and the red spruce that stood guardian to the house I designed and we built. The bulbs came from my grandma's garden years & years before. I returned a year or two later after we split, to retrieve a large oak cupboard that I couldn't take with me, at the time I moved out. And driving the 1/2 mile long, winding, tree-lined drive up the hill to the house, I couldn't stop the tears... I cried the whole time I was there. Not because of the man I left - but because of the pieces of myself that I left there - like some female Johnny Appleseed... the plants, the trees, the bits of cleaning up I'd done the length of this driveway... and I was feeling, seeing my SELF from all those years of work... what I put into the place; the sense of place.
But leaving, the tears dried up. And I realized it was a good thing to leave these little pieces of me - my cultivation, my building, creativity - in different places... because any time I returned, I find another piece of myself... and I was learning that where ever I was in the world, I would always make it "home".
Gotta go now... I'm either going to smoke to stop the tears, or let loose... don't know which yet...
and I don't think I can blubber online.
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Hey Hops,
There is always betrayal with Ns. That is one thing that we can be guaranteed sad to say dealing with such a person. Ugh, it makes me sick. Yet, we never know what the betrayal will be and when it will hit. Always living on the edge with these kinds of people. Walk on eggshells.
I have faith in you dear hoppy. Whatever the cost, it will never be your soul, your person, your goodness. This is just another loose end to tie up.
Whatever happens and I hope you get what was promised you but if not you will go on and this material thing although sentimental will not Crush You it may hurt but you will prevail as always.
I see you, if not, in the house now in a Cape Cod style house. All warm and cozy decorated. Gardening outside with a content look on your face, a white picket fence and maybe with a beach look effect to it.
So if you are here or there the only thing you have lost or gain is a house and just which one but where ever you go or stay it will be with something no one could ever take, ever can, and you will bring yourself (home) they say home is where the heart is, so you can go anywhere and it will be home. Something that others do not have. They have a house they have no home. Home and happiness comes from within then you just put a roof over your head. You don't put a roof over your head to feel home.
Know what I mean?
It's going to be ok.
Love
Deb
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Hops,
Just read this thread, very quickly, and I am so sorry for the mess your Mom has managed to create. I guess you will get plenty of practical ideas from the others here but I just cannot imagine how hurtful this is, bringing up issues of insecurity about the house and the further abuse by your mother and brother. I hope you can find some kind of solution which allows you a safe place to live and as for your mother, well, this site does not allow me to post the words I would like to. It just makes me sick to my stomach.
Thinking of you with love
axa
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Hi Hops
Thinking of you always and, again, I am sorry for this mess your Nmother has created.
In the long run, you will win. Being steadfast, loyal, caring, suffering in silence, etc. will stand you in good stead, if there is a judgement to be handed down.
((((((((((((((((hops)))))))))))))))))0
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Dear, dear (((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))),
I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I'm so sorry for not being here earlier to support you. I'm so sickened by the sheer cruelty of your mother and her conniving, rotten son! They are only related to you biologically Hops. Not in any other way. The two of them belong in the same pit.
They have no inkling......not a shred..... of the kindness and goodness that prevails in you. They are pathetic. And you are solid and true, fair and loving.
At the moment, I feel like leaving her there to rot
No one would blame you one bit if you did and I can imagine many would feel exactly the same. She will rot with or without you Hops.
So will he.
Both of them from the inside out.
And you......no matter what happens ......will grow and flourish and bloom and stay kind and good inside. You will remain solid and keep the truth....stay fair and keep on loving. Somethings I bet they both envy and will never, no matter what dirty tricks they play or have played....no matter how nasty they are or try to be....will never, ever be satisfied. Only envious and jealous and full of self-hate and rage.......doomed to behave worse and worse as time goes on because that is all they are capable of (even if they are totally unaware of it).
Hops, I want to send you some of that white light Mum used to always send people and the strongest good vibes possible across this endless cyberspace. I will pray for you but you truly do not need my prayers because you are blessed with a prize worth more than all the houses on earth and all the money too.
You are blessed with a good soul which no amount of material anything can ever buy. Exactly what those two slimy vampires will never have because they only know how to rip and tear, unlike you who generously mends and builds.
Please take care of you, nurture you and protect you. You must!
Sending love and large, big, huge hugs,
Sela
PS:
Hiya H&H, way back on page 1 and 2! So glad to see your posts and hoping all is well with you! Sending you a big ((((((((((((H&H))))))))) too!
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(((Hops)))
Please don't stop twirling in the garden.....
it'll be ok.
Light
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I am so moved by everything each of you has said.
I can't bring myself to write more about it tonight, but please know how deeply I appreciate this outpouring of support and friendship. Heartfelt thanks, all of you.
And I have had a very good weekend so far...
joyous day with the gardener (y'all do know he's not "a gardener" but my Friend, right?). We went to the rain barrel workshop and came home with 2 huge blue 55-gal barrels, plus all the trimmings. They just fit behind my azaleas (too-tall azaleas) so there'll be 110 gallons of water that doesn't waste groundwater...for garden, car washing, etc. It'll take another day to get it all assembled. I felt very close to him last night.
Today was an electrifyingly right sermon by one of our coministers (they're both leaving for their new congregation in California in a month, we'll miss them terribly). He focused on how America can only restore its moral center by fully restoring Iraq. And how we need national humilty, the acknowledgment that we are trying to correct a moral wrong that was done in the name of this nation. It has never been done before--that an aggressive nation holds itself accountable and tries to right its wrong. I hope and pray our new leadership will see it the same way.
This afternoon I spent several hours working with Eyes Wide Open (an exhibit of the human cost of war) for my state. We had the soldiers' combat boots placed on display, families had put tokens and letters and photos with them. We also had a display of shoes to represent the estimated ratio of 200 Iraqi civilians killed for every American military death. With names attached to all of them. We had a platform and read all the names...American and Iraqi. I rang a bell after each name. It was a draining and moving experience and people's responses were wonderful.
I am tired and trying to just take each day as it comes.
love
Hops
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((((((((( Hops ))))))))))
Bless you for sharing.
How I wish all war would cease - for good!
How I wish all people would live with straightforward respect of one another - for good!
Love,
Leah
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So glad you had a good day..... sounds like you needed it.
Love the rainbarrells.....
watering things at the end of the day, so the sun doesn't soak it all back up.....
being wise with resources.
Yes.
(((Hops)))
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Thinking of you, Hops. I am so sorry you are going through this. Betrayal by a M has to be the worst, I think.
You took really good care of her,Hops. The N's seem to have good D's. I don't know how that works, but I was always a good D, too. My heart goes out to you, Hops. Hugs, Ami
((((((Hops)))))))
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Thanks, Ami.
I'm actually trying to deal with my fear, now.
Of loss and dislocation and not knowing where home is.
More than my feelings about her. They're pretty mild, maybe I'm just exhausted with all that. How she is and who she is don't feel relevant to the question of the house.
The betrayal is done, I'm just worried about how I'll cope with its effects on my life.
On and on it goes, and I had thought I was beginning to enter a chapter of peace and space and celebration.
Now things feel contracted and fearful again.
So I'm avoiding essential paperwork I must must do in order to stay safe even in the short term.
Overeating and biting my nails. Tells me something.
Hops
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((((((((((Hops)))))))))
I am sorry, Hops. Words are so ineffectual sometimes, for this sort of betrayal and the accompanying hardship. My heart goes out to you. Love Ami
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Dear Hops,
Glad yesterday was good.
One thing I was thinking: Maybe this won't be as much of a loss as you may be fearing?
Maybe you will end up in a better place......a place where there are no painful memories or sick bioligical sibblings able to pop in and torment you? Maybe you will find a new, fresh, more peaceful home than you ever imagined? Maybe you will do better than cope?
This is what I am hoping for you Hops. That you will end up much better off! Able to manage....no problem and happier than you anticipated! I dream of your own.....new......more beautiful garden full of everything there is now and then some. And a lovely gardener/friend by you....sharing your joy!
Sela
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((Hops)) I am so sorry to hear what your snake of a brother has done to you. Sadly I am not surprised, which makes it worse.
What they are capable of is just...........
Pure underhanded evilness.
My heart and prayers are with you. love seasons
I share Sela's' loving heartfelt wishes for you too.
Maybe you will end up in a better place......a place where there are no painful memories or sick bioligical sibblings able to pop in and torment you? Maybe you will find a new, fresh, more peaceful home than you ever imagined? Maybe you will do better than cope?
This is what I am hoping for you Hops. That you will end up much better off! Able to manage....no problem and happier than you anticipated! I dream of your own.....new......more beautiful garden full of everything there is now and then some. And a lovely gardener/friend by you....sharing your joy!
Sela
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Big hugs to you Hoppy me darling! I'm so sorry I haven't been on here sooner and wasn't here to respond quicker.
There are so many wonderful words and so much love for you on this thread. Sometimes we can gain strength from the love of others who aren't our family. I feel I can relate to what you are going through as it feels like when my Mum, stepdad and brother stood in my room, watching me packing and saying I was never coming back once I'd left. The bio N dad telling me to go... and you know what Hoppy dear, sometimes I think these are signs that it is time to move on. To find a home filled with love, instead of sickness and the nastiness of your brother. I'm so glad you've got such a good minister and felt what was said made a lot of sense.
Take care of you and do things that make you smile Hoppy honey.
Love H&H xx
(((Hi Sela, lots of hugs back at ya)))))
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Oh my god Hops, I've just read this whole topic right now. I can't believe it and yet it is all so tediously repetitive at the same time. Is that why it seems surreal that it should be so shocking and yet so predictable in retrospect?
I feel a good deal of outrage on your behalf. Again the venomous creatures sting. Can they do nothing else? Apparently not.
I want to say to you that I have read all your posts about life with your mom and as you may recall, I have always admired the place you have come to in yourself that you have found it in your heart to take care of her and found a place past (most of the) bitterness and resentment. Of course this place is not detached to the degree of, say, a moon of Pluto, I understand. But from my short years 'caretaking' (read: personal body slave and stepandfetchit to) my dad, I have a deep appreciation for what you have achieved as a being. None of this experience is wasted. It is enormous the loving care and detachment you have shown for this pathetic, wasted being that is you mother.
In a sense it may be wasted on her, but I do not believe it is wasted in the larger sense. What you have done is about who you are, and who you are is beautiful! Wherever you go, you will travel and walk inside that beauty.
I send you my best vibes of courage and optimism for a wide open future.
No matter what happens, their power to betray you and strike at you is at an end.
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Also Hops, I know you are in the midst of events now, but here is a seed for later. I feel that if you were to write a memoir of your experiences, it would resonate with and help a lot of people. Have you ever considered this? I hope you will consider it. You have an important and meaningful story to share.
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(((((((((Hops))))))))) I wish these developments were not so sickeningly familiiar, but with NPD, of course, this sort of deviance is to be expected.
One thing I was thinking: Maybe this won't be as much of a loss as you may be fearing?
Maybe you will end up in a better place......a place where there are no painful memories or sick bioligical sibblings able to pop in and torment you? Maybe you will find a new, fresh, more peaceful home than you ever imagined? Maybe you will do better than cope?
This is what I am hoping for you Hops. That you will end up much better off! Able to manage....no problem and happier than you anticipated! I dream of your own.....new......more beautiful garden full of everything there is now and then some. And a lovely gardener/friend by you....sharing your joy!
Sela
What Sela said - yes!
That's my hope and vision for you, as well, dear Hops.... not to inherit a mucked up parcel, but a whole new life - bright and spangly with fresh joy and promise.
Please allow me to be true to my own foundation and just say - - - with God, all things are possible.
Big hugs with love,
Carolyn
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Sela, Ami, Seasons, Iphi, H&H, Carolyn
THANK YOU.
I do feel drenched in caring and not at all defeated.
The first week or so, and the days just before the lawyer/brother meeting were the hardest.
But I've reached a turning point, no small thanks to your good hearts and strong voices. And folks like my minister/s and some close church friends. It's also been an amazing change to have a man in my life who makes it plain that he cares about me. He offered to install a whole house fan for me the other day and I choked up. (So many years of feeling "there's no helper" in my life...I felt overwhelmed.)
I really am okay and I know I WILL BE OKAY, no matter how it all turns out.
I won't fantasize too much yet about a new place to live, as the resolution could go either way. But if that's the way things need to be, I will turn it into a positive as fast as I can.
In the meantime, I really am living in the present, more.
I am so enraptured with spring. The cool drizzly air, or the sunny days. My little garden's going berserk. I was thinking last night when I got out of the car and looked at the bean plants that have somersaulted out of the soil like little gymnasts in the last 2 days...it's like being greeted by dozens of pets! Like the garden is wagging its tail!
With a daffy brain like this, I can't stay blue for long.
Thanks, sweet friends.
Much love to all of you and hope I didn't miss anybody,
Hops
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Hops, it is so heart warming to read your post and know that you have bounced back from the initial shock. it would have sent anyone reeling.
So hang on to your happy feelings and I love your little pet bean sprouts. That makes me think of the Jolly Green Giant's little buddy.
he would make a nice pet and I don't think he would need a litter box.
Love and Joy
Izzy
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Garden wagging it's tail........
nice.
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So many years of feeling "there's no helper" in my life
This hit me hard this evening at the ball park when my son had another "poop" accident (he's 7) and I had two dogs who wanted exercise and I was at the end of a long wasted day and I had so much that needed to get done and ....
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Delighted to hear about your little sprouting friends greeting you each day ((( Hops )))
The only way really is up!
We dust ourselves down, stand up and are counted - because we have value in life.
Love, Leah
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((((((((((SS, Hops))))))))))
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SS,
PM me if you need info on encopresis.
I know of an online program that works for kids.
love,
Hops
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Oh Hoppy-
Sorry that you have been through this since I have been away from the Board- but I just knew that you would find a worthy admirer soon, remember? I am glad that you have that sweetness and the feeling that you are loved and do not have to do it all yourself, with no one watching your back...
I hope all goes well.
Love,
Changes
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Very dear Changes,
And I am so eager for an update on you.
I am still with you, and pet/s, and ... changes in your life.
No idea what's happened since then.
Hope you can find a way to fill us in.
love to you,
Hops
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My Darling Hoppy-
You have made me cry. I was really foolish, starving myself trying to hold on for my justice to come!!!! I am handling things better now , and am happy that 1L is completed. I have a "job" of sorts, as my new attorney is having me write, gather docs, and serve subpoenas, etc in order to save on costs- so no break for me!! But hope springs eternal, I kep thinking that maybe next week things will straighten out, and I can go to the beach!!!
It makes me so happy that you have a darling man in your life who cares about you and appreciates your depth, your generous wisdom and beauty. How is your daughter doing with her graduate work -she's probably tired this time of the year!!!! No matter that we have our respective vicious legal issues- life is good Dear- especially with wonderful friends to share it with!
Love You,
Changing
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Is it okay to start another thread just for you, Changing?
I won't unless it is. If it's not, you stay right here, dear.
Plenty of room.
xo
Hops
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General update on my shade o' the week.
Not blue, really, but a little gray. A little scared, as the court date is Tuesday.
Hopefully, the lawyers emailing back and forth...my brother will settle somehow.
As it stands now, my mother's new will stands, so I do not inherit the house free and clear,
so at pushing 60 I'll be starting a mortgage. Don't mind so much, except on my salary there's no way I can manage it all.
Next plan is to find housemates. We have an interim minister coming, who may rent my spare room and study (share the kitchen). If that fails, a friend of mine had a wild idea. Since it's a sizable house in a good location, why not rent the whole place to a visiting professor for several years, and live very simply with a friend? Rent a room myself?
Then all the rent could attack the mortgage and in several years, I'd own it free and clear.
Radical notion, but I like it. Well, don't LIKE it, but I'd do it if I had to.
Hmmm. Either way...can't claim it. Can't buy paint and go nuts decorating. Not yet.
Arrggh.
But I'll be okay.
I have noticed myself boycotting my mother...my visits are dwindling to 2 a week this week, rather than every other night. Just don't feel much like it.
xo
Hops
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My Dear Hoppy-
As always, I bow to your wisdom and please do whatever is best regarding threads, etc. - if I am doing anything improperly it is not by design, so I have no problem being shown a better way.
You deserve that house Hoppy, and there are so many ways to figure things out. I am excited for you, and I hope that I get to keep my home as well, such a it is. I know that you have built up a large account in the "Love Bank" in your community, working and helping others for so long.You will be given that most precious of commodities from your friends: information, and help too if you ask for it.
Keep strong Hoppy-
Love,
Changing
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thanks, Changing.
It just hurts to feel I'd have to live like a vagabond after 10 years' devotion to her wellbeing.
When she changed it just for brownie points with my brother. So hard to stomach.
Not hard to believe, once the shock wore off, but definitely hard to take.
I YEARN for my own garden, a LR wall to paint.
I guess I could sell it (all the work of that on me, natch) and then buy a bungalow.
I know a lot of people think I should.
But I'm invested there, emotionally and bonded with land, etc.
Good memories of father...
xo
hops
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Dear Hops,
Do you think your M knew what position this would put you in? Did she comprehend it, do you think? Ami
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Oh Dear-
I am so much in synch with you at this point- this is the crux of my biggest issue with Bagworm- not the mother/brother dynamic of course, but the wanting to keep my place, etc- for our opponents, it's only meaningless ill-gotten gain, but for us,something deeper and more real...
One thing in our favor on this issue is the depressed housing market- I can only hope it continues to tank, so the vultures depart fom our homes for better carrion elsewhere!!!! And, if I do have to sell, etc, at least I can get something else at today's prices,or relocate , or whatever, but I don't want to just now... JUSTICE JUSTICE I WANT JUSTICE (for us both)
Keep tough My Hoppy- the game is not over yet, and I want you to be intact and flourishing as you deserve to be.
Love,
Changes
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I'm trying, Changes. But I need to try harder.
I don't have the luxury of distraction any more.
Need to get home and battle paperwork and such, big time.
I wish I hadn't spent so much time daydreaming about how I'd make it beautiful and make it my own.
But enough whining. I could do the same with a new place, if need be.
I've been looking at what's available around here that I could afford with whatever's left, and it's basically glorified chicken coops.
It's always going to be a pretty town though.
And there will always be spring.
Ami, I think my mother was so focused on getting attention and approval from my brother that she either would not or could not take seriously what would become of me.
love,
Hops
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Wow,Hops
It is so hard to think of a M not caring about her D's well-being, in that way, but I guess I should not be surprised, although I always am. Ami
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Hoppy My Dear-
I definitely can relate- I loathed the idea of looking at my stupid documents again, now I have a giant almost impossible list of things to get together for the OSC next week, so I have to drag everything out yet again,revise, revise, revise, fax fax fax (I got a wonderful machine- lightweight and works beautifully), explain, etc It sure helps to be able to post and get feedback- seems to relieve the STRESS!!! We can do it Hoppy- we can!!!!
The added personal pain of someone who was close to you twisting the knife- really makes it harder sometimes. Dear Girl, I pray that there is no market for your house at this time, and your brother trades his interest in it to you for something else out of sheer frustration , or whatever else can happen to make it right does for you. Please send good vibes my way as well- I need Bagworm to stop the paracitism and crawl away to his next victim!
Sending Love and Peace,
Changes
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hi hops
I check now and then to see your new news and I commiserate with you.
Looking for a really suitable place for you. Do you have the feeling that you do not want to 'settle'?
My worst time was looking for suitable for D and me when she was 2½. I saw the whole upstairs of a nice house, 2 br, lr kit. bath, but I disliked the front door entry that I would use as would my landlords. AND where would her toys go. Not suitable
THEN I saw 2 rooms in a very old house, front entrance for all but branched off to a private door for each. Big sliding doors between the rooms. shared the bath, but there were BIG wardrobes, big rooms, lroom was kitchen too and I drew water from the bathroom, private (but same hallway as the landlady.) Sounds worse? Was just right until I could move on again.
We just know when we see it!!!!
I am appalled at your mother. If it were me? I would never go back again! but then I have no experience with Nmothers.
There are always bumps in the road, just be sure your shock absorbers are installed properly!
and the real speed bumps I know were made for me and my chair!!--slow down and I wouldn't be hurt. What was the rush anyway?
Love
Izzy
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Here's to squishing bagworms between our toes and to knowing home when we feel it.
I know what you mean, Izz. I've boycotted Mom for three nights now. But I'll go tomorrow. Her choices don't deny me mine...and if I can't be compassionate to a 97 y/o, I ain't worth much. I feel detached enough around her. Just needed a break this week.
NEWS. My lawyer just emailed me that my brother's lawyer emailed him saying NO hearing Tuesday.
I have no idea what this means. I assume my brother didn't like our refusal of his demands (we said No to everything he wanted except that if her new will is valid, and we assume it is until confirmed otherwise--then I'll owe him his portion of the house when she dies). He had offered 3 years for me to pay him, we countered with 5.
So I'm spending the day tomorrow on paperwork and we'll go ahead with her Medicaid application.
Changes, do you know if it's a good sign that the hearing is off?????
Biting nails,
Hops
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OH great.... and now you wait and worry, Hops.
Assume he's planning something sneaky and underhanded.....
Awful and unexpected....
then try to stop worrying about it.
You'll know what it means.... soon enough.
No sense giving up all your joy bc it won't be good: /
Lighter
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Hi Hoppy Dear-
OWW CONTINUANCES!!! That old wheels of justice grinding slow thing... I can't know why your bro's side asked for one, but I would guess that they thought your side would cave in to their demands and you didn't, and they don't want to fight it out in court at this point , especially if the authenticity of the will (not done under duress or by an incompetent, etc) is still in play. (Your lawyer will know) Oooh I hope you can get the new will thrown out somehow. I am putting you and your lawyer on the prayer wall tomorrow Hoppy.
Do you have a safe deposit box? Keep your private papers there, just in case if you do. This continuance may be to your advantage if you live in the house, etc., and the values go down in your area!!!! Less $$$ to come up with if you do settle if the valuation is low!!!! And if the housing market rebounds, then you could just refi and give him his pittance as well as having money for a beautiful decorating binge!!!!
Do visit your mommy when you feel OK about it- my father was rich, left me nothing and was abandoned by his grasping wife- still he didn't thank me or appreciate my help and loving care in his last days. But I feel peaceful about it now- that's big, Hoppy. You are a loving and caring lady and even this trial by fire cannot take that from you.
Keep strong Precious Hoppy.
Love,
Changing